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I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
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