Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Missouri (417)

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  (417): View more from Missouri

  i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break

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  (417): i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break http://tfl.nu/e0no
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  My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.

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  (417): My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah. http://tfl.nu/uiae
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  And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?

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  (417): And my fence, why is part of it on the roof? http://tfl.nu/v3wp
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  Hookers taste better with whip cream

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  Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too

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  Fair enough

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  (417): Hookers taste better with whip cream (816): Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too (417): Fair enough http://tfl.nu/svnz
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  I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.

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  I'm going for alcohol poisoning.

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  (816): I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight. (417): I'm going for alcohol poisoning. http://tfl.nu/l0is
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  Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot

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  (417): Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot http://tfl.nu/f7xk
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  i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...

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  (417): i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was... http://tfl.nu/mlza
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  Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.

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  (417): Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library. http://tfl.nu/8guv
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  So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.

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  (417): So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes. http://tfl.nu/bjrk
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  on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.

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  (417): on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there. http://tfl.nu/xvnw
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  I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.

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  (417): I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous. http://tfl.nu/gmif
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  He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.

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  He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.

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  (417): He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets. (417): He's like the Bob Ross of love stains. http://tfl.nu/ts5r
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  Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?

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  (417): Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted? http://tfl.nu/v1i6
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  quadriplegic porn is always funny

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  no. no its not

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  (417): quadriplegic porn is always funny (832): no. no its not http://tfl.nu/0tdp
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  when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.

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  (417): when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking. http://tfl.nu/gl04
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