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Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
this will be a night to untag.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
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