(916): When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.

(1-916): Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off

(413): Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.

(925): its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife

(614): Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall

(917): You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons

(203): Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk

(613): you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.

(212): I'm drive I can fine osifer

(815): Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark

(757): Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.

(904): the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing

(323): I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.

(412): I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.

(405): I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.

(405): It was so scary.

(503): I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."

(702): Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?

(401): His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old

(302): Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.

(205): i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!

(626): i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over