Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Michigan (517)

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  (517): View more from Michigan

  My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.

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  (517): My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now. http://tfl.nu/dik7
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.

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  (517): I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish. http://tfl.nu/ztbe
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  The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night

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  (517): The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night http://tfl.nu/871q
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  There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE

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  (517): There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE http://tfl.nu/onaq
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  Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.

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  (517): Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you. http://tfl.nu/sh0v
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  I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.

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  (517): I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard. http://tfl.nu/4gv4
  Replies (1) Good night (843) Bad night (150) Order T-Shirt
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  passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.

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  (517): passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night. http://tfl.nu/smsc
  Replies (5) Good night (229) Bad night (540)
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  I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.

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  (517): I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT. http://tfl.nu/j08n
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?

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  (517): Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's? http://tfl.nu/t57e
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  Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.

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  (517): Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up. http://tfl.nu/ansq
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  It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair

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  (517): It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair http://tfl.nu/cxxw
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  To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you

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  (517): To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you http://tfl.nu/rkbn
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  Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time

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  (517): Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time http://tfl.nu/cfap
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  (254): View more from Texas

  Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?

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  Like it was yesterday.

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  Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...

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  (254): Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears? (517): Like it was yesterday. (254): Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery... http://tfl.nu/058m
  Replies (5) Good night (1009) Bad night (236)
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.

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  (517): And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you. http://tfl.nu/j63g
  Replies (12) Good night (861) Bad night (427) Order T-Shirt