my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
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