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So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
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