Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Massachusetts (774)

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  On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.

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  (774): On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke. http://tfl.nu/xwsd
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  It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this

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  (774): It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this http://tfl.nu/0f23
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  I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex

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  College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?

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  (774): I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex (603): College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh? http://tfl.nu/q4kf
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  What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?

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  (774): What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird? http://tfl.nu/2yid
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  preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.

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  (774): preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts. http://tfl.nu/6ehv
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  One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.

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  (774): One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it. http://tfl.nu/38tv
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  I need rollerblades now

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  Rollerblades pick up bitches

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  (774): I need rollerblades now (774): Rollerblades pick up bitches http://tfl.nu/hoew
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  stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick

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  (774): stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick http://tfl.nu/dnwu
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  There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys

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  (774): There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys http://tfl.nu/n2sm
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  So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.

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  Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth

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  (774): So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore. (508): Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth http://tfl.nu/ay7w
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  I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.

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  (774): I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time. http://tfl.nu/evoy
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  Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?

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  I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it

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  (774): Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down? (978): I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it http://tfl.nu/io4i
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  It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour

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  (774): It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour http://tfl.nu/kved
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  So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof

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  They're waiting for you to die

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  (344): So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof (774): They're waiting for you to die http://tfl.nu/5pk9
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  My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha

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  (774): My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha http://tfl.nu/naia
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