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When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
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