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I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
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