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Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
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