(815): i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Jun 4, 2011
(301): Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Jan 23, 2013
(480): There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Apr 8, 2013
(843): REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Apr 20, 2011
(212): This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Sep 6, 2011
(504): So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
May 2, 2013
(678): I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Jan 29, 2012
(772): we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Jul 26, 2012
(408): Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Feb 19, 2017
(850): I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
May 22, 2012
(310): That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Jun 17, 2012
(402): In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Mar 31, 2014
(323): i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
May 2, 2009
(949): ...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
(949): ps not my toothbrush awkward.
May 24, 2009
(902): Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Feb 6, 2015
(773): Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Apr 27, 2013
(202): if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Apr 24, 2009
(760): Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Aug 19, 2011
(407): I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Jun 13, 2010
(514): I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Sep 28, 2012