Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Washington (206)

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  If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.

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  (206): If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever. http://tfl.nu/y5vi
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  I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole

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  (206): I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole http://tfl.nu/tvcl
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  I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.

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  (206): I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra. http://tfl.nu/2ofq
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  I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.

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  (206): I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense. http://tfl.nu/5wxg
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  I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.

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  (206): I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too. http://tfl.nu/htiy
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  Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me

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  (206): Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me http://tfl.nu/vrj3
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  You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke

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  (206): You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke http://tfl.nu/er3q
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  there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'

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  (206): there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn' http://tfl.nu/cuy3
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  As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.

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  (206): As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light. http://tfl.nu/6mx3
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  I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.

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  (206): I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come. http://tfl.nu/a9r3
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  No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.

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  (206): No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt. http://tfl.nu/84n0
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  I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor

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  Haha oh no

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  The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends

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  (425): I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor (206): Haha oh no (425): The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends http://tfl.nu/igx9
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  View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.

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  (206): View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well. http://tfl.nu/3wj0
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  Breakfast of champions

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  Is that a dick crepe?

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  It is indeed

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  (425): Breakfast of champions (206): Is that a dick crepe? (425): It is indeed http://tfl.nu/tzit
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  True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock

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  (206): True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock http://tfl.nu/7m7l
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