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She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
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