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Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
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