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The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
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