(678): Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops

(209): ... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.

(204): But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed

(937): Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.

(925): I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.

(651): Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.

(617): no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely

(319): How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.

(705): I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.

(858): He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities

(440): he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.

(317): Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.

(347): we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now

(858): I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though

(425): YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you

(609): That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.

(386): totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.

(678): Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?

(404): Things like this can't be explained over text man

(917): My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case

(307): I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."