Texts From Last Night

Samia's Favorites Texts:

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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?

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  (919): Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again? http://tfl.nu/p959
  Replies (14) Good night (4280) Bad night (790) Order T-Shirt
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  (435): View more from Utah

  When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics

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  (435): When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics http://tfl.nu/17q6
  Replies (12) Good night (3399) Bad night (499) Order T-Shirt
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  (903): View more from Texas

  EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT

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  (903): EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT http://tfl.nu/usnf
  Replies (14) Good night (6753) Bad night (588) Order T-Shirt
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  (626): View more from California

  He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.

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  (626): He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex. http://tfl.nu/kqx4
  Replies (7) Good night (3331) Bad night (924) Order T-Shirt
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.

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  (870): I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god. http://tfl.nu/nsks
  Replies (8) Good night (2125) Bad night (976) Order T-Shirt
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  (352): View more from Florida

  he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled

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  (352): he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled http://tfl.nu/6wmo
  Replies (2) Good night (1446) Bad night (465) Order T-Shirt
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.

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  (307): They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting. http://tfl.nu/gm65
  Replies (7) Good night (2323) Bad night (776) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.

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  (407): I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity. http://tfl.nu/5ec6
  Replies (23) Good night (4259) Bad night (617) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex

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  (516): nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex http://tfl.nu/zwof
  Replies (9) Good night (2734) Bad night (792) Order T-Shirt
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".

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  (780): just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency". http://tfl.nu/5vs5
  Replies (7) Good night (2845) Bad night (418) Order T-Shirt
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.

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  (778): I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina. http://tfl.nu/znuq
  Replies (18) Good night (3987) Bad night (518) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.

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  (516): I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud. http://tfl.nu/o20g
  Replies (7) Good night (2090) Bad night (700) Order T-Shirt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before

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  (717): Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before http://tfl.nu/lay4
  Replies (6) Good night (2228) Bad night (480) Order T-Shirt
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  (863): View more from Florida

  There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.

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  (863): There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent. http://tfl.nu/g0ez
  Replies (21) Good night (6539) Bad night (781) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.

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  (+44): I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy. http://tfl.nu/np1e
  Replies (3) Good night (3238) Bad night (383) Order T-Shirt
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"

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  (334): Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick" http://tfl.nu/pihf
  Replies (12) Good night (2348) Bad night (568)
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included

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  (515): You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included http://tfl.nu/xxv8
  Replies (4) Good night (3828) Bad night (444) Order T-Shirt
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.

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  (204): For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video. http://tfl.nu/6mdy
  Replies (6) Good night (2704) Bad night (954) Order T-Shirt
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  (940): View more from Texas

  You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole

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  (940): You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole http://tfl.nu/t9xv
  Replies (15) Good night (2580) Bad night (634)
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  (607): View more from New York

  im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.

  (607): View more from New York

  way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses

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  (607): im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour. (607): way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses http://tfl.nu/5by3
  Replies (10) Good night (4163) Bad night (876)
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either

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  (715): My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either http://tfl.nu/7c24
  Replies (7) Good night (2721) Bad night (714) Order T-Shirt
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''

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  (608): all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!'' http://tfl.nu/g7vx
  Replies (22) Good night (6619) Bad night (554)
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.

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  (647): the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is. http://tfl.nu/ndxc
  Replies (8) Good night (4058) Bad night (508) Order T-Shirt
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.

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  (920): well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care. http://tfl.nu/ywjo
  Replies (5) Good night (2971) Bad night (459) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.

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  (508): Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying. http://tfl.nu/h4eg
  Replies (7) Good night (5350) Bad night (954)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window

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  (+44): he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window http://tfl.nu/rkda
  Replies (10) Good night (2645) Bad night (1029) Order T-Shirt
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  how was ur day?

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.

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  (417): how was ur day? (405): this is strictly sexting don't make small talk. http://tfl.nu/95h7
  Replies (13) Good night (5986) Bad night (853)
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  (360): View more from Washington

  i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.

  (1-360): View more from Washington

  oh. my. god. yes.

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  (360): i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life. (1-360): oh. my. god. yes. http://tfl.nu/jrnd
  Replies (13) Good night (5304) Bad night (1038) Order T-Shirt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?

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  (717): Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain? http://tfl.nu/uh45
  Replies (5) Good night (2167) Bad night (997) Order T-Shirt
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.

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  (228): you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out. http://tfl.nu/9xp5
  Replies (19) Good night (3437) Bad night (1005) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.

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  (757): Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever. http://tfl.nu/ml9k
  Replies (20) Good night (9231) Bad night (543) Order T-Shirt
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  they call him Oral-B. enough said

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  (905): they call him Oral-B. enough said http://tfl.nu/vhzo
  Replies (12) Good night (2653) Bad night (522) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.

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  (330): You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test. http://tfl.nu/znwq
  Replies (4) Good night (4663) Bad night (719) Order T-Shirt
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.

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  (801): He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me. http://tfl.nu/9uhs
  Replies (33) Good night (5636) Bad night (1365) Order T-Shirt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged

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  (814): when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged http://tfl.nu/78pb
  Replies (16) Good night (4273) Bad night (2353) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"

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  (757): I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!" http://tfl.nu/94sw
  Replies (84) Good night (12500) Bad night (1293) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.

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  (503): i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday. http://tfl.nu/ygu9
  Replies (9) Good night (5940) Bad night (675)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.

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  (248): I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half. http://tfl.nu/u2dc
  Replies (10) Good night (743) Bad night (2498) Order T-Shirt
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

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  (870): So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button http://tfl.nu/tmep
  Replies (49) Good night (8737) Bad night (2517) Order T-Shirt
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"

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  (608): it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face" http://tfl.nu/ke0l
  Replies (15) Good night (4991) Bad night (839) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you

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  (214): My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you http://tfl.nu/i385
  Replies (11) Good night (3655) Bad night (634) Order T-Shirt
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  (760): View more from California

  I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.

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  (760): I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant. http://tfl.nu/boqw
  Replies (11) Good night (3797) Bad night (523) Order T-Shirt
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  (415): View more from California

  When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

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  (415): When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping" http://tfl.nu/vogg
  Replies (17) Good night (8663) Bad night (635) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

  (949): View more from California

  I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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  (714): I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it? (949): I gave it to your brother to give to you. http://tfl.nu/fwxt
  Replies (55) Good night (12887) Bad night (4741)
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  (979): View more from Texas

  his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.

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  (979): his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible. http://tfl.nu/lobz
  Replies (15) Good night (3726) Bad night (763) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  doooooooo herrrrrrrrr

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  I'm out of practice. be my yoda

  (314): View more from Missouri

  put your penis in her you must.

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  (314): doooooooo herrrrrrrrr (504): I'm out of practice. be my yoda (314): put your penis in her you must. http://tfl.nu/ti1e
  Replies (58) Good night (17038) Bad night (598)
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?

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  (614): Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team? http://tfl.nu/idfg
  Replies (12) Good night (3305) Bad night (797) Order T-Shirt
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  (915): View more from Texas

  and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.

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  (915): and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house. http://tfl.nu/ztys
  Replies (6) Good night (3129) Bad night (761) Order T-Shirt
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.

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  (801): Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face. http://tfl.nu/qeig
  Replies (6) Good night (3549) Bad night (799)
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love

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  (336): as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love http://tfl.nu/xemn
  Replies (6) Good night (2295) Bad night (647) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us

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  (214): Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us http://tfl.nu/gb64
  Replies (13) Good night (1145) Bad night (2489) Order T-Shirt
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.

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  (901): There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome. http://tfl.nu/rmal
  Replies (2) Good night (2789) Bad night (650) Order T-Shirt
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.

  (1-405): View more from Oklahoma

  well now I have to

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  (405): I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home. (1-405): well now I have to http://tfl.nu/4hfb
  Replies (9) Good night (3391) Bad night (1430) Order T-Shirt
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?

  (1-702): View more from Nevada

  Yes and so do I

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  (702): We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore? (1-702): Yes and so do I http://tfl.nu/4rgh
  Replies (46) Good night (4002) Bad night (823) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet

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  (714): we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet http://tfl.nu/qhid
  Replies (12) Good night (4036) Bad night (1022) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.

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  (732): thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal. http://tfl.nu/c0z7
  Replies (12) Good night (3772) Bad night (653) Order T-Shirt
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.

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  (504): Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone. http://tfl.nu/v2z6
  Replies (14) Good night (2631) Bad night (682) Order T-Shirt
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  (415): View more from California

  sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.

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  (415): sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you. http://tfl.nu/c5wc
  Replies (24) Good night (4670) Bad night (799) Order T-Shirt
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing

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  (785): he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing http://tfl.nu/bfcf
  Replies (2) Good night (3215) Bad night (585) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.

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  (+44): We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this. http://tfl.nu/pfxy
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw

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  (717): looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw http://tfl.nu/7d00
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  (707): View more from California

  Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.

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  (707): Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car. http://tfl.nu/kt4h
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.

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  (708): We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever. http://tfl.nu/e0m4
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...

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  (402): Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being... http://tfl.nu/xmjx
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  (516): View more from New York

  Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.

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  (516): Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis. http://tfl.nu/43t1
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.

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  (617): im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone. http://tfl.nu/veb9
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  (650): View more from California

  Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"

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  (650): Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother" http://tfl.nu/4czs
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.

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  (412): he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with. http://tfl.nu/jmfl
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  (858): View more from California

  Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts

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  (858): Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts http://tfl.nu/npv2
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis

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  (608): It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis http://tfl.nu/80nu
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  she fell through a window trying to flash someone

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  (708): she fell through a window trying to flash someone http://tfl.nu/c9dp
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.

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  (803): He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing. http://tfl.nu/hr4b
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  (914): View more from New York

  I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list

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  (914): I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list http://tfl.nu/bjw0
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.

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  (602): Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table. http://tfl.nu/8dv6
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.

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  (901): I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck. http://tfl.nu/z7fe
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.

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  (513): He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets. http://tfl.nu/5i0f
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  (585): View more from New York

  yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.

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  (585): yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign. http://tfl.nu/yitg
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.

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  (303): I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move. http://tfl.nu/t85w
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Dude, its January.

  (970): View more from Colorado

  We're going to do the voices too.

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  (970): We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots. (303): Dude, its January. (970): We're going to do the voices too. http://tfl.nu/k3gb
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard

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  (484): we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard http://tfl.nu/y3gw
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.

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  (402): He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart. http://tfl.nu/f1o2
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.

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  (336): You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed. http://tfl.nu/k43u
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  (631): View more from New York

  Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.

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  (631): Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me. http://tfl.nu/yrie
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.

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  (308): You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants. http://tfl.nu/tdj1
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend

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  (636): i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend http://tfl.nu/jil2
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.

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  (309): I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches. http://tfl.nu/dizl
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.

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  (303): dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered. http://tfl.nu/j70b
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me

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  (807): her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me http://tfl.nu/f0ty
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  (850): View more from Florida

  she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."

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  (850): she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.." http://tfl.nu/uij4
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.

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  (952): I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me. http://tfl.nu/xnge
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed

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  (410): i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed http://tfl.nu/6788
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.

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  (443): Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire. http://tfl.nu/qksw
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  im here for your entertainment

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  (401): Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you. (603): im here for your entertainment http://tfl.nu/u5ht
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  (478): View more from Georgia

  We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.

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  (478): We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out. http://tfl.nu/tea7
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock

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  (443): WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock http://tfl.nu/0ctc
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.

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  (978): She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent. http://tfl.nu/hcxv
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  (917): View more from New York City

  On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests

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  (917): On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests http://tfl.nu/0vji
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.

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  (306): I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car. http://tfl.nu/2mw2
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs

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  (817): I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs http://tfl.nu/vj8z
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  (518): View more from New York

  Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.

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  (518): Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy. http://tfl.nu/6ng1
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  (214): View more from Texas

  More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings

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  (214): More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings http://tfl.nu/n37n
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"

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  (705): The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?" http://tfl.nu/11uf
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".

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  (302): He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice". http://tfl.nu/55zb
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"

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  (228): thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God" http://tfl.nu/z3qu
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.

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  (513): New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity. http://tfl.nu/ob6h
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress

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  (302): I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress http://tfl.nu/yb5l
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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  (517): we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/tadi
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport

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  (815): I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport http://tfl.nu/v33c
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous

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  (519): Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous http://tfl.nu/zfcd
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  (406): View more from Montana

  To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.

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  (406): To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved. http://tfl.nu/shxy
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.

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  (507): He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in. http://tfl.nu/mt4b
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.

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  (316): The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts. http://tfl.nu/ngvo
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  (845): View more from New York

  Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.

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  (845): Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was. http://tfl.nu/ww86
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  (509): View more from Washington

  She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after

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  (509): She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after http://tfl.nu/tns7
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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  (404): I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck. http://tfl.nu/f2m7
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  those are such fre$h shoes

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign

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  (508): those are such fre$h shoes (1-508): going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign http://tfl.nu/bk8p
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night

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  (608): He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night http://tfl.nu/for8
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face

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  (615): If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face http://tfl.nu/2kqd
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  (925): View more from California

  if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars

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  (925): if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars http://tfl.nu/yl19
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.

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  (708): I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look. http://tfl.nu/k5sb
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

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  (617): shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick http://tfl.nu/i68n
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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  (440): You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music http://tfl.nu/f2pv
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  (607): View more from New York

  Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?

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  (607): Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be? http://tfl.nu/nsuv
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll

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  (304): when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll http://tfl.nu/utzt
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.

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  (256): No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep. http://tfl.nu/gby7
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet

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  (207): I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet http://tfl.nu/5wz6
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.

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  (816): Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster. http://tfl.nu/ox02
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.

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  (316): I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back. http://tfl.nu/cqa8
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  (914): View more from New York

  Drunk. I slept-stripped.

  (914): View more from New York

  By myself.

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  (914): Drunk. I slept-stripped. (914): By myself. http://tfl.nu/r1zm
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.

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  (860): She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit. http://tfl.nu/aa9j
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.

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  (571): I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet. http://tfl.nu/230n
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm

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  (410): I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm http://tfl.nu/u7vv
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.

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  (773): Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night. http://tfl.nu/t8p9
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.

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  (913): Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun. http://tfl.nu/h48x
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  (585): View more from New York

  i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?

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  (585): i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair? http://tfl.nu/daid
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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  (240): We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course. http://tfl.nu/y9iu
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  (806): View more from Texas

  You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.

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  (806): You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito. http://tfl.nu/i4sd
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of

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  (248): He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of http://tfl.nu/1krw
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.

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  (612): I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine. http://tfl.nu/l3m4
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.

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  (304): He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect. http://tfl.nu/54k7
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.

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  (+44): When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly. http://tfl.nu/m7vb
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  (516): View more from New York

  i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.

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  (516): i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks. http://tfl.nu/yuy7
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle

  (648): View more from

  Since when is drunk an angle?

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  (319): He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle (648): Since when is drunk an angle? http://tfl.nu/dhcr
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.

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  (780): He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again. http://tfl.nu/j7t8
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok

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  (443): I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok http://tfl.nu/hllh
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  (347): View more from New York

  She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her

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  (347): She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her http://tfl.nu/h5zu
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers

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  (416): He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers http://tfl.nu/ldwb
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

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  (860): i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty. http://tfl.nu/tep7
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.

  (913): View more from Kansas

  Nobody is perfect

  (816): View more from Missouri

  I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other

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  (816): I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page. (913): Nobody is perfect (816): I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other http://tfl.nu/yd5r
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?

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  (734): THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!? http://tfl.nu/2mg7
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  she says it's "been amazing lately"

  (540): View more from Virginia

  i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half

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  (540): she says it's "been amazing lately" (540): i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half http://tfl.nu/wgvp
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  (510): View more from California

  The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.

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  (510): The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door. http://tfl.nu/oawg
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.

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  (910): the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door. http://tfl.nu/3iyk
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.

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  (360): I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true. http://tfl.nu/2syb
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.

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  (312): You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer. http://tfl.nu/l87h
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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  (617): I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again. http://tfl.nu/qw6q
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick

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  (304): when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick http://tfl.nu/j5fw
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.

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  (402): From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own. http://tfl.nu/wlot
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  (408): View more from California

  that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it

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  (408): that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it http://tfl.nu/gsrb
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.

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  (610): You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift. http://tfl.nu/nll4
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  (559): View more from California

  I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.

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  (559): I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing. http://tfl.nu/i8zl
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  No

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  (610): Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight? (570): No http://tfl.nu/7sm8
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  I should injure you considerably.

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  (847): And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so. (1-847): I should injure you considerably. http://tfl.nu/3r9j
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.

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  (605): For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell. http://tfl.nu/5mii
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  (985): View more from Louisiana

  she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.

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  (985): she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out. http://tfl.nu/kfuw
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...

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  (419): Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl... http://tfl.nu/mv65
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.

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  (978): his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave. http://tfl.nu/6huv
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.

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  (250): If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour. http://tfl.nu/xxvi
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  (310): View more from California

  She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.

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  (310): She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing. http://tfl.nu/wr7g
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.

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  (214): Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing. http://tfl.nu/4y7p
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  (516): View more from New York

  There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

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  (516): There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face http://tfl.nu/9y4h
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!

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  (303): He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk! http://tfl.nu/z1cd
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

  (636): View more from Missouri

  Yup.

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Yup.

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  (314): hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then? (636): Yup. (314): Yup. http://tfl.nu/bp2u
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.

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  (413): the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings. http://tfl.nu/xbcs
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  (949): View more from California

  is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??

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  (949): is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute?? http://tfl.nu/snv5
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  (972): View more from Texas

  I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.

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  (972): I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it. http://tfl.nu/3d6t
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  (213): View more from California

  Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.

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  (213): Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans. http://tfl.nu/11hu
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.

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  (732): i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry. http://tfl.nu/ss0l
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  (714): View more from California

  I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious

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  (714): I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious http://tfl.nu/8hxf
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?

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  (801): Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch? http://tfl.nu/p8up
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.

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  (314): every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar. http://tfl.nu/8pyq
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.

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  (413): im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask. http://tfl.nu/in4y
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  (806): View more from Texas

  with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.

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  (806): with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible. http://tfl.nu/qot7
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  (254): View more from Texas

  oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick

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  (254): oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick http://tfl.nu/vqpx
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  (305): View more from Florida

  It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.

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  (305): It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids. http://tfl.nu/tjbu
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...

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  (250): Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety... http://tfl.nu/2t4m
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.

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  (937): It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs. http://tfl.nu/4p26
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

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  (978): I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING (617): you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me. http://tfl.nu/bj47
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.

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  (404): just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor. http://tfl.nu/8ie3
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  (281): View more from Texas

  He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.

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  (281): He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning. http://tfl.nu/ijln
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.

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  (519): Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical. http://tfl.nu/sqyk
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  (718): View more from New York

  He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.

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  (718): He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise. http://tfl.nu/c0nn
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  (509): View more from Washington

  She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center

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  (509): She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center http://tfl.nu/9ea5
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers

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  (803): some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers http://tfl.nu/iyv4
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.

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  (201): the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called. http://tfl.nu/7ag1
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  (408): View more from California

  He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.

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  (408): He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it. http://tfl.nu/0bv4
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  (510): View more from California

  Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.

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  (510): Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing. http://tfl.nu/5987
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  (941): View more from Florida

  I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special

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  (941): I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special http://tfl.nu/g9sh
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it

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  (519): he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it http://tfl.nu/rdxn
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT

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  (804): IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT http://tfl.nu/e7uf
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower

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  (270): The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower http://tfl.nu/ihik
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower

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  (250): I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower http://tfl.nu/dtnj
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  She was lying the whole time!

  (310): View more from California

  She was a great actress

  (248): View more from Michigan

  I was a great dumbass

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  (248): She was lying the whole time! (310): She was a great actress (248): I was a great dumbass http://tfl.nu/8lxg
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you

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  (+44): You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you http://tfl.nu/o2s0
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

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  (303): One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud. http://tfl.nu/mlmc
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.

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  (603): You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing. http://tfl.nu/vk7w
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.

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  (810): He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life. http://tfl.nu/cn7c
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.

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  (847): woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score. http://tfl.nu/p406
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  (858): View more from California

  He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.

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  (858):He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW. http://tfl.nu/23zr
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

  (1-260): View more from Indiana

  what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

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  (260): dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian? (1-260): what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing http://tfl.nu/axih
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  (818): View more from California

  I hate you but I'm not in hate with you

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  (818): I hate you but I'm not in hate with you http://tfl.nu/vrzb
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you

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  (414): There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you http://tfl.nu/ku1m
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here

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  (513): successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here http://tfl.nu/y491
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.

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  (443): Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that. http://tfl.nu/hvnx
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  (+33): View more from France

  how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?

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  (+33): how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men? http://tfl.nu/4scz
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job

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  (703): He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job http://tfl.nu/934s
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  (207): View more from Maine

  he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead

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  (207): he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead http://tfl.nu/s4ov
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air

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  (952): You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air http://tfl.nu/002i
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged

  (703): View more from Virginia

  just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit

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  (540): my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged (703): just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit http://tfl.nu/pac5
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever

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  (919): I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever http://tfl.nu/iy56
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.

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  (717): Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up. http://tfl.nu/3bej
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Nice meating you last night

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Not a typo

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  (843): Nice meating you last night (843): Not a typo http://tfl.nu/icxk
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived

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  (603): dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived http://tfl.nu/mii6
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  (407): View more from Florida

  i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...

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  (407): i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina... http://tfl.nu/9yjk
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.

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  (216): My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand. http://tfl.nu/h0pi
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  (718): View more from New York

  what happened last night?

  (917): View more from New York City

  u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

  (718): View more from New York

  that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

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  (718): what happened last night? (917): u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style (718): that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left http://tfl.nu/i3a9
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  (805): View more from California

  she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.

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  (805) she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat. http://tfl.nu/up7k
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.

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  (773): You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker. http://tfl.nu/r3lm
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes

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  (505): she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes http://tfl.nu/9qtj
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.

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  (201): You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!" http://tfl.nu/rb09
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.

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  (404): He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful. http://tfl.nu/q2qd
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  fuckk wrong person

  (1-860): View more from Connecticut

  .. who was that for? a girlscout?

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  (860): I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent (860): fuckk wrong person (1-860):.. who was that for? a girlscout? http://tfl.nu/6peq
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole

  (425): View more from Washington

  There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

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  (206): I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole (425): There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian http://tfl.nu/pttl
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie

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  (504): Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie http://tfl.nu/6e1s
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.

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  (303): She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love. http://tfl.nu/koii
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow

  (410): View more from Maryland

  so basically your not goin out tonight?

  (301): View more from Maryland

  who said that?

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  (301): dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow (410): so basically your not goin out tonight? (301): who said that? http://tfl.nu/qimw
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.

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  (704): they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming. http://tfl.nu/eg1m
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  Are you high?

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  (630): Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"? (1-630): Are you high? http://tfl.nu/3xxd
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru

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  (229): You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru http://tfl.nu/iwra
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  (310): View more from California

  While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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  (310): While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating. http://tfl.nu/umg8
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.

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  (617): I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits. http://tfl.nu/9n54
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...

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  (843): Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks.... (843): I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one... http://tfl.nu/xuml
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  (917): View more from New York City

  He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.

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  (917): He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm. http://tfl.nu/al4b
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.

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  (615): Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night. http://tfl.nu/5pdk
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!

  (1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.

  (1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I love tequila.

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  (902): WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?! (1-902): I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey. (1-902): I love tequila. http://tfl.nu/s92h
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.

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  (267): she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon. http://tfl.nu/y6s2
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.

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  (864): no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job. http://tfl.nu/97jt
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?

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  (504): how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades? http://tfl.nu/s5wu
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?

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  (240): He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half? http://tfl.nu/4690
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?

  (1-218): View more from Minnesota

  Both?

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  (218): Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants? (1-218): Both? http://tfl.nu/yr9r
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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  (501): This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower. http://tfl.nu/hbb7
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  (954): View more from Florida

  you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

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  (954): you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now http://tfl.nu/39yk
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  i'm home, then i'll come over

  (1-514): View more from Quebec

  ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa

  (514): View more from Quebec

  nvm.

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  (514): i'm home, then i'll come over (1-514): ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa (514): nvm. http://tfl.nu/kqkd
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  (949): View more from California

  Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

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  (949): Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN. http://tfl.nu/2o4b
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point

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  (515): the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point http://tfl.nu/syrq
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him

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  (203): theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him http://tfl.nu/busx
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".

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  (865): She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit". http://tfl.nu/1ezf
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

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  (630): We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds http://tfl.nu/p9wa
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?

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  (608): Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother? http://tfl.nu/8hut
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  (212): View more from New York

  ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

  (1-212): View more from New York

  this is Aaron, hi

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  (212): ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud? (1-212): this is Aaron, hi http://tfl.nu/ackd
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  (718): View more from New York

  you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out

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  (718): you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out http://tfl.nu/3q0w
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  (516): View more from New York

  His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.

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  (516): His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps. http://tfl.nu/q0ub
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...

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  (250): He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock... http://tfl.nu/tura
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.

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  (402): she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics (1-402): you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys. http://tfl.nu/veft
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.

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  (514): What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign. http://tfl.nu/l1zt
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  (408): View more from California

  um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.

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  (408): um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend. http://tfl.nu/849c
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  The panties match.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  I'll be right there.

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  (847): The panties match. (1-847): I'll be right there. http://tfl.nu/jbhz
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.

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  (404): standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture. http://tfl.nu/15y7
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella

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  (443): Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella http://tfl.nu/27sq
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  (516): View more from New York

  and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants

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  (516): and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants http://tfl.nu/bet3
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband

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  (703): I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband http://tfl.nu/pijn
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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  (647): Get out of your relationship and into my pants. http://tfl.nu/sn5l
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical

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  (973): Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical http://tfl.nu/uh4w
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off

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  (703): im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off http://tfl.nu/2ezh
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

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  (317): The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic http://tfl.nu/lvdi
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

  (301): View more from Maryland

  I accept this challenge.

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  (410): Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you. (301): I accept this challenge. http://tfl.nu/mbqm
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

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  (203): his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper http://tfl.nu/7n4i
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies

  (703): View more from Virginia

  and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"

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  (703): he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies (703): and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half" http://tfl.nu/kpxj
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.

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  (612): And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer. http://tfl.nu/cz4h
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.

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  (206): Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio. http://tfl.nu/95rn
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  Mike i'm at church right now...

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  (214): I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis... (1-214): Mike i'm at church right now... http://tfl.nu/uslc
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  when are you leaving homes?

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51

  (302): View more from Delaware

  I had a sex dream about Oprah.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  go back to sleep

  (302): View more from Delaware

  dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.

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  (302): when are you leaving homes? (610): it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51 (302): I had a sex dream about Oprah. (610): go back to sleep (302): dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah. http://tfl.nu/idf1
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night

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  (314): You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night http://tfl.nu/nbdz
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Dude you has no fucking this poptart

  (719): View more from Colorado

  What?

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I dont know to explain this.

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  (843): Dude you has no fucking this poptart (719): What? (843): I dont know to explain this. http://tfl.nu/kk1s
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  (727): View more from Florida

  she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex

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  (727): she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex http://tfl.nu/jq0b
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!

  (708): View more from Illinois

  Did someone propose they get off the stage?

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  (312): awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!! (708): Did someone propose they get off the stage? http://tfl.nu/mqed
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself

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  (419): i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself http://tfl.nu/tgru
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..

  (1-647): View more from Ontario

  who won?

  (647): View more from Ontario

  THAT is your concern right now?

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  (647): on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest.. (1-647): who won? (647): THAT is your concern right now? http://tfl.nu/f9cv
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?

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  (301): do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning? http://tfl.nu/rfsi
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  I learned to sign I want to be on you today

  (1-309): View more from Illinois

  Score

  (309): View more from Illinois

  Deaf chicks here I come

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  (309): I learned to sign I want to be on you today (1-309): Score (309): Deaf chicks here I come http://tfl.nu/h0zi
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  (831): View more from California

  You should get sea herpes

  (831): View more from California

  I mean sea horses

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  (831): You should get sea herpes (831): I mean sea horses http://tfl.nu/2vm6
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.

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  (502): Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat. http://tfl.nu/hdie
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.

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  (312): i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it. http://tfl.nu/r7km
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can

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  (610): Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can http://tfl.nu/8h8s
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...

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  (217): her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name... http://tfl.nu/e8r1
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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  (256): you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!" http://tfl.nu/8xfk
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.

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  (570): Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice. http://tfl.nu/vtyg
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.

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  (513): You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm. http://tfl.nu/60sn
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  (518): View more from New York

  he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."

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  (518): he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials." http://tfl.nu/vm6j
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  (386): View more from Florida

  I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.

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  (386): I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music. http://tfl.nu/9pnm
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.

  (574): View more from Indiana

  Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.

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  (574): So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap. (574): Side Note: My mute button doesn't work. http://tfl.nu/2spl
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?

  (1-425): View more from Washington

  you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time

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  (425): I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I? (1-425): you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time http://tfl.nu/bm15
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.

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  (732): I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome. http://tfl.nu/zzpw
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."

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  (908): If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple." http://tfl.nu/0gie
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury

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  (901): You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury http://tfl.nu/7ksy
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?

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  (412): seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party? http://tfl.nu/4j0b
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  (585): View more from New York

  when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood

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  (585): when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood http://tfl.nu/vfy0
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.

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  (850): Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos. http://tfl.nu/15bf
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.

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  (678): I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts. http://tfl.nu/4sqd
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?

  (1-816): View more from Missouri

  Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.

  (816): View more from Missouri

  ...... wtf.

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  (816): Where'd you guys get the alcohol from? (1-816): Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower. (816): ...... wtf. http://tfl.nu/k9gx
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.

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  (540): For future references, orgasms clear sinuses. http://tfl.nu/b2l7
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  (516): View more from New York

  Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice

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  (516): Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice http://tfl.nu/slww
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  (631): View more from New York

  He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.

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  (631): He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved. http://tfl.nu/jbvc
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.

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  (601): He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows. http://tfl.nu/pp93
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.

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  (479): Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out. http://tfl.nu/6ock
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night

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  (908): can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night http://tfl.nu/eoys
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.

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  (724): btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die. http://tfl.nu/rrxi
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.

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  (608): Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard. http://tfl.nu/diwn
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  did u get his digits?

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...

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  (570): did u get his digits? (201): yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone... http://tfl.nu/pvtx
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.

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  (610): I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina. http://tfl.nu/pcj6
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?

  (602): View more from Arizona

  no jk, not my room

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  (602 ): Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room? (602): no jk, not my room http://tfl.nu/i2zn
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back

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  (732): really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back http://tfl.nu/dm4i
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot

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  (630): You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot http://tfl.nu/u2s7
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..

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  (515): RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us.. http://tfl.nu/3ryz
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  (914): View more from New York

  i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school

  (1-914): View more from New York

  oh right the one that ends on your bed

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  (914): i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school (1-914): oh right the one that ends on your bed http://tfl.nu/wrnw
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  (876): View more from Jamaica

  After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone

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  (876): After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone http://tfl.nu/ammv
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.

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  (503): I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too. http://tfl.nu/16uc
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  (516): View more from New York

  i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor

  (1-516): View more from New York

  did you bang her?

  (516): View more from New York

  seriously?

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  (516): i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor (1-516): did you bang her? (516): seriously? http://tfl.nu/fyme
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  (510): View more from California

  Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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  (510): Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay http://tfl.nu/s2rn
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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  (816): That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again http://tfl.nu/xxfj
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.

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  (520): Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already. http://tfl.nu/ffp6
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.

  (352): View more from Florida

  And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.

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  (352): Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye. (352): And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave. http://tfl.nu/f5gq
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  (917): View more from New York City

  He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now

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  (917): He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now http://tfl.nu/4db9
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  eww mummy girl is here...

  (931): View more from Tennessee

  what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.

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  (708): eww mummy girl is here... (931): what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals. http://tfl.nu/7ng0
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life

  (619): View more from California

  with a huge shlong

  (440): View more from Ohio

  massive. i wanna make bitches cry

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  (440): if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life (619): with a huge shlong (440): massive. i wanna make bitches cry http://tfl.nu/imk4
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  (561): View more from Florida

  At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up

  (915): View more from Texas

  Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat

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  (561): At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up (915): Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat http://tfl.nu/y8qb
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.

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  (803): Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine. http://tfl.nu/e72g
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.

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  (757): I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis. http://tfl.nu/mahz
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters

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  (918): There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters http://tfl.nu/8485
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.

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  (604): Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub. http://tfl.nu/91f9
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.

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  (843): Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call. http://tfl.nu/3web
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.

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  (843): Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca. http://tfl.nu/m05t
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.

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  (843): lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff. (404): Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks. http://tfl.nu/3kb3
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.

  (515): View more from Iowa

  I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.

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  (918): Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama. (515): I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott. http://tfl.nu/z2im
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children

  (1-802): View more from Vermont

  actually, i try not to think about it

  (802): View more from Vermont

  and i pooped them out

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  (802): does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children (1-802): actually, i try not to think about it (802): and i pooped them out http://tfl.nu/h4ew
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job

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  (413): I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job http://tfl.nu/ruqn
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  (925): View more from California

  Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.

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  (925): Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you. http://tfl.nu/15wm
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?

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  (+44): can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant? http://tfl.nu/3x8e
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  (718): View more from New York

  Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!

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  (718): Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG! http://tfl.nu/4lok
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.

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  (316): Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can. http://tfl.nu/zubg
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore

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  (480): Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore http://tfl.nu/oifq
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  (716): View more from New York

  holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !

  (1-716): View more from New York

  How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'

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  (716): holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today ! (1-716): How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...' http://tfl.nu/v4tn
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy

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  (920): We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy http://tfl.nu/hjxb
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.

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  (434): He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears. http://tfl.nu/acnv
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it

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  (412): you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it http://tfl.nu/8zt4
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  (347): View more from New York

  sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.

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  (347): sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things. http://tfl.nu/13io
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  (305): View more from Florida

  He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.

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  (305): He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys. http://tfl.nu/g37d
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.

  (347): View more from New York

  Something to remember me by.

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  (832): I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet. (347): Something to remember me by. http://tfl.nu/ual5
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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  (603): Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk. http://tfl.nu/ivw8
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  (972): View more from Texas

  The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way

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  (972): The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way http://tfl.nu/ldbl
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  (305): View more from Florida

  After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.

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  (305): After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it. http://tfl.nu/d686
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  So you're taking me there this weekend?

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.

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  (508): Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu (781): So you're taking me there this weekend? (508): oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food. http://tfl.nu/y6ju
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.

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  (859): I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat. http://tfl.nu/m2ko
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  (850): View more from Florida

  We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.

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  (850): We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun. http://tfl.nu/0mma
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.

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  (817): I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented. http://tfl.nu/9hus
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.

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  (519): You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know. http://tfl.nu/dzr5
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight

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  (802): that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight http://tfl.nu/exu9
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol

  (1-204): View more from Manitoba

  you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on

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  (204): this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol (1-204): you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on http://tfl.nu/g8v3
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  (949): View more from California

  i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit

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  (949): i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit http://tfl.nu/gr8g
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony

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  (912): Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony http://tfl.nu/e5l6
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.

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  (720): She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth. http://tfl.nu/5m3k
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"

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  (303): The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick" http://tfl.nu/klf2
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them

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  (617): were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them http://tfl.nu/uwjn
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  (769): View more from Mississippi

  she said she likes her vagina punished

  (1-769): View more from Mississippi

  being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough

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  (769): she said she likes her vagina punished (1-769): being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough http://tfl.nu/ts79
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.

  (1-337): View more from Louisiana

  so you admit it was good then??

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  (337): if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600. (1-337): so you admit it was good then?? http://tfl.nu/xl9i
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  (845): View more from New York

  i can't find my house

  (1-845): View more from New York

  we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

  (845): View more from New York

  i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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  (845): i can't find my house (1-845): we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago. (845): i'm pretty sure my house moved. http://tfl.nu/nzng
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

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  (334): God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises. http://tfl.nu/xfua
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.

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  (410): There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you. http://tfl.nu/a558
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.

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  (505): My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut. http://tfl.nu/nzlu
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.

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  (808): and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off. http://tfl.nu/1s60
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...

  (1-423): View more from Tennessee

  I'm eager to hear this explaination.

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  (423): Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog... (1-423): I'm eager to hear this explaination. http://tfl.nu/jgrb
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  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer

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  (+64): I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer http://tfl.nu/8v2s
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.

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  (765): I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome. http://tfl.nu/mczw
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him

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  (785): Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him http://tfl.nu/x0sm
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

  (1-519): View more from Ontario

  You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

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  (519): my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar. (1-519): You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make. http://tfl.nu/j6t1
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you

  (541): View more from Oregon

  I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.

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  (503): I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you (541): I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend. http://tfl.nu/6ejs
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls

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  (317): Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls http://tfl.nu/a8qz
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Absence makes the cock grow harder.

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  (816): Absence makes the cock grow harder. http://tfl.nu/yyl1
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  (925): View more from California

  It smells like ranch

  (925): View more from California

  Must be all the white people

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  (925): It smells like ranch (925): Must be all the white people http://tfl.nu/51vw
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  (+33): View more from France

  On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."

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  (+33): On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..." http://tfl.nu/o65f
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.

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  (609): Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life. http://tfl.nu/eqwc
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  i should start naming my morning wood

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  great idea but wrong number

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  (910): i should start naming my morning wood (201): great idea but wrong number http://tfl.nu/1p5a
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake

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  (740): I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake http://tfl.nu/bl2k
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.

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  (912): I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days. http://tfl.nu/3yem
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.

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  (604): when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible. http://tfl.nu/pxku
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

  (1-256): View more from Alabama

  dude how high are you right now?

  (256): View more from Alabama

  do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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  (256): i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground. (1-256): dude how high are you right now? (256): do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves. http://tfl.nu/7ihc
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper

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  (225): i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper http://tfl.nu/01yr
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'

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  (920): you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!' http://tfl.nu/st5y
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.

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  (503): today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola. http://tfl.nu/yi5l
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  (607): View more from New York

  Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.

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  (607): Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave. http://tfl.nu/8ei2
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.

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  (313): I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex. http://tfl.nu/ugby
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  (512): View more from Texas

  He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.

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  (512): He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests. http://tfl.nu/eem8
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  (516): View more from New York

  I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"

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  (516): I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?" http://tfl.nu/niuk
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.

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  (847): i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen. http://tfl.nu/1m72
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.

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  (570): i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network. http://tfl.nu/mmjy
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.

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  (251): As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you. http://tfl.nu/zyub
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.

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  (608): your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places. http://tfl.nu/fel2
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  His hands were made for my vagina.

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  (405): His hands were made for my vagina. http://tfl.nu/uiyy
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

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  (813): I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me. http://tfl.nu/z6eo
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.

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  (501): Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog. http://tfl.nu/8mg1
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.

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  (734): Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested. http://tfl.nu/xcij
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.

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  (902): driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are. http://tfl.nu/vxum
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.

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  (304): yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at. http://tfl.nu/ro5c
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.

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  (641): is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink. http://tfl.nu/upl9
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  (562): View more from California

  cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi

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  (562): cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi http://tfl.nu/kis8
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you

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  (203): we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint (203): i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you http://tfl.nu/509n
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  (713): View more from Texas

  We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.

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  (713): We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love. http://tfl.nu/9dmy
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.

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  (708): This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight. http://tfl.nu/ioqv
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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  (304): She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments http://tfl.nu/75se
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick

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  (501): Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick http://tfl.nu/wixt
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."

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  (828): I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke." http://tfl.nu/rseq
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.

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  (780): He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done. http://tfl.nu/315y
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  (530): View more from California

  We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.

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  (530): We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers. http://tfl.nu/jnk6
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  (914): View more from New York

  you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?

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  (914): you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig? http://tfl.nu/9ypp
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.

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  (203): Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more. http://tfl.nu/bcah
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  (760): View more from California

  when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.

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  (760): when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice. http://tfl.nu/5xpe
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"

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  (484): You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?" http://tfl.nu/prc0
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  (813): View more from Florida

  my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me

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  (813): my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me http://tfl.nu/uytx
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.

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  (803): Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear. http://tfl.nu/2r4l
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.

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  (313): The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her. http://tfl.nu/8p27
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.

  (231): View more from Michigan

  i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.

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  (616): whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook. (231): i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment. http://tfl.nu/fvdt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize

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  (727): Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize http://tfl.nu/86pd
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  (518): View more from New York

  i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with

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  (518): i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you. (202): and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with http://tfl.nu/tq5v
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  (+49): View more from Germany

  They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!

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  (+49): They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany! http://tfl.nu/9nli
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  (+47): View more from Norway

  i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls

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  (+47): i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls http://tfl.nu/1fkx
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.

  (410): View more from Maryland

  engineering majors are such efficient drunks.

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  (717): he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell. (410): engineering majors are such efficient drunks. http://tfl.nu/xm4l
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  (831): View more from California

  she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?

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  (831): she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went? http://tfl.nu/99g1
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

  (816): View more from Missouri

  ..So we should take it off Youtube?

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  (660): THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you. (816): ..So we should take it off Youtube? http://tfl.nu/93os
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  (253): View more from Washington

  he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.

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  (253): he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not. http://tfl.nu/7v4r
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair

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  (647): hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair http://tfl.nu/2ava
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Ill do this for you.

  (1-828): View more from North Carolina

  You are a team player.

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.

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  (828): Ill do this for you. (1-828): You are a team player. (828): This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more. http://tfl.nu/hmdx
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....

  (614): View more from Ohio

  We've got ourselves a situation

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  (614): Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and.... (614): We've got ourselves a situation http://tfl.nu/efwe
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  (858): View more from California

  dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.

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  (858): dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread. http://tfl.nu/pzp6
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.

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  (709): the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table. http://tfl.nu/ak9q
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.

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  (520): The world would be so much better with thought bubbles. http://tfl.nu/emrq
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  (516): View more from New York

  i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".

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  (516): i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed". http://tfl.nu/0nax
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  (213): View more from California

  i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.

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  (213): i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now. http://tfl.nu/744a
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.

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  (303): She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before. http://tfl.nu/yrqt
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth

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  (807): I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth http://tfl.nu/b4j6
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.

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  (217): The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool. http://tfl.nu/4pl2
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  (561): View more from Florida

  I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"

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  (561): I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?" http://tfl.nu/1qvw
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  (817): View more from Texas

  He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house

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  (817): He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house http://tfl.nu/yyye
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.

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  (604): I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was. http://tfl.nu/96eh
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.

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  (306): how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was. http://tfl.nu/gxs4
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  (518): View more from New York

  you're out of your mind

  (518): View more from New York

  you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear

  (518): View more from New York

  it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence

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  (518): you're out of your mind (518): you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear (518): it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence http://tfl.nu/wmaw
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti

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  (770): I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti http://tfl.nu/zbwe
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.

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  (802): you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv. http://tfl.nu/a1rt
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  (212): View more from New York

  her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum

  (212): View more from New York

  i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls

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  (212): her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum (212): i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls http://tfl.nu/3qj9
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  (209): View more from California

  dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity

  (1-209): View more from California

  nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all

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  (209): dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity (1-209): nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all http://tfl.nu/t93h
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome

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  (208): When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome http://tfl.nu/r1ky
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.

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  (505): He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off. http://tfl.nu/4dsi
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  (585): View more from New York

  Why was I handcuffed to the roof?

  (518): View more from New York

  It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly

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  (585): Why was I handcuffed to the roof? (518): It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly http://tfl.nu/nk88
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"

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  (337): All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!" http://tfl.nu/qrwa
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.

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  (816): he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard. http://tfl.nu/weqf
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  (818): View more from California

  remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

  (702): View more from Nevada

  Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

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  (818): remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it, (702): Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch. http://tfl.nu/x8zx
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  (845): View more from New York

  maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night

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  (845): maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night http://tfl.nu/d95d
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.

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  (810): I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future. http://tfl.nu/04uk
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  (954): View more from Florida

  i just sent this text using only my big toe

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  (954): i just sent this text using only my big toe http://tfl.nu/upij
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.

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  (519): i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there. http://tfl.nu/mjp7
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  meow

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.

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  (402): meow (1-402): WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD. http://tfl.nu/2v4y
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza

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  (708): I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza http://tfl.nu/44q3
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  (631): View more from New York

  we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"

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  (631): we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!" http://tfl.nu/dw66
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.

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  (901): She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A. http://tfl.nu/01sf
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  (713): View more from Texas

  on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left

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  (713): on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left http://tfl.nu/gb7d
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  (801): View more from Utah

  My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party

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  (801): My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party http://tfl.nu/4dt1
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

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  (902): and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted. http://tfl.nu/575h
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  (212): View more from New York

  Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.

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  (212): Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it. http://tfl.nu/q1v1
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.

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  (850): I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math. http://tfl.nu/a930
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with

  (217): View more from Illinois

  well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment

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  (610): thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with (217): well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment http://tfl.nu/vbkf
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.

  (716): View more from New York

  i dont this its possible to queef on command.

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  (630): bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face. (716): i dont this its possible to queef on command. http://tfl.nu/u9ov
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...

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  (202): if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess... http://tfl.nu/v82v
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.

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  (970): Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game. http://tfl.nu/c0fd
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?

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  (321): Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik? http://tfl.nu/lg9s
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  (562): View more from California

  Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.

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  (562): Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont. http://tfl.nu/ey1g
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.

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  (256): I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light. http://tfl.nu/687c
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  (707): View more from California

  She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.

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  (707): She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed. http://tfl.nu/z812
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  his penis is PERFECT

  (802): View more from Vermont

  I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm

  (802): View more from Vermont

  or knit it little hat

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  (802): his penis is PERFECT (802): I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm (802): or knit it little hat http://tfl.nu/4cuj
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Don't worry. I has chaperone.

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  (270): Don't worry. I has chaperone. http://tfl.nu/r0c5
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."

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  (479): He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana." http://tfl.nu/t5zw
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians

  (503): View more from Oregon

  How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?

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  (206): I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians (503): How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often? http://tfl.nu/gll8
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...

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  (618): i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw... http://tfl.nu/24ry
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight

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  (419): if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight http://tfl.nu/1a1e
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  (714): View more from California

  walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

  (714): View more from California

  he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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  (714): walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined (714): he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day http://tfl.nu/76ot
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.

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  (313): She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement. http://tfl.nu/rfma
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.

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  (405): he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love. http://tfl.nu/r7jm
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.

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  (515): So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry. http://tfl.nu/0btw
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.

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  (520): while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE. http://tfl.nu/b4l7
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old

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  (401): His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old http://tfl.nu/b9xq
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.

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  (401): I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants. (401): Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean. http://tfl.nu/96j7
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  he even offered to make my bed in the morning.

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  (215): he even offered to make my bed in the morning. http://tfl.nu/d13v
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics

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  (773): I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics http://tfl.nu/o0a3
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  ready 4 sex 2nite?

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  wow. woo me matt, woo me.

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  (847): ready 4 sex 2nite? (978): wow. woo me matt, woo me. http://tfl.nu/frhd
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  (132): View more from

  if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder

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  (132): if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder http://tfl.nu/48fa
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Are you talking about my vagina?

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  (252): Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it (919): Are you talking about my vagina? http://tfl.nu/sfmr
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  (940): View more from Texas

  I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.

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  (940): I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you. http://tfl.nu/qbhx
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  (305): View more from Florida

  We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.

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  (305): We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had. http://tfl.nu/tauu
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  (352): View more from Florida

  she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.

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  (352): she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property. http://tfl.nu/vsw9
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  (850): View more from Florida

  All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.

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  (850): All of my current injuries can be related back to sex. http://tfl.nu/ncc6
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!

  (404): View more from Georgia

  you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.

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  (770): who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!! (404): you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship. http://tfl.nu/9p9t
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.

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  (253): Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college. http://tfl.nu/tulo
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.

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  (859): Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive. http://tfl.nu/9k83
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  (858): View more from California

  i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals

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  (858): i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals http://tfl.nu/45ft
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf

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  (647): she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf http://tfl.nu/59j2
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.

  (818): View more from California

  Punch her baby.

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  (314): There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me. (818): Punch her baby. http://tfl.nu/ve2m
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  (650): View more from California

  i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!

  (408): View more from California

  Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...

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  (650): i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner! (408): Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland... http://tfl.nu/1sp2
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  (281): View more from Texas

  On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?

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  (281): On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do? http://tfl.nu/4exj
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  (940): View more from Texas

  never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down

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  (940): never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down http://tfl.nu/bj4x
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop

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  (248): I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop http://tfl.nu/8y0s
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.

  (810): View more from Michigan

  I think you know the answer.

  (248): View more from Michigan

  How can I marinade myself in Vodka?

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  (248): What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks. (810): I think you know the answer. (248): How can I marinade myself in Vodka? http://tfl.nu/cvlx
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.

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  (978): I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb. http://tfl.nu/h3os
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  (386): View more from Florida

  That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.

  (954): View more from Florida

  Apparently hers is a theme park.

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  (386): That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground. (954): Apparently hers is a theme park. http://tfl.nu/yoy4
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  (516): View more from New York

  I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...

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  (516): I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"... http://tfl.nu/s1bt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.

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  (919): My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet. http://tfl.nu/ix9e
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.

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  (904): Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is. http://tfl.nu/v4zj
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  (512): View more from Texas

  You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."

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  (512): You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you." http://tfl.nu/7ipp
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.

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  (785): There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill. http://tfl.nu/tym2
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.

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  (602): so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes. http://tfl.nu/egav
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  (315): View more from New York

  Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.

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  (315): Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial. http://tfl.nu/jwzw
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."

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  (859): I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny." http://tfl.nu/6v00
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  (435): View more from Utah

  I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.

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  (435): I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated. http://tfl.nu/6ris
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.

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  (201): you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful. http://tfl.nu/ngce
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  just survived the first fart of the relationship.

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  (719): just survived the first fart of the relationship. http://tfl.nu/r3p3
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.

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  (305): Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did. http://tfl.nu/lrh7
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

  (905): View more from Ontario

  You're fat. Stop making excuses

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  (647): all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes (905): You're fat. Stop making excuses http://tfl.nu/rdmk
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  (409): View more from Texas

  He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'

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  (409): He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this' http://tfl.nu/libu
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.

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  (404): Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm. http://tfl.nu/cydy
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.

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  (604): Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling. http://tfl.nu/zskd
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??

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  (816): I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right?? http://tfl.nu/udb6
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  (818): View more from California

  Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night

  (334): View more from Alabama

  I felt like a fucking code breaker.

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  (818): Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night (334): I felt like a fucking code breaker. http://tfl.nu/6jh7
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.

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  (703): He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations. http://tfl.nu/6vv2
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.

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  (732): he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant. http://tfl.nu/xvk7
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls

  (1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome

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  (306): Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls (1-306): I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome http://tfl.nu/f4ni
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.

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  (719): I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment. http://tfl.nu/wmih
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?

  (1-216): View more from Ohio

  Lol no its called college

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  (216): Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER? (1-216): Lol no its called college http://tfl.nu/1cpq
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm glad girls dont get visible erections

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  But, it would have made life so much easier...

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  (857): I'm glad girls dont get visible erections (617 ): But, it would have made life so much easier... http://tfl.nu/zuky
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people

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  (717): ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people http://tfl.nu/gtxu
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags

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  (905): No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags http://tfl.nu/jbrv
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  (305): View more from Florida

  She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.

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  (305): She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself. http://tfl.nu/c54w
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim

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  (603): That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim http://tfl.nu/zg39
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.

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  (503): i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean. http://tfl.nu/trho
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow

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  (773): I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow http://tfl.nu/1xbr
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  (786): View more from Florida

  All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"

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  (786): All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber" http://tfl.nu/jvct
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  (979): View more from Texas

  Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.

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  (979): Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight. http://tfl.nu/18md
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.

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  (817): Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch. http://tfl.nu/y4b9
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous

  (1-574): View more from Indiana

  class

  (574): View more from Indiana

  he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson

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  (574): some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous (1-574): class (574): he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson http://tfl.nu/2w68
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.

  (1-859): View more from Kentucky

  Thanks for throwing up on me.

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  (859): I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night. (1-859): Thanks for throwing up on me. http://tfl.nu/msvj
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.

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  (773): I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you. http://tfl.nu/kzww
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.

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  (218): I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it. http://tfl.nu/fsad
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.

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  (608): Im mastering the way to pass gas silently. http://tfl.nu/n26o
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now

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  (917): I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now http://tfl.nu/4qek
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.

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  (503): I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink. http://tfl.nu/0fnk
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  (425): View more from Washington

  if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you

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  (425): if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you http://tfl.nu/ohu0
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'

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  (224): It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat' http://tfl.nu/0g9k
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  what was i wearing?

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  nothing

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  (203): you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress' (508): what was i wearing? (203): nothing http://tfl.nu/2bg6
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"

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  (248): They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick" http://tfl.nu/5fi0
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?

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  (610): I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for? http://tfl.nu/9amw
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"

  (1-204): View more from Manitoba

  you are both the best and worst wingman ever.

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  (204): I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?" (1-204): you are both the best and worst wingman ever. http://tfl.nu/2hl0
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  (347): View more from New York

  Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....

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  (347): Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night..... http://tfl.nu/buh9
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I wish I had a frozen water bed.

  (253): View more from Washington

  best. idea. ever.

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  (734): I wish I had a frozen water bed. (253): best. idea. ever. http://tfl.nu/r1w7
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  (561): View more from Florida

  definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?

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  (561): definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful? http://tfl.nu/v0si
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Hey man your outta milk

  (541): View more from Oregon

  How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!

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  (503): Hey man your outta milk (541): How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?! http://tfl.nu/1x3m
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  (469): View more from Texas

  Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.

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  (469): Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me. http://tfl.nu/jccz
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar

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  (+44): That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar http://tfl.nu/aq1i
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.

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  (443): There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees. http://tfl.nu/9alk
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.

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  (850): Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day. http://tfl.nu/xqgd
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.

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  (406): Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified. http://tfl.nu/dihz
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do

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  (802): I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do http://tfl.nu/o1hg
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...

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  (602): Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship... http://tfl.nu/dw4u
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"

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  (917): I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people" http://tfl.nu/5d9d
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word

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  (971): this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word http://tfl.nu/bykc
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Thanks for last night it was amazing as always

  (703): View more from Virginia

  What are you talking about

  (240): View more from Maryland

  You've got to be kidding me

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  (240): Thanks for last night it was amazing as always (703): What are you talking about (240): You've got to be kidding me http://tfl.nu/zj8e
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning

  (1-217): View more from Illinois

  didn't feel it. :)

  (217): View more from Illinois

  It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.

  (1-217): View more from Illinois

  wait what? so it's not in america?

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  (217): Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning (1-217): didn't feel it. :) (217): It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't. (1-217): wait what? so it's not in america? http://tfl.nu/0q24
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay

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  (903): Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay http://tfl.nu/z5xx
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  Actions speak louder than pants.

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  (865): Actions speak louder than pants. http://tfl.nu/3ga3
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.

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  (410): i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow. http://tfl.nu/v829
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"

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  (302): he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks" http://tfl.nu/zxub
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people

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  (614): If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people http://tfl.nu/avir
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  (212): View more from New York

  I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro

  (630): View more from Illinois

  I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth

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  (212): I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro (630): I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth http://tfl.nu/vvtz
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  (850): View more from Florida

  some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.

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  (850): some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face. http://tfl.nu/tn6y
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  (347): View more from New York

  alright she left, finally time to fart up the room

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  (347): alright she left, finally time to fart up the room http://tfl.nu/utm3
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  (941): View more from Florida

  She is totally STD

  (941): View more from Florida

  Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD

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  (941): She is totally STD (941): Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD http://tfl.nu/ruv5
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A

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  (612): I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A http://tfl.nu/yjw5
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  (650): View more from California

  Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.

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  (650): Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart. http://tfl.nu/8dw8
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  (516): View more from New York

  I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done

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  (516): I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done http://tfl.nu/fwxa
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works

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  (978): he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works http://tfl.nu/o828
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Am i fat?

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  Well i wouldnt let you on top

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  (248): Am i fat? (1-248): Well i wouldnt let you on top http://tfl.nu/1yk2
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  (425): View more from Washington

  i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.

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  (425): i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life. http://tfl.nu/aawj
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me

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  (218): If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me http://tfl.nu/kwsp
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  (562): View more from California

  the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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  (562): the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon... http://tfl.nu/do0i
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons

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  (301): Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons http://tfl.nu/ha6n
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  (425): View more from Washington

  her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

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  (425): her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle. http://tfl.nu/baj8
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?

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  (203): What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face? http://tfl.nu/dot3
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  [insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

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  (937): [insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight] http://tfl.nu/2cq7
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.

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  (615): I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us. http://tfl.nu/3t30
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.

  (1-410): View more from Maryland

  I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.

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  (410): I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube. (1-410): I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds. http://tfl.nu/szhm
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.

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  (843): all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies. http://tfl.nu/8ixd
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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  (440): Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried http://tfl.nu/9dr3
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store

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  (303): Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store http://tfl.nu/jpa2
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  (510): View more from California

  answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.

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  (510): answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it. http://tfl.nu/6rsg
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  (707): View more from California

  You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.

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  (707): You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond. http://tfl.nu/h38e
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.

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  (504): I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of. http://tfl.nu/c6bd
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

  (1-423): View more from Tennessee

  I honestly don't know what to make of that.

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  A ham sandwich would be nice.

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  (423): I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich. (1-423): I honestly don't know what to make of that. (423): A ham sandwich would be nice. http://tfl.nu/fg3s
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  (916): View more from California

  my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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  (916): my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out. http://tfl.nu/f1nl
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"

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  (757): Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT" http://tfl.nu/x7ms
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  (716): View more from New York

  One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.

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  (716): One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl. http://tfl.nu/aaag
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  (718): View more from New York

  ...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex

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  (718): ...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex http://tfl.nu/2clh
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?

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  (617): We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in? http://tfl.nu/ejnj
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  (631): View more from New York

  So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"

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  (631): So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?" http://tfl.nu/ljzm
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  (858): View more from California

  I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.

  (619): View more from California

  you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS

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  (858): I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up. (619): you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS http://tfl.nu/a8ci
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.

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  (641): Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon. http://tfl.nu/inm7
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  honey you're def caucasian

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z

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  (704): i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann (803): honey you're def caucasian (704): i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z http://tfl.nu/jt3t
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me

  (1-313): View more from Michigan

  restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch

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  (313): I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me (1-313): restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch http://tfl.nu/60qu
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  (760): View more from California

  Why is your vibrator in the fridge?

  (1-760): View more from California

  I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.

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  (760): Why is your vibrator in the fridge? (1-760): I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there. http://tfl.nu/7etk
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  (562): View more from California

  In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...

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  (562): In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for... http://tfl.nu/hz7t
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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  (978): i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running. http://tfl.nu/jcc8
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see

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  (843): it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see http://tfl.nu/5bmk
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  like hot dogs and buns.

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  (609): i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky (267): like hot dogs and buns. http://tfl.nu/crsi
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk

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  (256): Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk http://tfl.nu/ail4
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.

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  (614): No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog. http://tfl.nu/lwrd
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...

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  (905): oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"... http://tfl.nu/xa6k
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I just know... :) goodntight

  (1-281): View more from Texas

  Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.

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  (281): I just know... :) goodntight (1-281): Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too. http://tfl.nu/kxmt
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.

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  (720): Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight. http://tfl.nu/wlf9
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Get out now.

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  (301): If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me? (513): Get out now. http://tfl.nu/w3kk
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.

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  (973): A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ. http://tfl.nu/a72f
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle

  (1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

  Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other

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  (306): They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle (1-306): Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other http://tfl.nu/7xcc
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)

  (708): View more from Illinois

  WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE

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  (612): she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :) (708): WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE http://tfl.nu/vm9y
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  (916): View more from California

  So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?

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  (916): So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off? http://tfl.nu/zq3l
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?

  (1-815): View more from Illinois

  why can't you just be normal

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  (815): have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u? (1-815): why can't you just be normal http://tfl.nu/06xb
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.

  (714): View more from California

  Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

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  (712): Doctor said I have sports induced asthma. (714): Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape." http://tfl.nu/hfcj
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.

  (614): View more from Ohio

  Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money

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  (317): Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina. (614): Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money http://tfl.nu/rx4e
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.

  (618): View more from Illinois

  Disappointment?

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  (404): They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces. (618): Disappointment? http://tfl.nu/lu72
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.

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  (678): I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head. http://tfl.nu/4u7e
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.

  (1-706): View more from Georgia

  Where's it at?

  (706): View more from Georgia

  In your pants.

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  (706): We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now. (1-706): Where's it at? (706): In your pants. http://tfl.nu/w8ar
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?

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  (513): The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU? http://tfl.nu/gpmz
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  (916): View more from California

  She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad

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  (916): She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad http://tfl.nu/bnzk
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers

  (1-720): View more from Colorado

  eat her like coffee?

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  (720): yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers (1-720): eat her like coffee? http://tfl.nu/6p99
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!

  (1-410): View more from Maryland

  the part where you beat me to him

  (410): View more from Maryland

  fair enough.

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  (410): what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?! (1-410): the part where you beat me to him (410): fair enough. http://tfl.nu/4y3l
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  it's like her boobs came off with her bra

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  (412): it's like her boobs came off with her bra http://tfl.nu/ua1r
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.

  (1405): View more from

  I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?

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  (405): If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie. (1405): I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes? http://tfl.nu/u9sc
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!

  (734): View more from Michigan

  I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.

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  (757): Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet! (734): I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet. http://tfl.nu/0xwp
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  (310): View more from California

  im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon

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  (310): im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon http://tfl.nu/qfy4
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you

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  (586): Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you http://tfl.nu/xexu
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"

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  (443): The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts" http://tfl.nu/th5a
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  (607): View more from New York

  haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.

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  (607): haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook. http://tfl.nu/7oed
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"

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  (410): In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!" http://tfl.nu/p213
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  (386): View more from Florida

  Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"

  (1-386): View more from Florida

  You're going home with him aren't you?

  (386): View more from Florida

  I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house

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  (386): Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!" (1-386): You're going home with him aren't you? (386): I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house http://tfl.nu/c9az
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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  (724): Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted. http://tfl.nu/tz2e
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  (407): View more from Florida

  it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.

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  (407): it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone. http://tfl.nu/u2hu
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  (805): View more from California

  the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.

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  (805): the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do. http://tfl.nu/fu0w
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.

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  (540): Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex. http://tfl.nu/iyvz
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  (845): View more from New York

  no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill

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  (845): no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill http://tfl.nu/ddir
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.

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  (513): i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure. http://tfl.nu/ruyi
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  (214): View more from Texas

  She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca

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  (214): She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca http://tfl.nu/k60q
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.

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  (512): I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw. (1-512): Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid. http://tfl.nu/p25a
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  (954): View more from Florida

  When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.

  (1-954): View more from Florida

  RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND

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  (954): When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed. (1-954): RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND http://tfl.nu/q689
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?

  (206): View more from Washington

  Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.

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  (717): Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too? (206): Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no. http://tfl.nu/3dwz
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  (980): View more from North Carolina

  You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.

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  (980): You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls. http://tfl.nu/1jxr
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.

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  (303): I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet. http://tfl.nu/l0f7
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.

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  (401): we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either. http://tfl.nu/u7gs
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I cont stop tolking in a british axsent

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  (215): I cont stop tolking in a british axsent http://tfl.nu/j2m9
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.

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  (307): Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again. http://tfl.nu/btf1
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"

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  (636): we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle" http://tfl.nu/m65a
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?

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  (850): Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller? http://tfl.nu/lnof
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  (954): View more from Florida

  So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.

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  (954): So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had. http://tfl.nu/ag2c
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  (212): View more from New York

  It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.

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  (212): It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you. http://tfl.nu/rmlk
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  He's been sleeping iwht ***

  (1-816): View more from Missouri

  Nooo

  (816): View more from Missouri

  Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb

  (816): View more from Missouri

  And then hit her in the face with a shovel

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  (816): He's been sleeping iwht *** (1-816): Nooo (816): Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb (816): And then hit her in the face with a shovel http://tfl.nu/a1q0
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.

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  (908): My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv. http://tfl.nu/oqts
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.

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  (214): Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada. http://tfl.nu/cunl
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?

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  (240): How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf? http://tfl.nu/9o9r
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  what???

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

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  (803): I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass (864): what??? (803): AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS http://tfl.nu/2t7d
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  (213): View more from California

  I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'

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  (213): I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered' http://tfl.nu/8qxk
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  (818): View more from California

  This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.

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  (818): This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate. http://tfl.nu/k2b3
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  (646): View more from New York

  jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times

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  (646): jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times http://tfl.nu/h14v
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  (631): View more from New York

  im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies

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  (631): im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies http://tfl.nu/qgfc
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  (631): View more from New York

  So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.

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  (631): So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that. http://tfl.nu/a0qi
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw

  (1-612): View more from Minnesota

  strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  could be more

  (1-612): View more from Minnesota

  absolutely not

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  (612): Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw (1-612): strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing (612): could be more (1-612): absolutely not http://tfl.nu/n6ii
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.

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  (404): I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party. http://tfl.nu/j6hi
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented

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  (618): bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented http://tfl.nu/qz6v
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.

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  (204): this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food. http://tfl.nu/5ycb
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying

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  (404): He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying http://tfl.nu/0ccm
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.

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  (410): just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks. http://tfl.nu/gf3t
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.

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  (401): Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile. http://tfl.nu/y928
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  (714): View more from California

  when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow

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  (714): when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow http://tfl.nu/3ljm
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.

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  (678): I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present. http://tfl.nu/aj43
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  (661): View more from California

  aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet

  (623): View more from Arizona

  And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs

  (661): View more from California

  Exactly.

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  (661): aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet (623): And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs (661): Exactly. http://tfl.nu/5o7t
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me

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  (678): I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me http://tfl.nu/yjun
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Yeah, i think she was German or something.

  (1-405): View more from Oklahoma

  No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.

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  (405): Yeah, i think she was German or something. (1-405): No dude, she's just got a speech impediment. http://tfl.nu/y6oj
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  (631): View more from New York

  I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.

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  (631): I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York. http://tfl.nu/aty3
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  (806): View more from Texas

  yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....

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  (806): yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac.... http://tfl.nu/v8jl
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  (631): View more from New York

  I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I don't want you to recite the pledge!

  (631): View more from New York

  Pledge alligien to america to united states of america

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  (631): I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge. (401): I don't want you to recite the pledge! (631): Pledge alligien to america to united states of america http://tfl.nu/s7dx
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters

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  (240): you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters http://tfl.nu/0u7p
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  (360): View more from Washington

  i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man

  (206): View more from Washington

  ?

  (360): View more from Washington

  he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!

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  (360): i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man (206): ? (360): he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH! http://tfl.nu/k0fi
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.

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  (503): idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him. http://tfl.nu/3ewm
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.

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  (201): He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me. http://tfl.nu/n6mr
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  (713): View more from Texas

  she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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  (713): she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful? http://tfl.nu/75hl
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.

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  (214): Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake. http://tfl.nu/zq33
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  (954): View more from Florida

  thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.

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  (954): thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much. http://tfl.nu/ll22
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course

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  (302): I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course http://tfl.nu/mcvz
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.

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  (256): I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them. http://tfl.nu/zwx2
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  (315): View more from New York

  She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...

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  (315): She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this... http://tfl.nu/h8y9
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.

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  (205): I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face. http://tfl.nu/ce47
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Do ugly people know they are ugly?

  (1-202): View more from Washington, DC

  The quiet ones do.

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  (202): Do ugly people know they are ugly? (1-202): The quiet ones do. http://tfl.nu/129a
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning

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  (480): I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning http://tfl.nu/5v1w
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.

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  (970): The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito. http://tfl.nu/8dlm
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  (817): View more from Texas

  So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...

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  (817): So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain... http://tfl.nu/gzma
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters

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  (405): I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters http://tfl.nu/onkh
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  (406): View more from Montana

  i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal

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  (406): i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal http://tfl.nu/k627
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again

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  (231): So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again http://tfl.nu/75wq
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  (863): View more from Florida

  sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it

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  (863): sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it http://tfl.nu/fu71
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  (716): View more from New York

  My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics

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  (716): My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics http://tfl.nu/wc24
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on

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  (732): the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on http://tfl.nu/v7m7
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  (855): View more from

  I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?

  (855): View more from

  No. I am devastated

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  (855): I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts? (855): No. I am devastated http://tfl.nu/0cqz
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  (718): View more from New York

  He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.

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  (718): He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race. http://tfl.nu/hbzv
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!

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  (443): just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?! http://tfl.nu/h1we
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  (562): View more from California

  If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up

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  (562): If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up http://tfl.nu/jdv3
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .

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  (250): woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" . http://tfl.nu/721o
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?

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  (503): do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out? http://tfl.nu/q9ps
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  i think i left my bra at your place

  (1-901): View more from Tennessee

  It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.

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  (901): i think i left my bra at your place (1-901): It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there. http://tfl.nu/dg7a
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  (323): View more from California

  No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.

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  (323): No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too. http://tfl.nu/d0fo
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  VAGINAS EVERYWHERE

  (804): View more from Virginia

  they're staring at me

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  (804): VAGINAS EVERYWHERE (804): they're staring at me http://tfl.nu/jqj2
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.

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  (480): A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card. http://tfl.nu/fah6
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.

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  (403): I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like. http://tfl.nu/sasf
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

  (206): View more from Washington

  You are the luckiest man alive

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  (801): Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first (206): You are the luckiest man alive http://tfl.nu/uh0h
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.

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  (832): The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left. http://tfl.nu/7tek
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  (925): View more from California

  anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.

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  (925): anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend. http://tfl.nu/wrr6
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you

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  (678): Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you http://tfl.nu/rkl4
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  (079): View more from

  I think we need to take a brake

  (078): View more from

  What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'

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  (079): I think we need to take a brake (078): What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake' http://tfl.nu/ju32
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  (707): View more from California

  You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative

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  (707): You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative http://tfl.nu/7tsg
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome

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  (403): That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome http://tfl.nu/k9p3
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  (518): View more from New York

  he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.

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  (518): he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name. http://tfl.nu/imhe
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.

  (1-480): View more from Arizona

  Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?

  (480): View more from Arizona

  You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.

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  (480): Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room. (1-480): Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess? (480): You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about. http://tfl.nu/fd7a
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.

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  (770): i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles. http://tfl.nu/d3lp
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.

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  (775): Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk. (504): Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera. http://tfl.nu/hakn
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.

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  (920): So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again. http://tfl.nu/54yy
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk

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  (217): You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk http://tfl.nu/jf67
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.

  (1-302): View more from Delaware

  You mean inside out.

  (302): View more from Delaware

  No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.

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  (302): I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down. (1-302): You mean inside out. (302): No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist. http://tfl.nu/eio3
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit

  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex

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  (832): I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit (303): I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex http://tfl.nu/u4ul
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  (510): View more from California

  Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.    

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  (510): Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.     http://tfl.nu/ot3m
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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  (970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick. http://tfl.nu/w6wy
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.

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  (662): My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room. http://tfl.nu/yex2
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money

  (813): View more from Florida

  sounds like you understand them just fine

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  (901): I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money (813): sounds like you understand them just fine http://tfl.nu/0zfp
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  (619): View more from California

  i miss you so much

  (858): View more from California

  i miss you too

  (858): View more from California

  oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me

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  (619): i miss you so much (858): i miss you too (858): oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me http://tfl.nu/932e
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins

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  (757): Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank" (201): hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins http://tfl.nu/g5wh
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip

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  (256): I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip http://tfl.nu/ulnl
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.

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  (850): Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual. http://tfl.nu/97w0
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  (415): View more from California

  I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"

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  (415): I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?" http://tfl.nu/fnwu
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society

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  (202): i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society http://tfl.nu/5vfp
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds

  (404): View more from Georgia

  She started it, but I totally finished it.

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  (404): A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds (404): She started it, but I totally finished it. http://tfl.nu/luqt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.

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  (314): Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us. http://tfl.nu/5cyi
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...

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  (704): so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie... http://tfl.nu/pw66
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  (626): View more from California

  They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes

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  (626): They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes http://tfl.nu/n6ba
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.

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  (815): I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe. http://tfl.nu/z3x3
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.

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  (816): If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day. http://tfl.nu/k8ur
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  (716): View more from New York

  You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.

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  (716): You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook. http://tfl.nu/wajd
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.

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  (618): It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over. http://tfl.nu/n4d4
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.

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  (978): he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey. http://tfl.nu/pfjh
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  (916): View more from California

  Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?

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  (916): Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool? http://tfl.nu/8wpx
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat

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  (860): I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat http://tfl.nu/ctv0
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  (941): View more from Florida

  I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message

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  (941): I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message http://tfl.nu/pqsm
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  (310): View more from California

  I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.

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  (310): I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless. http://tfl.nu/yhaf
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"

  (616): View more from Michigan

  He did it well too

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  (616): His pickup line was "I'll eat you out" (616): He did it well too http://tfl.nu/h6lm
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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  (224): so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now. http://tfl.nu/4hn1
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career

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  (269): i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career http://tfl.nu/7xqo
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  And you didn't burst into flames?

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  (339): He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church. (1-203): And you didn't burst into flames? http://tfl.nu/aa0l
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.

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  (770): I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass. http://tfl.nu/0fum
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  (831): View more from California

  I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.

  (1-831): View more from California

  stop. you already have a dog

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  (831): I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company. (1-831): stop. you already have a dog http://tfl.nu/bxqv
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  (742): View more from

  What happened last night?

  (1-742): View more from

  You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.

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  (742): What happened last night? (1-742): You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth. http://tfl.nu/koqa
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.

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  (901): we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly. http://tfl.nu/dwqa
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.

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  (303): Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel. http://tfl.nu/te56
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  (518): View more from New York

  All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

  (301): View more from Maryland

  OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

  (518): View more from New York

  Doritoesssssss

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  (518): All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss (301): OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with? (518): Doritoesssssss http://tfl.nu/528p
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?

  (778): View more from British Columbia

  Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Ohh that happened after I started to cry.

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  (604): I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous? (778): Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely. (604): Ohh that happened after I started to cry. http://tfl.nu/giil
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  (789): View more from

  If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.

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  (789): If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days. http://tfl.nu/hp74
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  (516): View more from New York

  I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss

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  (516): I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss http://tfl.nu/w0b9
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  (310): View more from California

  i fucked a milf yesterday.

  (619): View more from California

  i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

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  (310): i fucked a milf yesterday. (619): i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old. http://tfl.nu/l3df
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  (949): View more from California

  The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.

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  (949): The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women. http://tfl.nu/zhxo
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  (661): View more from California

  I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.

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  (661): I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck. http://tfl.nu/we3a
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.

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  (678): Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him. http://tfl.nu/ayc4
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.

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  (608): The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer. http://tfl.nu/u1k3
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  (619): View more from California

  woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.

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  (619): woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word. http://tfl.nu/lmgd
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  (951): View more from California

  my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.

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  (951): my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands. http://tfl.nu/553v
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  (714): View more from California

  i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock

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  (714): i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock http://tfl.nu/oxvs
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  (530): View more from California

  I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

  (1-530): View more from California

  fuck. you.

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  (530): I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight. (1-530): fuck. you. http://tfl.nu/1kgv
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?

  (1-775): View more from Nevada

  A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!

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  (775): What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS? (1-775): A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass! http://tfl.nu/lvgp
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  (805): View more from California

  woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."

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  (805): woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream." http://tfl.nu/w9nn
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?

  (518): View more from New York

  No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.

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  (313): Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween? (518): No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate. http://tfl.nu/4msk
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  (925): View more from California

  it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.

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  (925): it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee. http://tfl.nu/9pjs
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?

  (1-918): View more from Oklahoma

  Woah.

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  that's not how you spell hell yes.

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  (918): you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you? (1-918): Woah. (918): that's not how you spell hell yes. http://tfl.nu/i519
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  (818): View more from California

  I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.

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  (818): I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever. http://tfl.nu/1b0y
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  (518): View more from New York

  4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

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  (518): 4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens. http://tfl.nu/m8yq
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.

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  (513): I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed. http://tfl.nu/lx5o
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek

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  (613): the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek http://tfl.nu/bytn
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"

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  (401): so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now" http://tfl.nu/ut9w
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  let's bang

  (773): View more from Illinois

  You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.

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  (216): let's bang (773): You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no. http://tfl.nu/cr4i
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.

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  (781): So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets. http://tfl.nu/zt9l
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!

  (1-313): View more from Michigan

  it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...

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  (313): mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up! (1-313): it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me... http://tfl.nu/s17x
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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  (519): i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends? http://tfl.nu/08w4
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  only room for one pussy in that bed.

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  (262): When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy. (612): only room for one pussy in that bed. http://tfl.nu/8gho
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.

  (376): View more from

  you are insane

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  (901): Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere. (376): you are insane http://tfl.nu/nfoh
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I think I'm in Tiajuana

  (404): View more from Georgia

  You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago

  (706): View more from Georgia

  I could be

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  (706): I think I'm in Tiajuana (404): You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago (706): I could be http://tfl.nu/4kta
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  (631): View more from New York

  She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina

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  (631): She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina http://tfl.nu/7w0w
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  (315): View more from New York

  he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...

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  (315): he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear... http://tfl.nu/9by5
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.

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  (407): Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents. http://tfl.nu/8i9e
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  (631): View more from New York

  I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...

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  (631): I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever... http://tfl.nu/ojc2
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.

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  (512): I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different. http://tfl.nu/tob0
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy

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  (602): I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy http://tfl.nu/rk38
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion

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  (651): The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion http://tfl.nu/8885
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you

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  (303): I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like. (303): well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you http://tfl.nu/sccs
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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  (732): You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice http://tfl.nu/hsgc
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously

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  (210): Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously http://tfl.nu/22yg
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.

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  (804): finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets. http://tfl.nu/gp9t
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.

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  (251): So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night. http://tfl.nu/7pk1
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  (310): View more from California

  Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....

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  (310): Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google.... http://tfl.nu/f2r9
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal

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  (503): Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal http://tfl.nu/qwe2
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year

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  (517): this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year http://tfl.nu/tikr
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.

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  (727): I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now. http://tfl.nu/6a5q
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"

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  (970): ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and" http://tfl.nu/hqw1
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle

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  (612): He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle http://tfl.nu/2q09
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."

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  (763): We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms." http://tfl.nu/x5sd
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down

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  (203): he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down http://tfl.nu/m1he
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"

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  (503): my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal" http://tfl.nu/pkcw
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  (805): View more from California

  a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot

  (818): View more from California

  god is laughing at you again

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  (805): a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot (818): god is laughing at you again http://tfl.nu/4fg3
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.

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  (480): I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts. http://tfl.nu/t2zp
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  (530): View more from California

  I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.

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  (530): I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon. http://tfl.nu/vb88
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...

  (1-401): View more from Rhode Island

  told you he was gay.

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  (401): he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head... (1-401): told you he was gay. http://tfl.nu/35fi
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  (516): View more from New York

  my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall

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  (516): my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall http://tfl.nu/7d2k
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I used to practice getting hit by cars.

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  (352): I used to practice getting hit by cars. http://tfl.nu/t3x2
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  (408): View more from California

  They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

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  (408): They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald. http://tfl.nu/krtp
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

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  (330): You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox. http://tfl.nu/xeau
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle

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  (330): oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle http://tfl.nu/fluw
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"

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  (856): She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk" http://tfl.nu/d5n3
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.

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  (601): It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed. http://tfl.nu/yhbt
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.

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  (720): This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread. http://tfl.nu/5lzr
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.

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  (304): There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time. http://tfl.nu/tmab
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.

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  (419): The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song. http://tfl.nu/rv8e
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.

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  (229): He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records. http://tfl.nu/dlha
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?

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  (605): you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out? http://tfl.nu/fgrz
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  (716): View more from New York

  i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts

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  (716): i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts http://tfl.nu/g5xn
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."

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  (201): At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure." http://tfl.nu/vpnd
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.

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  (440): he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life. http://tfl.nu/ggva
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

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  (513): Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud. http://tfl.nu/fmdm
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  (914): View more from New York

  I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.

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  (914): I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned. http://tfl.nu/hdoa
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.

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  (336): While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus. http://tfl.nu/10to
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.

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  (859): Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things. http://tfl.nu/chhw
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  (409): View more from Texas

  Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.

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  (409): Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing. http://tfl.nu/yp46
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.

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  (337): Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop. http://tfl.nu/jwrv
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?

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  (856): There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look? http://tfl.nu/ylkg
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.

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  (602): either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing. http://tfl.nu/e07a
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  This explains a lot.

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  (609): So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner.... (732): This explains a lot. http://tfl.nu/s7a0
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  when did we get a doorman?

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  we were also in the wrong building...

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  (203): yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman. (508): when did we get a doorman? (203): we were also in the wrong building... http://tfl.nu/c2ke
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.

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  (608): I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her. http://tfl.nu/mczp
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.

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  (404): You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal. http://tfl.nu/0da6
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.

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  (630): He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over. http://tfl.nu/mky5
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  (845): View more from New York

  hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table

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  (845): hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table http://tfl.nu/l87u
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?

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  (701): does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat? http://tfl.nu/hd1u
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.

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  (910): Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up. http://tfl.nu/oxuw
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.

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  (352): Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song. http://tfl.nu/qyok
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

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  (843): when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home. http://tfl.nu/096s
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door

  (865): View more from Tennessee

  and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice

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  (865): we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door (865): and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice http://tfl.nu/lffl
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo

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  (704): Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo http://tfl.nu/ot2w
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.

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  (832): I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed. http://tfl.nu/rvfy
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.

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  (541): I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog. http://tfl.nu/ft4h
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again

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  (519): oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again http://tfl.nu/6u76
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?

  (914): View more from New York

  please be gone before i get back

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  (201): i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf? (914): please be gone before i get back http://tfl.nu/y347
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  (949): View more from California

  Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?

  (619): View more from California

  hahahahahahahahahahaha

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  (949): Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth? (619): hahahahahahahahahahaha http://tfl.nu/hwol
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels

  (1-603): View more from New Hampshire

  Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know

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  (603): Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels (1-603) Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know http://tfl.nu/7nn4
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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  (864): So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life" http://tfl.nu/u5wp
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.

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  (604): I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey. http://tfl.nu/1r0k
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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  (910): wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars (910): IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT http://tfl.nu/70k5
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  (914): View more from New York

  I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me

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  (914): I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me http://tfl.nu/jvjy
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.

  (1-810): View more from Michigan

  either way. win, win.

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  (810): My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches. (1-810): either way. win, win. http://tfl.nu/dnjj
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts

  (678): View more from Georgia

  too late i think im gettin a gcui

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  (678): quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts (678): too late i think im gettin a gcui http://tfl.nu/nfhn
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  I ordered a moonbounce.

  (813): View more from Florida

  Fuck, you win.

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  (813): Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party. (1-813): I ordered a moonbounce. (813): Fuck, you win. http://tfl.nu/qedv
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me

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  (402): your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me http://tfl.nu/38h8
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  (831): View more from California

  No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick

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  (831): No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick http://tfl.nu/r1nb
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.

  (219): View more from Indiana

  You said that last year...

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  (260): Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate. (219): You said that last year... http://tfl.nu/7qlf
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.

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  (513): I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me. http://tfl.nu/k06t
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

  (713): View more from Texas

  Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

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  (832): At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept?? (713): Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger. http://tfl.nu/oww9
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  (707): View more from California

  My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."

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  (707): My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet." http://tfl.nu/s1m4
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."

  (1-608): View more from Wisconsin

  At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.

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  (608): Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke." (1-608): At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account. (608): Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot. http://tfl.nu/k199
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.

  (1-662): View more from Mississippi

  I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.

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  (662): Stop introducing me to people as your little sister. (1-662): I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother. http://tfl.nu/5xkr
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.

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  (715): I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that. http://tfl.nu/f05r
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.

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  (313): this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it. http://tfl.nu/wugy
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"

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  (765): I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock" http://tfl.nu/hksp
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  (972): View more from Texas

  You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

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  (972): You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry" http://tfl.nu/fk1l
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.

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  (405): You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts. http://tfl.nu/ijh6
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I love boston

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  (781): The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH (781): I love boston http://tfl.nu/jz0y
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  (409): View more from Texas

  We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.

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  (409): We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield. http://tfl.nu/bpsu
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.

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  (573): I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn. http://tfl.nu/8enu
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class

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  (609): Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class http://tfl.nu/440m
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.

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  (419): Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them. http://tfl.nu/vhc8
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  (813): View more from Florida

  for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!

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  (813): for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?! http://tfl.nu/r22y
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket

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  (615): i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket http://tfl.nu/krhl
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  (914): View more from New York

  Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk

  (1-914): View more from New York

  It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you

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  (914): Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk (1-914): It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you http://tfl.nu/bgwq
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  (562): View more from California

  Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on

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  (562): Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on http://tfl.nu/30zy
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  (646): View more from New York

  They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!

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  (646): They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?! http://tfl.nu/7uj0
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you

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  (810): Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you http://tfl.nu/vy0a
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night

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  (270): It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night http://tfl.nu/y9wt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk

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  (802): you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk http://tfl.nu/784w
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much

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  (609): We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much http://tfl.nu/4hfy
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.

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  (904): Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened. http://tfl.nu/0eyi
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?

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  (504): How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need? http://tfl.nu/pqn5
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser

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  (336): I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser http://tfl.nu/rv8v
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later

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  (412): we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later http://tfl.nu/u7bo
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?

  (740): View more from Ohio

  bitches.

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  (614): can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!? (740): bitches. http://tfl.nu/evq4
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

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  (251): you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you http://tfl.nu/7a0u
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I GOT MY PERIOD!

  (706): View more from Georgia

  damn. i had names picked out.

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  (706): I GOT MY PERIOD! (706): damn. i had names picked out. http://tfl.nu/tcr6
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.

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  (410): I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs. http://tfl.nu/xa92
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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  (703): swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back." (202): buy whatever she's on. a lot of it. http://tfl.nu/b6gr
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

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  (920): Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep. http://tfl.nu/o54g
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  (904): View more from Florida

  he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up

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  (904): he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up http://tfl.nu/1mju
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  (315): View more from New York

  They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.

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  (315): They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it. http://tfl.nu/5i1a
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.

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  (309): I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust. http://tfl.nu/mc9g
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn

  (952): View more from Minnesota

  what?

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn

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  (612): i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn (952): what? (612): i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn http://tfl.nu/vdma
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  (212): View more from New York

  I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"

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  (212): I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out" http://tfl.nu/blqb
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  (760): View more from California

  I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass

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  (760): I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass http://tfl.nu/6hj6
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  (+77): View more from

  her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'

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  (+77): her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like' http://tfl.nu/jkuk
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  (516): View more from New York

  doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine

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  (516): doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine http://tfl.nu/5fcf
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.

  (1-773): View more from Illinois

  Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married

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  (773): She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win. (1-773): Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married http://tfl.nu/w32w
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.

  (1-515): View more from Iowa

  As in blowjob or cannibalism?

  (515): View more from Iowa

  I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.

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  (515): John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance. (1-515): As in blowjob or cannibalism? (515): I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal. http://tfl.nu/r3de
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  (727): View more from Florida

  and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.

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  (727): and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go. http://tfl.nu/b20y
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  (813): View more from Florida

  God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.

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  (813): God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket. http://tfl.nu/pclq
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.

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  (708): You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half. http://tfl.nu/enxi
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.

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  (203): There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game. http://tfl.nu/0we4
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter

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  (732): i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter http://tfl.nu/90no
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  (518): View more from New York

  and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card

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  (518): and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card http://tfl.nu/bprl
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

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  (816): Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face" http://tfl.nu/0o08
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.

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  (401): i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush. http://tfl.nu/l70n
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.

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  (313): Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack. http://tfl.nu/j0gt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".

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  (480): Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis". http://tfl.nu/fly1
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I intend to get homeless drunk

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  (403): I intend to get homeless drunk http://tfl.nu/9yk9
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.

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  (785): We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson. http://tfl.nu/vrgn
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"

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  (816): Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you" http://tfl.nu/hln2
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow

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  (704): I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow http://tfl.nu/jea1
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  (805): View more from California

  they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate

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  (805): they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate http://tfl.nu/r0av
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.

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  (970): Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month. http://tfl.nu/7dyi
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.

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  (248): New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people. http://tfl.nu/cghq
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out

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  (732): Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out http://tfl.nu/au0t
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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  (314): he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting" http://tfl.nu/dmjy
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.

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  (443): dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though. http://tfl.nu/36m5
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  (845): View more from New York

  The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.

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  (845): The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor. http://tfl.nu/klg7
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  (469): View more from Texas

  i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

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  (469): i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine... http://tfl.nu/msgo
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"

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  (410): I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis" http://tfl.nu/6z4n
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra

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  (512): I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra http://tfl.nu/ayn1
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  (917): View more from New York City

  you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar

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  (917): you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar http://tfl.nu/kodl
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

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  (910): so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch. http://tfl.nu/syjm
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.

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  (208): I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome. http://tfl.nu/laeb
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.

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  (715): I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win. http://tfl.nu/jyaa
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.

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  (641): Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout. http://tfl.nu/rilo
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  You are an asshole

  (574): View more from Indiana

  haha sleeping beauty awakes.

  (616): View more from Michigan

  Where did you find this costume?

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  (616): You are an asshole (574): haha sleeping beauty awakes. (616): Where did you find this costume? http://tfl.nu/m4ai
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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  (732): you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy." http://tfl.nu/a1we
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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  (630): all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed http://tfl.nu/xhsk
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

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  (540): he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride http://tfl.nu/4fyt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.

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  (215): I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk. http://tfl.nu/289e
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.

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  (732): I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final. http://tfl.nu/j44u
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  (516): View more from New York

  Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now

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  (516): Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now http://tfl.nu/8cl1
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  (914): View more from New York

  every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now

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  (914): every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now http://tfl.nu/173b
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"

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  (603): got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes" http://tfl.nu/m7wu
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

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  (843): I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again. http://tfl.nu/1qgn
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  Who?

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Chris brown

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  No way... I bet he was intense

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two

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  (248): You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to.. (1-248): Who? (248): Chris brown (1-248): No way... I bet he was intense (248): Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two http://tfl.nu/q7w2
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.

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  (703): Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it. http://tfl.nu/xw76
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.

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  (414): I want to frame my negative pregnancy test. http://tfl.nu/y335
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.

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  (407): Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast. http://tfl.nu/8b17
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  (786): View more from Florida

  He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way

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  (786): He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way http://tfl.nu/nq2f
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  (650): View more from California

  So is it bad that I'm using this 21 year old for his hot bod and utter naivety?

  (303): View more from Colorado

  No its what 21 year olds are made for

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  (650): So is it bad that I'm using this 21 year old for his hot bod and utter naivety? (303): No its what 21 year olds are made for http://tfl.nu/2f7c
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state

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  (847): Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state http://tfl.nu/3q3r
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.

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  (828): As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance. http://tfl.nu/tng6
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it

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  (773): I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it http://tfl.nu/9cts
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

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  (303): You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat. (1-303): ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent. http://tfl.nu/2smi
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  (916): View more from California

  He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants

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  (916): He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants http://tfl.nu/xfxv
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???

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  (770): Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives??? http://tfl.nu/8m9c
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers

  (1-205): View more from Alabama

  yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....

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  (205): woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers (1-205): yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness.... http://tfl.nu/wnn7
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  (559): View more from California

  So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

  (1-559): View more from California

  That depends on who this is.

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  (559): So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true? (1-559): That depends on who this is. http://tfl.nu/a6jm
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere

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  (201): As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere http://tfl.nu/2ys4
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him

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  (917): Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him http://tfl.nu/5c6r
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!

  (1-919): View more from North Carolina

  No. You're kidding.

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.

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  (919): OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto! (1-919): No. You're kidding. (919): I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth. http://tfl.nu/fp67
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  (917): View more from New York City

  this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in

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  (917): this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in http://tfl.nu/into
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.

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  (613): The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches. http://tfl.nu/uy09
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city

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  (204): some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city http://tfl.nu/k6ti
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life

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  (847): Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life http://tfl.nu/jn6o
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.

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  (847): I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night. http://tfl.nu/upkg
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.

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  (765): Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom. http://tfl.nu/gaio
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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  (248): You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened... http://tfl.nu/unry
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning

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  (503): He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning http://tfl.nu/4hjz
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun

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  (860): So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun http://tfl.nu/05t6
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.

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  (301): Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning. http://tfl.nu/0np0
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.

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  (479): I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle. http://tfl.nu/61o1
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  (813): View more from Florida

  so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw

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  (813): so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw http://tfl.nu/9zj1
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  (650): View more from California

  I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it

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  (650): I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it http://tfl.nu/nnzm
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.

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  (973): we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle. http://tfl.nu/il9h
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...

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  (812): Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people... http://tfl.nu/4gx3
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever

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  (231): Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever http://tfl.nu/plkd
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  (818): View more from California

  Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.

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  (818): Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful. http://tfl.nu/9blw
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.

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  (412): remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories. http://tfl.nu/emk4
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave

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  (339): When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave http://tfl.nu/n4gt
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico

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  (419): Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico http://tfl.nu/934w
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  (305): View more from Florida

  you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out

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  (305): you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out http://tfl.nu/dfjh
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.

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  (502): there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me. http://tfl.nu/l22j
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.

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  (828): Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying. http://tfl.nu/gcnz
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  (650): View more from California

  The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.

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  (650): The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life. http://tfl.nu/2quw
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.

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  (647): They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling. http://tfl.nu/0who
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.

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  (412): I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts. http://tfl.nu/rew4
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  (+47): View more from Norway

  I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian

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  (+47): I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian http://tfl.nu/2tom
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.

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  (248): Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism. http://tfl.nu/ywit
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.

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  (508): All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed. http://tfl.nu/eckq
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself

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  (913): I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself http://tfl.nu/n2u9
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day

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  (617): started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day http://tfl.nu/20xi
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.

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  (704): The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it. http://tfl.nu/e919
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  (415): View more from California

  It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.

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  (415): It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year. http://tfl.nu/fhgz
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  (607): View more from New York

  I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.

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  (607): I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever. http://tfl.nu/15o8
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.

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  (240): I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian. http://tfl.nu/grua
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  (518): View more from New York

  I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.

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  (518): I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire. http://tfl.nu/37qo
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  (713): View more from Texas

  when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed

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  (713): when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed http://tfl.nu/1ijl
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat

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  (214): I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat http://tfl.nu/a753
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.

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  (623): Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy. http://tfl.nu/cg4z
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.

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  (618): Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it. http://tfl.nu/arfl
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  (207): View more from Maine

  guess who has a date tonight

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed

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  (207): guess who has a date tonight (401): look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed http://tfl.nu/0667
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  (818): View more from California

  he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came

  (323): View more from California

  i love that song!

  (818): View more from California

  NOT THE POINT

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  (818): he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came (323): i love that song! (818): NOT THE POINT http://tfl.nu/7i6t
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.

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  (610): I faked it too. I just spit on your bed. http://tfl.nu/1pbs
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.

  (573): View more from Missouri

  Jealous.

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  (417): Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls. (573): Jealous. http://tfl.nu/6b8u
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier

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  (410): we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier http://tfl.nu/xjeu
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.

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  (910): He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn. http://tfl.nu/hrhg
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"

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  (720): There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!" http://tfl.nu/c7ck
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning

  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk

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  (662): Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning (780): I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk http://tfl.nu/o2k0
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  (386): View more from Florida

  i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena

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  (386): i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena http://tfl.nu/u4d0
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it

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  (704): see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it http://tfl.nu/o2df
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.

  (1-734): View more from Michigan

  Shittttttt.

  (734): View more from Michigan

  Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.

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  (734): I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy. (1-734): Shittttttt. (734): Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy. http://tfl.nu/htfb
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus

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  (218): No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus http://tfl.nu/il4r
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside

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  (501): there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside http://tfl.nu/1bna
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.

  (810): View more from Michigan

  You're 20.

  (734): View more from Michigan

  IT'S BUILD A BEAR!

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  (734): So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear. (810): You're 20. (734): IT'S BUILD A BEAR! http://tfl.nu/k2jt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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  (214): A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot. http://tfl.nu/a1lj
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  (916): View more from California

  I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"

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  (916): I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences" http://tfl.nu/bi6b
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.

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  (402): i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night. http://tfl.nu/91q5
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.

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  (443): He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep. http://tfl.nu/lshi
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase

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  (703): nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase http://tfl.nu/yg43
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister

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  (305): Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever (615): She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister http://tfl.nu/5zux
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  (408): View more from California

  When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.

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  (408): When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus. http://tfl.nu/kpmf
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

  (786): View more from Florida

  How high are you right now..

  (305): View more from Florida

  I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

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  (305): Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind. (786): How high are you right now.. (305): I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT. http://tfl.nu/q5i7
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.

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  (919): Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd. http://tfl.nu/5f3i
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  (631): View more from New York

  woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?

  (516): View more from New York

  you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."

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  (631): woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain? (516): you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food." http://tfl.nu/33sl
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?

  (720): View more from Colorado

  Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.

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  (303): You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher? (720): Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced. http://tfl.nu/qahj
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after

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  (508): Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after http://tfl.nu/akdp
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  Tell me the dirtiest joke you know

  (1-907): View more from Alaska

  Sarah Palin

  (907): View more from Alaska

  god, I love you

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  (907): Tell me the dirtiest joke you know (1-907): Sarah Palin (907): god, I love you http://tfl.nu/fmd4
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  (619): View more from California

  Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

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  (619): Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes. http://tfl.nu/4wgk
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  (214): View more from Texas

  dude. I'm so drunk.

  (972): View more from Texas

  pete, this is bryce's mom

  (214): View more from Texas

  I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

  (972): View more from Texas

  pete, this is still bryce's mom

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  (214): dude. I'm so drunk. (972): pete, this is bryce's mom (214): I can't wait to have my cock in your ass (972): pete, this is still bryce's mom http://tfl.nu/lat0
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

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  (405): Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything. http://tfl.nu/pmpx
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  I have two black x marks on my hands.

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

  (971): View more from Oregon

  damnit I wish I could remember that.

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  (971): I have two black x marks on my hands. (503): Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here' (971): damnit I wish I could remember that. http://tfl.nu/kz4a
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home

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  (416): Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home http://tfl.nu/32l0
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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  (314): On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you? http://tfl.nu/ocb5
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  (305): View more from Florida

  i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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  (305): i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer. http://tfl.nu/jibz
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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  (919): Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me". http://tfl.nu/jl9f
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.

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  (919): okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth. http://tfl.nu/6w2r
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.

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  (503): Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now. http://tfl.nu/gxcf
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  (707): View more from California

  I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever

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  (707): I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever http://tfl.nu/38jn
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  (631): View more from New York

  If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org

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  (631): If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org http://tfl.nu/anvp
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  (661): View more from California

  i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..

  (951): View more from California

  u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!

  (661): View more from California

  i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u

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  (661): i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break.. (951): u hav a 3 hour lunch break?! (661): i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u http://tfl.nu/1ary
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.

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  (847): i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house. (1-847): that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect. http://tfl.nu/7r4g
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?

  (330): View more from Ohio

  yes... and buy you lunch

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  (216): wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer? (330): yes... and buy you lunch http://tfl.nu/rnfb
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.

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  (812): I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos. http://tfl.nu/9xke
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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  (440): The ticket read "Found nude in a tree" http://tfl.nu/6rf6
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

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  (217): you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out http://tfl.nu/t2x9
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."

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  (412): I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people." http://tfl.nu/j747
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.

  (602): View more from Arizona

  Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?

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  (480): He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere. (602): Why would he say turtle mid-fuck? http://tfl.nu/okxi
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.

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  (618): So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in. http://tfl.nu/s63a
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  (760): View more from California

  so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

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  (760): so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost? http://tfl.nu/osjc
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  (438): View more from Quebec

  that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage

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  (438): that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage http://tfl.nu/1y6d
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once

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  (417): I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka (479): I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once http://tfl.nu/xq51
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.

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  (505): I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them. http://tfl.nu/0g2b
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye

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  (802): he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye http://tfl.nu/p3ay
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  (209): View more from California

  do you want me to make hamburgers?

  (541): View more from Oregon

  i'm vegan

  (209): View more from California

  i'll put lettuce on them

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  (209): do you want me to make hamburgers? (541): i'm vegan (209): i'll put lettuce on them http://tfl.nu/hb72
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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  (801): Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks. http://tfl.nu/8eyu
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?

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  (306): Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender? http://tfl.nu/l1y7
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  (845): View more from New York

  How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?

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  (845): How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old? http://tfl.nu/18lu
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

  (713): View more from Texas

  lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

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  (832): why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen? (713): lets deal with that after we figure out where i am http://tfl.nu/0phs
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  (+82): View more from

  I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.

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  (+82): I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes. http://tfl.nu/b0wk
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.

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  (902): Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it. http://tfl.nu/c874
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  (214): View more from Texas

  How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?

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  (214): How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus? http://tfl.nu/1khv
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.

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  (609): Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing. http://tfl.nu/en2f
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.

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  (847): I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note. http://tfl.nu/4rpl
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.

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  (781): Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him. http://tfl.nu/iiv7
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think

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  (317): Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think http://tfl.nu/kspc
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.

  (1-541): View more from Oregon

  Miracles do happen.

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  (541): I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now. (1-541): Miracles do happen. http://tfl.nu/zv9s
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  (914): View more from New York

  I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.

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  (914): I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever. http://tfl.nu/u669
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

  (316): View more from Kansas

  Toaster

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  (319): On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you? (316): Toaster http://tfl.nu/fbwm
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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  (703): How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist http://tfl.nu/hzre
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg

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  (423): my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg http://tfl.nu/cjr9
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not

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  (302): They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not http://tfl.nu/juyk
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  (360): View more from Washington

  he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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  (360): he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them http://tfl.nu/8aam
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.

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  (604): I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you. http://tfl.nu/twb2
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  (425): View more from Washington

  she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great

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  (425): she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great http://tfl.nu/nw44
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted

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  (267): so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted http://tfl.nu/13lv
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose

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  (404): look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose http://tfl.nu/df7a
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.

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  (604): Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating. http://tfl.nu/sjit
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."

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  (989): I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him." http://tfl.nu/yg5c
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  (214): View more from Texas

  i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  oh fuck your right

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  (214): i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can. (1-214): oh fuck your right http://tfl.nu/6rmf
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.

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  (404): Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon. http://tfl.nu/d58s
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.

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  (703): so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine. http://tfl.nu/s4y5
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.

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  (651): he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong. http://tfl.nu/ln52
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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  (636): A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it. http://tfl.nu/t9xf
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.

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  (+44): swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself. http://tfl.nu/6r98
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Dont! You were just serving you country

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  (770): So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now... (404): Dont! You were just serving you country http://tfl.nu/lcsl
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  (518): View more from New York

  She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.

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  (518): She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change. http://tfl.nu/rlg4
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.

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  (617): i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no. http://tfl.nu/n7ti
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.

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  (303): Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever. http://tfl.nu/ckan
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.

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  (704): Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some. http://tfl.nu/ntfp
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.

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  (204): Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this. http://tfl.nu/p44k
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.

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  (732): That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on. http://tfl.nu/n5bj
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  ...are you coming on to me?

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  (901): I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me. (601): Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly (901): ...are you coming on to me? http://tfl.nu/90vx
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls

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  (203): Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls http://tfl.nu/wu3r
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"

  (205): View more from Alabama

  pick me up NOW

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  (205): they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve" (205): pick me up NOW http://tfl.nu/weqr
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  (772): View more from Florida

  you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted

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  (772): you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted http://tfl.nu/vebg
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.

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  (720): You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive. http://tfl.nu/qvhh
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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  (508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation? (1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets. http://tfl.nu/hqfn
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  (631): View more from New York

  It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.

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  (631): It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom. http://tfl.nu/aix7
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.

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  (908): and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line. http://tfl.nu/n1fc
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  (619): View more from California

  The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.

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  (619): The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear. http://tfl.nu/8fu9
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet

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  (847): I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet http://tfl.nu/ttdp
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.

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  (801): He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face. http://tfl.nu/vz1o
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  (917): View more from New York City

  half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.

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  (917): half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country. http://tfl.nu/tafy
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  (858): View more from California

  I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.

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  (858): I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it. http://tfl.nu/e9ge
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  (914): View more from New York

  My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.

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  (914): My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control. http://tfl.nu/45m8
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later

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  (715): We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later http://tfl.nu/4xtv
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  (631): View more from New York

  My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.

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  (631): My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you. http://tfl.nu/4nkq
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.

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  (706): I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it. http://tfl.nu/ce8t
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.

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  (812): We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed. http://tfl.nu/r8jj
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.

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  (256): Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay. http://tfl.nu/5ucl
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.

  (1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

  You make your fellow Jews happy.

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  (412): I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more. (1-412): You make your fellow Jews happy. http://tfl.nu/gpio
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".

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  (801): He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied". http://tfl.nu/4up3
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  consequently i now know what mace tastes like

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  (402): consequently i now know what mace tastes like http://tfl.nu/a9b7
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.

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  (304): You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me. http://tfl.nu/fshf
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.

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  (404): No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it. http://tfl.nu/6j8m
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.

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  (443): BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup. http://tfl.nu/0lqk
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  (619): View more from California

  If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.

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  (619): If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library. http://tfl.nu/gs64
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

  (512): View more from Texas

  babe, don't say it like that!

  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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  (713): I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight. (512): babe, don't say it like that! (713): I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening. http://tfl.nu/iuma
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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  (413): I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic. http://tfl.nu/sxvb
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...

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  (205): The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country... http://tfl.nu/c11y
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home

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  (262): I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home http://tfl.nu/gzni
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I can't find my pants or my car

  (813): View more from Florida

  I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...

  (561): View more from Florida

  ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.

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  (813): I can't find my pants or my car (813): I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell... (561): ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal. http://tfl.nu/nq8v
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  (716): View more from New York

  fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans

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  (716): fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans http://tfl.nu/906w
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.

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  (610): No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends. http://tfl.nu/ox60
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  (972): View more from Texas

  like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys

  (214): View more from Texas

  I hope to god you are high

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  (972): like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys (214): I hope to god you are high http://tfl.nu/z79a
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger

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  (864): I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger http://tfl.nu/bdgv
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"

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  (217): You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket" http://tfl.nu/imu3
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.

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  (913): some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night. http://tfl.nu/2xhx
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position

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  (513): why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position http://tfl.nu/vjj2
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you

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  (317): so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you http://tfl.nu/m0v0
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  (619): View more from California

  you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog

  (716): View more from New York

  do you not see the irony in that??

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  (619): you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog (716): do you not see the irony in that?? http://tfl.nu/h8wi
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.

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  (206): Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking. http://tfl.nu/kuj0
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

  (1-973): View more from New Jersey

  Guess she heard her killer coming

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  (973): I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear. (1-973): Guess she heard her killer coming http://tfl.nu/u45m
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  (214): View more from Texas

  She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.

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  (214): She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister. http://tfl.nu/9ks8
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  (407): View more from Florida

  this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.

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  (407): this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god. http://tfl.nu/34d8
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

  (1-817): View more from Texas

  You weighed it?

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  (817): Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car? (1-817): You weighed it? http://tfl.nu/lai6
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  (845): View more from New York

  You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.

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  (845): You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you. http://tfl.nu/t7go
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.

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  (856): part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty. http://tfl.nu/jt5n
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

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  (256): Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade. http://tfl.nu/llb7
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  hows the party?

  (816): View more from Missouri

  ists fjcssing insceredle

  (913): View more from Kansas

  be there in 10

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  (913): hows the party? (816): ists fjcssing insceredle (913): be there in 10 http://tfl.nu/innz
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"

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  (208): this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin" http://tfl.nu/odvv
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...

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  (904): I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem... http://tfl.nu/1w4y
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.

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  (248): new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home. http://tfl.nu/dmz8
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.

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  (617): Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street. http://tfl.nu/miwy
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..

  (1-605): View more from South Dakota

  Both

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  (605): white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup.. (1-605): Both http://tfl.nu/cq4l
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill

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  (913): Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill http://tfl.nu/swr0
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.

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  (240): I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll. http://tfl.nu/r0xh
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.

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  (404): Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn. http://tfl.nu/mlpv
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick

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  (785): whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick http://tfl.nu/3xlh
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.

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  (416): He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high. http://tfl.nu/zw5l
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  (585): View more from New York

  ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried

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  (585): ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried http://tfl.nu/b5zu
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.

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  (513): Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch. http://tfl.nu/dpne
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five

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  (260): Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five http://tfl.nu/catf
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Why am I in a dog kennel?

  (1-803): View more from South Carolina

  It was for your own safety

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  (803): Why am I in a dog kennel? (1-803): It was for your own safety http://tfl.nu/w7ni
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.

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  (540): she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated. http://tfl.nu/qt45
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?

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  (616): whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name? http://tfl.nu/f6w0
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.

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  (630): I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building. http://tfl.nu/xm6j
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.

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  (541): woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue. http://tfl.nu/skao
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM

  (416): View more from Toronto

  From?

  (647): View more from Ontario

  Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...

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  (647): It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM (416): From? (647): Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table... http://tfl.nu/hv77
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.

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  (719): I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me. http://tfl.nu/o08k
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.

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  (847): You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive. http://tfl.nu/z8kz
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I'm watching ellen!

  (1-615): View more from Tennessee

  just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show

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  (615): I'm watching ellen! (1-615): just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show http://tfl.nu/chlu
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  (518): View more from New York

  you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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  (518): you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!" http://tfl.nu/jby7
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  (949): View more from California

  you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.

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  (949): you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano. http://tfl.nu/kwsa
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

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  (317): and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way http://tfl.nu/pn6a
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.

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  (216): Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened. http://tfl.nu/9qga
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  (516): View more from New York

  Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.

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  (516): Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door. http://tfl.nu/5od7
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  (661): View more from California

  I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.

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  (661): I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special. http://tfl.nu/zosx
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.

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  (604): I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks. http://tfl.nu/kxma
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.

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  (713): I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat. http://tfl.nu/0mmi
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  (530): View more from California

  the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo

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  (530): the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo http://tfl.nu/dqpo
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

  (1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

  bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  This is sufficient.

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  (412): Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living (1-412): bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug (412): This is sufficient. http://tfl.nu/p15m
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  fair is fair

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  (610): we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it (484): fair is fair http://tfl.nu/tm5x
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.

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  (615): The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face. http://tfl.nu/dqag
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.

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  (416): Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck. http://tfl.nu/lba2
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica

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  (860): Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica http://tfl.nu/womi
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  (845): View more from New York

  I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.

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  (845): I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet. http://tfl.nu/36t1
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  (512): View more from Texas

  i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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  (512): i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT. http://tfl.nu/zq8a
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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  (847): so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration". http://tfl.nu/m5rh
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Tie

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  (201): I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet (908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building (201): Tie http://tfl.nu/a5wy
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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  (717): hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands http://tfl.nu/c6ww
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  the red head has a bf

  (1-843): View more from South Carolina

  just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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  (843): the red head has a bf (1-843): just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score http://tfl.nu/bdta
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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  (404): i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ". http://tfl.nu/tf5y
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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  (401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am? http://tfl.nu/ppdn
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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  (203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter. http://tfl.nu/8kyg
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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  (541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests http://tfl.nu/dcsh
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  (325): View more from Texas

  wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"

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  (325): wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah" http://tfl.nu/d8s5
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  (212): View more from New York

  i want you now

  (916): View more from California

  you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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  (212): i want you now (916): you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this http://tfl.nu/8egt
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  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.

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  (+64): Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys. http://tfl.nu/k7wg
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer

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  (502): I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer http://tfl.nu/cllh
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

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  (704): One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+ http://tfl.nu/62eq
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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  (410): Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA! http://tfl.nu/7pku
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I'm fucking your sister right now.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  You motherfucker

  (813): View more from Florida

  She's next.

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  (813): I'm fucking your sister right now. (1-813): You motherfucker (813): She's next. http://tfl.nu/gaup
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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  (219): rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them http://tfl.nu/zf3d
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?

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  (720): My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this? http://tfl.nu/za6z
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second

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  (740): it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second http://tfl.nu/z13t
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?

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  (828): Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom? http://tfl.nu/y1hl
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.

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  (732): I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there. http://tfl.nu/dxiw
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.

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  (301): the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner. http://tfl.nu/49va
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."

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  (301): let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child." http://tfl.nu/sqg2
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  (904): View more from Florida

  bring the vodka.

  (1-904): View more from Florida

  i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

  (904): View more from Florida

  we are.

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  (904): bring the vodka. (1-904): i thought we were going to mcdonalds..? (904): we are. http://tfl.nu/1144
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.

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  (612): i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited. http://tfl.nu/7k6j
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  (415): View more from California

  She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.

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  (415): She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver. http://tfl.nu/1xbw
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  FUCK YOU.

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  (614): Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours... (1-614): FUCK YOU. http://tfl.nu/d4zw
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.

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  (414): and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you. http://tfl.nu/lmfo
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?

  (703): View more from Virginia

  I don't even know what potassium is.

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  (571): You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember? (703): I don't even know what potassium is. http://tfl.nu/wfp6
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I just saw the nastiest chick.

  (1-603): View more from New Hampshire

  Where?

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you

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  (603): I just saw the nastiest chick. (1-603): Where? (603): woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you http://tfl.nu/hbsk
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  I'm not sure what to say to that.

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  (614): I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC. (1-614): I'm not sure what to say to that. http://tfl.nu/ot0k
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning

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  (586): i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning http://tfl.nu/zcz6
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?

  (216): View more from Ohio

  ... about that ...

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  (440): thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok? (216): ... about that ... http://tfl.nu/8foz
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno

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  (908): he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno http://tfl.nu/p79f
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married

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  (423): today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married http://tfl.nu/xv8o
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.

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  (870): Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine. http://tfl.nu/j38c
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  (607): View more from New York

  How was dinner with ur grandparents?

  (1-607): View more from New York

  I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."

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  (607): How was dinner with ur grandparents? (1-607) I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana." http://tfl.nu/9nup
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.

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  (201): she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator. http://tfl.nu/ju6d
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?

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  (704): We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You? http://tfl.nu/j4cx
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock

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  (609): Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock http://tfl.nu/dnop
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.

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  (610): The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices. http://tfl.nu/tdjd
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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  (905): I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now. http://tfl.nu/wxpj
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.

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  (205): Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi. http://tfl.nu/x4zy
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.

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  (504): I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna. http://tfl.nu/vetf
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis

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  (970): I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis http://tfl.nu/924d
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.

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  (724): This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text. http://tfl.nu/bfqf
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"

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  (908): My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger" http://tfl.nu/twr9
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.

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  (843): I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's. http://tfl.nu/1kcz
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  (512): View more from Texas

  3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear

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  (512) 3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear http://tfl.nu/ahne
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.

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  (281): Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit. http://tfl.nu/j2fi
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  (305): View more from Florida

  so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator

  (954): View more from Florida

  you didnt stop her?

  (305): View more from Florida

  too entertaining

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  (305): so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator (954): you didnt stop her? (305): too entertaining http://tfl.nu/7hz6
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.

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  (609): No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear. http://tfl.nu/h1fn
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.

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  (702): So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college. http://tfl.nu/456d
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  (209): View more from California

  what is college for if not random hookup sex?

  (951): View more from California

  learning.

  (209): View more from California

  i would literally fuck learning if i could.

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  (209): what is college for if not random hookup sex? (951): learning. (209): i would literally fuck learning if i could. http://tfl.nu/3rtk
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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  (410): so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero http://tfl.nu/4z5t
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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  (570): why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds? (1-570): you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911 http://tfl.nu/vzb8
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

  (443): View more from Maryland

  wasted?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  im pocohantasssss

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  (410): can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd (443): wasted? (410): im pocohantasssss http://tfl.nu/gql6
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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  (857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable. http://tfl.nu/zho9
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south

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  (540): just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south http://tfl.nu/fqw1
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

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  (970): I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises. http://tfl.nu/lren
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  (406): View more from Montana

  my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

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  (406): my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute http://tfl.nu/00es
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"

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  (414): You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!" http://tfl.nu/0oge
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  are you high?

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  (402): what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers (1-402): are you high? http://tfl.nu/fjf1
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone

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  (480): You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone http://tfl.nu/wd7b
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7

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  (419): Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7 http://tfl.nu/z3hr
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?

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  (262): Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat? http://tfl.nu/beg4
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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  (612): You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast. http://tfl.nu/3zo3
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  (124): View more from

  Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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  (124): Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all. http://tfl.nu/q25u
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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  (484): Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud. http://tfl.nu/xhdj
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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  (802): OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made. http://tfl.nu/87yq
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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  (443): I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart http://tfl.nu/al7w
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.

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  (970): Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today. http://tfl.nu/sid7
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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  (720): o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket http://tfl.nu/nqxt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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  (215): The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room. http://tfl.nu/3nsa
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.

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  (250): even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real. http://tfl.nu/de62
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  (408): View more from California

  Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.

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  (408): Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis. http://tfl.nu/4cqk
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.

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  (336): i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets. http://tfl.nu/gfq6
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US

  (703): View more from Virginia

  It's the American dream

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  (202): On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US (703): It's the American dream http://tfl.nu/z0hb
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?

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  (440): dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top? http://tfl.nu/cai4
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds

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  (860): And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds http://tfl.nu/xs1z
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  (845): View more from New York

  just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.

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  (845): just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever. http://tfl.nu/d1ay
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.

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  (+44): the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men. http://tfl.nu/tbrv
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  (949): View more from California

  Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way

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  (949): Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way http://tfl.nu/t96w
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.

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  (201): Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself. http://tfl.nu/3rwg
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".

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  (989): no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed". http://tfl.nu/dmqo
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"

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  (404): Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis" http://tfl.nu/144a
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  A simple 'no' would have sufficed

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  (614): The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls. (610): A simple 'no' would have sufficed http://tfl.nu/eyzn
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.

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  (781): So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger. (603): Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat. http://tfl.nu/6067
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?

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  (512): Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over? http://tfl.nu/e898
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  (914): View more from New York

  last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.

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  (914): last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever. http://tfl.nu/26l9
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"

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  (614): Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge" http://tfl.nu/439j
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes

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  (519): dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes http://tfl.nu/xjd2
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement

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  (973): so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement http://tfl.nu/oky4
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Experience is the best teacher

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  (810): You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish (248): Experience is the best teacher http://tfl.nu/l23g
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!

  (1-314): View more from Missouri

  What?

  (314): View more from Missouri

  I have a yeast infection.

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  (314): I'm bakin' bread in my pussy! (1-314): What? (314): I have a yeast infection. http://tfl.nu/o2ns
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight

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  (501): instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight http://tfl.nu/gwkf
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went

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  (443): you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went http://tfl.nu/2n24
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!

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  (917): I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done! http://tfl.nu/5vwu
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  (310): View more from California

  YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!

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  (310): YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??! http://tfl.nu/ltdu
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.

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  (501): thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control. http://tfl.nu/7f4i
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.

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  (610): C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues. http://tfl.nu/dcql
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  he's my edward cullen

  (770): View more from Georgia

  I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.

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  (202): he's my edward cullen (770): I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow. http://tfl.nu/ql06
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.

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  (334): Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies. http://tfl.nu/fldh
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  (212): View more from New York

  I'm drive I can fine osifer

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  (212): I'm drive I can fine osifer http://tfl.nu/zjuj
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal

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  (773): Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal http://tfl.nu/usjw
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience

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  (302): dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience http://tfl.nu/d1lz
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.

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  (608): We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother. http://tfl.nu/gjr6
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night

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  (603): i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening (508): yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night http://tfl.nu/fae5
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.

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  (660): i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again. http://tfl.nu/1pik
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.

  (513): View more from Ohio

  She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.

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  (513): Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen. (1-513): She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do. (513): She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses. http://tfl.nu/52u6
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  (707): View more from California

  Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.

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  (707): Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman. http://tfl.nu/1yjg
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like

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  (302): I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like http://tfl.nu/tmn6
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.

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  (224): Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable. http://tfl.nu/uirm
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.

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  (313): i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small. http://tfl.nu/i072
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  (855): View more from

  somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs

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  (855): somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs http://tfl.nu/4p1d
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".

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  (330): Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay". http://tfl.nu/1f7s
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me

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  (952): Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me http://tfl.nu/evhv
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?

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  (802): and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina? http://tfl.nu/mzx1
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...

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  (918): Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic... http://tfl.nu/yey5
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

  (850): View more from Florida

  I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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  (850): Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave? (850): I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife http://tfl.nu/5iik
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass

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  (630): his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass http://tfl.nu/ujep
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding

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  (443): You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding http://tfl.nu/vxqr
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever

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  (843): you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever http://tfl.nu/z6zx
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.

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  (843): there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done. http://tfl.nu/q1zr
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.

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  (813): Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear. http://tfl.nu/hyjr
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.

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  (908): I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool. http://tfl.nu/5y98
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.

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  (248): Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace. http://tfl.nu/fcle
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M

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  (954): I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M http://tfl.nu/v1d0
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?

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  (608): do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life? http://tfl.nu/au0e
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were

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  (503): Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were http://tfl.nu/3ofv
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  (858): View more from California

  I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.

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  (858): I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way. http://tfl.nu/w85x
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..

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  (816): this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live.. http://tfl.nu/uh98
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  (631): View more from New York

  I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.

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  (631): I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form. http://tfl.nu/sx5m
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.

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  (440): We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls. http://tfl.nu/q9cr
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...

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  (248): i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times... http://tfl.nu/ibyk
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.

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  (269): I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck. http://tfl.nu/534s
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.

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  (719): Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now. http://tfl.nu/m6w8
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  (813): View more from Florida

  We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.

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  (813): We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response. http://tfl.nu/3ka8
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.

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  (847): She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night. http://tfl.nu/sdtr
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"

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  (901): I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?" http://tfl.nu/efd9
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ

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  (503): jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ http://tfl.nu/lpdd
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  (607): View more from New York

  Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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  (607): Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day. http://tfl.nu/b0xj
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.

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  (804): my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it. http://tfl.nu/l9cy
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I puked a lego.

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  (603): I puked a lego. http://tfl.nu/7r9h
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.

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  (416): when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast. http://tfl.nu/itb7
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  You love popeyes more than me

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?

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  (402): You love popeyes more than me (1-402): does delicious chicken come out of your vagina? http://tfl.nu/hcyr
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay

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  (937): I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay http://tfl.nu/llvu
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.

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  (970): If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car. http://tfl.nu/glcf
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"

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  (401): So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection" http://tfl.nu/al1v
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole

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  (615): my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole http://tfl.nu/xvf4
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa

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  (401): Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa http://tfl.nu/h6ux
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  love how google fills in search terms for you, today for example, i ran a query for "why do girls get t"

  (586): View more from Michigan

  and google finished it w/ "ramp stamps."

  (586): View more from Michigan

  I felt less weird knowing others had searched this before me.

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  (586): love how google fills in search terms for you, today for example, i ran a query for "why do girls get t" (586): and google finished it w/ "ramp stamps." (586): I felt less weird knowing others had searched this before me. http://tfl.nu/cqw0
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.

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  (978): We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted. http://tfl.nu/sak4
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor

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  (541): And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor http://tfl.nu/0k04
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy

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  (720): When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy http://tfl.nu/04on
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...

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  (712): She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow... http://tfl.nu/48nf
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.

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  (847): the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker. http://tfl.nu/4drl
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired

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  (902): I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired http://tfl.nu/suui
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously

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  (770): That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously http://tfl.nu/fxay
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?

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  (419): Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat? http://tfl.nu/dmug
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.

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  (609): One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em. http://tfl.nu/70jy
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.

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  (204): I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis. http://tfl.nu/t0tt
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  (+49): View more from Germany

  This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.

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  (+49): This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood. http://tfl.nu/u9vs
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  (845): View more from New York

  my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe

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  (845): my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe http://tfl.nu/yy5r
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.

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  (678): Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember. http://tfl.nu/s3lo
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  (914): View more from New York

  What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?

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  (914): What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"? http://tfl.nu/mnqg
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense

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  (703): I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense http://tfl.nu/aaqg
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?

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  (901): How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games? http://tfl.nu/94zu
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas

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  (512): Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas http://tfl.nu/5abk
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  (209): View more from California

  Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."

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  (209): Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me." http://tfl.nu/89qv
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"

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  (973): My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items" (973): That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic" http://tfl.nu/yk9d
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."

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  (318): He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later." http://tfl.nu/4lz3
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.

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  (902): I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night. http://tfl.nu/vppz
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.

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  (314): He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life. http://tfl.nu/k4q7
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  (727): View more from Florida

  just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer

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  (727): just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer http://tfl.nu/wsrg
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.

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  (706): Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate. http://tfl.nu/5lpe
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.

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  (847): Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport? (1-847): It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok. http://tfl.nu/wou3
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over

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  (740): He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over http://tfl.nu/br0o
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people

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  (217): Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people http://tfl.nu/d4g4
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.

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  (918): My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost. http://tfl.nu/50uv
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..

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  (248): She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls.. http://tfl.nu/aren
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger

  (708): View more from Illinois

  You are the reason we need health care reform

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  (773): When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger (708): You are the reason we need health care reform http://tfl.nu/m8x5
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  (760): View more from California

  For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".

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  (760): For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad". http://tfl.nu/gpn1
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  (817): View more from Texas

  She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.

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  (817): She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up. http://tfl.nu/2rkk
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...

  (443): View more from Maryland

  that's spring break in florida for ya

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  (301): seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything... (443): that's spring break in florida for ya http://tfl.nu/f4zu
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.

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  (602): Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue. http://tfl.nu/w4nd
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.

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  (815): I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off. http://tfl.nu/09ia
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.

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  (484): In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas. http://tfl.nu/7vr2
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  (903): View more from Texas

  she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness

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  (903): she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness http://tfl.nu/pvnd
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  (916): View more from California

  Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?

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  (916): Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party? http://tfl.nu/ft10
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.

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  (678): Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college. http://tfl.nu/311k
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.

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  (519): So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok. http://tfl.nu/j1n1
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.

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  (908): fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off. http://tfl.nu/8rwr
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?

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  (215): what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop? http://tfl.nu/1iue
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...

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  (910): the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine... http://tfl.nu/onh4
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  (253): View more from Washington

  I'm going to rape someone's good day.

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  (253): I'm going to rape someone's good day. http://tfl.nu/to10
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it

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  (443): you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it http://tfl.nu/4e12
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.

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  (507): So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game. http://tfl.nu/nypl
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.

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  (703): He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet. http://tfl.nu/muj7
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.

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  (307): i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian. http://tfl.nu/fuqa
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up

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  (647): I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up http://tfl.nu/4ijk
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny

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  (978): it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny http://tfl.nu/hpxx
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.

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  (586): so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way. http://tfl.nu/j3jb
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  ok i said sorry. what else do you want?

  (740): View more from Ohio

  100 blowjobs

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  (216): ok i said sorry. what else do you want? (740): 100 blowjobs http://tfl.nu/an0u
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  (845): View more from New York

  im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to

  (1-845): View more from New York

  i wanted you to too

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  (845): im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to (1-845): i wanted you to too http://tfl.nu/498i
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I painted my nails silver

  (586): View more from Michigan

  And what are the implications of that?

  (313): View more from Michigan

  Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien

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  (313): I painted my nails silver (586): And what are the implications of that? (313): Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien http://tfl.nu/iy32
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.

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  (330): Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy. http://tfl.nu/mi86
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?

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  (541): you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me? http://tfl.nu/hd4u
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  (546): View more from

  Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.

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  (546): Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money. http://tfl.nu/o990
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.

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  (479): This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy. http://tfl.nu/jw79
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.

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  (501): i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is. http://tfl.nu/pdzt
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face

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  (856): my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face http://tfl.nu/f36p
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  (509): View more from Washington

  I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics

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  (509): I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics http://tfl.nu/1cmu
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.

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  (425): Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away. http://tfl.nu/ldh5
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"

  (905): View more from Ontario

  And sadly I did.

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  (905): They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?" (905): And sadly I did. http://tfl.nu/9e0f
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?

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  (203): walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something? http://tfl.nu/j190
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.

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  (508): I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave. http://tfl.nu/zhay
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.

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  (443): Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable. http://tfl.nu/quma
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...

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  (425): I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results... http://tfl.nu/tn0b
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.

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  (314): There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign. http://tfl.nu/jmkr
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night

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  (416): the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night http://tfl.nu/0qnk
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?

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  (407): I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!? http://tfl.nu/85fy
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  (904): View more from Florida

  The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.

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  (904): The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him. http://tfl.nu/fka6
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  (310): View more from California

  as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'

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  (310): as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!' http://tfl.nu/csk1
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  (845): View more from New York

  Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.

  (716): View more from New York

  gotta love spring break

  (845): View more from New York

  gotta love slutty girls from the south

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  (845): Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy. (716): gotta love spring break (845): gotta love slutty girls from the south http://tfl.nu/ze0i
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.

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  (301): he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself. http://tfl.nu/68qu
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.

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  (636): So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned. http://tfl.nu/elt7
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex

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  (202): the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex http://tfl.nu/fw26
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.

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  (905): She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was. http://tfl.nu/uuuj
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.

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  (816): Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower. http://tfl.nu/cq6t
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?

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  (651): Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup? http://tfl.nu/4ljj
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.

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  (703): We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along. http://tfl.nu/ex0g
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  (305): View more from Florida

  If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining

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  (305): If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining http://tfl.nu/lz11
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  (310): View more from California

  my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook

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  (310): my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook http://tfl.nu/wl7n
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.

  (1-256): View more from Alabama

  That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.

  (256): View more from Alabama

  Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.

  (1-256): View more from Alabama

  Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.

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  (256): You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass. (1-256): That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years. (256): Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that. (1-256): Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham. http://tfl.nu/egwd
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  (253): View more from Washington

  DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?

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  (253): DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge? http://tfl.nu/bwm6
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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  (301): i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test http://tfl.nu/616n
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.

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  (781): I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation. http://tfl.nu/r77c
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.

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  (404): If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs. http://tfl.nu/yiw2
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."

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  (401): We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this." http://tfl.nu/1p18
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.

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  (606): how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked. http://tfl.nu/j1kr
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.

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  (773): well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it. http://tfl.nu/vp9s
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.

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  (832): So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party. http://tfl.nu/a5ld
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed

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  (604): his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed http://tfl.nu/zsvf
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.

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  (919): i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me. http://tfl.nu/ilti
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?

  (636): View more from Missouri

  anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence

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  (702): Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls? (636): anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence http://tfl.nu/1u56
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  (925): View more from California

  While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."

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  (925): While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me." http://tfl.nu/vnft
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila

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  (508): Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila http://tfl.nu/42fz
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you

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  (412): She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you http://tfl.nu/82k6
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  (512): View more from Texas

  turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce

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  (512): turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce http://tfl.nu/v1jk
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.

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  (541): You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were. http://tfl.nu/i5vx
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.

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  (832): The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went. http://tfl.nu/fpvf
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.

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  (602): When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself. http://tfl.nu/8ts9
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  (646): View more from New York

  How are you going to be there by 9am?

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Relax I always go to these conferences hung over

  (646): View more from New York

  You say that like it's a positive quality

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  (646): How are you going to be there by 9am? (919): Relax I always go to these conferences hung over (646): You say that like it's a positive quality http://tfl.nu/xfjl
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  (936): View more from Texas

  Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.

  (1-936): View more from Texas

  Can I eat your pillow?

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  (936): Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow. (1-936): Can I eat your pillow? http://tfl.nu/ozwu
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people

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  (203): I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people http://tfl.nu/t9vq
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  (512): View more from Texas

  The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?

  (319): View more from Iowa

  Yes. For all mankind please do.

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  (512): The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her? (319): Yes. For all mankind please do. http://tfl.nu/4jly
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.

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  (815): Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are. http://tfl.nu/ve28
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say

  (1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

  tell him to stop quoting family guy

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  (412): omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say (1-412): tell him to stop quoting family guy http://tfl.nu/1hbe
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.

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  (314): screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all. http://tfl.nu/filb
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  (408): View more from California

  I think I just got seasick

  (409): View more from Texas

  you're not on a boat

  (408): View more from California

  he has a waterbed.

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  (408): I think I just got seasick (409): you're not on a boat (408): he has a waterbed. http://tfl.nu/239c
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  (806): View more from Texas

  a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work

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  (806): a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work http://tfl.nu/5pwl
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?

  (815): View more from Illinois

  that's gum

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  (630): is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years? (815): that's gum http://tfl.nu/8le7
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?

  (1-515): View more from Iowa

  Eco-friendly.

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  (515): I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly? (1-515): Eco-friendly. http://tfl.nu/yssm
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.

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  (410): He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go. http://tfl.nu/s9bl
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  (512): View more from Texas

  watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos

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  (512): watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos http://tfl.nu/z3bc
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  (310): View more from California

  based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment

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  (310): based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment http://tfl.nu/srdh
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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  (214): Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever. http://tfl.nu/p67s
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  (510): View more from California

  he said he didn't have a condom.

  (415): View more from California

  and you said?

  (510): View more from California

  that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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  (510): he said he didn't have a condom. (415): and you said? (510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that. http://tfl.nu/4u76
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  (909): View more from California

  I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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  (909): I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him http://tfl.nu/axwb
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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  (919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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  (703): Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more http://tfl.nu/zuqw
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures

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  (304): Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures http://tfl.nu/pect
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  (310): View more from California

  So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.

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  (310): So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he. http://tfl.nu/52vb
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.

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  (708): so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me. http://tfl.nu/mwnt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  and I must say, you were very persuasive

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  (303): you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight. (303): and I must say, you were very persuasive http://tfl.nu/e18p
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  (425): View more from Washington

  It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

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  (425): It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo." http://tfl.nu/u5wa
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.

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  (781): today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby. http://tfl.nu/f0c2
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  (425): View more from Washington

  you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

  (206): View more from Washington

  youre the best friend ever

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  (425): you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it (206): youre the best friend ever http://tfl.nu/6oyc
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

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  (339): i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall http://tfl.nu/8iwm
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

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  (267): He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever. http://tfl.nu/526w
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  (917): View more from New York City

  im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out

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  (917): im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out http://tfl.nu/fsk9
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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  (215): My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.." http://tfl.nu/yyzh
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  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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  (401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.

  (1-210): View more from Texas

  I love milkshakes.

  (210): View more from Texas

  Not the point.

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  (210): I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat. (1-210): I love milkshakes. (210): Not the point. http://tfl.nu/tb5t
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.

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  (808): Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high. http://tfl.nu/emp7
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle

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  (416): that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle http://tfl.nu/ax2q
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.

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  (+44): how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it. http://tfl.nu/3ndz
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  (956): View more from Texas

  is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?

  (210): View more from Texas

  no

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  (956): is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge? (210): no http://tfl.nu/pkgs
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!

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  (712): My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN! http://tfl.nu/er39
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.

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  (214): I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed. http://tfl.nu/5k49
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?

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  (406): Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack... (303): Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c? http://tfl.nu/og73
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.

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  (312): dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it. http://tfl.nu/1896
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.

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  (401): What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy. http://tfl.nu/6xxv
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  (713): View more from Texas

  this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy

  (1-713): View more from Texas

  well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"

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  (713): this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy (1-713): well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE" http://tfl.nu/3bep
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number

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  (709): I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number http://tfl.nu/l21z
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.

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  (703): just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress. http://tfl.nu/rj37
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..

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  (734): i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth.. http://tfl.nu/wfim
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  (760): View more from California

  so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.

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  (760): so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig. http://tfl.nu/u35s
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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  (604): She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking. http://tfl.nu/ilmx
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  (813): View more from Florida

  So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?

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  (813): So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell? http://tfl.nu/9wrt
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  (516): View more from New York

  i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.

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  (516): i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok. http://tfl.nu/l3f8
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"

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  (864): U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating" http://tfl.nu/kntp
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.

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  (517): Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early. http://tfl.nu/8f7a
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.

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  (727): I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake. http://tfl.nu/tfkj
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  (917): View more from New York City

  did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?

  (914): View more from New York

  you mean faeutihaers?

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  (917): did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night? (914): you mean faeutihaers? http://tfl.nu/mcba
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  (650): View more from California

  they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.

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  (650): they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids. http://tfl.nu/zjz8
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"

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  (515): I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that" http://tfl.nu/9edj
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.

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  (724): I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet. http://tfl.nu/hq1s
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.

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  (973): All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell. http://tfl.nu/wlva
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  (813): View more from Florida

  He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL

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  (813): He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL http://tfl.nu/4831
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well

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  (401): its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well http://tfl.nu/qkzl
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"

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  (704): she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out" http://tfl.nu/fktd
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  i told you not to try chat roulette

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  (248): it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world (1-248): i told you not to try chat roulette http://tfl.nu/80bv
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.

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  (330): you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there. http://tfl.nu/1912
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.

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  (440): So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles. http://tfl.nu/gk4i
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.

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  (401): You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you. http://tfl.nu/6q4j
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you

  (1-804): View more from Virginia

  couldn't find a condom?

  (804): View more from Virginia

  basically

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  (804): don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you (1-804): couldn't find a condom? (804): basically http://tfl.nu/rfmp
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.

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  (815): I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed. http://tfl.nu/hsgt
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  (561): View more from Florida

  I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in

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  (561): I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in http://tfl.nu/qgu1
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.

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  (308): I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose. http://tfl.nu/x4bb
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.

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  (414): Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her. http://tfl.nu/4z7e
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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  (727): I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there? http://tfl.nu/2pix
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone

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  (601): i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone http://tfl.nu/50pu
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.

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  (847): Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free. http://tfl.nu/2six
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?

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  (330): this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants? http://tfl.nu/rwj9
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  how high are you?

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  (336): do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos? (828): how high are you? http://tfl.nu/9z76
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.

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  (847): you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life. http://tfl.nu/71wd
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  (845): View more from New York

  Stop trying to talk to my friends!!

  (1-845): View more from New York

  then get some ugly ones...

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  (845): Stop trying to talk to my friends!! (1-845): then get some ugly ones... http://tfl.nu/5xvc
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was

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  (720): I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was http://tfl.nu/iq7q
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  (323): View more from California

  I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?

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  (323): I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes? http://tfl.nu/rey6
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed

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  (303): i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed http://tfl.nu/xgm0
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes

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  (316): i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes http://tfl.nu/q5w9
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...

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  (519): I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling... http://tfl.nu/p0v8
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.

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  (610): I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families (570): That statement alone makes me laugh so hard. http://tfl.nu/jdb3
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  (985): View more from Louisiana

  He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"

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  (985): He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it" http://tfl.nu/q1ud
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  You know how to spell recollection?

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  (724): You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there (412): You know how to spell recollection? http://tfl.nu/3vjh
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.

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  (413): I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3. http://tfl.nu/k38v
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  (+65): View more from

  He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?

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  (+65): He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay? http://tfl.nu/afe2
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  (813): View more from Florida

  How am I a tease?

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.

  (813): View more from Florida

  ONLY PART OF IT.

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  (813): How am I a tease? (1-813): Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away. (813): ONLY PART OF IT. http://tfl.nu/b7xa
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?

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  (847): Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden? http://tfl.nu/x4ab
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"

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  (978): please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker" http://tfl.nu/kgaf
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?

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  (617): I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks? http://tfl.nu/26q7
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way

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  (905): gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way http://tfl.nu/08qt
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.

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  (765): There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break. http://tfl.nu/iu19
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."

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  (480): So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..." http://tfl.nu/pg8j
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  (415): View more from California

  The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?

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  (415): The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish? http://tfl.nu/s0dr
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  (209): View more from California

  You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.

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  (209): You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed. http://tfl.nu/9lg8
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.

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  (610): it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me. http://tfl.nu/3ypx
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.

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  (920): Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out. http://tfl.nu/bwpe
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  You love me.

  (785): View more from Kansas

  That's because, tragically, I adore whores.

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  (316): You love me. (785): That's because, tragically, I adore whores. http://tfl.nu/7eph
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.

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  (641): Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that. http://tfl.nu/2jzp
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

  (1-440): View more from Ohio

  please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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  (440): I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee (1-440): please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation http://tfl.nu/gydk
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.

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  (606): I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified. http://tfl.nu/k6t4
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.

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  (781): I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece. http://tfl.nu/l6if
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  (951): View more from California

  So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.

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  (951): So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked. http://tfl.nu/qprr
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later

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  (706): Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later http://tfl.nu/a02r
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.

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  (702): explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now. http://tfl.nu/gc18
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  (562): View more from California

  even your uterus rejects him.

  (1-562): View more from California

  apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.

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  (562): even your uterus rejects him. (1-562): apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body. http://tfl.nu/g0cm
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it

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  (603): Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it http://tfl.nu/mjt1
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