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Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
This baby is an asshole
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You dont lie about slip and slides
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
I have to watch that.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann
honey you're def caucasian
i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Are we still banned from the library?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Found your dick twin last night
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Let's paint friendship bongs
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
We talked him into tasing himself.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
We just shotgunned beers for America
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
We had to coat check the pizza.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
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