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Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
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