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an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
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