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I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
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