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I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
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