(847): He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight

(912): I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.

(530): When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.

(248): Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary

(501): One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.

(907): I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.

(904): That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.

(815): You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes

(310): So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.

(615): Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?

(310): Um. We had sex on a washing machine.

(404): Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman

(519): I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today

(317): Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.

(515): I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.

(774): This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey

(360): why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?

(321): I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.

(619): im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.

(651): That bitch ruined vodka saturday

(614): That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life

(419): Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops