Texts From Last Night

Last Night in New Zealand (+64)

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  You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.

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  (+64): You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus. http://tfl.nu/u2un
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  the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life

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  (+64): the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life http://tfl.nu/95hw
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  If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.

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  (+64): If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help. http://tfl.nu/n5gu
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  Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.

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  (+64): Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed. http://tfl.nu/dscf
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  I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent

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  (+64): I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent http://tfl.nu/sl7e
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  He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.

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  (+64): He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic. http://tfl.nu/imyn
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  Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.

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  (+64): Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please. http://tfl.nu/o748
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  Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.

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  (+64): Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed. http://tfl.nu/5kj1
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  was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??

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  (+64): was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ?? http://tfl.nu/6vfo
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  He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!

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  (+64): He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?! http://tfl.nu/rdvw
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  I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..

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  (+64): I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom.. http://tfl.nu/wie2
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  The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.

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  (+64): The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care. http://tfl.nu/n9x9
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  The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.

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  (+64): The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me. http://tfl.nu/8v6d
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  Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.

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  (+64): Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking. http://tfl.nu/52no
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  If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine

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  (+64): If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine http://tfl.nu/9dun
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