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    (530): View more from California

    im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.

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    Replies (0) Good night (4) Bad night (5) Order T-Shirt
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    (971): View more from Oregon

    I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.

    (509): View more from Washington

    you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left

    (971): View more from Oregon

    goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan

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    Replies (0) Good night (20) Bad night (9)
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    (412): View more from Pennsylvania

    I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.

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    Replies (0) Good night (11) Bad night (14) Order T-Shirt
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    (336): View more from North Carolina

    Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"

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    Replies (1) Good night (51) Bad night (13) Order T-Shirt
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    (515): View more from Iowa

    We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place

    (1-515): View more from Iowa

    I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck

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    Replies (0) Good night (53) Bad night (31)
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    (561): View more from Florida

    But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain

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    Replies (0) Good night (45) Bad night (18) Order T-Shirt
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    (386): View more from Florida

    make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions

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    Replies (2) Good night (68) Bad night (18) Order T-Shirt
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    (417): View more from Missouri

    He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.

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    Replies (0) Good night (14) Bad night (80) Order T-Shirt
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    (787): View more from Puerto Rico

    Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!

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    Replies (2) Good night (137) Bad night (20) Order T-Shirt
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    (732): View more from New Jersey

    The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.

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    Replies (1) Good night (81) Bad night (22) Order T-Shirt
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    (850): View more from Florida

    Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.

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    Replies (1) Good night (42) Bad night (86) Order T-Shirt
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    (734): View more from Michigan

    You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.

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    Replies (0) Good night (48) Bad night (98)
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    (314): View more from Missouri

    My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.

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    Replies (2) Good night (45) Bad night (118) Order T-Shirt
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    (651): View more from Minnesota

    I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind

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    Replies (0) Good night (49) Bad night (57) Order T-Shirt
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    (330): View more from Ohio

    Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.

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    Replies (1) Good night (71) Bad night (37) Order T-Shirt
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  • (859): The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow http://t.co/sQOeFAaf
  • (270): him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
  • (627): The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
  • (402): Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
  • (724): A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
  • (303): Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.

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