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Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Operation Purity has been aborted
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
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