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My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
This baby is an asshole
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Found the puke drawer
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I wish I only lived at night.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You dont lie about slip and slides
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i was born a porn star she said
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
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