Texts From Last Night · Last Night in (240)

Last Night in Maryland (240)

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On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.

(240): View more from Maryland

Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.

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(717): On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities. (240): Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing. http://tfl.nu/nf7v

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(240): View more from Maryland

Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you

(1-240): View more from Maryland

Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina

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(240): Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you (1-240): Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina http://tfl.nu/ytzu

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(240): View more from Maryland

God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.

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(240): God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone. http://tfl.nu/9qu8

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(757): View more from Virginia

Did I run away from you last night?

(240): View more from Maryland

Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship

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(757): Did I run away from you last night? (240): Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship http://tfl.nu/2q6b

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(240): View more from Maryland

The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.

(301): View more from Maryland

Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.

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(240): The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off. (301): Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes. http://tfl.nu/qb2k

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(240): View more from Maryland

Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa

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(240): Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa http://tfl.nu/w8sz

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(240): View more from Maryland

You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.

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(240): You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over. http://tfl.nu/m9ag

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(240): View more from Maryland

I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob

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(240): I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob http://tfl.nu/qz5h

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(240): View more from Maryland

She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths

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(240): She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths http://tfl.nu/lqw0

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(240): View more from Maryland

Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.

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(240): Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum. http://tfl.nu/4chd

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(240): View more from Maryland

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA

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(240): HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA http://tfl.nu/oasy

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(240): View more from Maryland

I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.

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(240): I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator. http://tfl.nu/kcd0

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(540): View more from Virginia

I need Jameson.

(240): View more from Maryland

Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.

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(540): I need Jameson. (240): Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot. http://tfl.nu/qo8a

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(240): View more from Maryland

This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.

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(240): This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn. http://tfl.nu/cv1s

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(240): View more from Maryland

Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?

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(240): Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished? http://tfl.nu/q6tp

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Last Night in Maryland (240)

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