Texts From Last Night · RiotxBaby's Favorites

RiotxBaby's Favorites Texts:

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(801): View more from Utah

Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you

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(561): View more from Florida

She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.

(315): View more from New York

How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??

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(562): View more from California

We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(509): View more from Washington

The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.

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(303): View more from Colorado

He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.

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(360): View more from Washington

I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(605): View more from South Dakota

Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.

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(805): View more from California

OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.

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(904): View more from Florida

Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.

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(850): View more from Florida

If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.

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(925): View more from California

What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party

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(419): View more from Ohio

He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.

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(206): View more from Washington

I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.

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(765): View more from Indiana

The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.

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(44): View more from United Kingdom

You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.

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(410): View more from Maryland

She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.

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(631): View more from New York

Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital

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(360): View more from Washington

I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"

(425): View more from Washington

I want to be you.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw

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(440): View more from Ohio

Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...

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(243): View more from

We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.

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(314): View more from Missouri

New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?

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(540): View more from Virginia

I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?

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(+61): View more from Australia

he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms

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(631): View more from New York

I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"

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(336): View more from North Carolina

The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.

(910): View more from North Carolina

My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Five things that make you perfect. Go.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.

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(785): View more from Kansas

She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.

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(562): View more from California

Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?

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(480): View more from Arizona

Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."

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(480): View more from Arizona

My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".

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(310): View more from California

my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.

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(646): View more from New York

Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."

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(415): View more from California

He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.

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(720): View more from Colorado

She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.

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(805): View more from California

He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.

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(208): View more from Idaho

You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?

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(650): View more from California

Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"

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(407): View more from Florida

Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick

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(309): View more from Illinois

she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.

(708): View more from Illinois

Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.

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(714): View more from California

I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA

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(714): View more from California

Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.

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(330): View more from Ohio

It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.

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(562): View more from California

I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.

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(254): View more from Texas

I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.

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(940): View more from Texas

He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?

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(587): View more from Alberta

Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.

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(315): View more from New York

don't pay it forward

(1-315): View more from New York

I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced

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(954): View more from Florida

damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian

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(740): View more from Ohio

no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me

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(917): View more from New York City

its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.

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(312): View more from Illinois

he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl

(313): View more from Michigan

you mean his girlfriend

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(207): View more from Maine

Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?

(828): View more from North Carolina

Sobriety and mild self-respect

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(541): View more from Oregon

You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

Aren't they always?

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(785): View more from Kansas

I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well

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(330): View more from Ohio

I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left

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(248): View more from Michigan

If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.

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(248): View more from Michigan

My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge

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(313): View more from Michigan

Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.

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(561): View more from Florida

Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree

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(914): View more from New York

Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?

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(410): View more from Maryland

I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.

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(260): View more from Indiana

He went soft

(631): View more from New York

Wait. During?

(260): View more from Indiana

Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.

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(212): View more from New York

Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number

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(303): View more from Colorado

Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine

(303): View more from Colorado

Oh and I threw up on myself...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.

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(607): View more from New York

I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.

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(509): View more from Washington

no you're not allowed back

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Who did Billy Mays play for?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.

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(858): View more from California

Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.

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(602): View more from Arizona

If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.

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(914): View more from New York

You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.

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(+61): View more from Australia

why is my forehead so bruised?

(1+61): View more from

i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.

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(631): View more from New York

Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...

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(623): View more from Arizona

No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"

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(416): View more from Toronto

You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...

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(315): View more from New York

JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...

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(646): View more from New York

So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit

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(516): View more from New York

please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with

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(347): View more from New York

apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity

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(631): View more from New York

I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.

(1-631): View more from New York

I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...

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(678): View more from Georgia

I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.

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(310): View more from California

The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.

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(347): View more from New York

Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think

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(916): View more from California

He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.

(571): View more from Virginia

define virginity.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.

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(562): View more from California

If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up

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(904): View more from Florida

I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded

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(313): View more from Michigan

Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration

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(1-917): View more from New York City

you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...

(917): View more from New York City

oh thats it?

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(269): View more from Michigan

So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!

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(703): View more from Virginia

It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...

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(216): View more from Ohio

I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit

(216): View more from Ohio

There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?

(770): View more from Georgia

Nope, his last birthday was.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?

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(248): View more from Michigan

I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh

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(513): View more from Ohio

After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.

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(917): View more from New York City

she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it

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(816): View more from Missouri

I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.

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(510): View more from California

You want to go to a white party at LAX

(1-510): View more from California

Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.

(803): View more from South Carolina

Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.

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(208): View more from Idaho

It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."

(1-208): View more from Idaho

My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."

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(515): View more from Iowa

P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready

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(720): View more from Colorado

So you met him?

(1-720): View more from Colorado

More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?

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(801): View more from Utah

Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.

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(518): View more from New York

His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.

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(845): View more from New York

Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.

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(415): View more from California

It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.

(216): View more from Ohio

this is the second day in a row.

(330): View more from Ohio

Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?

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(417): View more from Missouri

Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot

(617): View more from Massachusetts

i want to face-plant into her vagina

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(701): View more from North Dakota

it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good

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(248): View more from Michigan

Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....

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(860): View more from Connecticut

How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.

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(619): View more from California

Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight

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(218): View more from Minnesota

His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.

(612): View more from Minnesota

His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.

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(713): View more from Texas

then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate

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(916): View more from California

I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.

(1-916): View more from California

Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.

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(509): View more from Washington

He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.

(425): View more from Washington

Is that even possible?

(509): View more from Washington

I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.

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(207): View more from Maine

I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7

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(970): View more from Colorado

He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys

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(706): View more from Georgia

Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Lube is flammable

(404): View more from Georgia

Who is this??

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(765): View more from Indiana

Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun

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(416): View more from Toronto

I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning

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(847): View more from Illinois

i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did she buy you pizza?

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(703): View more from Virginia

fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Why are you speaking in third person?

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.

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(309): View more from Illinois

i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn

(952): View more from Minnesota

what?

(612): View more from Minnesota

i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn

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(+44): View more from England

You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.

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(210): View more from Texas

I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.

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(516): View more from New York

Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.

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(845): View more from New York

She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.

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(239): View more from Florida

Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?

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(408): View more from California

How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?

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(818): View more from California

Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Nice meating you last night

(843): View more from South Carolina

Not a typo

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(161): View more from

that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.

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(727): View more from Florida

He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.

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(804): View more from Virginia

my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2

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(337): View more from Louisiana

i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...

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(703): View more from Virginia

just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Why are handjobs necessary in class?

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(816): View more from Missouri

So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.

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(512): View more from Texas

after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever

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(425): View more from Washington

It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.

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(503): View more from Oregon

One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.

(503): View more from Oregon

By 8 I mean 9.

(503): View more from Oregon

And by 9 I mean 10.

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(971): View more from Oregon

this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word

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(510): View more from California

You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.

(1-520): View more from Arizona

I can pencil you in at 3:30

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(760): View more from California

You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare

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(214): View more from Texas

Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life

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(330): View more from Ohio

Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..

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(455): View more from

As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.

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(626): View more from California

wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.

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(208): View more from Idaho

so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.

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(360): View more from Washington

You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I'm wearing red that night.

(301): View more from Maryland

Noted, what shade?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Whore.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.

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(773): View more from Illinois

She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself

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(641): View more from Iowa

I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.

(319): View more from Iowa

Good thing spelling doesn't count.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.

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(573): View more from Missouri

You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles

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(740): View more from Ohio

Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere

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(303): View more from Colorado

if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous

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(708): View more from Illinois

Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?

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(516): View more from New York

Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.

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(718): View more from New York

I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace

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(313): View more from Michigan

In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(303): View more from Colorado

I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?

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(925): View more from California

I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.

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(562): View more from California

He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport

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(440): View more from Ohio

im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.

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(571): View more from Virginia

Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!

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(315): View more from New York

playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps

(315): View more from New York

warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.

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(310): View more from California

Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?

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(440): View more from Ohio

Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.

(440): View more from Ohio

The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.

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(619): View more from California

I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.

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(310): View more from California

my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.

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(419): View more from Ohio

HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

what about money

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

no - he has a code he lives by

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(402): View more from Nebraska

In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.

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(315): View more from New York

Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video

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(218): View more from Minnesota

You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.

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(480): View more from Arizona

You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show

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(205): View more from Alabama

No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment

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(212): View more from New York

No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob

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(940): View more from Texas

...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you

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(607): View more from New York

I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

(315): View more from New York

Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Are you alive?

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo

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(408): View more from California

After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.

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(514): View more from Quebec

He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why

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(770): View more from Georgia

All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.

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(530): View more from California

Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.

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(707): View more from California

You rang?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.

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(567): View more from Ohio

i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand

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(440): View more from Ohio

While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct

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(301): View more from Maryland

so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards

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(734): View more from Michigan

The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.

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(254): View more from Texas

By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

Figured I'd get right to the point

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.

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(631): View more from New York

He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?

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(757): View more from Virginia

he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.

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(734): View more from Michigan

It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."

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(678): View more from Georgia

Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?

(404): View more from Georgia

Things like this can't be explained over text man

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(425): View more from Washington

You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.

(206): View more from Washington

The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!

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(276): View more from Virginia

I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....

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(425): View more from Washington

I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.

(1-425): View more from Washington

I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I love you more with every blowjob.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

You should write for Hallmark.

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(512): View more from Texas

I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.

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(707): View more from California

I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.

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(432): View more from Texas

she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?

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(248): View more from Michigan

Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream

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(512): View more from Texas

Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong

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(303): View more from Colorado

im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels

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(573): View more from Missouri

He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.

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(478): View more from Georgia

Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Ugh he's texting me.

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.

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(616): View more from Michigan

She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross

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(530): View more from California

I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"

(239): View more from Florida

I am the fairy godmother of the drink.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding

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(937): View more from Ohio

as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.

(1-802): View more from Vermont

I hope you fall on your chin.

(802): View more from Vermont

Jealousy makes you ugly.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.

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(941): View more from Florida

He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.

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(626): View more from California

Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.

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(707): View more from California

is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??

(408): View more from California

your beer goggles are on backwards.

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(951): View more from California

Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

Jesus, are you hammered?

(701): View more from North Dakota

Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.

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(573): View more from Missouri

This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.

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(510): View more from California

Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.

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(714): View more from California

I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".

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(914): View more from New York

You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.

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(714): View more from California

that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"

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(514): View more from Quebec

theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero

(514): View more from Quebec

like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Am I supposed to find that romantic?

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(206): View more from Washington

My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.

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(913): View more from Kansas

When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.

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(540): View more from Virginia

i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.

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(678): View more from Georgia

She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever

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(514): View more from Quebec

he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.

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(312): View more from Illinois

You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.

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(283): View more from Ohio

she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.

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(850): View more from Florida

You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer

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(706): View more from Georgia

What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.

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(714): View more from California

no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness

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(631): View more from New York

He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street

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(713): View more from Texas

I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?

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(314): View more from Missouri

He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.

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(586): View more from Michigan

he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.

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(913): View more from Kansas

No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.

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(571): View more from Virginia

I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.

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(954): View more from Florida

8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.

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(806): View more from Texas

with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.

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(703): View more from Virginia

She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.

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(815): View more from Illinois

No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.

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(206): View more from Washington

No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.

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(216): View more from Ohio

So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize

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(801): View more from Utah

we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday

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(513): View more from Ohio

Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.

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(801): View more from Utah

I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands

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(513): View more from Ohio

He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.

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(708): View more from Illinois

He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain

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(559): View more from California

Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10

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(937): View more from Ohio

It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.

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(949): View more from California

Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?

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(636): View more from Missouri

& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'

(636): View more from Missouri

HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...

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(305): View more from Florida

It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America

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(254): View more from Texas

oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick

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(510): View more from California

Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Then she called me a home wrecking whore.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.

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(540): View more from Virginia

just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it

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(360): View more from Washington

Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.

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(817): View more from Texas

Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?

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(316): View more from Kansas

i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?

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(416): View more from Toronto

I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon

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(734): View more from Michigan

i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.

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(631): View more from New York

You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.

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(703): View more from Virginia

does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.

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(720): View more from Colorado

He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.

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(281): View more from Texas

He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.

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(850): View more from Florida

"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?

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(770): View more from Georgia

He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious

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(713): View more from Texas

I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk

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(503): View more from Oregon

There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever

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(850): View more from Florida

I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?

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(954): View more from Florida

He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways

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(516): View more from New York

Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.

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(408): View more from California

im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.

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(408): View more from California

He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.

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(913): View more from Kansas

It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.

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(510): View more from California

Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.

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(941): View more from Florida

I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special

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(818): View more from California

well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning

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(817): View more from Texas

I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet

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(812): View more from Indiana

They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated

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(214): View more from Texas

Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"

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(804): View more from Virginia

IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT

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(585): View more from New York

its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.

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(712): View more from Iowa

He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.

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(563): View more from Iowa

i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about

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(702): View more from Nevada

It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

What's the big deal? you guys fuck

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times

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(718): View more from New York

He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..

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(904): View more from Florida

I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on

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(804): View more from Virginia

Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.

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(916): View more from California

It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.

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(516): View more from New York

making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"

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(714): View more from California

He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.

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(503): View more from Oregon

she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...

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(571): View more from Virginia

dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.

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(810): View more from Michigan

He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?

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(909): View more from California

I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine

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(303): View more from Colorado

One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card

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(214): View more from Texas

I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"

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(646): View more from New York

How is your vagina???

(941): View more from Florida

Double booked

(646): View more from New York

With your butt?

(941): View more from Florida

Totes, candlesticks and all

(646): View more from New York

Yay!!

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(612): View more from Minnesota

ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.

(763): View more from Minnesota

haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.

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(206): View more from Washington

I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.

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(907): View more from Alaska

everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.

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(801): View more from Utah

that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow

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(301): View more from Maryland

I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"

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(561): View more from Florida

His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I swear to god he's a one man village people.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever

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(586): View more from Michigan

he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

no pressure.

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(443): View more from Maryland

In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'

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(718): View more from New York

i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..

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(307): View more from Wyoming

The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story

(307): View more from Wyoming

The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.

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(773): View more from Illinois

literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in

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(303): View more from Colorado

Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...

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(973): View more from New Jersey

this is a time for prayers...seriously

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.

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(925): View more from California

I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't

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(301): View more from Maryland

The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"

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(505): View more from New Mexico

she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes

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(425): View more from Washington

Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me

(1-425): View more from Washington

Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.

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(503): View more from Oregon

His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.

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(+61): View more from Australia

She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...

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(679): View more from Michigan

You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.

(679): View more from Michigan

You really are best friends.

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(713): View more from Texas

He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat

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(416): View more from Toronto

I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations

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(727): View more from Florida

We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno

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(214): View more from Texas

Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.

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(404): View more from Georgia

What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.

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(703): View more from Virginia

i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me

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(361): View more from Texas

Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.

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(801): View more from Utah

You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.

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(303): View more from Colorado

so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out

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(315): View more from New York

I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit

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(740): View more from Ohio

she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse

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(630): View more from Illinois

And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."

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(719): View more from Colorado

He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."

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(770): View more from Georgia

he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario

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(702): View more from Nevada

So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.

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(804): View more from Virginia

just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie

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(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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(678): View more from Georgia

He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it

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(904): View more from Florida

Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Are you high?

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(806): View more from Texas

That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!

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(810): View more from Michigan

Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police

(616): View more from Michigan

What?!?

(810): View more from Michigan

What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police

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(469): View more from Texas

Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.

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(770): View more from Georgia

he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took

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(801): View more from Utah

Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...

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(303): View more from Colorado

She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.

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(310): View more from California

It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.

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(904): View more from Florida

He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me

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(415): View more from California

You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.

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(616): View more from Michigan

you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way

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(661): View more from California

Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...

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(970): View more from Colorado

There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun

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(386): View more from Florida

Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.

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(951): View more from California

so let's talk penis.

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(313): View more from Michigan

No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.

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(850): View more from Florida

Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(415): View more from California

apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.

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(718): View more from New York

I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"

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(708): View more from Illinois

She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....

(843): View more from South Carolina

I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...

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(503): View more from Oregon

The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck

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(815): View more from Illinois

just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling

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(229): View more from Georgia

Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.

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(214): View more from Texas

Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.

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(949): View more from California

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him

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(865): View more from Tennessee

She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".

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(516): View more from New York

I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen

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(602): View more from Arizona

Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?

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(813): View more from Florida

Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.

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(509): View more from Washington

They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...

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(256): View more from Alabama

Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.

(228): View more from Mississippi

Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky

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(512): View more from Texas

he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl

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(647): View more from Ontario

We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach

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(908): View more from New Jersey

So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.

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(916): View more from California

Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.

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(727): View more from Florida

she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex

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(901): View more from Tennessee

i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life

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(907): View more from Alaska

She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing

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(314): View more from Missouri

You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night

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(906): View more from Michigan

If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?

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(207): View more from Maine

So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.

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(510): View more from California

Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.

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(253): View more from Washington

You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.

(+27): View more from South Africa

I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.

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(917): View more from New York City

your thong is hanging out like whoa

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(312): View more from Illinois

Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.

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(417): View more from Missouri

we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!

(806): View more from Texas

wasnt one 13?

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(760): View more from California

For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".

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(769): View more from Mississippi

she said she likes her vagina punished

(1-769): View more from Mississippi

being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough

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(757): View more from Virginia

I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...

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(909): View more from California

why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?

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(210): View more from Texas

How crunk are you?

(713): View more from Texas

I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins

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(785): View more from Kansas

I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.

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(941): View more from Florida

so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha

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(212): View more from New York

R you on birth control?

(1-212): View more from New York

No, why?

(212): View more from New York

...no reason

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(+82): View more from

I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.

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(516): View more from New York

It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.

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(757): View more from Virginia

6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i don't plan on having that self control this summer

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?

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(360): View more from Washington

I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood

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(907): View more from Alaska

she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.

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(503): View more from Oregon

bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.

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(765): View more from Indiana

After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I'm in awe of how selfish that is.

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(480): View more from Arizona

He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.

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(801): View more from Utah

he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order

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(440): View more from Ohio

i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.

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(404): View more from Georgia

And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal

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(858): View more from California

Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach

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(210): View more from Texas

yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."

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(605): View more from South Dakota

dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.

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(619): View more from California

Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich

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(847): View more from Illinois

You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.

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(541): View more from Oregon

She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...

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(315): View more from New York

My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

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(530): View more from California

There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."

(716): View more from New York

lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.

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(303): View more from Colorado

If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?

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(708): View more from Illinois

Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.

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(863): View more from Florida

i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this

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(251): View more from Alabama

you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside

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(940): View more from Texas

shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...

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(515): View more from Iowa

then she stuck her tongue in my ass

(1-515): View more from Iowa

I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?

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(817): View more from Texas

He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"

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(714): View more from California

I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

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(256): View more from Alabama

you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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(443): View more from Maryland

I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong

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(858): View more from California

Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"

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(716): View more from New York

I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.

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(740): View more from Ohio

So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?

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(253): View more from Washington

Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Why am I even shocked you're doing this....

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(210): View more from Texas

I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut

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(201): View more from New Jersey

at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

youre welcome

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(510): View more from California

i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.

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(518): View more from New York

after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.

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(516): View more from New York

He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore

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(804): View more from Virginia

is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?

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(518): View more from New York

he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."

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(502): View more from Kentucky

If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.

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(209): View more from California

We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem

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(386): View more from Florida

I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

this is really not the time to pretend we have morals

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(936): View more from Texas

Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance

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(303): View more from Colorado

so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...

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(310): View more from California

If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?

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(662): View more from Mississippi

It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.

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(705): View more from Ontario

APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...

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(678): View more from Georgia

He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.

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(614): View more from Ohio

So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...

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(301): View more from Maryland

i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury

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(707): View more from California

He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..

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(702): View more from Nevada

Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!

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(416): View more from Toronto

he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.

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(806): View more from Texas

What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???

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(404): View more from Georgia

My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.

(816): View more from Missouri

...... wtf.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes

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(404): View more from Georgia

She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.

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(516): View more from New York

Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice

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(937): View more from Ohio

Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.

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(970): View more from Colorado

And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out

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(563): View more from Iowa

If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted

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(716): View more from New York

i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college

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(718): View more from New York

The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.

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(785): View more from Kansas

he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.

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(815): View more from Illinois

she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.

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(705): View more from Ontario

And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".

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(516): View more from New York

She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning

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(239): View more from Florida

"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.

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(703): View more from Virginia

We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

(540): View more from Virginia

You guys make me sad

(703): View more from Virginia

You misspelled jealous there

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.

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(714): View more from California

the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester

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(213): View more from California

Her brother is deaf.

(214): View more from Texas

no wonder she was so good with her hands

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(620): View more from Kansas

throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex

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(303): View more from Colorado

and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster

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(905): View more from Ontario

She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up

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(816): View more from Missouri

you were mass sexting so we took your phone away

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(352): View more from Florida

Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.

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(949): View more from California

I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?

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(620): View more from Kansas

Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?

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(773): View more from Illinois

I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.

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(443): View more from Maryland

she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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(214): View more from Texas

okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.

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(646): View more from New York

its my first week of college and i have a UTI

(718): View more from New York

not easy being a whore now is it

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(217): View more from Illinois

I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often

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(418): View more from Quebec

You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"

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(816): View more from Missouri

she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.

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(516): View more from New York

I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.

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(757): View more from Virginia

You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"

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(432): View more from Texas

then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.

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(210): View more from Texas

hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.

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(310): View more from California

I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too

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(908): View more from New Jersey

can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night

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(623): View more from Arizona

Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.

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(516): View more from New York

The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".

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(919): View more from North Carolina

sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

There is too much vodka and too much dick.

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(512): View more from Texas

I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...

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(971): View more from Oregon

Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.

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(703): View more from Virginia

just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.

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(917): View more from New York City

I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem

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(305): View more from Florida

I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?

(224): View more from Illinois

story of my life.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.

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(269): View more from Michigan

My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.

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(515): View more from Iowa

RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..

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(251): View more from Alabama

I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost

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(615): View more from Tennessee

all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(516): View more from New York

i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor

(1-516): View more from New York

did you bang her?

(516): View more from New York

seriously?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.

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(571): View more from Virginia

i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.

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(614): View more from Ohio

My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS

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(303): View more from Colorado

you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you

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(503): View more from Oregon

He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"

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(573): View more from Missouri

dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one

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(631): View more from New York

well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore

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(925): View more from California

Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.

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(801): View more from Utah

I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.

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(209): View more from California

nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life

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(434): View more from Virginia

He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.

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(770): View more from Georgia

We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?

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(419): View more from Ohio

I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.

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(319): View more from Iowa

he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Whore.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I was being facetious

(540): View more from Virginia

Don't try to hide behind big words.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.

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(718): View more from New York

Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY

(614): View more from Ohio

handstands? WTF?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

she was a gymnast

(614): View more from Ohio

go to hell.

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(740): View more from Ohio

new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.

(419): View more from Ohio

you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.

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(718): View more from New York

If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.

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(907): View more from Alaska

i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....

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(305): View more from Florida

After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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(212): View more from New York

it was like a zeppelin in a condom

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(907): View more from Alaska

i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?

(1-605): View more from South Dakota

No. It just means your good at giving head.

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(786): View more from Florida

He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT

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(616): View more from Michigan

On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.

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(519): View more from Ontario

You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.

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(513): View more from Ohio

NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...

(1-513): View more from Ohio

God I fucking love America.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

I don't want it.

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(315): View more from New York

Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.

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(714): View more from California

Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.

(562): View more from California

You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.

(714): View more from California

Well someones bitter they didn't get any.

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(716): View more from New York

just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.

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(410): View more from Maryland

She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.

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(410): View more from Maryland

There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first

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(419): View more from Ohio

I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?

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(410): View more from Maryland

she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.

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(514): View more from Quebec

please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...

(1-514): View more from Quebec

Does an alley count?

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(818): View more from California

Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?

(770): View more from Georgia

I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.

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(586): View more from Michigan

1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night

(586): View more from Michigan

2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street

(586): View more from Michigan

3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call

(586): View more from Michigan

So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.

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(516): View more from New York

ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront

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(323): View more from California

At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.

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(807): View more from Ontario

yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd

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(303): View more from Colorado

am i morally bankrupt?

(970): View more from Colorado

no. its just the recession

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(914): View more from New York

i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick

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(703): View more from Virginia

im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off

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(940): View more from Texas

just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it

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(785): View more from Kansas

Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him

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(765): View more from Indiana

I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.

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(631): View more from New York

She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.

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(519): View more from Ontario

my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again

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(914): View more from New York

we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.

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(415): View more from California

I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.

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(858): View more from California

She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Umm you met him three days ago....

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I said what I said

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(818): View more from California

I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.

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(907): View more from Alaska

You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.

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(561): View more from Florida

Bad news is he broke up with me via text message

(561): View more from Florida

But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it

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(678): View more from Georgia

I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"

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(480): View more from Arizona

He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.

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(716): View more from New York

People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz

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(631): View more from New York

You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows

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(931): View more from Tennessee

is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to

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(770): View more from Georgia

i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot

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(914): View more from New York

Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to

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(813): View more from Florida

Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?

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(734): View more from Michigan

He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.

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(818): View more from California

he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?

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(231): View more from Michigan

So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?

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(305): View more from Florida

God, you're like boner-b-gone

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(714): View more from California

He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.

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(515): View more from Iowa

theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love

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(206): View more from Washington

He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.

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(607): View more from New York

Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.

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(334): View more from Alabama

God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

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(516): View more from New York

I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me

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(917): View more from New York City

But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.

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(757): View more from Virginia

It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?

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(516): View more from New York

He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue

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(585): View more from New York

Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.

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(770): View more from Georgia

She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter

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(206): View more from Washington

I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.

(1-206): View more from Washington

You are nothing if not reliable.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang

(917): View more from New York City

really making moves this morning i see

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(408): View more from California

How was your sisters wedding?

(1-408): View more from California

Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.

(408): View more from California

sisterhood ftl.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.

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(224): View more from Illinois

he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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(563): View more from Iowa

he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes

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(817): View more from Texas

Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.

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(407): View more from Florida

So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.

(352): View more from Florida

WHAT?!

(407): View more from Florida

He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy

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(520): View more from Arizona

Have you been tested recently?

(1-520): View more from Arizona

Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune

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(410): View more from Maryland

you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma

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(302): View more from Delaware

didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official

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(301): View more from Maryland

It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.

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(727): View more from Florida

Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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(516): View more from New York

no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?

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(703): View more from Virginia

i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts

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(614): View more from Ohio

yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

and what did he say?

(614): View more from Ohio

there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

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(478): View more from Georgia

So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking

(404): View more from Georgia

how did that work out?

(478): View more from Georgia

Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.

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(936): View more from Texas

Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.

(1-936): View more from Texas

Can I eat your pillow?

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(702): View more from Nevada

I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.

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(773): View more from Illinois

How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?

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(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.

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(585): View more from New York

If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.

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(909): View more from California

don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.

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(630): View more from Illinois

She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce

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(678): View more from Georgia

That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.

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(619): View more from California

let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out

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(954): View more from Florida

When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.

(1-954): View more from Florida

RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND

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(909): View more from California

It must have been true love

(604): View more from British Columbia

I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other

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(973): View more from New Jersey

YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.

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(813): View more from Florida

She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.

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(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

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(330): View more from Ohio

My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob

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(925): View more from California

Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.

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(914): View more from New York

I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.

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(713): View more from Texas

I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.

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(916): View more from California

Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.

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(309): View more from Illinois

why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??

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(973): View more from New Jersey

how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You just said the magic words

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(858): View more from California

Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.

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(404): View more from Georgia

look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose

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(919): View more from North Carolina

its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table

(804): View more from Virginia

by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?

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(850): View more from Florida

come over anyways, right now, right this second

(850): View more from Florida

it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying

(561): View more from Florida

wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation

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(650): View more from California

an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.

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(520): View more from Arizona

In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.

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(434): View more from Virginia

At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still

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(702): View more from Nevada

Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.

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(786): View more from Florida

Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood

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(813): View more from Florida

my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?

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(913): View more from Kansas

The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.

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(555): View more from

Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.

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(310): View more from California

so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.

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(815): View more from Illinois

there was naked duck duck goose

(703): View more from Virginia

how does that even get suggested?!

(815): View more from Illinois

after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal

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(630): View more from Illinois

The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.

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(703): View more from Virginia

But I thought everyone had breakup sex?

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(626): View more from California

in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea

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(647): View more from Ontario

hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair

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(219): View more from Indiana

Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role

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(253): View more from Washington

he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.

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(281): View more from Texas

I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.

(979): View more from Texas

I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.

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(831): View more from California

she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?

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(754): View more from Florida

He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?

(954): View more from Florida

In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?

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(289): View more from Ontario

So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already

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(847): View more from Illinois

dude, osama threatened the US again

(1-847): View more from Illinois

dude. i slept with your sister last night

(847): View more from Illinois

what?

(1-847): View more from Illinois

I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news

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(702): View more from Nevada

whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.

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(303): View more from Colorado

She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.

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(626): View more from California

Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?

(308): View more from Nebraska

Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.

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(315): View more from New York

They're like penises that have been put in a blender.

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(443): View more from Maryland

His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake

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(205): View more from Alabama

Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.

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(310): View more from California

It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.

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(310): View more from California

if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right

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(270): View more from Kentucky

He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

Does God suck his dick?

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(540): View more from Virginia

she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride

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(618): View more from Illinois

It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.

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(312): View more from Illinois

She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her

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(407): View more from Florida

I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.

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(716): View more from New York

He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid

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(479): View more from Arkansas

He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Don't worry. I has chaperone.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."

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(210): View more from Texas

Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

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(515): View more from Iowa

hes a good boy he deserves a good blow

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(864): View more from South Carolina

You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.

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(515): View more from Iowa

So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?

(734): View more from Michigan

She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.

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(816): View more from Missouri

She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?

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(419): View more from Ohio

if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight

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(614): View more from Ohio

Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.

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(309): View more from Illinois

She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.

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(310): View more from California

thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!

(1-310): View more from California

you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?

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(702): View more from Nevada

is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

when i was alone, his dick was there for me...

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.

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(315): View more from New York

I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.

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(585): View more from New York

I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.

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(770): View more from Georgia

who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!

(404): View more from Georgia

you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.

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(352): View more from Florida

she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.

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(703): View more from Virginia

like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?

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(925): View more from California

when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?

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(818): View more from California

Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks

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(914): View more from New York

My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?

(778): View more from British Columbia

Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.

(604): View more from British Columbia

Ohh that happened after I started to cry.

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(406): View more from Montana

I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.

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(614): View more from Ohio

...is it true? will i see you next weekend

(248): View more from Michigan

YES.

(614): View more from Ohio

ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.

(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm moving there. Get me hired.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.

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(541): View more from Oregon

You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask

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(518): View more from New York

i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur

(413): View more from Massachusetts

did it start talking like on Land before time?

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(503): View more from Oregon

i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.

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(850): View more from Florida

this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen

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(561): View more from Florida

Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!

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(313): View more from Michigan

Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that

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(360): View more from Washington

Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.

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(404): View more from Georgia

he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?

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(407): View more from Florida

i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.

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(480): View more from Arizona

So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

i hope you realize when i said "grib" earlier i was referring to the gridded binary, a mathematically concise data format commonly used in meteorology to store historical weather forecast data. also meant in referential conjunction to my probability math class that i am failing at roughly 215pm tomorrow afternoon.

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(248): View more from Michigan

doug butabi!

(1-248): View more from Michigan

steve butabi!

(248): View more from Michigan

hotties wanna shake it

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(315): View more from New York

thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.

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(281): View more from Texas

when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer

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(908): View more from New Jersey

so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.

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(319): View more from Iowa

he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"

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(786): View more from Florida

She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick

(305): View more from Florida

I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.

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(613): View more from Ontario

There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(970): View more from Colorado

i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show

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(763): View more from Minnesota

she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle

(612): View more from Minnesota

safety first

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(419): View more from Ohio

I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.

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(716): View more from New York

I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.

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(440): View more from Ohio

i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.

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(770): View more from Georgia

he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players

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(207): View more from Maine

Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.

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(718): View more from New York

walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)

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(626): View more from California

he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??

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(404): View more from Georgia

Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(647): View more from Ontario

all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

(905): View more from Ontario

You're fat. Stop making excuses

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(419): View more from Ohio

You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome

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(961): View more from

I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit

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(914): View more from New York

i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die

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(925): View more from California

So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf

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(818): View more from California

That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!

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(541): View more from Oregon

I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.

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(970): View more from Colorado

let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot

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(234): View more from Ohio

omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?

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(702): View more from Nevada

i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.

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(305): View more from Florida

its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face

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(732): View more from New Jersey

its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time

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(973): View more from New Jersey

his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed

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(630): View more from Illinois

He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

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(616): View more from Michigan

So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...

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(480): View more from Arizona

omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.

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(224): View more from Illinois

It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.

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(925): View more from California

don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement

(510): View more from California

big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...

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(425): View more from Washington

if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you

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(615): View more from Tennessee

everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent

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(516): View more from New York

she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".

(917): View more from New York City

I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.

(217): View more from Illinois

Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.

(917): View more from New York City

Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.

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(813): View more from Florida

he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.

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(619): View more from California

I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.

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(805): View more from California

she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Kiss

(1-313): View more from Michigan

Puke

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

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(518): View more from New York

I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.

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(804): View more from Virginia

The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.

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(440): View more from Ohio

you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..

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(586): View more from Michigan

love how google fills in search terms for you, today for example, i ran a query for "why do girls get t"

(586): View more from Michigan

and google finished it w/ "ramp stamps."

(586): View more from Michigan

I felt less weird knowing others had searched this before me.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Go study a dick amy that's outrageous

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(804): View more from Virginia

Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.

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(619): View more from California

reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy

(1-619): View more from California

sounds legit

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(513): View more from Ohio

My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.

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(478): View more from Georgia

So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis

(410): View more from Maryland

Sounds like a really classy character....

(478): View more from Georgia

He is classy. It was argyle.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?

(937): View more from Ohio

Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.

(419): View more from Ohio

Is that considered a cock block?

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(330): View more from Ohio

i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels

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(678): View more from Georgia

All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

(404): View more from Georgia

You mean bread?

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(646): View more from New York

My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...

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(941): View more from Florida

Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore

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(602): View more from Arizona

Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.

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(905): View more from Ontario

He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer

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(740): View more from Ohio

While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I just did the classiest thing ever.

(216): View more from Ohio

last time you said that you got chlamydia.

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(513): View more from Ohio

So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno

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(407): View more from Florida

I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Hawaiian shirts and no dignity

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.

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(917): View more from New York City

I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.

(917): View more from New York City

Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.

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(818): View more from California

dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks

(626): View more from California

well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.

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(845): View more from New York

oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear

(952): View more from Minnesota

gross she's a slut

(612): View more from Minnesota

yea she doesn't shave either

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills

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(330): View more from Ohio

My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for

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(319): View more from Iowa

How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.

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(585): View more from New York

I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.

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(702): View more from Nevada

So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am

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(407): View more from Florida

Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.

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(302): View more from Delaware

he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"

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(626): View more from California

she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo

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(919): View more from North Carolina

At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?

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(903): View more from Texas

Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe

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(360): View more from Washington

I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.

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(818): View more from California

im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.

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(573): View more from Missouri

my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college

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(512): View more from Texas

So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?

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(303): View more from Colorado

My hand turned me down

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(631): View more from New York

After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch

(1-631): View more from New York

that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her

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(914): View more from New York

Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

saw you walking with that piece of shit

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

and that piece of shit just read that

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...

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(336): View more from North Carolina

life is too short to starve

(678): View more from Georgia

life is also too short to be fat

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.

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(503): View more from Oregon

He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

Marry him

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.

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(817): View more from Texas

Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation

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(509): View more from Washington

Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.

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(720): View more from Colorado

just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

Don't tempt me, I need beer money.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?

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(207): View more from Maine

There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself

(207): View more from Maine

OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...

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(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.

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(425): View more from Washington

i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now

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(972): View more from Texas

Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...

(214): View more from Texas

Was she wearing cherry chapstick??

(972): View more from Texas

No. Life's not always a fairytale.....

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(407): View more from Florida

If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you

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(512): View more from Texas

He is such a slut. More and more my type.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

dude why did you let me call her?!

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...

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(225): View more from Louisiana

True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us

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(575): View more from New Mexico

We need to talk about our relationship.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes

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(516): View more from New York

I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.

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(703): View more from Virginia

the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.

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(540): View more from Virginia

It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.

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(813): View more from Florida

right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.

(1-813): View more from Florida

only on the fourth of july.

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(219): View more from Indiana

she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.

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(207): View more from Maine

I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.

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(718): View more from New York

...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex

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(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Lets date for the summer

(815): View more from Illinois

what?

(480): View more from Arizona

Dont love me in September.

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(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

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(775): View more from Nevada

god, a vagina is an amazing trump card

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!

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(443): View more from Maryland

Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.

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(269): View more from Michigan

when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.

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(310): View more from California

she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.

(1-310): View more from California

ewwww. she might as well have a dick.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.

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(614): View more from Ohio

He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?

(516): View more from New York

one can only hope.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line

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(636): View more from Missouri

I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life

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(937): View more from Ohio

he is so annoying

(513): View more from Ohio

so stop sleeping with him

(937): View more from Ohio

yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk

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(801): View more from Utah

No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything

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(303): View more from Colorado

I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.

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(636): View more from Missouri

So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.

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(812): View more from Indiana

just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"

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(352): View more from Florida

I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy

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(520): View more from Arizona

he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it

(987): View more from

im ashamed your my cousin

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(248): View more from Michigan

If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"

(219): View more from Indiana

I have so much to learn from you, wise slut

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(218): View more from Minnesota

No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I honestly don't know what to make of that.

(423): View more from Tennessee

A ham sandwich would be nice.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

thats actually pretty good logic

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(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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(303): View more from Colorado

Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store

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(314): View more from Missouri

shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.

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(540): View more from Virginia

she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love

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(714): View more from California

Ikea night.

(949): View more from California

?

(714): View more from California

Insert tab A into swedish slot B

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(914): View more from New York

2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine

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(937): View more from Ohio

[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

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(740): View more from Ohio

you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?

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(931): View more from Tennessee

After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!

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(716): View more from New York

Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!

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(402): View more from Nebraska

lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.

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(212): View more from New York

This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.

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(718): View more from New York

"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.

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(954): View more from Florida

First date: that requires underwear, huh?

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(410): View more from Maryland

I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?

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(619): View more from California

I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.

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(347): View more from New York

she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.

(1-347): View more from New York

ofcourse you didnt.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

like hot dogs and buns.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.

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(979): View more from Texas

if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances

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(770): View more from Georgia

The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding

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(602): View more from Arizona

I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

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(509): View more from Washington

if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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(562): View more from California

In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling

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(425): View more from Washington

Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water

(425): View more from Washington

Legs for days

(1-425): View more from Washington

Harpoon that

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(816): View more from Missouri

I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this

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(561): View more from Florida

The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.

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(520): View more from Arizona

2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.

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(630): View more from Illinois

We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

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(317): View more from Indiana

Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?

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(914): View more from New York

The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"

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(313): View more from Michigan

The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip

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(908): View more from New Jersey

His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.

(732): View more from New Jersey

sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner

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(239): View more from Florida

Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?

(813): View more from Florida

Nah, just masturbating louder

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(206): View more from Washington

This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.

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(716): View more from New York

so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome

(914): View more from New York

i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"

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(678): View more from Georgia

So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...

(404): View more from Georgia

In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)

(678): View more from Georgia

cunt.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm

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(319): View more from Iowa

Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter

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(614): View more from Ohio

No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.

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(678): View more from Georgia

his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...

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(201): View more from New Jersey

if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight

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(301): View more from Maryland

If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?

(513): View more from Ohio

Get out now.

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(514): View more from Quebec

He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Every perfect package comes with a warning label.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back

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(678): View more from Georgia

Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable

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(989): View more from Michigan

Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.

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(718): View more from New York

he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty

(917): View more from New York City

smooth operator

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(850): View more from Florida

Are you still giving blowjobs?

(1-850): View more from Florida

Who is this?

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(905): View more from Ontario

My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal

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(706): View more from Georgia

Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.

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(806): View more from Texas

Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.

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(352): View more from Florida

I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.

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(214): View more from Texas

Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?

(206): View more from Washington

Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

school has made you so classy.

(514): View more from Quebec

that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.

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(408): View more from California

hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)

(650): View more from California

nah, i'm gonna grab some food

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.

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(425): View more from Washington

couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school

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(785): View more from Kansas

My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?

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(858): View more from California

So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?

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(515): View more from Iowa

On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time

(732): View more from New Jersey

no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.

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(510): View more from California

I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina

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(757): View more from Virginia

And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."

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(720): View more from Colorado

New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?

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(571): View more from Virginia

I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.

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(516): View more from New York

i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second

(631): View more from New York

i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead

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(323): View more from California

You know you want to come over later

(1-323): View more from California

1:27a: Um no

(1-323): View more from California

1:45a: Maybe

(1-323): View more from California

2:05a: Probably

(1-323): View more from California

2:38a: I'm outside, let me in

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.

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(661): View more from California

Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds

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(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin

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(201): View more from New Jersey

if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.

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(360): View more from Washington

Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.

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(407): View more from Florida

At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!

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(443): View more from Maryland

sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends

(336): View more from North Carolina

I know, I was there.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it

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(314): View more from Missouri

I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.

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(613): View more from Ontario

You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'd give my left nut to see you

(609): View more from New Jersey

don't do that. I like the set

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(607): View more from New York

Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked

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(973): View more from New Jersey

gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i must have dtf stamped on my forehead

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(415): View more from California

And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"

(1-415): View more from California

What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.

(415): View more from California

He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."

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(406): View more from Montana

When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.

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(303): View more from Colorado

im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

that was a mass text, wasnt it?

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(702): View more from Nevada

She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew

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(317): View more from Indiana

Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.

(614): View more from Ohio

Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money

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(706): View more from Georgia

We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where's it at?

(706): View more from Georgia

In your pants.

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(407): View more from Florida

What's he like?

(954): View more from Florida

The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.

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(210): View more from Texas

I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job

(917): View more from New York City

You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.

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(224): View more from Illinois

I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.

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(906): View more from Michigan

It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again

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(712): View more from Iowa

Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.

(714): View more from California

Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.

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(386): View more from Florida

According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?

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(586): View more from Michigan

In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.

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(515): View more from Iowa

She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?

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(847): View more from Illinois

as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?

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(410): View more from Maryland

forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you will always have a special place in my vag

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?

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(785): View more from Kansas

i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.

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(972): View more from Texas

You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'

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(864): View more from South Carolina

so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.

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(716): View more from New York

Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.

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(410): View more from Maryland

what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!

(1-410): View more from Maryland

the part where you beat me to him

(410): View more from Maryland

fair enough.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't

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(313): View more from Michigan

I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me

(1-313): View more from Michigan

restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch

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(847): View more from Illinois

you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.

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(818): View more from California

I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.

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(352): View more from Florida

Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.

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(816): View more from Missouri

You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.

(1-816): View more from Missouri

So we're fucking tonight?

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(602): View more from Arizona

I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.

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(847): View more from Illinois

We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you

(541): View more from Oregon

I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.

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(310): View more from California

but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.

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(281): View more from Texas

Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.

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(209): View more from California

I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.

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(650): View more from California

Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah

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(630): View more from Illinois

i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together

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(813): View more from Florida

for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!

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(507): View more from Minnesota

and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.

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(703): View more from Virginia

how do you have sooo much energy?

(571): View more from Virginia

billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week

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(913): View more from Kansas

omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(704): View more from North Carolina

happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash

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(480): View more from Arizona

Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy

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(425): View more from Washington

I proposed and she said yes man.

(1-425): View more from Washington

You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?

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(937): View more from Ohio

I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different

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(301): View more from Maryland

I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd

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(260): View more from Indiana

I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox

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(516): View more from New York

she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen

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(540): View more from Virginia

Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.

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(714): View more from California

Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.

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(516): View more from New York

I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.

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(419): View more from Ohio

i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face

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(845): View more from New York

She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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(917): View more from New York City

your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?

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(845): View more from New York

I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting

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(940): View more from Texas

She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.

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(360): View more from Washington

nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked

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(512): View more from Texas

just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?

(1-512): View more from Texas

pretty standard. you have fun last night?

(512): View more from Texas

apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?

(1-512): View more from Texas

typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95

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(315): View more from New York

idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.

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(734): View more from Michigan

You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.

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(703): View more from Virginia

capris are just wrong

(703): View more from Virginia

its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"

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(773): View more from Illinois

apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.

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(812): View more from Indiana

The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.

(317): View more from Indiana

Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.

(812): View more from Indiana

Ah, my reputation precedes me.

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(847): View more from Illinois

So I'm banging this nun...

(314): View more from Missouri

Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...

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(248): View more from Michigan

I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy

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(718): View more from New York

i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite

(917): View more from New York City

get a pic

(718): View more from New York

i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that

(917): View more from New York City

i want ur life

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(574): View more from Indiana

god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?

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(512): View more from Texas

halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...

(480): View more from Arizona

exactly, that's why i want something interesting

(512): View more from Texas

slutty neuroscientist?

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(650): View more from California

I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.

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(661): View more from California

His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger

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(828): View more from North Carolina

At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.

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(516): View more from New York

And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.

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(518): View more from New York

Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle

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(613): View more from Ontario

I want to stick my p in your. b.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Your mouth is God's brothel.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Who is this?

(407): View more from Florida

Who do you want it to be?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Sarah Palin

(407): View more from Florida

I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde

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(253): View more from Washington

I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.

(281): View more from Texas

No. Just liquor. Time's no good.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

you don't.

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(480): View more from Arizona

turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.

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(734): View more from Michigan

just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"

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(301): View more from Maryland

Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo

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(315): View more from New York

I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him

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(925): View more from California

Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends

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(504): View more from Louisiana

she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?

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(708): View more from Illinois

just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.

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(281): View more from Texas

wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery

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(323): View more from California

I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...

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(216): View more from Ohio

bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away

(440): View more from Ohio

isn't bella the cat???

(216): View more from Ohio

that she is

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(519): View more from Ontario

I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.

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(716): View more from New York

I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable

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(816): View more from Missouri

If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.

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(630): View more from Illinois

That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.

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(845): View more from New York

i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen

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(831): View more from California

I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.

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(347): View more from New York

Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one

(347): View more from New York

Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...

(802): View more from Vermont

do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.

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(301): View more from Maryland

She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.

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(818): View more from California

it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?

(708): View more from Illinois

We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.

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(516): View more from New York

She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.

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(817): View more from Texas

No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.

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(315): View more from New York

Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.

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(954): View more from Florida

I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on

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(310): View more from California

I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night

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(972): View more from Texas

You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

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(561): View more from Florida

I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon

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(509): View more from Washington

Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?

(860): View more from Connecticut

Becoming a productive member of society?

(509): View more from Washington

Sam. Come on.

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(540): View more from Virginia

ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.

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(240): View more from Maryland

This kid is drunk.

(410): View more from Maryland

I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(561): View more from Florida

i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM

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(631): View more from New York

Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.

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(970): View more from Colorado

you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.

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(512): View more from Texas

hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.

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(209): View more from California

is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?

(1-209): View more from California

yes...dear jesus what did you do?

(209): View more from California

bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong

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(340): View more from US Virgin Islands

just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?

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(813): View more from Florida

Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?

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(773): View more from Illinois

Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.

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(661): View more from California

aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet

(623): View more from Arizona

And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs

(661): View more from California

Exactly.

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(928): View more from Arizona

she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(503): View more from Oregon

You'll be proud of me

(1-503): View more from Oregon

Who did you not have sex with

(503): View more from Oregon

Damn it...you know me too well

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(330): View more from Ohio

We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.

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(516): View more from New York

what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina

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(714): View more from California

when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow

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(510): View more from California

well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it

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(520): View more from Arizona

She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.

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(503): View more from Oregon

iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I wasted some perfectly good semen on her

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(850): View more from Florida

he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.

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(404): View more from Georgia

he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off

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(305): View more from Florida

Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over

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(509): View more from Washington

I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.

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(334): View more from Alabama

she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.

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(770): View more from Georgia

His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.

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(404): View more from Georgia

i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay

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(970): View more from Colorado

Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"

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(954): View more from Florida

tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?

(1-954): View more from Florida

Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.

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(513): View more from Ohio

just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.

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(260): View more from Indiana

I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?

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(210): View more from Texas

I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.

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(513): View more from Ohio

sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

Glad to see your being a lady about this

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(408): View more from California

I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.

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(817): View more from Texas

I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.

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(518): View more from New York

It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.

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(214): View more from Texas

you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?

(806): View more from Texas

i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.

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(208): View more from Idaho

She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"

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(360): View more from Washington

It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick

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(325): View more from Texas

how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit

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(336): View more from North Carolina

We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her

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(314): View more from Missouri

Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee

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(209): View more from California

I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.

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(315): View more from New York

My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.

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(903): View more from Texas

Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later

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(310): View more from California

Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.

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(614): View more from Ohio

you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.

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(210): View more from Texas

she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?

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(905): View more from Ontario

I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.

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(850): View more from Florida

Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.

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(503): View more from Oregon

There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.

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(734): View more from Michigan

she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.

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(513): View more from Ohio

First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across

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(314): View more from Missouri

Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.

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(765): View more from Indiana

let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.

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(207): View more from Maine

i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship

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(319): View more from Iowa

You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.

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(714): View more from California

You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"

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(210): View more from Texas

I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(734): View more from Michigan

Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

How did the beer even get there in the first place?

(734): View more from Michigan

That's not what's important right now

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.

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(630): View more from Illinois

her vagine was all disorganized.

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(231): View more from Michigan

bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.

(517): View more from Michigan

Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Woah.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

that's not how you spell hell yes.

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(614): View more from Ohio

My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm home now. bring me food and boobies

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(480): View more from Arizona

Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(407): View more from Florida

We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.

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(480): View more from Arizona

just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.

(480): View more from Arizona

k i'll be over in 5.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...

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(757): View more from Virginia

apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick

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(907): View more from Alaska

is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?

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(805): View more from California

Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?

(1-805): View more from California

Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.

(1-907): View more from Alaska

Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..

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(281): View more from Texas

i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.

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(718): View more from New York

You don't think I'm weird or immature right?

(917): View more from New York City

No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets

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(914): View more from New York

she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.

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(619): View more from California

We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants

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(416): View more from Toronto

Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?

(416): View more from Toronto

Better looking than her though please.

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(716): View more from New York

You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.

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(972): View more from Texas

they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

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(831): View more from California

No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick

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(516): View more from New York

Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.

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(807): View more from Ontario

I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

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(615): View more from Tennessee

How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?

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(209): View more from California

she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook

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(770): View more from Georgia

Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time

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(407): View more from Florida

Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?

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(806): View more from Texas

at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.

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(916): View more from California

i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget

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(409): View more from Texas

We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus

(1-409): View more from Texas

How are you texting me from 1998?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?

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(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.

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(760): View more from California

i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped

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(361): View more from Texas

Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed

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(628): View more from California

i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me

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(540): View more from Virginia

she says it's "been amazing lately"

(540): View more from Virginia

i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half

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(512): View more from Texas

Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"

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(773): View more from Illinois

Kelly, is this rhetorical, or sarcastic? You are very kind & quite beautiful, but we never really evolved into anything & your prevailing ambivalence spoke more than words ever could.

(773): View more from Illinois

"We" really do not exist-if we ever did. Both of us may have been hoping for more than was possible.

(773): View more from Illinois

I would enjoy sitting down to talk about the dissolution, but think it may end up being counter productive.

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(305): View more from Florida

I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls

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(716): View more from New York

since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?

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(415): View more from California

How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him

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(908): View more from New Jersey

fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?

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(209): View more from California

dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity

(1-209): View more from California

nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all

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(530): View more from California

You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people

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(828): View more from North Carolina

God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

And you didn't burst into flames?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.

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(708): View more from Illinois

This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.

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(209): View more from California

He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.

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(979): View more from Texas

What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.

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(530): View more from California

You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.

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(905): View more from Ontario

MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.

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(443): View more from Maryland

a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?

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(317): View more from Indiana

ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.

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(408): View more from California

I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.

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(434): View more from Virginia

question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka

(231): View more from Michigan

the cocktail of hope

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(571): View more from Virginia

So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.

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(845): View more from New York

our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.

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(971): View more from Oregon

:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"

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(561): View more from Florida

I can't believe he would be such an ass

(1-561): View more from Florida

Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.

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(917): View more from New York City

yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

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(904): View more from Florida

sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!

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(636): View more from Missouri

Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm half single.

(773): View more from Illinois

Please tell me it's the bottom half.

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(650): View more from California

We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign

(562): View more from California

You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo

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(301): View more from Maryland

i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up

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(512): View more from Texas

what did gay clubs do before lady gaga

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(225): View more from Louisiana

finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day

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(816): View more from Missouri

Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?

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(858): View more from California

Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it

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(303): View more from Colorado

I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.

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(305): View more from Florida

Party in the USA is so catchy!

(863): View more from Florida

Yea, so is AIDS.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....

(1-605): View more from South Dakota

i always knew you were classy

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(443): View more from Maryland

why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?

(410): View more from Maryland

haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background

(443): View more from Maryland

that only happened once.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.

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(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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(440): View more from Ohio

i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.

(440): View more from Ohio

I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl

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(503): View more from Oregon

what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?

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(937): View more from Ohio

oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing

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(702): View more from Nevada

chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate

(415): View more from California

i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...

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(646): View more from New York

ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!

(812): View more from Indiana

?

(646): View more from New York

Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?

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(516): View more from New York

I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...

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(847): View more from Illinois

On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.

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(905): View more from Toronto

it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors

(1-905): View more from Toronto

american apparel?

(905): View more from Toronto

try lime green

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(828): View more from North Carolina

he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.

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(909): View more from California

It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity

(909): View more from California

Something's gotta give!

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(515): View more from Iowa

I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards

(1-515): View more from Iowa

None

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious

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(631): View more from New York

woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?

(516): View more from New York

you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."

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(708): View more from Illinois

You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.

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(907): View more from Alaska

My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.

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(310): View more from California

I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now

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(707): View more from California

My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.

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(515): View more from Iowa

John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.

(1-515): View more from Iowa

As in blowjob or cannibalism?

(515): View more from Iowa

I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.

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(858): View more from California

Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?

(1-514): View more from Quebec

Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.

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(806): View more from Texas

You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them

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(203): View more from Connecticut

We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back

(914): View more from New York

that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart

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(631): View more from New York

dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.

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(518): View more from New York

He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries

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(818): View more from California

She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?

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(571): View more from Virginia

so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?

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(917): View more from New York City

pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

(347): View more from New York

I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

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(646): View more from New York

So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."

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(219): View more from Indiana

I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me

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(503): View more from Oregon

you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt

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(716): View more from New York

why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross

(860): View more from Connecticut

its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary

(716): View more from New York

i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal

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(734): View more from Michigan

Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week

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(503): View more from Oregon

I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.

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(214): View more from Texas

So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.

(1-214): View more from Texas

Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"

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(651): View more from Minnesota

make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.

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(972): View more from Texas

so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.

(214): View more from Texas

so how much did i say i owed you?

(972): View more from Texas

$5 and a new fuck buddy.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..

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(704): View more from North Carolina

i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background

(1-704): View more from North Carolina

hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god

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(248): View more from Michigan

toast her oven

(1-248): View more from Michigan

toast her strudel

(248): View more from Michigan

inspect her gadget

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(504): View more from Louisiana

How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?

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(718): View more from New York

he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs

(1-718): View more from New York

I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.

(718): View more from New York

the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet

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(323): View more from California

may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.

(818): View more from California

First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".

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(216): View more from Ohio

Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?

(1-216): View more from Ohio

Lol no its called college

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(209): View more from California

what is college for if not random hookup sex?

(951): View more from California

learning.

(209): View more from California

i would literally fuck learning if i could.

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(917): View more from New York City

I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.

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(810): View more from Michigan

none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.

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(256): View more from Alabama

My hair reeks of homosexuality.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.

(201): View more from New Jersey

We better fuck soon then

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(720): View more from Colorado

its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it

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(678): View more from Georgia

After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory

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(+27): View more from South Africa

I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.

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(760): View more from California

O no, u 2 are dating again?

(503): View more from Oregon

No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture

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(248): View more from Michigan

the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone

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(847): View more from Illinois

I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.

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(631): View more from New York

fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it

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(443): View more from Maryland

One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.

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(540): View more from Virginia

The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried

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(407): View more from Florida

We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."

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(661): View more from California

how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?

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(740): View more from Ohio

my lips still taste like vagina

(1-740): View more from Ohio

so you liked breakfast?

(740): View more from Ohio

ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead

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(301): View more from Maryland

he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.

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(847): View more from Illinois

At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.

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(330): View more from Ohio

...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee

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(908): View more from New Jersey

the vacuum is drunk

(703): View more from Virginia

what?

(908): View more from New Jersey

i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk

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(973): View more from New Jersey

she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?

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(305): View more from Florida

I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

How come twittering sounds sexual?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Because of Bambi.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.

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(903): View more from Texas

omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.

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(718): View more from New York

I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.

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(315): View more from New York

His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.

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(+06): View more from

it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..

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(212): View more from New York

You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?

(475): View more from Connecticut

Yeah?

(212): View more from New York

Stuck it in his pooper.

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(702): View more from Nevada

When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

I've always been the spiritual type.

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(718): View more from New York

Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband

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(618): View more from Illinois

he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"

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(416): View more from Ontario

Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator

(908): View more from New Jersey

hello competition

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.

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(817): View more from Texas

you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag

(817): View more from Texas

could you get any more awkward?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

she has a santa fetish

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

cute.

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(207): View more from Maine

Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.

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(206): View more from Washington

he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(417): View more from Missouri

apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...

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(416): View more from Ontario

Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.

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(757): View more from Virginia

i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work

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(203): View more from Connecticut

tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left

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(954): View more from Florida

so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine

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(601): View more from Mississippi

"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.

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(503): View more from Oregon

i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.

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(440): View more from Ohio

tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.

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(813): View more from Florida

Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person

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(208): View more from Idaho

I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.

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(707): View more from California

so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?

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(678): View more from Georgia

he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?

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(631): View more from New York

You only like me because I'm a challenge

(201): View more from New Jersey

You already blew me

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(432): View more from Texas

He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"

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(618): View more from Illinois

remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back

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(207): View more from Maine

I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.

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(954): View more from Florida

everyone is single if you try hard enough

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(216): View more from Ohio

As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.

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(503): View more from Oregon

What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?

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(208): View more from Idaho

all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.

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(352): View more from Florida

I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.

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(417): View more from Missouri

You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?

(573): View more from Missouri

You can't be serious.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me

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(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam

(212): View more from New York

enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening

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(213): View more from California

I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??

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(239): View more from Florida

just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.

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(410): View more from Maryland

In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"

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(646): View more from New York

If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.

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(616): View more from Michigan

You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.

(248): View more from Michigan

no

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(810): View more from Michigan

Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college

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(302): View more from Delaware

I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like

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(251): View more from Alabama

She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.

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(972): View more from Texas

i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer

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(910): View more from North Carolina

easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.

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(443): View more from Maryland

That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs

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(954): View more from Florida

If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.

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(301): View more from Maryland

dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.

(607): View more from New York

Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.

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(325): View more from Texas

I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.

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(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

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(863): View more from Florida

And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard

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(281): View more from Texas

well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"

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(917): View more from New York City

I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.

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(314): View more from Missouri

My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.

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(240): View more from Maryland

this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination

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(209): View more from California

just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?

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(619): View more from California

thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does

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(845): View more from New York

felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Want to have sex later?

(614): View more from Ohio

This feels like a trap

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(702): View more from Nevada

can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt

(702): View more from Nevada

maybe shoes and water too

(702): View more from Nevada

oh and maybe a noose to hang myself

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(949): View more from California

just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."

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(704): View more from North Carolina

It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(479): View more from Arkansas

You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?

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(626): View more from California

Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.

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(315): View more from New York

Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.

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(618): View more from Illinois

oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.

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(661): View more from California

I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.

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(314): View more from Missouri

he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex

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(607): View more from New York

Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?

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(316): View more from Kansas

Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.

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(209): View more from California

Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night

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(714): View more from California

I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.

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(314): View more from Missouri

so how does one go about finding a summer fling?

(214): View more from Texas

take advantage of an intern

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(502): View more from Kentucky

So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?

(1-502): View more from Kentucky

eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.

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(858): View more from California

we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A

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(804): View more from Virginia

god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side

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(818): View more from California

If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.

(323): View more from California

Sounds like a plan.

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(616): View more from Michigan

She acts like you when your on meds

(510): View more from California

She acts like batman?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

fireball beer pong. youre missing out

(732): View more from New Jersey

how is that even possible?

(908): View more from New Jersey

ove gloves.

(732): View more from New Jersey

be there in ten.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home

(248): View more from Michigan

r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?

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(903): View more from Texas

her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.

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(650): View more from California

the ice cream truck is coming omgomg

(1-650): View more from California

dude, it's 2 am.

(650): View more from California

but its COMING

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(407): View more from Florida

If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.

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(434): View more from Virginia

I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?

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(705): View more from Ontario

never. drinking. again.

(1-705): View more from Ontario

lets not get ahead of ourselves.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..

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(213): View more from California

I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.

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(206): View more from Washington

put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.

(763): View more from Minnesota

ew wtf

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(217): View more from Illinois

i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.

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(425): View more from Washington

Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.

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(253): View more from Washington

dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool

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(607): View more from New York

Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.

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(310): View more from California

i fucked a milf yesterday.

(619): View more from California

i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

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(716): View more from New York

I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina

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(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

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(+61): View more from Australia

When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.

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(806): View more from Texas

We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.

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(+49): View more from Germany

Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face

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(949): View more from California

The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

Yeah, but four times?

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(703): View more from Virginia

Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight

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(813): View more from Florida

Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.

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(330): View more from Ohio

She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker

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(914): View more from New York

? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?

(773): View more from Illinois

jesus mom

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(402): View more from Nebraska

What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again

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(843): View more from South Carolina

lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.

(404): View more from Georgia

Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.

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(317): View more from Indiana

and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

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(847): View more from Illinois

Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party

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(248): View more from Michigan

What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.

(810): View more from Michigan

I think you know the answer.

(248): View more from Michigan

How can I marinade myself in Vodka?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed

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(850): View more from Florida

So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.

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(240): View more from Maryland

you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?

(201): View more from New Jersey

obviously you're part succubus.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?

(410): View more from Maryland

The recession has changed everything man.

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(518): View more from New York

I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.

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(269): View more from Michigan

did you hook up austin?

(248): View more from Michigan

No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed

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(908): View more from New Jersey

it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere

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(440): View more from Ohio

wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant

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(916): View more from California

I hate ducks.

(916): View more from California

What?

(916): View more from California

they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.

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(281): View more from Texas

I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.

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(661): View more from California

new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?

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(734): View more from Michigan

i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?

(1-574): View more from Indiana

Predator. Straight up.

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(44): View more from England

What's everyones problem with my costume?!

(1-44): View more from England

It looks like a unicorn came on your face.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand

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(513): View more from Ohio

I hate bills.

(479): View more from Arkansas

Like ones you have to pay or people named William?

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(669): View more from California

I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Good morning to you

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(309): View more from Illinois

i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

(309): View more from Illinois

so finals studying is going well?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

Dude, if you don't take her, I will.

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(916): View more from California

It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.

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(530): View more from California

I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

(1-530): View more from California

fuck. you.

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(845): View more from New York

He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love

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(251): View more from Alabama

Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his

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(720): View more from Colorado

You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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(845): View more from New York

I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.

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(631): View more from New York

she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?

(516): View more from New York

nope.

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(516): View more from New York

its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved

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(516): View more from New York

I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"

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