Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Massachusetts (978)

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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.

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  (978): We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement. http://tfl.nu/az5f
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator

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  (978): woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator http://tfl.nu/ric1
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  Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad

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  (978): Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad http://tfl.nu/d7yn
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  You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.

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  (978): You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut. http://tfl.nu/pq6k
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  I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.

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  (978): I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again. http://tfl.nu/29ts
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  i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.

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  (978): i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken. http://tfl.nu/6c3c
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  my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried

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  (978): my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried http://tfl.nu/4pug
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  FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.

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  Who is our new insurance provider?

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  (978): FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning. (978): Who is our new insurance provider? http://tfl.nu/a2lj
  Replies (3) Good night (620) Bad night (166)
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.

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  And the results, officer?

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  She's fucked.

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  (401): I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle. (978): And the results, officer? (401): She's fucked. http://tfl.nu/1koh
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting

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  In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you

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  (201): Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting (978): In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you http://tfl.nu/ucjj
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  We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.

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  (978): We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment. http://tfl.nu/8gpy
  Replies (8) Good night (1944) Bad night (252)
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  When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one

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  I had a salad today

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  Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies

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  (978): When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one (847): I had a salad today (978): Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies http://tfl.nu/rhtj
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  I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n

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  (978): I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n http://tfl.nu/vl91
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  Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?

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  I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it

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  (774): Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down? (978): I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it http://tfl.nu/io4i
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  The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years

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  (978): The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years http://tfl.nu/zb6z
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