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I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
This is the high leading the old right now
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
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