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I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
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