Texts From Last Night

Last Night in California (559)

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  Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.

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  (559): Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests. http://tfl.nu/zkju
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  I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon

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  (559): I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon http://tfl.nu/fvut
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  I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."

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  (559): I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce." http://tfl.nu/n8hm
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  so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"

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  (559): so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?" http://tfl.nu/cy8a
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  His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY

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  (559): His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY http://tfl.nu/rsnd
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  I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.

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  (559): I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs. http://tfl.nu/m1ws
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  Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.

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  (559): Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat. http://tfl.nu/iy5b
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  I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey

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  (559): I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey http://tfl.nu/dy5j
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  Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus

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  (559): Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus http://tfl.nu/vfd2
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  Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational

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  (559): Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational http://tfl.nu/6erv
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  Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay

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  (559): Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay http://tfl.nu/1b8x
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  Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.

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  (559): Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face. http://tfl.nu/ufsv
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  It was like die hard. Except with more penises.

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  (559): It was like die hard. Except with more penises. http://tfl.nu/fa39
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  We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying

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  (559): We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying http://tfl.nu/pefp
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  He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year

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  (559): He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year http://tfl.nu/93v6
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