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In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I didn't notice because vodka
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
This baby is an asshole
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
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