Texts From Last Night · Rikoshi's Favorites

Rikoshi's Favorites Texts:

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(317): View more from Indiana

I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.

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(317): I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one. http://tfl.nu/jdn1

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(859): View more from Kentucky

she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?

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(859): she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery? http://tfl.nu/4aiq

Replies (23) Good night (5840) Bad night (421)
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(618): View more from Illinois

This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?

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(618): This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it? http://tfl.nu/yhoj

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(818): View more from California

Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

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(818): Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place http://tfl.nu/xlhx

Replies (56) Good night (14346) Bad night (528)
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(870): View more from Arkansas

he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"

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(870): he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs" http://tfl.nu/uf2c

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(845): View more from New York

officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.

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(845): officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand. http://tfl.nu/8nd1

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(210): View more from Texas

Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.

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(210): Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors. http://tfl.nu/4w9v

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(858): View more from California

No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.

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(858): No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter. http://tfl.nu/lm85

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(828): View more from North Carolina

after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."

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(828): after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...." http://tfl.nu/7e08

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(319): View more from Iowa

captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

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(319): captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL. http://tfl.nu/v9rp

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now

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(832): I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now http://tfl.nu/6g0n

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning

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(859): I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning http://tfl.nu/1f1l

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(302): View more from Delaware

you goin out tonight?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

who is this.

(302): View more from Delaware

your orgasm for tonight

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(302): you goin out tonight? (267): who is this. (302): your orgasm for tonight http://tfl.nu/bzdn

Replies (12) Good night (4579) Bad night (489)
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(513): View more from Ohio

I feel awful

(1-513): View more from Ohio

Physically or morally

(513): View more from Ohio

Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.

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(513): I feel awful (1-513): Physically or morally (513): Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances. http://tfl.nu/3wvv

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(303): View more from Colorado

She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.

(719): View more from Colorado

this better not be you asking for a beej

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(303): She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner. (719): this better not be you asking for a beej http://tfl.nu/u03l

Replies (14) Good night (984) Bad night (2006)
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(713): View more from Texas

OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?

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(713): OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer? http://tfl.nu/g8wt

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(519): View more from Ontario

I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex

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(519): I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex http://tfl.nu/b3wh

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect

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(814): Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect http://tfl.nu/4whi

Replies (4) Good night (4912) Bad night (541)
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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic

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(859): I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic http://tfl.nu/wb2m

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.

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(781): I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path. http://tfl.nu/8tge

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(905): View more from Ontario

Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.

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(905): Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out. http://tfl.nu/k7xk

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.

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(913): I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms. (1-913): So you know, I'm making that my facebook status. http://tfl.nu/4s8l

Replies (24) Good night (7198) Bad night (738)
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(660): View more from Missouri

what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?

(816): View more from Missouri

um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan

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(660): what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate? (816): um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan http://tfl.nu/0tla

Replies (11) Good night (7212) Bad night (622)
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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.

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(781): Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave. http://tfl.nu/vplg

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(706): View more from Georgia

He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.

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(706): He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation. http://tfl.nu/vr82

Replies (18) Good night (532) Bad night (2893)
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(920): View more from Wisconsin

You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.

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(920): You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day. http://tfl.nu/y8lp

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa

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(401): I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa http://tfl.nu/56cb

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(904): View more from Florida

he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?

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(904): he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french? http://tfl.nu/ofgx

Replies (23) Good night (6863) Bad night (598)
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(860): View more from Connecticut

MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!

(860): View more from Connecticut

I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo

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(860): MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!! (860): I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo http://tfl.nu/vjys

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?

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(414): Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that? http://tfl.nu/owak

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(574): View more from Indiana

A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.

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(574): A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments. http://tfl.nu/8p58

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.

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(+61): I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog. http://tfl.nu/k4kj

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.

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(973): Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested. http://tfl.nu/rwnz

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(205): View more from Alabama

I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.

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(205): I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend. http://tfl.nu/23o0

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(503): View more from Oregon

I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.

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(503): I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken. http://tfl.nu/j72e

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(514): View more from Quebec

She just gave me a free latte.

(416): View more from Toronto

Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.

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(514): She just gave me a free latte. (416): Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina. http://tfl.nu/g8qo

Replies (7) Good night (3062) Bad night (530)
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(360): View more from Washington

My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.

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(360): My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals. http://tfl.nu/t5jb

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(301): View more from Maryland

A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.

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(301): A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero. http://tfl.nu/wa7o

Replies (17) Good night (4636) Bad night (386)
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(773): View more from Illinois

Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach

(630): View more from Illinois

Me toooooo!! Margaritas

(773): View more from Illinois

I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good

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(773): Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach (630): Me toooooo!! Margaritas (773): I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good http://tfl.nu/3y14

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.

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(978): This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke. (1-978): Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting. http://tfl.nu/cqts

Replies (11) Good night (3188) Bad night (431)
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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.

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(832): You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it. http://tfl.nu/3ywv

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(907): View more from Alaska

If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.

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(907): If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever. http://tfl.nu/sogf

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.

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(978): the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase. http://tfl.nu/thr7

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(206): View more from Washington

My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.

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(206): My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help. http://tfl.nu/31aq

Replies (50) Good night (573) Bad night (9654)
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(307): View more from Wyoming

Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry

(1-307): View more from Wyoming

I'm hurrying

(307): View more from Wyoming

Dude. She just shit herself.

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(307): Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry (1-307): I'm hurrying (307): Dude. She just shit herself. http://tfl.nu/4o8b

Replies (20) Good night (594) Bad night (3635)
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(970): View more from Colorado

I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.

(970): View more from Colorado

I am going to be fat forever.

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(970): I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer. (970): I am going to be fat forever. http://tfl.nu/3hpn

Replies (15) Good night (1164) Bad night (2837)
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(754): View more from Florida

I feel like the other woman.

(954): View more from Florida

You ARE the other woman.

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(754): I feel like the other woman. (954): You ARE the other woman. http://tfl.nu/ryi3

Replies (19) Good night (2739) Bad night (1298)
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(256): View more from Alabama

All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse

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(256): All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse http://tfl.nu/7lt4

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"

(612): View more from Minnesota

Drunk you is pretty stunner.

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(651): Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me" (612): Drunk you is pretty stunner. http://tfl.nu/hyj5

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(706): View more from Georgia

Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out

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(706): Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out http://tfl.nu/wj5z

Replies (31) Good night (1310) Bad night (5371)
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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.

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(608): I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus. http://tfl.nu/i1nm

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(925): View more from California

370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

(1-925): View more from California

what are you doing with your life

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(925): 370HSSV 0773H read that upside down (1-925): what are you doing with your life http://tfl.nu/25tc

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(708): View more from Illinois

For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?

(773): View more from Illinois

To be honest, kinda.

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(708): For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly? (773): To be honest, kinda. http://tfl.nu/5ciz

Replies (13) Good night (1167) Bad night (3508)
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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.

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(902): He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them. http://tfl.nu/vfjc

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.

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(423): Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you. http://tfl.nu/zkpt

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(615): View more from Tennessee

What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job

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(615): What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job http://tfl.nu/r059

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(916): View more from California

you want your laptop back?

(1-916): View more from California

are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?

(916): View more from California

both.

(1-916): View more from California

come over.

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(916): you want your laptop back? (1-916): are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex? (916): both. (1-916): come over. http://tfl.nu/ikpf

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(269): View more from Michigan

Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?

(313): View more from Michigan

death...100% death...what r u planning.

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(269): Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip? (313): death...100% death...what r u planning. http://tfl.nu/azwl

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(425): View more from Washington

Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.

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(425): Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested. http://tfl.nu/cy6p

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(314): View more from Missouri

If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.

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(314): If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die. http://tfl.nu/75m1

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(815): View more from Illinois

at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?

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(815): at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar? http://tfl.nu/ozqc

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(815): View more from Illinois

My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.

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(815): My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again. http://tfl.nu/vh8b

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(903): View more from Texas

Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?

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(903): Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive? http://tfl.nu/hm3a

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(908): View more from New Jersey

almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow

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(908): almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow http://tfl.nu/cscz

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(309): View more from Illinois

Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.

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(309): Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime. http://tfl.nu/y0wv

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(618): View more from Illinois

So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?

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(618): So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date? http://tfl.nu/zipl

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(207): DRUNK CANOEING (804): Please text me if you survive. (207): LAND HO BITCH http://tfl.nu/6y3l

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(210): View more from Texas

Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute

(1-210): View more from Texas

Hello cirrhosis

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(210): Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute (1-210): Hello cirrhosis http://tfl.nu/bpcm

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(248): View more from Michigan

I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is

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(248): I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is http://tfl.nu/r4l9

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(516): View more from New York

Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.

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(516): Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back. http://tfl.nu/h2g1

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?

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(519): I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen? http://tfl.nu/tjza

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face

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(814): I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame. (724): When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face http://tfl.nu/6r6m

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(214): View more from Texas

Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.

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(214): Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman. http://tfl.nu/itkd

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(217): View more from Illinois

If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?

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(217): If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping? http://tfl.nu/vdup

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(513): View more from Ohio

He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.

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(513): He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit. http://tfl.nu/4hrv

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(256): View more from Alabama

I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.

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(256): I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self. http://tfl.nu/pw1v

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(917): View more from New York City

Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.

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(917): Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor. http://tfl.nu/lzwd

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(757): View more from Virginia

I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here

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(757): I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here http://tfl.nu/86vy

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(347): View more from New York

asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.

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(347): asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people. http://tfl.nu/r17b

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks. (440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf? (216): Holy shit r u serious? How? (440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you. http://tfl.nu/xwoo

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

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(902): and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted. http://tfl.nu/575h

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad

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(308): I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad http://tfl.nu/3y6v

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(815): View more from Illinois

Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".

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(815): Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime". http://tfl.nu/6eu2

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."

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(601): You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka." http://tfl.nu/g6um

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(903): View more from Texas

EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT

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(903): EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT http://tfl.nu/usnf

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(303): View more from Colorado

No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.

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(303): No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck. http://tfl.nu/2tgn

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?

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(919): Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again? http://tfl.nu/p959

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(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.

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(303): Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize. http://tfl.nu/r92i

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(573): View more from Missouri

Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina

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(573): Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina http://tfl.nu/35k1

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(310): View more from California

Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.

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(310): Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate. http://tfl.nu/vwb7

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(417): View more from Missouri

When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.

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(417): When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion. http://tfl.nu/easp

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(804): View more from Virginia

My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.

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(804): My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her. http://tfl.nu/xqm6

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(289): View more from Ontario

Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.

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(289): Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger. http://tfl.nu/9mbe

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(208): View more from Idaho

I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.

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(208): I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind. http://tfl.nu/h3pw

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.

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(715): I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today. http://tfl.nu/aa1v

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?

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(715): hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes? http://tfl.nu/o98x

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(443): View more from Maryland

you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.

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(443): you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life. http://tfl.nu/pccz

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up

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(859): Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up http://tfl.nu/e5lq

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(512): View more from Texas

I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.

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(512): I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America. http://tfl.nu/x9dk

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(360): View more from Washington

Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.

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(360): Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head. http://tfl.nu/n0gh

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.

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(732): I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life. http://tfl.nu/df5q

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(713): View more from Texas

Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.

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(713): Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner. http://tfl.nu/89n9

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.

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(203): Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being. http://tfl.nu/247a

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13

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(781): after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13 http://tfl.nu/mex2

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(573): View more from Missouri

There's always time for handjobs

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(573): There's always time for handjobs http://tfl.nu/m1ol

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers

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(910): I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers http://tfl.nu/vom9

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.

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(610): Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it. http://tfl.nu/tp8b

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines

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(603): Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines http://tfl.nu/hhep

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(318): View more from Louisiana

When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias

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(318): When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias http://tfl.nu/7mik

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(515): View more from Iowa

oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer

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(515): oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer http://tfl.nu/4g9e

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(406): View more from Montana

you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob

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(406): you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob http://tfl.nu/ha8t

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(828): View more from North Carolina

You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt

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(828): You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt http://tfl.nu/0h7j

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.

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(931): Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex. http://tfl.nu/b52l

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.

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(832): I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella. http://tfl.nu/jiup

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(903): View more from Texas

We talked him into tasing himself.

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(903): We talked him into tasing himself. http://tfl.nu/jtjc

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.

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(402): Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low. http://tfl.nu/bkkz

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.

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(973): I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night. http://tfl.nu/b0w0

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(407): View more from Florida

I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.

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(407): I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight. http://tfl.nu/a28b

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series

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(402): Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series http://tfl.nu/c4pq

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(530): View more from California

Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.

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(530): Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity. http://tfl.nu/17zq

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(905): View more from Ontario

Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.

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(905): Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up. http://tfl.nu/c9v7

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(952): View more from Minnesota

On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it

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(952): On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it http://tfl.nu/wltj

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.

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(306): I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park. http://tfl.nu/fvsb

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(574): View more from Indiana

It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.

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(574): It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later. http://tfl.nu/qtru

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(301): View more from Maryland

I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.

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(301): I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation. http://tfl.nu/sh4c

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know

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(608): I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know http://tfl.nu/g581

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home

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(918): I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home http://tfl.nu/noo6

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(309): View more from Illinois

I stole so many things from the ER last night.

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(309): I stole so many things from the ER last night. http://tfl.nu/lt6b

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(651): View more from Minnesota

saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.

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(651): saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort. http://tfl.nu/ekj0

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(423): View more from Tennessee

She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.

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(423): She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21. http://tfl.nu/keb8

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(254): View more from Texas

There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.

(512): View more from Texas

That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.

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(254): There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option. (512): That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too. http://tfl.nu/lz3p

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(727): View more from Florida

Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.

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(727): Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago. http://tfl.nu/0eob

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(207): View more from Maine

I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling

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(207): I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling http://tfl.nu/w1qs

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(619): View more from California

Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings

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(619): Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings http://tfl.nu/z81c

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(281): View more from Texas

WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!

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(281): WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?! http://tfl.nu/4ghk

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(530): View more from California

for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.

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(530): for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs. http://tfl.nu/et1w

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday

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(320): Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday http://tfl.nu/a582

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(303): View more from Colorado

its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn

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(303): its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn http://tfl.nu/fhqp

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(860): View more from Connecticut

the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.

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(860): the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real. http://tfl.nu/2bbh

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(207): View more from Maine

She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks

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(207): She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks http://tfl.nu/sgso

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(706): View more from Georgia

Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.

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(706): Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj. http://tfl.nu/1t4c

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(503): View more from Oregon

All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?

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(503): All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for? http://tfl.nu/oe9a

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(402): View more from Nebraska

when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"

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(402): when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case" http://tfl.nu/zxvf

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(330): View more from Ohio

not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?

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(330): not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up? http://tfl.nu/smja

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(607): View more from New York

The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?

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(607): The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her? http://tfl.nu/qpjw

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?

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(262): Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU? http://tfl.nu/jzba

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(352): View more from Florida

She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.

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(352): She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject. http://tfl.nu/69m3

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.

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(617): I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent. http://tfl.nu/742m

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.

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(405): I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway. http://tfl.nu/1jw1

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(847): View more from Illinois

That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.

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(847): That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year. http://tfl.nu/exle

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

What did you cook with whisky?

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We started a fire.

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(306): We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky. (1-306): What did you cook with whisky? (306): We started a fire. http://tfl.nu/4y3v

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(858): View more from California

for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers

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(858): for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers http://tfl.nu/nh9s

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(214): View more from Texas

If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.

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(214): If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class. http://tfl.nu/5suq

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(224): View more from Illinois

update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.

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(224): update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories. http://tfl.nu/22b8

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(859): View more from Kentucky

The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?

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(859): The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you? http://tfl.nu/o13h

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(925): View more from California

She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.

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(925): She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard. http://tfl.nu/tszy

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(812): View more from Indiana

So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant

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(812): So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant http://tfl.nu/h2w3

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(954): View more from Florida

I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.

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(954): I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure. http://tfl.nu/up4h

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(845): View more from New York

Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.

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(845): Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there. http://tfl.nu/s3qt

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(330): View more from Ohio

All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.

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(330): All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold. http://tfl.nu/zmz2

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.

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(732): You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you. http://tfl.nu/wi1w

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(662): View more from Mississippi

In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"

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(662): In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today" http://tfl.nu/6cpx

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.

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(+44): Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out. http://tfl.nu/bww1

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.

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(843): I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship. http://tfl.nu/ax7l

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(850): View more from Florida

The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.

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(850): The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight. http://tfl.nu/6ch9

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny

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(920): just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny http://tfl.nu/f2gi

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(805): View more from California

Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke

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(805): Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke http://tfl.nu/mqiv

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(513): View more from Ohio

Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?

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(513): Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket? http://tfl.nu/gja3

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates

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(484): scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates http://tfl.nu/oxez

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(817): View more from Texas

He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round

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(817): He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round http://tfl.nu/7y9k

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.

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(+44): Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand. http://tfl.nu/fdqs

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(409): View more from Texas

Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.

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(409): Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me. http://tfl.nu/r0oo

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(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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(317): He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him... (1-317): He's the fucking cop whisperer. http://tfl.nu/3vvt

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(417): View more from Missouri

Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.

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(417): Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever. http://tfl.nu/md7w

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(443): View more from Maryland

this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing

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(443): this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing http://tfl.nu/c7lz

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(406): View more from Montana

i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.

(1-406): View more from Montana

haha i know

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(406): i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt. (1-406): haha i know http://tfl.nu/vo1w

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

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(580): You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose. http://tfl.nu/41p8

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(254): View more from Texas

I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.

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(254): I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me. http://tfl.nu/dyjh

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.

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(513): I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY. http://tfl.nu/5vxl

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(845): View more from New York

Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands

(845): View more from New York

i made a dollar

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(845): Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands (845): i made a dollar http://tfl.nu/0t5e

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.

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(270): Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best. http://tfl.nu/nsnm

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(804): View more from Virginia

she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"

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(804): she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart" http://tfl.nu/96tn

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(518): View more from New York

I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.

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(518): I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold. http://tfl.nu/adho

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(540): View more from Virginia

My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?

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(540): My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project? http://tfl.nu/mcoi

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(440): View more from Ohio

vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?

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(440): vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night? http://tfl.nu/3xi4

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.

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(580): Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me. http://tfl.nu/8lxk

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(734): View more from Michigan

How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?

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(734): How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together? http://tfl.nu/es97

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(817): View more from Texas

I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.

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(817): I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy. http://tfl.nu/amvl

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(858): View more from California

ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL

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(858): ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL http://tfl.nu/gcph

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(760): View more from California

she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.

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(760): she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse. http://tfl.nu/wf42

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning

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(780): downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning http://tfl.nu/3yhr

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(903): View more from Texas

Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.

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(903): Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand. http://tfl.nu/dh2g

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(708): View more from Illinois

We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.

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(708): We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever. http://tfl.nu/e0m4

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...

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(402): Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being... http://tfl.nu/xmjx

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(360): View more from Washington

I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.

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(360): I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer. http://tfl.nu/agxw

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(613): View more from Ontario

Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.

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(613): Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big. http://tfl.nu/u6h6

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(949): View more from California

We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.

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(949): We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom. http://tfl.nu/b4pt

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.

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(267): I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement. http://tfl.nu/314h

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(458): View more from Oregon

Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.

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(458): Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh. http://tfl.nu/m88d

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(716): View more from New York

I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.

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(716): I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward. http://tfl.nu/2euk

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw

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(717): looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw http://tfl.nu/7d00

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(914): View more from New York

He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.

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(914): He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now. http://tfl.nu/ph35

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.

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(402): Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake. http://tfl.nu/294d

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.

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(205): I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab. http://tfl.nu/cf76

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(404): View more from Georgia

Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...

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(404): Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february... http://tfl.nu/39i3

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people

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(401): My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people http://tfl.nu/xhvq

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(562): View more from California

Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser

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(562): Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser http://tfl.nu/nnjn

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(224): View more from Illinois

Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.

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(224): Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it. http://tfl.nu/voj2

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(512): View more from Texas

Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.

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(512): Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge. http://tfl.nu/qm3g

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.

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(781): I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it. http://tfl.nu/04ep

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(609): View more from New Jersey

did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?

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(609): did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes? http://tfl.nu/qlm2

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(786): View more from Florida

HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.

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(786): HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM. http://tfl.nu/yhvq

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good

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(+44): just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good http://tfl.nu/71ko

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.

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(901): I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck. http://tfl.nu/z7fe

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(810): View more from Michigan

Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?

(828): View more from North Carolina

Is it working?

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(810): Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ? (828): Is it working? http://tfl.nu/tjek

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(905): View more from Ontario

I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings

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(905): I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings http://tfl.nu/jatg

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(416): View more from Toronto

Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.

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(416): Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender. http://tfl.nu/ts7y

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(831): View more from California

So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.

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(831): So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that. http://tfl.nu/tpz4

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(416): View more from Toronto

He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.

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(416): He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex. http://tfl.nu/exbo

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am

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(201): I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am http://tfl.nu/u8uu

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(408): View more from California

he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."

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(408): he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink." http://tfl.nu/8gq0

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(419): View more from Ohio

fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.

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(419): fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back. http://tfl.nu/wq3e

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(443): View more from Maryland

where are you?

(240): View more from Maryland

Hypothermia

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(443): where are you? (240): Hypothermia http://tfl.nu/1rtk

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you

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(215): i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you http://tfl.nu/4yxe

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(330): View more from Ohio

Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?

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(330): Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home? http://tfl.nu/9062

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome

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(+64): Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome http://tfl.nu/lxnn

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(843): View more from South Carolina

We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again

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(843): We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again http://tfl.nu/w71h

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(650): View more from California

I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes

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(650): I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes http://tfl.nu/pban

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(909): View more from California

If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?

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(909): If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night? http://tfl.nu/ont9

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(716): View more from New York

I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.

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(716): I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable. http://tfl.nu/tziy

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(705): View more from Ontario

All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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(705): All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail. http://tfl.nu/tpxz

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times

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(330): I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times http://tfl.nu/rqlm

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning

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(856): Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning http://tfl.nu/91gn

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(619): View more from California

i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already

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(619): i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already http://tfl.nu/q3zb

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(616): View more from Michigan

what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?

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(616): what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame? http://tfl.nu/ixm6

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.

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(724): Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is. http://tfl.nu/bxv0

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(516): View more from New York

That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.

(1-516): View more from New York

yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.

(516): View more from New York

Do you have to put it that way?

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(516): That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him. (1-516): yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him. (516): Do you have to put it that way? http://tfl.nu/hbgy

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(512): View more from Texas

He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.

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(512): He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice. http://tfl.nu/cehn

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(416): View more from Toronto

You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..

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(416): You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water.. http://tfl.nu/3ccr

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(620): View more from Kansas

Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.

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(620): Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid. http://tfl.nu/58do

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine

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(412): Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine http://tfl.nu/x929

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(734): View more from Michigan

THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?

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(734): THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!? http://tfl.nu/2mg7

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?

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(778): Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail? http://tfl.nu/fzou

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.

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(412): My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me. http://tfl.nu/dzz5

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

and then ....

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.

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(215): he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas. (1-215): and then .... (215): he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut. http://tfl.nu/qu6h

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(203): View more from Connecticut

This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.

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(203): This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning. http://tfl.nu/sy0s

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(630): View more from Illinois

The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....

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(630): The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time.... http://tfl.nu/q5xm

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(540): View more from Virginia

I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards

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(540): I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards http://tfl.nu/0mpw

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(314): View more from Missouri

I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you

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(314): I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you http://tfl.nu/08lz

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(203): View more from Connecticut

but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room

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(203): but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room http://tfl.nu/z6gy

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.

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(605): I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us. http://tfl.nu/gkw5

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(207): View more from Maine

FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.

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(207): FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS. http://tfl.nu/a3c7

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.

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(763): Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night. http://tfl.nu/r7p2

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(314): View more from Missouri

I drank myself into bisexuality again.

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(314): I drank myself into bisexuality again. http://tfl.nu/eg45

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(716): View more from New York

My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.

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(716): My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu. http://tfl.nu/wnz4

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(801): View more from Utah

Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes

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(801): Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes http://tfl.nu/lgb8

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(404): View more from Georgia

All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.

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(404): All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time. http://tfl.nu/nzqv

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.

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(978): I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now. http://tfl.nu/xddc

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(208): View more from Idaho

What's a "vodkaffle"?

(608): View more from Wisconsin

It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.

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(208): What's a "vodkaffle"? (608): It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix. http://tfl.nu/84eu

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(989): View more from Michigan

you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin

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(989): you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin http://tfl.nu/ftsd

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.

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(405): Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues. http://tfl.nu/ux3u

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(315): View more from New York

I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"

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(315): I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night" http://tfl.nu/prxk

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(631): View more from New York

He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.

(205): View more from Alabama

I hate freshman.

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(631): He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them. (205): I hate freshman. http://tfl.nu/44or

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?

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(778): Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight? http://tfl.nu/8s8e

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.

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(303): I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever. http://tfl.nu/ptta

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(707): View more from California

frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.

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(707): frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it. http://tfl.nu/00co

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Because we had sex in one.

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(919): Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory? (1-919): Because we had sex in one. http://tfl.nu/y2am

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(618): View more from Illinois

My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.

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(618): My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has. http://tfl.nu/36lp

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.

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(570): he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough. http://tfl.nu/fko8

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(256): View more from Alabama

she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump

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(256): she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump http://tfl.nu/on8v

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?

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(330): Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling? http://tfl.nu/xujd

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(315): View more from New York

I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.

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(315): I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill. http://tfl.nu/1t9o

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.

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(201): Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday. http://tfl.nu/gpxr

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(816): View more from Missouri

He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

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(816): He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork. http://tfl.nu/6zkt

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(909): View more from California

Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?

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(909): Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person? http://tfl.nu/yet0

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(425): View more from Washington

four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone

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(425): four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone http://tfl.nu/zkvp

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(352): View more from Florida

My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.

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(352): My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone. http://tfl.nu/x5d3

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.

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(814): Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now. http://tfl.nu/xg11

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?

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(+44): Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill? http://tfl.nu/844o

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(713): View more from Texas

Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?

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(713): Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order? http://tfl.nu/nfxj

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Am I supposed to find that romantic?

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(412): I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts (1-412): Am I supposed to find that romantic? http://tfl.nu/carb

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(660): View more from Missouri

We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out

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(660): We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out http://tfl.nu/p80s

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.

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(250): Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late. http://tfl.nu/oeer

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(317): View more from Indiana

Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?

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(317): Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume? http://tfl.nu/reh6

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(517): View more from Michigan

i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend

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(517): i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend http://tfl.nu/by4o

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(518): View more from New York

you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was

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(518): you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was http://tfl.nu/ydfc

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(845): View more from New York

her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.

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(845): her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together. http://tfl.nu/creu

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(646): View more from New York

I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.

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(646): I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot. http://tfl.nu/r2lr

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(407): View more from Florida

And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.

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(407): And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword. http://tfl.nu/gcmk

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(702): View more from Nevada

Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.

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(702): Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent. http://tfl.nu/4is5

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(239): View more from Florida

they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out

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(239): they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out http://tfl.nu/ncls

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze

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(402): Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze http://tfl.nu/3a8k

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(913): View more from Kansas

The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.

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(913): The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight. http://tfl.nu/vdus

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(734): View more from Michigan

Walk of Shame today included voting.

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(734): Walk of Shame today included voting. http://tfl.nu/glwh

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(904): View more from Florida

masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap

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(904): masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap http://tfl.nu/sdgt

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(310): View more from California

If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is

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(310): If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is http://tfl.nu/w3co

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(201): View more from New Jersey

dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla

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(201): dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla http://tfl.nu/0yq4

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.

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(570): I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever. http://tfl.nu/cjv6

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(804): View more from Virginia

They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.

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(804): They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones. http://tfl.nu/bfce

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.

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(413): All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet. http://tfl.nu/zopf

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(925): View more from California

I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??

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(925): I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing?? http://tfl.nu/da8e

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(605): View more from South Dakota

For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.

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(605): For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell. http://tfl.nu/5mii

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.

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(412): he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart. http://tfl.nu/72dk

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(512): View more from Texas

On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!

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(512): On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!! http://tfl.nu/5462

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(281): View more from Texas

Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?

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(281): Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"? http://tfl.nu/nflv

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(630): View more from Illinois

He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.

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(630): He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together. http://tfl.nu/tn1p

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(626): View more from California

All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.

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(626): All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me. http://tfl.nu/0mc8

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(773): View more from Illinois

grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.

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(773): grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet. http://tfl.nu/onit

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.

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(218): Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there. http://tfl.nu/e7vr

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(845): View more from New York

i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out

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(845): i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out http://tfl.nu/p8nx

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.

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(404): Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits. http://tfl.nu/2cej

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(905): View more from Ontario

They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.

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(905): They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend. http://tfl.nu/j59u

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(347): View more from New York

Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"

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(347): Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight" http://tfl.nu/561l

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(702): View more from Nevada

i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life

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(702): i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life http://tfl.nu/bh2z

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(314): hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then? (636): Yup. (314): Yup. http://tfl.nu/bp2u

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(214): View more from Texas

That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.

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(214): That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed. http://tfl.nu/6ncx

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(810): View more from Michigan

Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.

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(810): Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there. http://tfl.nu/7hmv

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(757): View more from Virginia

1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat

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(757): 1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat http://tfl.nu/2xgh

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(+32): View more from Belgium

this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk

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(+32): this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk http://tfl.nu/muj2

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(626): View more from California

It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.

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(626): It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom. http://tfl.nu/eowy

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(804): View more from Virginia

it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate

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(804): it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate http://tfl.nu/8imj

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(315): View more from New York

i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.

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(315): i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over. http://tfl.nu/n0ys

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.

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(724): Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over. http://tfl.nu/rd2c

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You could give me a blowjob later? :)

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I meant do something romantic..

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Blowjob In the moonlight?

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(321): You could give me a blowjob later? :) (1-321): I meant do something romantic.. (321): Blowjob In the moonlight? http://tfl.nu/na1u

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(615): View more from Tennessee

If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?

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(615): If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen? http://tfl.nu/ze7l

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(315): View more from New York

I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.

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(315): I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse. http://tfl.nu/tyw2

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.

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(601): Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit. http://tfl.nu/lbl1

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..

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(902): i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see.. http://tfl.nu/ubpf

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(301): View more from Maryland

I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.

(704): View more from North Carolina

How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?

(301): View more from Maryland

Salt in an open wound right now.

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(301): I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job. (704): How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore? (301): Salt in an open wound right now. http://tfl.nu/m9a1

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(512): View more from Texas

I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.

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(512): I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship. http://tfl.nu/fnhf

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(813): View more from Florida

If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure

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(813): If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure http://tfl.nu/itoo

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(250): View more from British Columbia

If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.

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(250): If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour. http://tfl.nu/xxvi

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

That doesn't help me much...

(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm right under the moon!

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(604): Come find me please? Im in a ditch. (1-604): That doesn't help me much... (604): I'm right under the moon! http://tfl.nu/u7hc

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(714): View more from California

no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you

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(714): no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you http://tfl.nu/e8y7

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.

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(404): I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway. http://tfl.nu/geao

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(410): View more from Maryland

Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?

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(410): Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants? http://tfl.nu/24sn

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...

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(484): someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again... http://tfl.nu/xp70

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...

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(715): i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend... http://tfl.nu/erib

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS

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(508): so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS http://tfl.nu/purw

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(514): View more from Quebec

i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving

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(514): i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving http://tfl.nu/yrvc

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you

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(570): If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you http://tfl.nu/x3pe

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes

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(832): either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes http://tfl.nu/ezez

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(561): View more from Florida

he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him

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(561): he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him http://tfl.nu/gz84

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(419): View more from Ohio

I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"

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(419): I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion" http://tfl.nu/b5an

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon

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(+44): He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon http://tfl.nu/s25m

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.

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(202): Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30. http://tfl.nu/8g1h

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(805): View more from California

You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.

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(805): You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed. http://tfl.nu/chu6

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.

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(828): I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick. http://tfl.nu/fiht

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(816): View more from Missouri

He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.

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(816): He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner. http://tfl.nu/o8kh

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(330): View more from Ohio

I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.

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(330): I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face. http://tfl.nu/5edg

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(+06): View more from

We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.

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(+06): We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away. http://tfl.nu/dvn1

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(817): View more from Texas

I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death

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(817): I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death http://tfl.nu/7rv2

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell

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(318): I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell http://tfl.nu/2gyi

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(330): View more from Ohio

I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!

(1-330): View more from Ohio

is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?

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(330): I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam! (1-330): is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar? http://tfl.nu/c4pf

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(469): View more from Texas

I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.

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(469): I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs. http://tfl.nu/36r0

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(631): View more from New York

lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon

(1-631): View more from New York

wow.

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(631): lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon (1-631): wow. http://tfl.nu/6n98

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(519): View more from Ontario

ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.

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(519): ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry. http://tfl.nu/wsym

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(954): View more from Florida

Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.

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(954): Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka. http://tfl.nu/l16y

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(917): View more from New York City

I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.

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(917): I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home. http://tfl.nu/9xms

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob

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(978): nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob http://tfl.nu/cycw

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(213): View more from California

Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.

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(213): Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans. http://tfl.nu/11hu

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(817): View more from Texas

Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3

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(817): Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3 http://tfl.nu/4ua9

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(703): View more from Virginia

he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh

(1-703): View more from Virginia

be sure to add "office slut" to your resume

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(703): he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh (1-703): be sure to add "office slut" to your resume http://tfl.nu/3kje

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(908): View more from New Jersey

was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.

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(908): was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone. http://tfl.nu/nbte

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...

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(270): I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in... http://tfl.nu/1w40

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(303): View more from Colorado

there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome

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(303): there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome http://tfl.nu/x7k0

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?

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(918): Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet? http://tfl.nu/ki3z

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(480): View more from Arizona

... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?

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(480): ... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen? http://tfl.nu/sppe

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(312): View more from Illinois

Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday

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(312): Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday http://tfl.nu/xsly

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.

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(413): the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings. http://tfl.nu/xbcs

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(605): View more from South Dakota

You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.

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(605): You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home. http://tfl.nu/7njn

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(469): View more from Texas

The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.

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(469): The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig. http://tfl.nu/4p0a

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(816): View more from Missouri

My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.

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(816): My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost. http://tfl.nu/27qj

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(904): View more from Florida

she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...

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(904): she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room... http://tfl.nu/wehm

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(314): View more from Missouri

Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.

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(314): Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day. http://tfl.nu/blek

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.

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(262): I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical. http://tfl.nu/ictl

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(678): View more from Georgia

Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.

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(678): Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless. http://tfl.nu/cahf

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(212): View more from New York

It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.

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(212): It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls. http://tfl.nu/fa0p

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(801): View more from Utah

Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?

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(801): Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch? http://tfl.nu/p8up

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(734): View more from Michigan

What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"

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(734): What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?" http://tfl.nu/tcpf

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(314): View more from Missouri

every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.

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(314): every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar. http://tfl.nu/8pyq

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(636): View more from Missouri

I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high

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(636): I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high http://tfl.nu/wyfj

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.

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(612): Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore. http://tfl.nu/3jmh

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(707): View more from California

I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already

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(707): I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already http://tfl.nu/x0ls

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(510): View more from California

Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.

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(510): Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day. http://tfl.nu/kbev

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(636): View more from Missouri

& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'

(636): View more from Missouri

HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!

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(636): & he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut' (636): HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!! http://tfl.nu/1ay1

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(703): View more from Virginia

You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job

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(703): You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job http://tfl.nu/in54

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes

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(479): I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes http://tfl.nu/u839

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up

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(920): he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up http://tfl.nu/v5zl

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.

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(704): Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining. http://tfl.nu/owux

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(216): View more from Ohio

So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail

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(216): So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail http://tfl.nu/m6e0

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(801): View more from Utah

we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious

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(801): we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious http://tfl.nu/ejqb

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(513): View more from Ohio

Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.

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(513): Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this. http://tfl.nu/ipvr

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(303): View more from Colorado

Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....

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(303): Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic.... http://tfl.nu/nllq

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?

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(978): What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax? http://tfl.nu/zknj

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(404): View more from Georgia

you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship

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(404): you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship http://tfl.nu/msif

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(559): View more from California

Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10

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(559): Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10 http://tfl.nu/1xln

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(586): View more from Michigan

he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.

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(586): he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great. http://tfl.nu/bqct

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome

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(609): You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome http://tfl.nu/6r0p

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(734): View more from Michigan

Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.

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(734): Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable. http://tfl.nu/e8ez

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(954): View more from Florida

8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.

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(954): 8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on. http://tfl.nu/8x7p

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(404): View more from Georgia

I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.

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(404): I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play. http://tfl.nu/jglo

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(630): View more from Illinois

So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong

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(630): So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong http://tfl.nu/7whz

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(765): View more from Indiana

the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....

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(765): the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians.... http://tfl.nu/hvak

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(631): View more from New York

You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.

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(631): You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it. http://tfl.nu/dj6o

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(360): View more from Washington

Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.

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(360): Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night. http://tfl.nu/91du

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(509): View more from Washington

She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center

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(509): She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center http://tfl.nu/9ea5

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(210): View more from Texas

I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.

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(210): I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast. http://tfl.nu/qvgk

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(214): View more from Texas

i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.

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(214): i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night. http://tfl.nu/pbft

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways

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(203): I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways http://tfl.nu/010i

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(712): View more from Iowa

He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.

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(712): He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him. http://tfl.nu/xqld

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(732): View more from New Jersey

This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.

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(732): This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together. http://tfl.nu/028o

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(719): View more from Colorado

we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall

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(719): we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall http://tfl.nu/c3tv

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower

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(250): I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower http://tfl.nu/dtnj

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about

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(218): Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about http://tfl.nu/idfh

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid

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(306): How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid http://tfl.nu/1mq4

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(503): View more from Oregon

Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.

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(503): Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter. http://tfl.nu/kpej

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(870): View more from Arkansas

What's the big deal? you guys fuck

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times

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(870): What's the big deal? you guys fuck (1-870): 3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times http://tfl.nu/e13u

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(415): View more from California

Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.

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(415): Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting. http://tfl.nu/yl2c

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower

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(270): The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower http://tfl.nu/ihik

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(330): View more from Ohio

Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?

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(330): Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway? http://tfl.nu/zrwz

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(585): View more from New York

Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello

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(585): Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello http://tfl.nu/squi

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you

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(780): I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you http://tfl.nu/csm9

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(901): View more from Tennessee

we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever

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(901): we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever http://tfl.nu/yt63

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(404): View more from Georgia

Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.

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(404): Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore. http://tfl.nu/eu8g

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(810): View more from Michigan

Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.

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(810): Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life. http://tfl.nu/9d1q

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(856): View more from New Jersey

My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?

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(856): My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic? http://tfl.nu/h7hc

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(323): View more from California

Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.

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(323): Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy. http://tfl.nu/58l0

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(253): View more from Washington

Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out

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(253): Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out http://tfl.nu/bygf

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(916): View more from California

It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.

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(916): It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her. http://tfl.nu/zc22

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(516): View more from New York

making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"

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(516): making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage" http://tfl.nu/jy1p

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(614): View more from Ohio

I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.

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(614): I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision. http://tfl.nu/xp34

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(703): View more from Virginia

She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.

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(703): She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself. http://tfl.nu/tn32

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(205): View more from Alabama

i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.

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(205): i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail. http://tfl.nu/mxx0

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room

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(978): Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room http://tfl.nu/x49g

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(408): View more from California

He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.

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(408): He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it. http://tfl.nu/0bv4

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(205): View more from Alabama

She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.

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(205): She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends. http://tfl.nu/ogdq

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(510): View more from California

Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.

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(510): Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing. http://tfl.nu/5987

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.

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(401): I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails. http://tfl.nu/8vyo

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(443): View more from Maryland

I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to

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(443): I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to http://tfl.nu/dg5k

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(845): View more from New York

What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know

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(845): What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know http://tfl.nu/y6wb

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.

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(501): Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to. http://tfl.nu/4qds

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(970): View more from Colorado

She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.

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(970): She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat. http://tfl.nu/yazk

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night

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(843): Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night http://tfl.nu/lokc

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet

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(215): Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet http://tfl.nu/qzss

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(812): View more from Indiana

They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.

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(812): They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban. http://tfl.nu/cwx8

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets

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(413): How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets http://tfl.nu/sjge

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(408): View more from California

I don't have enough holes for all these australians

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(408): I don't have enough holes for all these australians http://tfl.nu/dq24

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked

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(412): We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked http://tfl.nu/s4j7

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(801): View more from Utah

Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.

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(801): Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon. http://tfl.nu/ouiw

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(785): View more from Kansas

I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.

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(785): I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well. http://tfl.nu/l51l

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever

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(919): I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever http://tfl.nu/iy56

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?

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(803): Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything? http://tfl.nu/hmy2

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(503): View more from Oregon

i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text

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(503): i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text http://tfl.nu/7lw4

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(678): View more from Georgia

When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.

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(678): When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick. http://tfl.nu/i6to

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(661): View more from California

So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?

(818): View more from California

I hate you.

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(661): So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night? (818): I hate you. http://tfl.nu/ps95

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(817): View more from Texas

All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning

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(817): All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning http://tfl.nu/qcnv

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(214): View more from Texas

So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far

(713): View more from Texas

Sounds better than last semester

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(214): So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far (713): Sounds better than last semester http://tfl.nu/9h5w

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(703): View more from Virginia

He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job

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(703): He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job http://tfl.nu/934s

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times

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(978): Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times http://tfl.nu/be2v

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(607): View more from New York

Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high

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(607): Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high http://tfl.nu/24mk

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(248): View more from Michigan

She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.

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(248): She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds. http://tfl.nu/bean

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(206): View more from Washington

That's why there are breakfast margaritas.

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(206): That's why there are breakfast margaritas. http://tfl.nu/dzi9

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(513): View more from Ohio

successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here

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(513): successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here http://tfl.nu/y491

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(330): View more from Ohio

After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.

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(330): After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant. http://tfl.nu/zp63

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(519): View more from Ontario

he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes

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(519): he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes http://tfl.nu/rvmv

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(519): View more from Ontario

He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.

(604): View more from British Columbia

HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES

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(519): He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid. (604): HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES http://tfl.nu/zs3p

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(206): View more from Washington

I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.

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(206): I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time. http://tfl.nu/0r8g

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon

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(403): well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon http://tfl.nu/7c63

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(443): View more from Maryland

Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.

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(443): Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that. http://tfl.nu/hvnx

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.

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(832): Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is. http://tfl.nu/odjy

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(618): View more from Illinois

Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.

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(618): Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar. http://tfl.nu/mv1g

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(801): View more from Utah

that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow

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(801): that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow http://tfl.nu/5dzd

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(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

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(253): The pine trees are waving at me. (907): Put the pipe down honey. (253): Hi trees. http://tfl.nu/6b23

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?

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(412): Why are there maracas in the dishwasher? http://tfl.nu/o2j7

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(630): View more from Illinois

It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table

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(630): It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table http://tfl.nu/i2oz

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"

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(508): this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes" http://tfl.nu/1j0f

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(247): View more from

Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.

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(247): Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me. http://tfl.nu/wk5w

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(+33): View more from France

how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?

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(+33): how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men? http://tfl.nu/4scz

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(716): View more from New York

So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.

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(716): So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building. http://tfl.nu/resy

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(206): View more from Washington

i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin

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(206): i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin http://tfl.nu/oy4z

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(856): View more from New Jersey

it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.

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(856): it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar. http://tfl.nu/5cy5

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.

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(610): So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way. http://tfl.nu/846z

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.

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(202): I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out. http://tfl.nu/ga8t

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.

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(405): You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up. http://tfl.nu/06n7

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(856): View more from New Jersey

nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends

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(856): nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends http://tfl.nu/ghdi

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(705): View more from Ontario

i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.

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(705): i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding. http://tfl.nu/t3vj

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you

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(414): There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you http://tfl.nu/ku1m

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(817): View more from Texas

When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.

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(817): When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar. http://tfl.nu/ucur

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(917): View more from New York City

the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.

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(917): the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there. http://tfl.nu/q6gx

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(303): View more from Colorado

One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

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(303): One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud. http://tfl.nu/mlmc

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(217): View more from Illinois

I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?

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(217): I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college? http://tfl.nu/03bi

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.

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(603): You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing. http://tfl.nu/vk7w

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!

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(202): My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin! http://tfl.nu/ygvu

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(909): View more from California

I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine

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(909): I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine http://tfl.nu/d6oy

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(250): View more from British Columbia

When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?

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(250): When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to? http://tfl.nu/e636

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(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

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(303): Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever http://tfl.nu/gvxq

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(315): View more from New York

don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there

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(315): don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there http://tfl.nu/ybdj

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(256): View more from Alabama

Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....

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(256): Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea.... http://tfl.nu/8lgf

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(904): View more from Florida

Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.

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(904): Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do. http://tfl.nu/0tan

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(620): View more from Kansas

She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever

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(620): She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever http://tfl.nu/3n5f

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(307): View more from Wyoming

The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story

(307): View more from Wyoming

The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.

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(307): The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story (307): The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant. http://tfl.nu/nooi

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back

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(+44): Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back http://tfl.nu/tdhe

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(773): View more from Illinois

literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in

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(773): literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in http://tfl.nu/d9qi

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(289): View more from Ontario

The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.

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(289): The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight. http://tfl.nu/z22w

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(301): View more from Maryland

The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"

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(301): The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football" http://tfl.nu/o0mi

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(727): View more from Florida

would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?

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(727): would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right? http://tfl.nu/emka

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(703): View more from Virginia

relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks

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(703): relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks http://tfl.nu/2hg2

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(425): View more from Washington

Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me

(1-425): View more from Washington

Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.

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(425): Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me (1-425): Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about. http://tfl.nu/mflc

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?

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(413): She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy? http://tfl.nu/obto

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.

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(724): About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore. http://tfl.nu/twc0

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(954): View more from Florida

Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend

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(954): Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend http://tfl.nu/zfzy

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..

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(606): Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley.. http://tfl.nu/q4d8

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.

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(502): I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time. http://tfl.nu/ujel

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.

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(402): I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying. http://tfl.nu/o8p1

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(956): View more from Texas

Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

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(956): Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..." http://tfl.nu/geex

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(678): View more from Georgia

Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.

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(678): Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce. http://tfl.nu/g2ub

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

(732): View more from New Jersey

like it was yesterday

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(240): Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra? (732): like it was yesterday http://tfl.nu/1org

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.

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(402): On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms. http://tfl.nu/59ye

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(607): View more from New York

please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already

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(607): please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already http://tfl.nu/5kxb

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.

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(803): He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex. http://tfl.nu/kpvm

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(443): View more from Maryland

In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'

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(443): In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.' http://tfl.nu/dm32

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(856): View more from New Jersey

he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

no pressure.

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(856): he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him. (215): no pressure. http://tfl.nu/wyu7

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(586): View more from Michigan

he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.

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(586): he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck. http://tfl.nu/s6ky

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(301): View more from Maryland

Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed

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(301): Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed http://tfl.nu/1voz

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you

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(402): Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you http://tfl.nu/279j

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.

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(267): just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go. http://tfl.nu/i3o2

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(+61): View more from Australia

She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...

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(+61): She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was... http://tfl.nu/7mx1

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(931): View more from Tennessee

and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear

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(931): and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear http://tfl.nu/30cm

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(585): View more from New York

just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.

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(585): just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse. http://tfl.nu/g20v

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.

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(303): I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate. http://tfl.nu/1fh9

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(803): View more from South Carolina

i cant cry in cvs. not again.

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(803): i cant cry in cvs. not again. http://tfl.nu/7epn

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(303): View more from Colorado

so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name

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(303): so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name http://tfl.nu/x1lq

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(361): View more from Texas

Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?

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(361): Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one? http://tfl.nu/k16y

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(425): View more from Washington

This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son

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(425): This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son http://tfl.nu/qxal

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?

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(601): Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her? http://tfl.nu/n019

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat

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(270): Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat http://tfl.nu/vugk

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(404): View more from Georgia

He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.

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(404): He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful. http://tfl.nu/q2qd

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(520): View more from Arizona

She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.

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(520): She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist. http://tfl.nu/mma2

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?

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(412): You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy? http://tfl.nu/p3a3

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(636): View more from Missouri

The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'

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(636): The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.' http://tfl.nu/hueh

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.

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(218): Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job. http://tfl.nu/z804

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(616): View more from Michigan

So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.

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(616): So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together. http://tfl.nu/gv0c

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(701): View more from North Dakota

how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?

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(701): how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am? http://tfl.nu/mmwh

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(678): View more from Georgia

He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it

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(678): He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it http://tfl.nu/jk9d

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.

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(401): All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it. http://tfl.nu/0ldz

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(303): View more from Colorado

I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff

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(303): I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff http://tfl.nu/0hbk

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(805): View more from California

you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible

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(805): you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible http://tfl.nu/6jjf

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.

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(231): I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay. http://tfl.nu/7ezq

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma

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(402): Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma http://tfl.nu/lc92

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(252): View more from North Carolina

so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.

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(252): so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream. http://tfl.nu/3wg7

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!

(508): View more from Massachusetts

because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.

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(401): she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch! (508): because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking. http://tfl.nu/qlq5

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now

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(403): I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now http://tfl.nu/plpv

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(661): View more from California

Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.

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(661): Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple. http://tfl.nu/553h

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(614): View more from Ohio

I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society

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(614): I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society http://tfl.nu/ns4r

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night

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(803): Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night http://tfl.nu/ewza

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(647): View more from Ontario

Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list

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(647): Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list http://tfl.nu/yikq

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(315): View more from New York

We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.

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(315): We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits. http://tfl.nu/d5s5

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(419): View more from Ohio

I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.

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(419): I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars. http://tfl.nu/ussa

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(303): View more from Colorado

She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.

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(303): She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love. http://tfl.nu/koii

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(206): View more from Washington

Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.

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(206): Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night. http://tfl.nu/zl6t

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(434): View more from Virginia

I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.

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(434): I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever. http://tfl.nu/fuow

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(740): View more from Ohio

Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.

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(740): Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party. http://tfl.nu/kjr7

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(646): View more from New York

So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.

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(646): So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex. http://tfl.nu/jc5g

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(818): View more from California

You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.

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(818): You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf. http://tfl.nu/hkre

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(214): View more from Texas

His apartment number was 69. I had to.

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(214): His apartment number was 69. I had to. http://tfl.nu/cn9s

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(318): View more from Louisiana

i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..

(1-318): View more from Louisiana

what?how do you know?

(318): View more from Louisiana

it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.

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(318): i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday.. (1-318): what?how do you know? (318): it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet. http://tfl.nu/gg1h

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(404): View more from Georgia

Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.

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(404): Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party. http://tfl.nu/y163

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(647): View more from Ontario

Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.

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(647): Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch. http://tfl.nu/v8v7

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(504): View more from Louisiana

dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!

(985): View more from Louisiana

doesn't he have a girlfriend???

(504): View more from Louisiana

yeah...who do you think woke us up...

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(504): dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed! (985): doesn't he have a girlfriend??? (504): yeah...who do you think woke us up... http://tfl.nu/43kf

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(703): View more from Virginia

Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.

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(703): Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk. http://tfl.nu/el36

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(850): View more from Florida

I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.

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(850): I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain. http://tfl.nu/8aml

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(678): View more from Georgia

You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"

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(678): You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs" http://tfl.nu/8pn3

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(906): View more from Michigan

Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?

(1-906): View more from Michigan

It's okay.

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(906): Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay? (1-906): It's okay. http://tfl.nu/i6me

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(251): View more from Alabama

You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.

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(251): You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded. http://tfl.nu/84co

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(708): View more from Illinois

I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome

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(708): I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome http://tfl.nu/0ypv

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(908): View more from New Jersey

you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog

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(908): you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog http://tfl.nu/njtd

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other

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(506): All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other http://tfl.nu/mktv

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.

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(413): i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur. http://tfl.nu/9vxg

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(516): View more from New York

i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.

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(516): i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records. http://tfl.nu/e6fm

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme

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(781): the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme http://tfl.nu/i0u7

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.

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(709): I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea. http://tfl.nu/at1w

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people

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(612): I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people http://tfl.nu/8cwf

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(740): View more from Ohio

I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream

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(740): I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream http://tfl.nu/eta2

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(504): View more from Louisiana

how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?

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(504): how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades? http://tfl.nu/s5wu

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.

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(206): I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea. http://tfl.nu/v4ue

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.

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(202): I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her. http://tfl.nu/d96s

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.

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(202): At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us. http://tfl.nu/d8nu

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(609): View more from New Jersey

it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores

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(609): it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores http://tfl.nu/lmvr

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(954): View more from Florida

I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.

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(954): I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals. http://tfl.nu/1tkg

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(808): View more from Hawaii

You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.

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(808): You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him. http://tfl.nu/k2hw

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(503): View more from Oregon

The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck

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(503): The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck http://tfl.nu/nvzw

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?

(1-218): View more from Minnesota

Both?

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(218): Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants? (1-218): Both? http://tfl.nu/yr9r

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(219): View more from Indiana

I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.

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(219): I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window. http://tfl.nu/kuhj

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.

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(973): Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever. http://tfl.nu/k2hn

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(765): View more from Indiana

He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family

(812): View more from Indiana

Not even marginally surprised

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(765): He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family (812): Not even marginally surprised http://tfl.nu/oyoq

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(248): View more from Michigan

he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.

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(248): he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question. http://tfl.nu/v6vq

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(516): View more from New York

I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen

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(516): I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen http://tfl.nu/keq8

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..

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(412): You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off.. http://tfl.nu/ermc

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(661): View more from California

It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.

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(661): It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job. http://tfl.nu/htiz

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(845): View more from New York

I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.

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(845): I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey. http://tfl.nu/3eol

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito

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(617): i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito http://tfl.nu/zxd0

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight

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(336): I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight http://tfl.nu/7krg

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(443): View more from Maryland

We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

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(443): We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status. http://tfl.nu/kzoi

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(509): View more from Washington

They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.

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(509): They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried. http://tfl.nu/h9l8

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(281): View more from Texas

His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled

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(281): His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled http://tfl.nu/gplx

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!

(218): View more from Minnesota

I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.

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(715): Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy! (218): I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head. http://tfl.nu/0svk

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(515): View more from Iowa

the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point

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(515): the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point http://tfl.nu/syrq

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.

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(860): I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think. http://tfl.nu/zuxj

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(305): View more from Florida

I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

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(305): I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave. http://tfl.nu/m7xq

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(850): View more from Florida

Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.

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(850): Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night. http://tfl.nu/mu48

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.

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(717): man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks. http://tfl.nu/cdmu

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.

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(931): I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then. http://tfl.nu/2mcz

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(907): View more from Alaska

She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."

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(907): She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in." http://tfl.nu/4iy3

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?

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(610): So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her? http://tfl.nu/wt2f

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(517): View more from Michigan

The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came

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(517): The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came http://tfl.nu/4ft9

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(908): View more from New Jersey

This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.

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(908): This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend. http://tfl.nu/5cs7

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(706): View more from Georgia

So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.

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(706): So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob. http://tfl.nu/v79f

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(778): View more from British Columbia

You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it

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(778): You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it http://tfl.nu/gf74

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(450): View more from Quebec

I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life

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(450): I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life http://tfl.nu/01gr

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(206): View more from Washington

My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.

(415): View more from California

Why?

(206): View more from Washington

Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.

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(206): My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now. (415): Why? (206): Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch. http://tfl.nu/7w51

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(248): View more from Michigan

To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....

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(248): To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet.... http://tfl.nu/cx4o

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(443): View more from Maryland

Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome

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(443): Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome http://tfl.nu/nq8y

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(270): View more from Kentucky

There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time

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(270): There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time http://tfl.nu/e9de

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(917): View more from New York City

she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her

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(917): she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her http://tfl.nu/pixb

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(574): View more from Indiana

So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore

(209): View more from California

You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?

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(574): So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore (209): You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect? http://tfl.nu/4y0y

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach

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(774): Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach http://tfl.nu/gl5r

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(818): View more from California

I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.

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(818): I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them. http://tfl.nu/l7o1

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.

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(919): Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7. http://tfl.nu/xclk

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(302): View more from Delaware

when are you leaving homes?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51

(302): View more from Delaware

I had a sex dream about Oprah.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

go back to sleep

(302): View more from Delaware

dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.

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(302): when are you leaving homes? (610): it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51 (302): I had a sex dream about Oprah. (610): go back to sleep (302): dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah. http://tfl.nu/idf1

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(386): View more from Florida

You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?

(1-386): View more from Florida

Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.

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(386): You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...? (1-386): Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge. http://tfl.nu/modl

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(207): View more from Maine

So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.

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(207): So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town. http://tfl.nu/b29o

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(906): View more from Michigan

If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?

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(906): If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her? http://tfl.nu/jtlb

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(850): View more from Florida

my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.

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(850): my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster. http://tfl.nu/974x

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(415): View more from California

It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.

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(415): It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend. http://tfl.nu/xojm

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order

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(703): I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order http://tfl.nu/64q0

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(480): View more from Arizona

He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again

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(480): He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again http://tfl.nu/s0mc

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(713): View more from Texas

As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..

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(713): As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone.. http://tfl.nu/l9l0

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(519): View more from Ontario

Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I'm in awe of how selfish that is.

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(519): Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking. (1-519): I'm in awe of how selfish that is. http://tfl.nu/dlh3

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(416): View more from Toronto

Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.

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(416): Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend. http://tfl.nu/lag5

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(765): View more from Indiana

After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.

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(765): After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself. http://tfl.nu/i4wo

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(620): View more from Kansas

He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.

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(620): He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time. http://tfl.nu/dyz5

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(636): View more from Missouri

maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.

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(636): maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention. http://tfl.nu/8c9n

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.

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(405): You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow. http://tfl.nu/0l2h

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(678): View more from Georgia

Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.

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(678): Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting. http://tfl.nu/6icw

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(330): View more from Ohio

He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.

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(330): He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours. http://tfl.nu/wqf0

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(217): View more from Illinois

her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...

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(217): her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name... http://tfl.nu/e8r1

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(605): View more from South Dakota

dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.

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(605): dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce. http://tfl.nu/vye8

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal

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(215): he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal http://tfl.nu/oaxp

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(248): View more from Michigan

just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.

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(248): just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night. http://tfl.nu/esr4

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?

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(973): Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes? http://tfl.nu/t0sq

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(515): View more from Iowa

Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex

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(515): Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex http://tfl.nu/a38e

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.

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(732): she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it. http://tfl.nu/tlpk

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(619): View more from California

Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich

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(619): Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich http://tfl.nu/k8p8

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(636): View more from Missouri

The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.

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(636): The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen. http://tfl.nu/0t44

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(347): View more from New York

just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner

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(347): just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner http://tfl.nu/v9ac

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(541): View more from Oregon

She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...

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(541): She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets... http://tfl.nu/jeys

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break

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(330): I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break http://tfl.nu/u8kr

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(315): View more from New York

My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

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(315): My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?' http://tfl.nu/x9n6

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(250): View more from British Columbia

you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.

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(250): you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in. http://tfl.nu/ux6h

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.

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(570): I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days. http://tfl.nu/quks

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......

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(781): So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one....... http://tfl.nu/w37i

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...

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(763): Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg... http://tfl.nu/nasy

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while

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(787): 1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while http://tfl.nu/u6qo

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.

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(202): Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now. http://tfl.nu/6prd

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(404): View more from Georgia

It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.

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(404): It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning. http://tfl.nu/70c1

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(303): View more from Colorado

It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.

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(303): It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet. http://tfl.nu/tf1g

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(555): View more from

My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique

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(555): My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique http://tfl.nu/mm4o

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(847): View more from Illinois

Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"

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(847): Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago" http://tfl.nu/h89t

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(678): View more from Georgia

I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself

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(678): I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself http://tfl.nu/rqfe

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(662): View more from Mississippi

It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though

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(662): It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though http://tfl.nu/50vd

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?

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(704): Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane? http://tfl.nu/zikg

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(856): View more from New Jersey

When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.

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(856): When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again. http://tfl.nu/chm7

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(303): View more from Colorado

so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...

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(303): so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob... http://tfl.nu/tixa

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american

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(201): I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american http://tfl.nu/02ni

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate

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(832): im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate http://tfl.nu/io2z

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(619): View more from California

I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.

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(619): I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning. http://tfl.nu/8wyf

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(702): View more from Nevada

Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.

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(702): Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better. http://tfl.nu/sd76

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(312): View more from Illinois

If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.

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(312): If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab. http://tfl.nu/3osp

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(513): View more from Ohio

So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.

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(513): So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand. http://tfl.nu/k6dt

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(618): View more from Illinois

we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning

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(618): we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning http://tfl.nu/44lc

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?

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(615): Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER? http://tfl.nu/yz8w

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(908): View more from New Jersey

If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."

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(908): If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple." http://tfl.nu/0gie

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(239): View more from Florida

"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.

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(239): "Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood. http://tfl.nu/hwa3

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(516): View more from New York

She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning

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(516): She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning http://tfl.nu/jaay

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.

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(780): Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man. http://tfl.nu/3qrw

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.

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(703): I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend. http://tfl.nu/4wvr

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(937): View more from Ohio

Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.

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(937): Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies. http://tfl.nu/1bgy

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.

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(202): Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again. http://tfl.nu/k4e9

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night

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(306): Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night http://tfl.nu/jc2t

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(305): View more from Florida

MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.

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(305): MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like. http://tfl.nu/d99s

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.

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(832): I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice. http://tfl.nu/6cq1

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(702): View more from Nevada

Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.

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(702): Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter. http://tfl.nu/2ees

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(631): View more from New York

He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.

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(631): He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved. http://tfl.nu/jbvc

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.

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(615): Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron. http://tfl.nu/4qyy

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(530): View more from California

There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.

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(530): There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome. http://tfl.nu/r11o

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.

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(508): He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk. http://tfl.nu/n1jt

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(937): View more from Ohio

I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.

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(937): I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide. http://tfl.nu/dybq

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(516): View more from New York

Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice

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(516): Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice http://tfl.nu/slww

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(714): View more from California

the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester

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(714): the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester http://tfl.nu/u653

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(213): View more from California

Her brother is deaf.

(214): View more from Texas

no wonder she was so good with her hands

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(213): Her brother is deaf. (214): no wonder she was so good with her hands http://tfl.nu/zbzq

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?

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(603): Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right? http://tfl.nu/7voc

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(620): View more from Kansas

Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?

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(620): Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night? http://tfl.nu/n9fn

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(773): View more from Illinois

I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.

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(773): I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do. http://tfl.nu/ja9q

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(443): View more from Maryland

she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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(443): she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs. http://tfl.nu/nz73

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity

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(610): Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity http://tfl.nu/heka

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(816): View more from Missouri

you were mass sexting so we took your phone away

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(816): you were mass sexting so we took your phone away http://tfl.nu/u2si

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(352): View more from Florida

Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.

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(352): Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa. http://tfl.nu/e1sr

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(305): View more from Florida

nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night

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(305): nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night http://tfl.nu/tom4

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.

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(603): I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months. http://tfl.nu/isje

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(416): View more from Toronto

I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.

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(416): I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of. http://tfl.nu/16vh

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(418): View more from Quebec

You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"

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(418): You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry" http://tfl.nu/nwle

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.

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(570): I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around. (1-570): It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am. http://tfl.nu/ckp3

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(646): View more from New York

its my first week of college and i have a UTI

(718): View more from New York

not easy being a whore now is it

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(646): its my first week of college and i have a UTI (718): not easy being a whore now is it http://tfl.nu/tyxw

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game

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(617): It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game http://tfl.nu/6jkk

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(214): View more from Texas

New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.

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(214): New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle. http://tfl.nu/kelj

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.

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(321): Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right. http://tfl.nu/ehig

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(601): View more from Mississippi

He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.

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(601): He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows. http://tfl.nu/pp93

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(870): View more from Arkansas

He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."

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(870): He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed." http://tfl.nu/z9xx

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(971): View more from Oregon

Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.

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(971): Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them. http://tfl.nu/y8vc

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(347): View more from New York

How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"

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(347): How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka" http://tfl.nu/7oja

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(513): View more from Ohio

He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?

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(513): He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like? http://tfl.nu/ctij

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(773): View more from Illinois

Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.

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(773): Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices. http://tfl.nu/v05l

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(860): View more from Connecticut

There is too much vodka and too much dick.

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(860): There is too much vodka and too much dick. http://tfl.nu/9jud

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"

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(508): I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money" http://tfl.nu/engr

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(303): View more from Colorado

The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!

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(303): The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks! http://tfl.nu/bdkz

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(516): View more from New York

i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor

(1-516): View more from New York

did you bang her?

(516): View more from New York

seriously?

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(516): i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor (1-516): did you bang her? (516): seriously? http://tfl.nu/fyme

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(615): View more from Tennessee

My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.

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(615): My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed. http://tfl.nu/zn3p

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(510): Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay http://tfl.nu/s2rn

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(231): View more from Michigan

You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.

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(231): You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide. http://tfl.nu/t1va

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(206): View more from Washington

Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.

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(206): Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive. http://tfl.nu/785o

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(785): View more from Kansas

It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...

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(785): It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night... http://tfl.nu/p0ds

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(541): View more from Oregon

I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.

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(541): I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on. http://tfl.nu/viag

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(775): View more from Nevada

I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...

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(775): I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral... http://tfl.nu/9wf7

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(269): View more from Michigan

My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.

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(269): My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow. http://tfl.nu/11lx

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(515): View more from Iowa

RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..

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(515): RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us.. http://tfl.nu/3ryz

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(914): View more from New York

im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl

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(914): im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl http://tfl.nu/i1d7

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(207): View more from Maine

My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense

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(207): My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense http://tfl.nu/p3xl

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(925): View more from California

At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.

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(925): At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night. http://tfl.nu/1jxg

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(314): View more from Missouri

Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad

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(314): Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad http://tfl.nu/ilsx

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.

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(617): Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way. http://tfl.nu/5f04

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?

(224): View more from Illinois

story of my life.

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(717): do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were? (224): story of my life. http://tfl.nu/syxz

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(859): View more from Kentucky

you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do

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(859): you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do http://tfl.nu/7olq

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.

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(304): Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way. http://tfl.nu/jfrt

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.

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(506): I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace. http://tfl.nu/37qg

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had

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(717): They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had http://tfl.nu/qmkc

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(917): View more from New York City

I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant

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(917): I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant http://tfl.nu/lnj1

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(858): View more from California

God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext

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(858): God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext http://tfl.nu/49np

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(703): View more from Virginia

i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.

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(703): i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship. http://tfl.nu/7io7

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(402): View more from Nebraska

The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.

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(402): The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities. http://tfl.nu/3lte

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.

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(859): I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college. http://tfl.nu/f01w

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(712): View more from Iowa

Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.

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(712): Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be. http://tfl.nu/n7rl

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(908): While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you." http://tfl.nu/7a3m

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.

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(203): I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it. http://tfl.nu/2i57

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(503): View more from Oregon

I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.

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(503): I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too. http://tfl.nu/16uc

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.

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(919): I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job. http://tfl.nu/800g

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.

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(403): This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy. http://tfl.nu/kmxm

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(330): View more from Ohio

We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob

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(330): We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob http://tfl.nu/gzh9

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(917): View more from New York City

He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now

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(917): He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now http://tfl.nu/4db9

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(773): View more from Illinois

he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.

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(773): he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex. http://tfl.nu/ci3t

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"

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(262): She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us" http://tfl.nu/wksb

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(248): View more from Michigan

i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.

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(248): i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid. http://tfl.nu/t711

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(909): View more from California

The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."

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(909): The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling." http://tfl.nu/73er

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention

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(978): fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention http://tfl.nu/iald

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(708): View more from Illinois

Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame

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(708): Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame http://tfl.nu/f96m

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(917): View more from New York City

you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit

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(917): you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit http://tfl.nu/h4ki

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(573): View more from Missouri

dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one

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(573): dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one http://tfl.nu/jlbe

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(515): View more from Iowa

I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

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(515): I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson" http://tfl.nu/itij

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(716): View more from New York

The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast

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(716): The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast http://tfl.nu/b4kl

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.

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(717): Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something. http://tfl.nu/o9mn

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(214): View more from Texas

I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad

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(214): I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad http://tfl.nu/x185

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.

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(978): the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year. http://tfl.nu/sg85

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(205): View more from Alabama

After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.

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(205): After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok. http://tfl.nu/maiz

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(419): View more from Ohio

You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?

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(419): You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text? http://tfl.nu/28br

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(614): View more from Ohio

My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.

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(614): My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry. http://tfl.nu/lss6

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(860): View more from Connecticut

My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..

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(860): My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen.. http://tfl.nu/c7n8

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(647): View more from Ontario

I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS

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(647): I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS http://tfl.nu/1k5d

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job

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(651): I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job http://tfl.nu/40rf

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(209): View more from California

nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw

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(209): nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw http://tfl.nu/vicw

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year

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(732): I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year http://tfl.nu/jq5i

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.

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(318): I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter. http://tfl.nu/35y3

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(516): View more from New York

OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM

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(516): OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM http://tfl.nu/ckuz

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(318): View more from Louisiana

my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.

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(318): my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes. http://tfl.nu/jzo6

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(760): View more from California

You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..

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(760): You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching.. http://tfl.nu/8ueu

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(910): View more from North Carolina

It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.

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(910): It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me. http://tfl.nu/w40e

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(770): View more from Georgia

We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?

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(770): We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date? http://tfl.nu/cigl

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.

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(717): he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three. http://tfl.nu/q18f

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.

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(856): Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever. http://tfl.nu/q010

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment

(757): View more from Virginia

Personally I think it's a tremendous investment

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(215): I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment (757): Personally I think it's a tremendous investment http://tfl.nu/ikjn

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(601): View more from Mississippi

K. On the way. I need a drink.

(904): View more from Florida

Like a drink drink or like water?

(601): View more from Mississippi

Have we met?

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(601): K. On the way. I need a drink. (904): Like a drink drink or like water? (601): Have we met? http://tfl.nu/ckaw

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(803): View more from South Carolina

If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?

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(803): If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right? http://tfl.nu/9kx0

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(979): View more from Texas

We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.

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(979): We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it. http://tfl.nu/1cxu

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently

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(919): Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently http://tfl.nu/zenu

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(740): View more from Ohio

new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.

(419): View more from Ohio

you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.

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(740): new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner. (419): you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio. http://tfl.nu/k9v1

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(239): View more from Florida

I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling

(1-239): View more from Florida

You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?

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(239): I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling (1-239): You hooked up with minors in a golf cart? http://tfl.nu/sx7k

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.

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(414): can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved. http://tfl.nu/t1em

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(416): View more from Toronto

Best. Handjob. Ever.

(905): View more from Ontario

I'm guessing Kelly is over?

(416): View more from Toronto

Nope. Home alone.

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(416): Best. Handjob. Ever. (905): I'm guessing Kelly is over? (416): Nope. Home alone. http://tfl.nu/vpw4

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(714): View more from California

My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.

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(714): My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win. http://tfl.nu/b8se

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!

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(336): Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!! http://tfl.nu/krm8

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(305): View more from Florida

After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.

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(305): After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it. http://tfl.nu/d686

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(347): View more from New York

i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had

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(347): i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had http://tfl.nu/siqb

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(574): View more from Indiana

Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..

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(574): Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called.. http://tfl.nu/0u89

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?

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(610): I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show? http://tfl.nu/56pk

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(386): View more from Florida

smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.

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(386): smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina. http://tfl.nu/3vsv

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(631): View more from New York

we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility

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(631): we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility http://tfl.nu/kdjh

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(804): View more from Virginia

he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.

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(804): he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america. http://tfl.nu/700m

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(330): so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister (216): i hate you http://tfl.nu/9cj0

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(714): View more from California

Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.

(562): View more from California

You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.

(714): View more from California

Well someones bitter they didn't get any.

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(714): Hahaha you puked all over his shirt. (562): You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch. (714): Well someones bitter they didn't get any. http://tfl.nu/4mgl

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(817): View more from Texas

I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.

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(817): I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented. http://tfl.nu/9hus

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(519): View more from Ontario

You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.

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(519): You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know. http://tfl.nu/dzr5

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(317): View more from Indiana

So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?

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(317): So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road? http://tfl.nu/ir52

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(937): View more from Ohio

I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.

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(937): I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens. http://tfl.nu/zmnj

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(256): View more from Alabama

He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.

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(256): He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front. http://tfl.nu/08qp

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(520): View more from Arizona

So you had sex with my brother?

(1-520): View more from Arizona

It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.

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(520): So you had sex with my brother? (1-520): It sounds like you dont need me to answer that. http://tfl.nu/xsv7

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(816): View more from Missouri

It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea

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(816): It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea http://tfl.nu/zoej

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(212): View more from New York

Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!

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(212): Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?! http://tfl.nu/8o3k

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(410): View more from Maryland

She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

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(410): She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her. http://tfl.nu/tg03

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(845): View more from New York

The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy

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(845): The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy http://tfl.nu/dldv

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.

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(513): I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen. http://tfl.nu/9jnz

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(763): View more from Minnesota

someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless

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(763): someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless http://tfl.nu/hdeq

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(509): View more from Washington

Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.

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(509): Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that. http://tfl.nu/jsxj

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first

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(401): I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first http://tfl.nu/owtg

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.

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(781): Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?! (781): Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze. http://tfl.nu/sc14

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(519): View more from Ontario

my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

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(519): my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar. (1-519): You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make. http://tfl.nu/j6t1

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I'm eager to hear this explaination.

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(423): Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog... (1-423): I'm eager to hear this explaination. http://tfl.nu/jgrb

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.

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(773): Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years. http://tfl.nu/9eix

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.

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(202): I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded. http://tfl.nu/owwz

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(732): View more from New Jersey

all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph

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(732): all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time (1-732): swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph http://tfl.nu/tobf

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(281): View more from Texas

She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.

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(281): She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this. http://tfl.nu/u3zd

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina

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(201): I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina http://tfl.nu/v35k

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Umm you met him three days ago....

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I said what I said

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(267): We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for (215): Umm you met him three days ago.... (267): I said what I said http://tfl.nu/18h0

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(940): View more from Texas

Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night

(1-940): View more from Texas

I don't have a cat..?

(940): View more from Texas

Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.

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(940): Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night (1-940): I don't have a cat..? (940): Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge. http://tfl.nu/uym0

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(623): View more from Arizona

Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.

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(623): Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth. http://tfl.nu/v51o

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(631): View more from New York

You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows

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(631): You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows http://tfl.nu/rci2

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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(978): i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf http://tfl.nu/hwzk

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(561): View more from Florida

Bad news is he broke up with me via text message

(561): View more from Florida

But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville

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(561): Bad news is he broke up with me via text message (561): But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville http://tfl.nu/1qx8

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(386): View more from Florida

Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.

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(386): Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately. http://tfl.nu/dyb2

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(513): View more from Ohio

im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know

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(513): im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know http://tfl.nu/k4xw

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(850): View more from Florida

She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.

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(850): She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out. http://tfl.nu/i2ji

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(931): View more from Tennessee

is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?

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(931): is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl? http://tfl.nu/m6rn

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!

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(913): I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?! http://tfl.nu/fugu

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.

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(570): In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that. http://tfl.nu/ifkh

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(817): View more from Texas

God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist

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(817): God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist http://tfl.nu/ubmz

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(770): View more from Georgia

i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot

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(770): i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot http://tfl.nu/xdnv

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(970): View more from Colorado

If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.

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(970): If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time. http://tfl.nu/fjy0

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(216): View more from Ohio

I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.

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(216): I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance. http://tfl.nu/bz9b

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(515): View more from Iowa

theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass

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(515): theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass http://tfl.nu/ckyi

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."

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(202): But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery." http://tfl.nu/8w5e

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".

(781): View more from Massachusetts

It was only one, it doesn't count.

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(978): I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES". (781): It was only one, it doesn't count. http://tfl.nu/lfgz

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(207): View more from Maine

Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy

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(207): Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy http://tfl.nu/f2lx

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?

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(978): Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick? http://tfl.nu/mjo7

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(206): View more from Washington

The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...

(425): View more from Washington

Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.

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(206): The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies... (425): Let's let the open bar be the judge of that. http://tfl.nu/ch8t

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(231): View more from Michigan

So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?

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(231): So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was? http://tfl.nu/e02a

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(443): View more from Maryland

i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement

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(443): i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement http://tfl.nu/03ue

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(305): View more from Florida

God, you're like boner-b-gone

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(305): God, you're like boner-b-gone http://tfl.nu/0pn8

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(813): View more from Florida

Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?

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(813): Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks? http://tfl.nu/4hfi

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.

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(832): We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page. http://tfl.nu/lhck

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry

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(832): You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry http://tfl.nu/vuqf

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.

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(610): This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind. http://tfl.nu/lf45

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(260): View more from Indiana

I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie

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(260): I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie http://tfl.nu/6pmw

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.

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(410): Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on. http://tfl.nu/o94m

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(330): View more from Ohio

I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.

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(330): I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him. http://tfl.nu/hzd4

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(949): View more from California

I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..

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(949): I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed.. http://tfl.nu/gr14

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag

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(908): I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag http://tfl.nu/s6m9

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(716): View more from New York

Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.

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(716): Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public. http://tfl.nu/lwyj

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(952): View more from Minnesota

we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.

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(952): we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point. http://tfl.nu/kfea

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.

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(952): Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages. http://tfl.nu/1djk

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(303): View more from Colorado

What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?

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(303): What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil? http://tfl.nu/rel9

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(206): View more from Washington

He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.

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(206): He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go. http://tfl.nu/rhri

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

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(215): Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing. http://tfl.nu/dzgt

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(319): View more from Iowa

So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."

(319): View more from Iowa

Decisions, decisions.

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(319): So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you." (319): Decisions, decisions. http://tfl.nu/1ou5

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(417): View more from Missouri

I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.

(1-417): View more from Missouri

That's because you are an idiot.

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(417): I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot. (1-417): That's because you are an idiot. http://tfl.nu/6gwl

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.

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(502): Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there. http://tfl.nu/zqp7

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(334): View more from Alabama

God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

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(334): God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises. http://tfl.nu/xfua

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(314): View more from Missouri

i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him

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(314): i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him http://tfl.nu/pw5n

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay

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(508): Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay http://tfl.nu/rfq4

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I spit up blood this morning

(206): View more from Washington

That's vegas.

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(919): I spit up blood this morning (206): That's vegas. http://tfl.nu/44z7

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.

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(501): Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check. http://tfl.nu/gtpb

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!

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(610): I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin! http://tfl.nu/gtgt

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(406): View more from Montana

he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.

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(406): he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me. http://tfl.nu/3m0w

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(301): View more from Maryland

you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.

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(301): you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off. http://tfl.nu/9btz

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(417): View more from Missouri

Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.

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(417): Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home. http://tfl.nu/79mc

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(816): View more from Missouri

we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring

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(816): we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring http://tfl.nu/1aqf

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(813): View more from Florida

well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked

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(813): well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked http://tfl.nu/vpbr

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..

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(832): I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete.. http://tfl.nu/bykt

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(469): View more from Texas

Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life

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(469): Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life http://tfl.nu/9mja

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me

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(405): Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me http://tfl.nu/44om

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(813): View more from Florida

I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

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(813): I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me. http://tfl.nu/z6eo

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(713): View more from Texas

she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..

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(713): she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding.. http://tfl.nu/h93z

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(720): View more from Colorado

Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you

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(720): Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you http://tfl.nu/jkt1

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(+27): View more from South Africa

My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.

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(+27): My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos. http://tfl.nu/d1hj

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow

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(402): I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow http://tfl.nu/h8bi

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(352): View more from Florida

I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.

(352): View more from Florida

Just realized these events may be related.

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(352): I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window. (352): Just realized these events may be related. http://tfl.nu/i6sd

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(512): View more from Texas

apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.

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(512): apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls. http://tfl.nu/xowh

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.

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(908): Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks. http://tfl.nu/ltgr

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(203): View more from Connecticut

the problem with open bar is i never know what to get

(781): View more from Massachusetts

did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."

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(203): the problem with open bar is i never know what to get (781): did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..." http://tfl.nu/knqb

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(708): View more from Illinois

I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard

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(708): I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard http://tfl.nu/i4gj

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(602): View more from Arizona

We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

(480): View more from Arizona

What will that accomplish?

(602): View more from Arizona

It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

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(602): We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on. (480): What will that accomplish? (602): It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on. http://tfl.nu/n4ns

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(708): View more from Illinois

Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.

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(708): Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic. http://tfl.nu/b2ov

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(609): View more from New Jersey

just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....

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(609): just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public.... http://tfl.nu/rq3r

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(224): View more from Illinois

get to allyx's house asap

(312): View more from Illinois

Ok is everything ok

(224): View more from Illinois

Yeah, theres just lesbians

(312): View more from Illinois

omg yes on my way

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(224): get to allyx's house asap (312): Ok is everything ok (224): Yeah, theres just lesbians (312): omg yes on my way http://tfl.nu/mxwb

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(562): View more from California

cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi

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(562): cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi http://tfl.nu/kis8

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm so horny

(913): View more from Kansas

I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect

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(816): I'm so horny (913): I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect http://tfl.nu/ggyh

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.

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(617): He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up. http://tfl.nu/h2lf

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(989): View more from Michigan

Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.

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(989): Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me. http://tfl.nu/zahg

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now

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(267): We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now http://tfl.nu/1wl1

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.

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(401): Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name. http://tfl.nu/4teg

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(914): View more from New York

We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.

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(914): We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial. http://tfl.nu/6p87

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(425): View more from Washington

Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.

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(425): Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me. http://tfl.nu/edgt

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(813): View more from Florida

We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.

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(813): We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again. http://tfl.nu/6j6o

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(210): View more from Texas

i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.

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(210): i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories. http://tfl.nu/3qfj

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(352): View more from Florida

He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.

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(352): He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number. http://tfl.nu/0dku

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(530): View more from California

Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(

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(530): Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :( http://tfl.nu/eg10

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(727): View more from Florida

Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.

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(727): Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew. http://tfl.nu/ch0g

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(301): View more from Maryland

It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.

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(301): It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have. http://tfl.nu/pc4d

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM

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(606): I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM http://tfl.nu/m9e8

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(502): View more from Kentucky

just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life

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(502): just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life http://tfl.nu/8goj

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.

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(717): i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does. http://tfl.nu/p0z8

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...

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(412): I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student... http://tfl.nu/ab9h

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint

(203): View more from Connecticut

i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you

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(203): we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint (203): i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you http://tfl.nu/509n

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.

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(412): he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along. http://tfl.nu/2jm5

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(+61): View more from Australia

Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.

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(+61): Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other. http://tfl.nu/nigv

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.

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(401): after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome. http://tfl.nu/gm5a

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(507): View more from Minnesota

How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation

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(507): How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation http://tfl.nu/mdo6

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(478): View more from Georgia

So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking

(404): View more from Georgia

how did that work out?

(478): View more from Georgia

Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...

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(478): So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking (404): how did that work out? (478): Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder... http://tfl.nu/o1yp

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.

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(780): He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done. http://tfl.nu/315y

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up

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(262): The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up http://tfl.nu/qgka

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(516): View more from New York

Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.

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(516): Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning. http://tfl.nu/lzds

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(708): View more from Illinois

Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.

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(708): Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity. http://tfl.nu/m9p5

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."

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(828): I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke." http://tfl.nu/rseq

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(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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(845): i can't find my house (1-845): we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago. (845): i'm pretty sure my house moved. http://tfl.nu/nzng

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(301): View more from Maryland

Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get

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(301): Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get http://tfl.nu/ews4

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(303): View more from Colorado

dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds

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(303): dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds http://tfl.nu/9fcs

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(309): View more from Illinois

I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time

(1-309): View more from Illinois

I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating

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(309): I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time (1-309): I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating http://tfl.nu/74eg

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(217): View more from Illinois

What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up

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(217): What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up http://tfl.nu/ae7w

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(251): View more from Alabama

I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.

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(251): I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back. http://tfl.nu/rqzq

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(616): View more from Michigan

sometimes you have to go after what you want

(313): View more from Michigan

true. and i really want to cum

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(616): sometimes you have to go after what you want (313): true. and i really want to cum http://tfl.nu/14gc

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(314): View more from Missouri

Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho

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(314): Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho http://tfl.nu/t3tj

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(909): View more from California

don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.

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(909): don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me. http://tfl.nu/8txy

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.

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(615): Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span. http://tfl.nu/rd54

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.

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(256): Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs. http://tfl.nu/y8sy

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(425): View more from Washington

oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog

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(425): oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog http://tfl.nu/rz7h

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(713): View more from Texas

I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.

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(713): I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now. http://tfl.nu/lp4s

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.

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(413): He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m. http://tfl.nu/2wu4

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(+49): View more from Germany

They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!

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(+49): They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany! http://tfl.nu/9nli

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".

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(412): He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up". http://tfl.nu/5shs

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(334): View more from Alabama

This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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(334): This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back. http://tfl.nu/st6c

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(443): View more from Maryland

He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.

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(443): He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to. http://tfl.nu/5t0r

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(519): View more from Ontario

My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"

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(519): My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things" (1-519): I didn't realize you were one of the "good people" http://tfl.nu/039y

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.

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(405): Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon. http://tfl.nu/zm69

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(773): View more from Illinois

I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.

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(773): I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced. http://tfl.nu/90fx

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(228): View more from Mississippi

I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.

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(228): I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too. http://tfl.nu/itca

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You just said the magic words

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(484): We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE. (610): You just said the magic words http://tfl.nu/8k47

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(440): View more from Ohio

Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"

(1-440): View more from Ohio

Perfectly normal.

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(440): Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?" (1-440): Perfectly normal. http://tfl.nu/lsmy

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(518): View more from New York

i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with

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(518): i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you. (202): and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with http://tfl.nu/tq5v

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(905): View more from Ontario

her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell

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(905): her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell http://tfl.nu/gvzv

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.

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(715): She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him. http://tfl.nu/8avk

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(716): View more from New York

kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year

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(716): kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year http://tfl.nu/qbpm

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(561): View more from Florida

so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same

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(561): so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same http://tfl.nu/2qn4

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.

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(910): Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days. http://tfl.nu/nw4c

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(520): View more from Arizona

In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.

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(520): In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties. http://tfl.nu/3p0b

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(765): View more from Indiana

I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..

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(765): I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing.. http://tfl.nu/jqwx

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(650): View more from California

an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.

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(650): an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty. http://tfl.nu/vy3j

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.

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(303): I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more. http://tfl.nu/r5mk

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(917): View more from New York City

Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.

(347): View more from New York

I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.

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(917): Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement. (347): I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy. http://tfl.nu/2bcu

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(615): View more from Tennessee

im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.

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(615): im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused. http://tfl.nu/4oz4

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?

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(651): I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl? http://tfl.nu/nlrb

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(813): View more from Florida

my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me

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(813): my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me http://tfl.nu/uytx

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(630): View more from Illinois

The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.

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(630): The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking. http://tfl.nu/uq3n

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i have to get rid of the hedgehog.

(765): View more from Indiana

Does it come with a cage?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes. and food and toys.

(765): View more from Indiana

i'll trade you an 8th for it

(201): View more from New Jersey

deal.

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(201): i have to get rid of the hedgehog. (765): Does it come with a cage? (201): yes. and food and toys. (765): i'll trade you an 8th for it (201): deal. http://tfl.nu/2d4g

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(817): View more from Texas

They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

(214): View more from Texas

Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

(817): View more from Texas

You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

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(817): They asked me to help them shop for lingerie. (214): Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better. (817): You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for. http://tfl.nu/hqk4

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(310): View more from California

so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.

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(310): so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out. http://tfl.nu/anew

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(480): View more from Arizona

Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Someone just got laid.

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(480): Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness? (774): Someone just got laid. http://tfl.nu/ub8q

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.

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(203): Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more. http://tfl.nu/bcah

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(253): View more from Washington

he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.

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(253): he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not. http://tfl.nu/7v4r

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(574): View more from Indiana

he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.

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(574): he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job. http://tfl.nu/t5km

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(754): View more from Florida

He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?

(954): View more from Florida

In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?

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(754): He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach? (954): In the hopes he'll just put it in one day? http://tfl.nu/u4da

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(619): View more from California

When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.

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(619): When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward. http://tfl.nu/9nr4

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(757): View more from Virginia

I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...

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(757): I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want... http://tfl.nu/xmvr

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(+47): View more from Norway

i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls

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(+47): i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls http://tfl.nu/1fkx

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(732): View more from New Jersey

hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again

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(732): hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again http://tfl.nu/ne0q

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(310): View more from California

It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations

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(310): It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations http://tfl.nu/cpf7

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(718): View more from New York

I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.

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(718): I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary. http://tfl.nu/e3xl

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?

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(919): so are you any less fat since you started doing blow? http://tfl.nu/jikm

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(443): View more from Maryland

its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

(303): View more from Colorado

you still have morals?

(443): View more from Maryland

Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

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(443): its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike (303): you still have morals? (443): Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole http://tfl.nu/6ecs

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(281): View more from Texas

Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.

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(281): Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's. http://tfl.nu/ot6m

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(512): View more from Texas

Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.

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(512): Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food. http://tfl.nu/f716

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.

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(630): I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing. http://tfl.nu/6g2i

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.

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(267): She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point. http://tfl.nu/pwj5

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(802): View more from Vermont

beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.

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(802): beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces. http://tfl.nu/r2in

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.

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(724): Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part. http://tfl.nu/1dsi

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied

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(609): I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied http://tfl.nu/rkdz

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(816): View more from Missouri

he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.

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(816): he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard. http://tfl.nu/weqf

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(703): View more from Virginia

I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.

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(703): I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them. http://tfl.nu/kulz

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(416): View more from Toronto

I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.

(905): View more from Ontario

Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.

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(416): I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny. (905): Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night. http://tfl.nu/j8pa

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(314): View more from Missouri

Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.

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(314): Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me. http://tfl.nu/jiov

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(281): View more from Texas

i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.

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(281): i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night. http://tfl.nu/0cve

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(612): View more from Minnesota

we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.

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(612): we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour. http://tfl.nu/nwj9

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(817): View more from Texas

You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go

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(817): You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go http://tfl.nu/d1mz

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(248): View more from Michigan

He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.

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(248): He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me. http://tfl.nu/d9on

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(469): View more from Texas

you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator

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(469): you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator http://tfl.nu/bsby

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Don't worry. I has chaperone.

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(270): Don't worry. I has chaperone. http://tfl.nu/r0c5

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."

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(304): I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God." http://tfl.nu/1oy5

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

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(412): I'm pregnant just thinking about him. http://tfl.nu/pqtq

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(410): View more from Maryland

Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.

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(410): Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem. http://tfl.nu/4xkw

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.

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(715): We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay. http://tfl.nu/aupb

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.

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(401): I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants. (401): Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean. http://tfl.nu/96j7

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.

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(402): Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown. http://tfl.nu/l3ul

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(904): View more from Florida

I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.

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(904): I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea. http://tfl.nu/bxd6

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?

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(605): I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF? http://tfl.nu/tx7k

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(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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(714): walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined (714): he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day http://tfl.nu/76ot

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(313): View more from Michigan

She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.

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(313): She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement. http://tfl.nu/rfma

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...

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(701): Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty... http://tfl.nu/qvnt

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems

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(609): i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems http://tfl.nu/8tgm

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.

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(402): Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER. http://tfl.nu/3m46

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?

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(902): is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with? http://tfl.nu/yzo8

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(253): View more from Washington

Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.

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(253): Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college. http://tfl.nu/tulo

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(703): View more from Virginia

like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.

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(703): like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it. http://tfl.nu/vg3u

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(770): View more from Georgia

who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!

(404): View more from Georgia

you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.

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(770): who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!! (404): you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship. http://tfl.nu/9p9t

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(719): View more from Colorado

he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka

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(719): he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka http://tfl.nu/p67g

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(281): View more from Texas

when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer

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(281): when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer http://tfl.nu/c3p9

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(315): View more from New York

thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.

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(315): thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often. http://tfl.nu/bjyl

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(250): View more from British Columbia

the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.

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(250): the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember. http://tfl.nu/upty

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.

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(717): We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation. http://tfl.nu/p6jv

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(540): View more from Virginia

It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her

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(540): It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her http://tfl.nu/aiow

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(512): View more from Texas

The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

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(512): The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"? http://tfl.nu/3j2r

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(256): View more from Alabama

FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.

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(256): FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation. http://tfl.nu/7b12

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(904): View more from Florida

Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?

(1-904): View more from Florida

six.

(904): View more from Florida

Oh, I thought it was higher.

(1-904): View more from Florida

No, that would be the Matt's

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(904): Another one? Damn, how many David's is that? (1-904): six. (904): Oh, I thought it was higher. (1-904): No, that would be the Matt's http://tfl.nu/8llg

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(248): View more from Michigan

I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop

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(248): I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop http://tfl.nu/8y0s

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(786): View more from Florida

She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick

(305): View more from Florida

I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.

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(786): She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick (305): I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius. http://tfl.nu/szcg

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My face left an imprint in the loaf...

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(215): I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning (215): My face left an imprint in the loaf... http://tfl.nu/s8i8

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(714): View more from California

It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time

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(714): It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time http://tfl.nu/v4kt

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(408): View more from California

Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this

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(408): Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this http://tfl.nu/4kx4

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(905): View more from Ontario

Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun

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(905): Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun http://tfl.nu/uh6g

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(904): View more from Florida

Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.

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(904): Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is. http://tfl.nu/v4zj

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(770): View more from Georgia

All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"

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(770): All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better" http://tfl.nu/pc1d

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(210): View more from Texas

drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend

(1-210): View more from Texas

I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.

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(210): drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend (1-210): I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning. http://tfl.nu/558s

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.

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(978): I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism. http://tfl.nu/fmul

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(305): View more from Florida

its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face

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(305): its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face http://tfl.nu/dxi4

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(251): View more from Alabama

how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?

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(251): how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her? http://tfl.nu/cyj5

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(647): View more from Ontario

all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

(905): View more from Ontario

You're fat. Stop making excuses

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(647): all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes (905): You're fat. Stop making excuses http://tfl.nu/rdmk

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(281): View more from Texas

I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.

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(281): I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged. http://tfl.nu/p1l3

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell

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(270): I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell http://tfl.nu/jfse

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(305): View more from Florida

i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.

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(305): i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town. http://tfl.nu/vmwk

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(216): View more from Ohio

there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay

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(216): there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay http://tfl.nu/f4sg

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.

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(781): i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed. http://tfl.nu/tv17

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(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

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(917): If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you (917): Those had pot in them (917): And good luck on your interview asshole http://tfl.nu/911g

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(803): View more from South Carolina

It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.

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(803): It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina. http://tfl.nu/hg6l

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

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(303): It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence. http://tfl.nu/6jog

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.

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(610): The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary. http://tfl.nu/0qxf

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet

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(248): I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet http://tfl.nu/xsvu

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(802): View more from Vermont

I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do

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(802): I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do http://tfl.nu/o1hg

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(518): View more from New York

I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.

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(518): I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday. http://tfl.nu/tx0i

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.

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(412): he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night. http://tfl.nu/6lcj

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(630): View more from Illinois

Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.

(217): View more from Illinois

Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.

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(630): Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on. (217): Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder. http://tfl.nu/huht

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(503): View more from Oregon

Hey man your outta milk

(541): View more from Oregon

How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!

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(503): Hey man your outta milk (541): How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?! http://tfl.nu/1x3m

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(732): View more from New Jersey

my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me

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(732): my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me http://tfl.nu/ef5u

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.

(917): View more from New York City

Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.

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(203): She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday. (917): Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA. http://tfl.nu/ow5e

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(248): View more from Michigan

So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in

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(248): So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in http://tfl.nu/mvwo

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(936): View more from Texas

She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.

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(936): She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while. http://tfl.nu/5c77

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(802): View more from Vermont

Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.

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(802): Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there. http://tfl.nu/8qlt

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(804): View more from Virginia

The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.

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(804): The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in. http://tfl.nu/awzl

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

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(203): you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress' (508): what was i wearing? (203): nothing http://tfl.nu/2bg6

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(503): View more from Oregon

One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.

(503): View more from Oregon

By 8 I mean 9.

(503): View more from Oregon

And by 9 I mean 10.

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(503): One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party. (503): By 8 I mean 9. (503): And by 9 I mean 10. http://tfl.nu/vux8

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(480): View more from Arizona

I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together

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(480): I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together http://tfl.nu/zzdp

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(240): View more from Maryland

I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.

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(240): I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you. http://tfl.nu/xn7n

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(478): View more from Georgia

I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.

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(478): I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths. http://tfl.nu/2srv

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(917): View more from New York City

I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.

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(917): I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing. http://tfl.nu/vu1b

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(330): View more from Ohio

The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Well it worked

(330): View more from Ohio

Not the point

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(330): The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind (1-330): Well it worked (330): Not the point http://tfl.nu/mxs7

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"

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(508): Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit" http://tfl.nu/xujf

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(732): View more from New Jersey

My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore

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(732): My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore http://tfl.nu/2pmj

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(856): View more from New Jersey

There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.

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(856): There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened. http://tfl.nu/ncfk

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(360): View more from Washington

I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days

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(360): I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days http://tfl.nu/ngst

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(704): View more from North Carolina

He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.

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(704): He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle. http://tfl.nu/j8z9

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(626): View more from California

I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"

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(626): I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text" http://tfl.nu/ij6d

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(214): View more from Texas

Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure

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(214): Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure http://tfl.nu/kj79

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(772): View more from Florida

Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.

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(772): Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix. http://tfl.nu/t7w8

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(734): View more from Michigan

I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.

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(734): I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again. http://tfl.nu/x69l

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Ask politely.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats good enough.

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(484): Ask politely. (610): Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you? (484): Thats good enough. http://tfl.nu/nxir

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.

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(202): the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other. http://tfl.nu/vc7e

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(703): View more from Virginia

All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.

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(703): All I need in life is some dick and a big mac. http://tfl.nu/2v25

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"

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(919): It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it" http://tfl.nu/8bv4

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

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(250): Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom? http://tfl.nu/cirg

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(315): View more from New York

dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you

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(315): dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you http://tfl.nu/n46y

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(440): View more from Ohio

New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."

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(440): New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron." http://tfl.nu/0r6l

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(985): View more from Louisiana

shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago

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(985): shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago http://tfl.nu/00sj

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(516): View more from New York

I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done

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(516): I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done http://tfl.nu/fwxa

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(575): View more from New Mexico

We need to talk about our relationship.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes

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(575): We need to talk about our relationship. (403): I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes http://tfl.nu/0ub4

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(719): View more from Colorado

Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!

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(719): Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?! http://tfl.nu/aect

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(917): View more from New York City

i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities

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(917): i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities http://tfl.nu/habk

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

thats actually pretty good logic

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(724): I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars" (412): thats actually pretty good logic http://tfl.nu/znkn

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I honestly don't know what to make of that.

(423): View more from Tennessee

A ham sandwich would be nice.

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(423): I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich. (1-423): I honestly don't know what to make of that. (423): A ham sandwich would be nice. http://tfl.nu/fg3s

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(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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(916): my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out. http://tfl.nu/f1nl

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(420): View more from

So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth

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(420): So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth http://tfl.nu/5fuc

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(614): View more from Ohio

I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.

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(614): I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone. http://tfl.nu/g122

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(716): View more from New York

One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.

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(716): One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl. http://tfl.nu/aaag

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(410): View more from Maryland

I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.

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(410): I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube. (1-410): I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds. http://tfl.nu/szhm

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

No thats like a top 10

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(918): is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night? (1-918): No thats like a top 10 http://tfl.nu/uawo

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(480): View more from Arizona

we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had

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(480): we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had http://tfl.nu/e6dk

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(817): View more from Texas

despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds

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(817): despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds http://tfl.nu/p6zs

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(740): View more from Ohio

you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god

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(740): you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god http://tfl.nu/byer

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(631): View more from New York

stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well

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(631): stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well http://tfl.nu/al3m

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"

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(570): How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks" http://tfl.nu/r0yt

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(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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(562): the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon... http://tfl.nu/do0i

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(727): View more from Florida

Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?

(1-727): View more from Florida

I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.

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(727): Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think? (1-727): I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again. http://tfl.nu/gesf

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(770): View more from Georgia

The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding

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(770): The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding http://tfl.nu/pa6f

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(314): View more from Missouri

My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"

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(314): My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned" http://tfl.nu/aoz0

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(562): View more from California

In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...

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(562): In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for... http://tfl.nu/hz7t

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(775): View more from Nevada

she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward

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(775): she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward http://tfl.nu/zi7g

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(404): View more from Georgia

dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?

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(404): dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad? http://tfl.nu/i6v0

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(301): View more from Maryland

If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?

(513): View more from Ohio

Get out now.

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(301): If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me? (513): Get out now. http://tfl.nu/w3kk

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(847): View more from Illinois

Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.

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(847): Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator. http://tfl.nu/lq0c

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(208): View more from Idaho

The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"

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(208): The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?" http://tfl.nu/toa2

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(850): View more from Florida

Are you still giving blowjobs?

(1-850): View more from Florida

Who is this?

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(850): Are you still giving blowjobs? (1-850): Who is this? http://tfl.nu/iq9v

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(618): View more from Illinois

you should give me head with plastic fangs in

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(618): you should give me head with plastic fangs in http://tfl.nu/ku60

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(816): View more from Missouri

She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.

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(816): She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years. http://tfl.nu/8lob

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(973): View more from New Jersey

A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.

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(973): A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ. http://tfl.nu/a72f

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(631): View more from New York

I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.

(631): View more from New York

Cruelly.

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(631): I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away. (631): Cruelly. http://tfl.nu/5k20

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(510): View more from California

I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting

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(510): I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting http://tfl.nu/unrs

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(303): View more from Colorado

im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

that was a mass text, wasnt it?

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(303): im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared. (1-303): that was a mass text, wasnt it? http://tfl.nu/9i1u

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(702): View more from Nevada

She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew

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(702): She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew http://tfl.nu/fmsn

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(+81): View more from

Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me

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(+81): Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me http://tfl.nu/yr11

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(937): View more from Ohio

He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?

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(937): He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst? http://tfl.nu/5xe1

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(417): View more from Missouri

I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.

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(417): I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat. http://tfl.nu/8r9j

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(301): View more from Maryland

Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.

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(301): Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward. http://tfl.nu/yset

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(518): View more from New York

Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.

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(518): Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight. http://tfl.nu/ukzh

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(518): View more from New York

In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.

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(518): In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it. http://tfl.nu/q114

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(406): View more from Montana

She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.

(409): View more from Texas

That was definitely the right answer.

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(406): She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her. (409): That was definitely the right answer. http://tfl.nu/zisl

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(706): View more from Georgia

We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where's it at?

(706): View more from Georgia

In your pants.

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(706): We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now. (1-706): Where's it at? (706): In your pants. http://tfl.nu/w8ar

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(620): View more from Kansas

It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"

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(620): It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish" http://tfl.nu/scbq

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(847): View more from Illinois

as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?

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(847): as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning? http://tfl.nu/weqo

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you will always have a special place in my vag

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(828): you will always have a special place in my vag http://tfl.nu/evl8

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.

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(203): Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end. http://tfl.nu/e1gy

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(845): View more from New York

She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".

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(845): She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex". http://tfl.nu/cd1v

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(540): View more from Virginia

Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.

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(540): Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex. http://tfl.nu/iyvz

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(714): View more from California

Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.

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(714): Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare. http://tfl.nu/ceys

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(630): View more from Illinois

wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?

(816): View more from Missouri

yes. helicopter.

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(630): wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back? (816): yes. helicopter. http://tfl.nu/re1i

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(410): View more from Maryland

what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!

(1-410): View more from Maryland

the part where you beat me to him

(410): View more from Maryland

fair enough.

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(410): what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?! (1-410): the part where you beat me to him (410): fair enough. http://tfl.nu/4y3l

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(972): View more from Texas

You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'

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(972): You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.' http://tfl.nu/1grt

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(845): View more from New York

Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention

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(845): Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention http://tfl.nu/alzz

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(217): View more from Illinois

Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.

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(217): Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself. http://tfl.nu/hfdh

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(315): View more from New York

we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.

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(315): we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks. http://tfl.nu/7ex7

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.

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(401): we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either. http://tfl.nu/u7gs

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(301): View more from Maryland

Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job

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(301): Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job http://tfl.nu/jdmg

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.

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(336): I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm. http://tfl.nu/32ib

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

you don't.

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(717): how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way (1-717): you don't. http://tfl.nu/p0es

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(443): View more from Maryland

The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.

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(443): The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of. http://tfl.nu/c44a

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(801): View more from Utah

She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.

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(801): She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex. http://tfl.nu/3ix3

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.

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(732): i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is. http://tfl.nu/s7zh

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(989): View more from Michigan

I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day

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(989): I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day http://tfl.nu/4uqd

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(404): View more from Georgia

I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.

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(404): I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party. http://tfl.nu/j6hi

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.

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(908): My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv. http://tfl.nu/oqts

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.

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(215): He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down. http://tfl.nu/lp4z

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(773): View more from Illinois

apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.

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(773): apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened. http://tfl.nu/hpbr

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(206): View more from Washington

at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.

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(206): at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception. http://tfl.nu/j51s

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(404): View more from Georgia

He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying

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(404): He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying http://tfl.nu/0ccm

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(314): View more from Missouri

You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.

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(314): You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you. http://tfl.nu/ejbb

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(913): View more from Kansas

sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.

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(913): sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train. http://tfl.nu/vfk6

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(817): View more from Texas

No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.

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(817): No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever. http://tfl.nu/v4fg

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(301): View more from Maryland

did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.

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(301): did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right. http://tfl.nu/lg5g

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.

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(201): Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well. http://tfl.nu/l70h

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(732): View more from New Jersey

No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.

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(732): No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day. http://tfl.nu/5atz

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

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(218): Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it. http://tfl.nu/dm7u

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(540): View more from Virginia

i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building

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(540): i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building http://tfl.nu/8nc8

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(678): View more from Georgia

SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her

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(678): SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her http://tfl.nu/v70p

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(713): she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful? http://tfl.nu/75hl

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.

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(413): In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does. http://tfl.nu/f5ii

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(310): View more from California

I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.

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(310): I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid. http://tfl.nu/amso

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(410): View more from Maryland

There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.

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(410): There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to. http://tfl.nu/sxdr

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.

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(513): I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this. http://tfl.nu/ok35

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(520): View more from Arizona

She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.

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(520): She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes. http://tfl.nu/56a9

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.

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(724): She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring. http://tfl.nu/wizw

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(678): View more from Georgia

just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.

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(678): just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game. http://tfl.nu/2q8s

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(785): View more from Kansas

I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.

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(785): I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever. http://tfl.nu/2hpf

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.

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(484): I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth. http://tfl.nu/prts

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(205): View more from Alabama

Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.

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(205): Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high. http://tfl.nu/wyb4

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

so yall hooked up?

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(203): I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone. (1-203): so yall hooked up? http://tfl.nu/j54f

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(985): View more from Louisiana

when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"

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(985): when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this" http://tfl.nu/g0yg

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.

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(201): Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is. http://tfl.nu/gvpy

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(435): View more from Utah

She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.

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(435): She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life. http://tfl.nu/8hnp

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(845): View more from New York

just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in

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(845): just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in http://tfl.nu/l275

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(305): View more from Florida

Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.

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(305): Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high. http://tfl.nu/4ptt

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(205): View more from Alabama

I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.

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(205): I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face. http://tfl.nu/ce47

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(210): View more from Texas

I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink

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(210): I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink http://tfl.nu/9ici

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Wait until you see the roof.

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(978): Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help. (1-978): Wait until you see the roof. http://tfl.nu/itso

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(440): View more from Ohio

Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.

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(440): Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved. http://tfl.nu/6524

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(562): View more from California

If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up

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(562): If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up http://tfl.nu/jdv3

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome

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(402): I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome http://tfl.nu/kwzn

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(260): View more from Indiana

I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

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(260): I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck. http://tfl.nu/i41h

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(503): View more from Oregon

do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?

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(503): do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out? http://tfl.nu/q9ps

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(778): View more from British Columbia

No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'

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(778): No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain' http://tfl.nu/2rma

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(404): View more from Georgia

i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay

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(404): i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay http://tfl.nu/pvcx

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(858): View more from California

threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter

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(858): threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter http://tfl.nu/n5bo

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(323): View more from California

No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.

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(323): No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too. http://tfl.nu/d0fo

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(970): View more from Colorado

Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"

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(970): Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet" http://tfl.nu/xuid

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning

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(+64): He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning http://tfl.nu/zdbu

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.

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(832): The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left. http://tfl.nu/7tek

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(917): View more from New York City

She saved the condom from the first time we did it.

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(917): She saved the condom from the first time we did it. http://tfl.nu/b22a

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me

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(717): i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me http://tfl.nu/mrrk

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(216): View more from Ohio

I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.

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(216): I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting. http://tfl.nu/kqku

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(214): View more from Texas

you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?

(806): View more from Texas

i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.

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(214): you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him? (806): i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem. http://tfl.nu/wekp

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(801): View more from Utah

Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

(206): View more from Washington

You are the luckiest man alive

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(801): Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first (206): You are the luckiest man alive http://tfl.nu/uh0h

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(817): View more from Texas

You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time

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(817): You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time http://tfl.nu/ixfn

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.

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(765): I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work. http://tfl.nu/q42i

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(707): View more from California

You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative

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(707): You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative http://tfl.nu/7tsg

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(514): View more from Quebec

you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes

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(514): you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes http://tfl.nu/cth1

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.

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(507): Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES. http://tfl.nu/ydba

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(970): View more from Colorado

I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me

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(970): I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me http://tfl.nu/ieav

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(347): View more from New York

We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"

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(347): We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?" http://tfl.nu/p6mw

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(336): View more from North Carolina

We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her

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(336): We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her http://tfl.nu/niqc

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(+82): View more from South Korea

You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.

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(+82): You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes. http://tfl.nu/6vdw

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(314): View more from Missouri

Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee

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(314): Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee http://tfl.nu/57zq

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(802): View more from Vermont

every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.

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(802): every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin. http://tfl.nu/un5l

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(518): View more from New York

he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.

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(518): he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name. http://tfl.nu/imhe

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.

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(780): I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop. http://tfl.nu/zx6t

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(785): View more from Kansas

There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.

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(785): There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob. http://tfl.nu/pwq0

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(415): View more from California

I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"

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(415): I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?" http://tfl.nu/fnwu

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(503): View more from Oregon

There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.

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(503): There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize. http://tfl.nu/694m

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.

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(248): I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name. http://tfl.nu/axbm

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(360): View more from Washington

I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.

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(360): I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink. http://tfl.nu/xse5

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.

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(908): I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in. http://tfl.nu/z4b8

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(317): View more from Indiana

we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky

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(317): we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky http://tfl.nu/igrt

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

What?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.

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(484): THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH. (610): What? (484): A TROUGH FOR VOMIT. http://tfl.nu/8z8s

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(210): View more from Texas

I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too

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(210): I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too http://tfl.nu/8tiw

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.

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(339): just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth. http://tfl.nu/ap45

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(705): View more from Ontario

It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.

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(705): It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed. http://tfl.nu/ac0o

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(713): View more from Texas

Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds

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(713): Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds http://tfl.nu/uf3z

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(352): View more from Florida

Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.

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(352): Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover. http://tfl.nu/82ke

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.

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(318): I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away. http://tfl.nu/8l4v

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(416): View more from Toronto

Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?

(416): View more from Toronto

Better looking than her though please.

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(416): Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with? (416): Better looking than her though please. http://tfl.nu/bks1

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(601): View more from Mississippi

We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month

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(601): We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month http://tfl.nu/d8l1

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(618): View more from Illinois

It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.

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(618): It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over. http://tfl.nu/n4d4

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(509): View more from Washington

She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after

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(509): She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after http://tfl.nu/tns7

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(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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(224): so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now. http://tfl.nu/4hn1

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(443): View more from Maryland

Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…

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(443): Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix… http://tfl.nu/f2fy

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(806): View more from Texas

at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.

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(806): at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap. http://tfl.nu/nba1

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(916): View more from California

Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?

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(916): Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool? http://tfl.nu/8wpx

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(203): View more from Connecticut

so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same

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(203): so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same http://tfl.nu/kiu0

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?

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(401): when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed? http://tfl.nu/66dn

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(716): View more from New York

You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.

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(716): You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook. http://tfl.nu/wajd

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(516): View more from New York

until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life

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(516): until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life http://tfl.nu/jc1p

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(+06): View more from

it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..

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(+06): it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever.. http://tfl.nu/huu2

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(404): View more from Georgia

Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.

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(404): Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption. http://tfl.nu/47c6

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(718): bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch (917): I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation http://tfl.nu/gosl

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.

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(978): Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win. http://tfl.nu/r148

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(773): View more from Illinois

she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable

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(773): she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable http://tfl.nu/h8f0

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.

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(405): Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward. http://tfl.nu/6x5x

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(818): View more from California

I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.

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(818): I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos. http://tfl.nu/bkr9

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(269): View more from Michigan

He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.

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(269): He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better. http://tfl.nu/o020

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(757): View more from Virginia

hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...

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(757): hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found... http://tfl.nu/titb

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(630): View more from Illinois

She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep

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(630): She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep http://tfl.nu/xep7

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(860): View more from Connecticut

failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.

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(860): failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm. http://tfl.nu/gfgw

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(303): View more from Colorado

Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.

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(303): Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel. http://tfl.nu/te56

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(419): View more from Ohio

you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you

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(419): you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you http://tfl.nu/zo5g

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(903): View more from Texas

omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

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(903): omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal. http://tfl.nu/qev8

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(503): View more from Oregon

I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.

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(503): I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing. http://tfl.nu/2hrq

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...

(615): View more from Tennessee

Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again

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(865): I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out... (615): Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again http://tfl.nu/gvsb

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(914): View more from New York

still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.

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(914): still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay. http://tfl.nu/4bqn

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(917): View more from New York City

I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.

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(917): I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee. http://tfl.nu/dm1b

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.

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(443): I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval. http://tfl.nu/2acf

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(303): View more from Colorado

How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend

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(303): How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend http://tfl.nu/ip7i

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(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

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(810): Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs http://tfl.nu/dxeo

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(+61): View more from Australia

When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.

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(+61): When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back. http://tfl.nu/58ah

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(514): View more from Quebec

I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was

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(514): I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was http://tfl.nu/5j8j

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(815): View more from Illinois

i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

you need to get laid.. and an oil change.

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(815): i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since. (1-815): you need to get laid.. and an oil change. http://tfl.nu/z8d3

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(206): View more from Washington

My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.

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(206): My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'. http://tfl.nu/39kt

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(530): View more from California

I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

(1-530): View more from California

fuck. you.

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(530): I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight. (1-530): fuck. you. http://tfl.nu/1kgv

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(661): View more from California

new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.

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(661): new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what. http://tfl.nu/4g32

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.

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(781): No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you. http://tfl.nu/cz2r

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.

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(920): the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet. http://tfl.nu/lvr3

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(516): View more from New York

Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars

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(516): Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars http://tfl.nu/6xt5

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.

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(484): It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever. http://tfl.nu/8zyq

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.

(402): View more from Nebraska

Update, its a couple

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(402): On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho. (402): Update, its a couple http://tfl.nu/mrbp

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(847): View more from Illinois

Whoa, Gary Coleman died

(224): View more from Illinois

Whatchu talkin bout?!?!

(847): View more from Illinois

Too soon.

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(847): Whoa, Gary Coleman died (224): Whatchu talkin bout?!?! (847): Too soon. http://tfl.nu/36gw

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did he notice?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..

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(267): we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself. (215): did he notice? (267): of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up.. http://tfl.nu/7kng

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(256): View more from Alabama

made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold

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(256): made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold http://tfl.nu/0w5z

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(619): View more from California

woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.

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(619): woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word. http://tfl.nu/lmgd

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one

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(918): Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one http://tfl.nu/ihc6

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.

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(603): I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter. http://tfl.nu/ujkx

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(315): View more from New York

my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.

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(315): my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say. http://tfl.nu/ygp4

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(503): View more from Oregon

I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME

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(503): I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME http://tfl.nu/s14f

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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(617): Houston, we have a problem (781): where are u? (617): Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here. http://tfl.nu/zyw6

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.

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(774): well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday. http://tfl.nu/vkd1

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(816): View more from Missouri

So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeeah thank god

(816): View more from Missouri

Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

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(816): So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant... (1-816): Yeeah thank god (816): Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million. http://tfl.nu/pevw

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(509): View more from Washington

Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.

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(509): Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made. http://tfl.nu/ax9s

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(805): View more from California

Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"

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(805): Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever" http://tfl.nu/wsl5

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.

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(812): My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too. http://tfl.nu/4mju

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(519): i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends? http://tfl.nu/08w4

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(404): View more from Georgia

The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.

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(404): The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me. http://tfl.nu/retd

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(334): View more from Alabama

This hangover is way worse than all my relationships

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(334): This hangover is way worse than all my relationships http://tfl.nu/m3xj

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(775): View more from Nevada

So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.

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(775): So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again. http://tfl.nu/ocrt

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.

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(920): Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work. http://tfl.nu/fle5

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(530): View more from California

There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them

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(530): There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them http://tfl.nu/te5k

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(716): View more from New York

just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.

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(716): just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars. http://tfl.nu/fh2v

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(630): View more from Illinois

We stopped her at 12

(708): View more from Illinois

12 shots? Or 12 midnight?

(630): View more from Illinois

Which answer would freak you out less

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(630): We stopped her at 12 (708): 12 shots? Or 12 midnight? (630): Which answer would freak you out less http://tfl.nu/edb4

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(314): View more from Missouri

I hate the hobo that sits outside our building

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Joe or Chris?

(314): View more from Missouri

do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.

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(314): I hate the hobo that sits outside our building (1-314): Joe or Chris? (314): do i even wanna kno y u kno their names? (1-314): well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye. http://tfl.nu/9vla

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(937): There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich. http://tfl.nu/hmr5

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(336): View more from North Carolina

You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.

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(336): You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed. http://tfl.nu/cedv

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(614): so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you' (740): i literally fucking hate you so fucking much. http://tfl.nu/7yl2

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(708): View more from Illinois

sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

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(708): sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed http://tfl.nu/38z7

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.

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(860): I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage. http://tfl.nu/q50p

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(408): View more from California

I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...

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(408): I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal... http://tfl.nu/6umq

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(248): View more from Michigan

the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky

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(248): the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky http://tfl.nu/6tb5

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(602): View more from Arizona

you'll never guess what i found when i got home...

(928): View more from Arizona

a cake, in the toilet

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(602): you'll never guess what i found when i got home... (928): a cake, in the toilet http://tfl.nu/md4l

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(619): View more from California

my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.

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(619): my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew. http://tfl.nu/qfs0

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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(732): You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice http://tfl.nu/hsgc

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(419): View more from Ohio

I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said

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(419): I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said http://tfl.nu/s0mp

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(303): View more from Colorado

she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper

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(303): she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper http://tfl.nu/xl5z

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(231): View more from Michigan

Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"

(231): View more from Michigan

OMG its one we used last night

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(231): Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing" (231): OMG its one we used last night http://tfl.nu/jpyf

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(519): View more from Ontario

Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.

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(519): Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die. http://tfl.nu/wxg3

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(573): View more from Missouri

Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.

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(573): Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend. http://tfl.nu/0oem

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(863): View more from Florida

I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila

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(863): I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila http://tfl.nu/e6je

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(714): View more from California

You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that

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(714): You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that http://tfl.nu/q1k2

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(440): View more from Ohio

just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.

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(440): just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me. http://tfl.nu/8ykb

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.

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(203): Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do. http://tfl.nu/ir0f

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.

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(913): I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick. http://tfl.nu/xsrx

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(517): View more from Michigan

this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year

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(517): this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year http://tfl.nu/tikr

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(970): View more from Colorado

ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"

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(970): ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and" http://tfl.nu/hqw1

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(404): I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck. http://tfl.nu/f2m7

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.

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(405): I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step. http://tfl.nu/yq43

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

told you he was gay.

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(401): he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head... (1-401): told you he was gay. http://tfl.nu/35fi

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(703): View more from Virginia

using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.

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(703): using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes. http://tfl.nu/y0td

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(315): View more from New York

Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.

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(315): Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now. http://tfl.nu/rvu6

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(425): View more from Washington

I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.

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(425): I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B. http://tfl.nu/2oen

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(207): View more from Maine

You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.

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(207): You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee. http://tfl.nu/mtea

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(503): View more from Oregon

My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf

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(503): My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf http://tfl.nu/5frw

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(845): View more from New York

Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?

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(845): Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn? http://tfl.nu/bm5d

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(208): View more from Idaho

why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

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(208): why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never. http://tfl.nu/g58g

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's funny. Are they weird looking???

(262): View more from Wisconsin

OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

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(262): There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart. (1-262): That's funny. Are they weird looking??? (262): OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS. http://tfl.nu/egmz

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(201): View more from New Jersey

The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint

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(201): The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint http://tfl.nu/xmhe

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?

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(225): I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty? http://tfl.nu/tsac

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.

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(412): Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today. http://tfl.nu/4lg3

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(613): View more from Ontario

I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.

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(613): I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went. http://tfl.nu/jkvp

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(707): View more from California

its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me

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(707): its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me http://tfl.nu/kg6n

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.

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(570): You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol. http://tfl.nu/n8ii

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(325): View more from Texas

suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea

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(325): suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea http://tfl.nu/q0e7

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(914): View more from New York

Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right

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(914): Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right http://tfl.nu/mx4p

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(309): View more from Illinois

I'd suck anything for a pizza right now

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(309): I'd suck anything for a pizza right now http://tfl.nu/grjz

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(562): View more from California

not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.

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(562): not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it. http://tfl.nu/xhfr

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(785): View more from Kansas

I found those 18 whoppers we bought.

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(785): I found those 18 whoppers we bought. http://tfl.nu/flbc

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(305): View more from Florida

Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.

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(305): Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS. http://tfl.nu/tzd0

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(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

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(240): boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill http://tfl.nu/6vp9

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(443): View more from Maryland

She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.

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(443): She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them. http://tfl.nu/jd8a

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(863): View more from Florida

We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.

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(863): We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits. http://tfl.nu/7sfp

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(734): View more from Michigan

Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Haha did she know what fisting meant?

(734): View more from Michigan

Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself

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(734): Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that. (1-734): Haha did she know what fisting meant? (734): Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself http://tfl.nu/kykk

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(352): View more from Florida

homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...

(1-352): View more from Florida

so you did it...

(352): View more from Florida

obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.

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(352): homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview... (1-352): so you did it... (352): obv...but still...it was inconsiderate. http://tfl.nu/j7x7

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.

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(401): he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys. http://tfl.nu/w8m7

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(618): View more from Illinois

Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.

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(618): Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog. http://tfl.nu/c9by

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you

(580): View more from Oklahoma

Really.

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(918): I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you (580): Really. http://tfl.nu/kw5b

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(518): View more from New York

I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide

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(518): I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide http://tfl.nu/vkti

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?

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(412): Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs? http://tfl.nu/bbo7

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(646): View more from New York

There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.

(1-646): View more from New York

Your pregnant arnt you

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(646): There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil. (1-646): Your pregnant arnt you http://tfl.nu/t59m

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??

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(978): Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"?? http://tfl.nu/v3ie

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(516): View more from New York

Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.

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(516): Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand. http://tfl.nu/xjsp

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(337): View more from Louisiana

You going out tonight?

(318): View more from Louisiana

No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.

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(337): You going out tonight? (318): No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon. http://tfl.nu/ifio

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(519): View more from Ontario

due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.

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(519): due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron. http://tfl.nu/58sn

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(720): View more from Colorado

This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.

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(720): This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread. http://tfl.nu/5lzr

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(330): View more from Ohio

Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list

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(330): Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list http://tfl.nu/ucvs

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(352): View more from Florida

Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes

(1-352): View more from Florida

I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.

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(352): Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes (1-352): I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos. http://tfl.nu/ch4a

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace

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(413): My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace http://tfl.nu/tutd

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(708): View more from Illinois

Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.

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(708): Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected. http://tfl.nu/ilck

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(208): View more from Idaho

On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?

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(208): On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you? http://tfl.nu/5voi

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.

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(715): You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison. http://tfl.nu/kcq5

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.

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(203): The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake. http://tfl.nu/g05l

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(703): View more from Virginia

So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win

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(703): So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win http://tfl.nu/8bud

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(309): View more from Illinois

so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.

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(309): so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished. http://tfl.nu/wbty

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(301): View more from Maryland

Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today

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(301): Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today http://tfl.nu/gkj4

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?

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(704): I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right? http://tfl.nu/ljg3

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(807): View more from Ontario

yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd

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(807): yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd http://tfl.nu/28g8

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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(301): Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort. http://tfl.nu/ivbh

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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(319): Heyyyy darlin are you busy? (1-319): Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night. http://tfl.nu/pwb0

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(703): View more from Virginia

Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.

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(703): Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day. http://tfl.nu/0otc

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(807): View more from Ontario

Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?

(1-807): View more from Ontario

Just flip the mattress, it erases all

(807): View more from Ontario

Done and done

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(807): Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town? (1-807): Just flip the mattress, it erases all (807): Done and done http://tfl.nu/aezq

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(816): View more from Missouri

Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.

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(816): Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned. http://tfl.nu/ygc3

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(336): View more from North Carolina

While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.

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(336): While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus. http://tfl.nu/10to

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(860): View more from Connecticut

there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes

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(860): there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes http://tfl.nu/0fsj

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?

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(270): Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance? http://tfl.nu/nz1e

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(513): View more from Ohio

you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar

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(513): you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar http://tfl.nu/7jk8

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.

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(401): she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride. http://tfl.nu/b4k2

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(352): View more from Florida

Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.

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(352): Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song. http://tfl.nu/qyok

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(417): View more from Missouri

I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.

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(417): I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL. http://tfl.nu/srh0

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.

(201): View more from New Jersey

We better fuck soon then

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(609): I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again. (201): We better fuck soon then http://tfl.nu/yyxr

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(707): View more from California

he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"

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(707): he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?" http://tfl.nu/pefr

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(858): View more from California

Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch

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(858): Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch http://tfl.nu/zban

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(201): View more from New Jersey

we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.

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(201): we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday. http://tfl.nu/gckh

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(516): View more from New York

any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?

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(516): any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club? http://tfl.nu/452g

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

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(612): I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday. http://tfl.nu/86uh

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(314): View more from Missouri

Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?

(636): View more from Missouri

our generation is not ready to get married

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(314): Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"? (636): our generation is not ready to get married http://tfl.nu/klk9

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo

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(704): Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo http://tfl.nu/ot2w

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(210): View more from Texas

I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.

(512): View more from Texas

There are margaritas in the freezer still.

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(210): I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life. (512): There are margaritas in the freezer still. http://tfl.nu/0xfi

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette

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(339): I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette http://tfl.nu/67ko

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.

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(832): I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed. http://tfl.nu/rvfy

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(614): View more from Ohio

I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.

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(614): I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm. http://tfl.nu/xqmo

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(931): View more from Tennessee

drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.

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(931): drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes. http://tfl.nu/1e3m

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b

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(215): i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b http://tfl.nu/ogbj

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(615): View more from Tennessee

good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.

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(615): good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car. http://tfl.nu/bhcd

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(703): View more from Virginia

Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall

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(703): Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall http://tfl.nu/bqaz

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(813): View more from Florida

Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

(1-813): View more from Florida

I ordered a moonbounce.

(813): View more from Florida

Fuck, you win.

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(813): Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party. (1-813): I ordered a moonbounce. (813): Fuck, you win. http://tfl.nu/qedv

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(260): View more from Indiana

Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.

(219): View more from Indiana

You said that last year...

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(260): Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate. (219): You said that last year... http://tfl.nu/7qlf

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(513): View more from Ohio

I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.

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(513): I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me. http://tfl.nu/k06t

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

(713): View more from Texas

Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

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(832): At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept?? (713): Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger. http://tfl.nu/oww9

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.

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(651): The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing. http://tfl.nu/9cqq

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.

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(901): Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives. http://tfl.nu/lbn9

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(813): View more from Florida

We shouldn"t be alone together

(606): View more from Kentucky

you didn"t say that yesterday

(813): View more from Florida

you weren't married yesterday

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(813): We shouldn"t be alone together (606): you didn"t say that yesterday (813): you weren't married yesterday http://tfl.nu/oykj

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(917): View more from New York City

i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing

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(917): i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing http://tfl.nu/u02m

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(760): View more from California

Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?

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(760): Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!? http://tfl.nu/iolx

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I love boston

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(781): The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH (781): I love boston http://tfl.nu/jz0y

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(410): View more from Maryland

As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.

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(410): As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned. http://tfl.nu/df4g

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(360): View more from Washington

Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.

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(360): Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe. http://tfl.nu/jop2

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(908): View more from New Jersey

fireball beer pong. youre missing out

(732): View more from New Jersey

how is that even possible?

(908): View more from New Jersey

ove gloves.

(732): View more from New Jersey

be there in ten.

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(908): fireball beer pong. youre missing out (732): how is that even possible? (908): ove gloves. (732): be there in ten. http://tfl.nu/dpvx

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.

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(270): I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world. http://tfl.nu/l4ml

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(630): View more from Illinois

scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back

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(630): scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back http://tfl.nu/xz4y

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(239): View more from Florida

I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..

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(239): I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high.. http://tfl.nu/0y5k

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(210): View more from Texas

it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.

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(210): it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it. http://tfl.nu/7f8c

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side

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(918): Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side http://tfl.nu/owir

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

(423): View more from Tennessee

Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

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(814): What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners." (423): Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A. (814): No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay. http://tfl.nu/o5wb

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.

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(865): I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is. http://tfl.nu/unb6

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(516): View more from New York

I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"

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(516): I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs" http://tfl.nu/07qw

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(618): View more from Illinois

It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.

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(618): It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me. http://tfl.nu/1449

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser

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(336): I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser http://tfl.nu/rv8v

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(316): View more from Kansas

when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre

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(316): when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre http://tfl.nu/3hgx

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(716): View more from New York

she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.

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(716): she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless. http://tfl.nu/eill

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best

(1-773): View more from Illinois

that's your solution for everything

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(773): I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best (1-773): that's your solution for everything http://tfl.nu/v8le

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(647): View more from Ontario

Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.

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(647): Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar. http://tfl.nu/rv9o

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(216): View more from Ohio

somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.

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(216): somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen. http://tfl.nu/y8ck

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?

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(412): Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+? http://tfl.nu/fsug

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(504): View more from Louisiana

How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?

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(504): How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need? http://tfl.nu/pqn5

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(410): View more from Maryland

He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

True romance of the 21st century.

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(410): He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too. (1-410): True romance of the 21st century. http://tfl.nu/laza

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

And she used to have such long ones. Sad.

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(918): Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm. (1-918): And she used to have such long ones. Sad. http://tfl.nu/v7eg

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(802): View more from Vermont

my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...

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(802): my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night... http://tfl.nu/tx5p

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(450): View more from Quebec

I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...

(450): View more from Quebec

On that note, do I have a rule?

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(450): I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc... (450): On that note, do I have a rule? http://tfl.nu/u1td

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.

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(608): last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome. http://tfl.nu/a48x

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.

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(203): I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus. http://tfl.nu/scm8

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.

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(412): I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory. http://tfl.nu/1joi

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.

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(413): You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief. http://tfl.nu/eaos

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(408): View more from California

Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it

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(408): Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it http://tfl.nu/ddbo

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.

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(401): i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush. http://tfl.nu/l70n

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(316): View more from Kansas

I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"

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(316): I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex" http://tfl.nu/rqj6

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.

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(604): Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit. http://tfl.nu/890j

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(714): View more from California

She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.

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(714): She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep. http://tfl.nu/k8wl

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(503): View more from Oregon

we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

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(503): we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass. http://tfl.nu/xi9h

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.

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(303): Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free. http://tfl.nu/j1zd

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.

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(203): Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that. http://tfl.nu/1tq2

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(574): View more from Indiana

no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"

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(574): no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house" http://tfl.nu/wkle

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.

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(608): I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear. http://tfl.nu/lmzy

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(315): View more from New York

Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.

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(315): Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left. http://tfl.nu/77za

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(785): View more from Kansas

We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.

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(785): We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson. http://tfl.nu/vrgn

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(816): View more from Missouri

Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"

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(816): Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you" http://tfl.nu/hln2

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(765): View more from Indiana

just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.

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(765): just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win. http://tfl.nu/bjq4

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(540): View more from Virginia

he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

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(540): he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride http://tfl.nu/4fyt

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(847): View more from Illinois

We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.

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(847): We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate. http://tfl.nu/z0ff

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(616): View more from Michigan

So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???

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(616): So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo??? http://tfl.nu/k6yj

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(605): View more from South Dakota

i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."

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(605): i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here." http://tfl.nu/dk13

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."

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(202): I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking." http://tfl.nu/oftj

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(631): View more from New York

she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?

(516): View more from New York

nope.

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(631): she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"? (516): nope. http://tfl.nu/1bih

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.

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(484): we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed. http://tfl.nu/819f

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(254): View more from Texas

I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time

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(254): I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time http://tfl.nu/rajz

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(905): View more from Ontario

Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.

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(905): Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home. http://tfl.nu/by9e

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.

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(+44): The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps. http://tfl.nu/azhr

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(708): View more from Illinois

Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"

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(708): Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex" http://tfl.nu/sy7y

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.

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(+44): So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors. http://tfl.nu/2asp

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(905): View more from Ontario

He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.

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(905): He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later. http://tfl.nu/c4t5

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.

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(+31): No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam. http://tfl.nu/gz4d

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(706): View more from Georgia

Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?

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(706): Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession? http://tfl.nu/ohzs

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(831): View more from California

Hey, what are you up to?

(802): View more from Vermont

Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.

(802): View more from Vermont

Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.

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(831): Hey, what are you up to? (802): Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds. (802): Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard. http://tfl.nu/ope5

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(248): View more from Michigan

he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was

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(248): he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was http://tfl.nu/zwm2

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(720): View more from Colorado

Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.

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(720): Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown (303): I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself. http://tfl.nu/zmkv

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.

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(604): I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was. http://tfl.nu/96eh

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm in your bed right now

(240): View more from Maryland

Okay meet you there give me 10

(703): View more from Virginia

Don't think you can make me leave either

(240): View more from Maryland

Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you

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(703): I'm in your bed right now (240): Okay meet you there give me 10 (703): Don't think you can make me leave either (240): Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you http://tfl.nu/a4wc

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(770): View more from Georgia

Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???

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(770): Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives??? http://tfl.nu/8m9c

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(916): View more from California

He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants

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(916): He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants http://tfl.nu/xfxv

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list

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(413): She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list http://tfl.nu/8owq

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(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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(248): You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened... http://tfl.nu/unry

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(516): View more from New York

She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"

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(516): She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?" http://tfl.nu/g36q

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(301): View more from Maryland

Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.

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(301): Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning. http://tfl.nu/0np0

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(614): View more from Ohio

trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.

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(614): trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room. http://tfl.nu/9qb1

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(469): View more from Texas

Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.

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(469): Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work. http://tfl.nu/vgtk

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(204): View more from Manitoba

some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city

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(204): some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city http://tfl.nu/k6ti

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(214): View more from Texas

Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.

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(214): Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer. http://tfl.nu/r45y

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(707): View more from California

I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight

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(707): I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight http://tfl.nu/5bl0

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(812): View more from Indiana

Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...

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(812): Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people... http://tfl.nu/4gx3

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(214): View more from Texas

Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.

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(214): Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse. http://tfl.nu/4gmt

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(203): View more from Connecticut

So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.

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(203): So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off. http://tfl.nu/cdqo

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(831): View more from California

i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?

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(831): i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock? http://tfl.nu/twxe

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.

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(413): i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list. http://tfl.nu/l7yl

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(973): View more from New Jersey

we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.

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(973): we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle. http://tfl.nu/il9h

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(386): View more from Florida

Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...

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(386): Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland... http://tfl.nu/taw4

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(630): View more from Illinois

the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.

(630): View more from Illinois

just thought you should know her name is kristen

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(630): the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me. (630): just thought you should know her name is kristen http://tfl.nu/a2dg

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(201): View more from New Jersey

just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.

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(201): just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this. http://tfl.nu/pmcq

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(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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(440): You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music http://tfl.nu/f2pv

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(301): View more from Maryland

Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.

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(301): Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover. http://tfl.nu/klzl

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.

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(617): He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him. http://tfl.nu/v8g0

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.

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(508): All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed. http://tfl.nu/eckq

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(315): View more from New York

My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.

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(315): My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best. http://tfl.nu/ofn0

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.

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(412): I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts. http://tfl.nu/rew4

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(909): View more from California

and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.

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(909): and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore. http://tfl.nu/590e

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(214): View more from Texas

I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat

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(214): I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat http://tfl.nu/a753

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(623): View more from Arizona

Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.

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(623): Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy. http://tfl.nu/cg4z

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(765): View more from Indiana

He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.

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(765): He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder. http://tfl.nu/7khc

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(607): View more from New York

I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.

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(607): I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever. http://tfl.nu/15o8

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(240): View more from Maryland

I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.

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(240): I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian. http://tfl.nu/grua

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(802): View more from Vermont

he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...

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(802): he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes... http://tfl.nu/9zzk

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(575): View more from New Mexico

The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

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(575): The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order" http://tfl.nu/htwe

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad

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(732): I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad http://tfl.nu/c88e

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(773): View more from Illinois

why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?

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(773): why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"? http://tfl.nu/okve

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(716): View more from New York

He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.

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(716): He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER. http://tfl.nu/jf69

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.

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(803): I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene. http://tfl.nu/fj0l

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(574): View more from Indiana

Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.

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(574): Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better. http://tfl.nu/c7ty

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(660): View more from Missouri

I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.

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(660): I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better. http://tfl.nu/xn35

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(818): View more from California

I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.

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(818): I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head. http://tfl.nu/x66l

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(571): View more from Virginia

next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave

(703): View more from Virginia

and miss being on the news....no way

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(571): next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave (703): and miss being on the news....no way http://tfl.nu/gtrx

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(269): View more from Michigan

I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.

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(269): I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying. http://tfl.nu/75ln

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(410): View more from Maryland

we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier

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(410): we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier http://tfl.nu/xjeu

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(647): View more from Ontario

btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme

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(647): btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme http://tfl.nu/51hh

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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(701): She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex. http://tfl.nu/crgk

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(561): View more from Florida

I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date

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(561): I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date http://tfl.nu/ynms

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(631): View more from New York

Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk

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(631): Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk http://tfl.nu/bu5o

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(509): View more from Washington

after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery

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(509): after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery http://tfl.nu/ntn4

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(810): View more from Michigan

I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.

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(810): I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future. http://tfl.nu/04uk

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(214): A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot. http://tfl.nu/a1lj

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?

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(814): so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar? http://tfl.nu/t8an

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(443): View more from Maryland

Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.

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(443): Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now. http://tfl.nu/xaw7

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(916): View more from California

I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"

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(916): I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences" http://tfl.nu/bi6b

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach

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(401): The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach http://tfl.nu/jjm1

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm

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(508): Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm http://tfl.nu/fqql

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(928): View more from Arizona

We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in

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(928): We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in http://tfl.nu/1vzn

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(856): View more from New Jersey

He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.

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(856): He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college. http://tfl.nu/khqs

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(425): View more from Washington

Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.

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(425): Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack. http://tfl.nu/ptag

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(517): View more from Michigan

My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.

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(517): My own mom unfriended me on Facebook. http://tfl.nu/a468

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"

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(267): she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it" http://tfl.nu/pya0

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.

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(860): Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life. http://tfl.nu/zt1o

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(631): View more from New York

this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed

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(631): this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed http://tfl.nu/rgow

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(602): View more from Arizona

So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.

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(602): So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better. http://tfl.nu/qcgw

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(203): View more from Connecticut

his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

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(203): his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper http://tfl.nu/7n4i

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.

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(402): I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song. http://tfl.nu/3qmr

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

who'd you have sex with.

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(610): terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions. (1-610): who'd you have sex with. http://tfl.nu/97tl

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(305): View more from Florida

I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?

(1-305): View more from Florida

Seriously?

(305): View more from Florida

100%

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(305): I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox? (1-305): Seriously? (305): 100% http://tfl.nu/w2fu

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(503): View more from Oregon

How did you steal an entire pie?

(602): View more from Arizona

I don't know. It's in my purse.

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(503): How did you steal an entire pie? (602): I don't know. It's in my purse. http://tfl.nu/b3mp

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(937): View more from Ohio

after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.

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(937): after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head. http://tfl.nu/3prw

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.

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(203): Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet. http://tfl.nu/z4ao

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(518): View more from New York

idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever

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(518): idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever http://tfl.nu/70al

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(903): View more from Texas

The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.

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(903): The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while. http://tfl.nu/y23x

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(816): View more from Missouri

Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe

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(816): Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe http://tfl.nu/ye00

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.

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(608): This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night. http://tfl.nu/r58q

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(718): View more from New York

At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.

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(718): At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down. http://tfl.nu/ki6l

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(201): View more from New Jersey

A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".

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(201): A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead". http://tfl.nu/bwjk

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(941): View more from Florida

My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.

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(941): My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways. http://tfl.nu/nnm9

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.

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(919): Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time. http://tfl.nu/r3pt

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(330): View more from Ohio

theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.

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(330): theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that. http://tfl.nu/wccj

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.

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(918): i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses. http://tfl.nu/hs1z

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(256): View more from Alabama

so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.

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(256): so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart. http://tfl.nu/u8db

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A

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(603): i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A http://tfl.nu/1ey6

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing

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(402): Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing http://tfl.nu/n0bj

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf

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(262): I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf http://tfl.nu/oxnj

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(941): View more from Florida

I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.

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(941): I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever. http://tfl.nu/ukm2

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?

(917): View more from New York City

what kind of party is this?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the best kind ever

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(610): can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home? (917): what kind of party is this? (610): the best kind ever http://tfl.nu/ib1r

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(+82): View more from

I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.

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(+82): I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes. http://tfl.nu/b0wk

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(419): View more from Ohio

vegan vag taste different. and not a good different

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(419): vegan vag taste different. and not a good different http://tfl.nu/aqb4

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

u sound so gay right now

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(617): I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me. (978): u sound so gay right now http://tfl.nu/zm49

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(801): View more from Utah

Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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(801): Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks. http://tfl.nu/8eyu

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

(713): View more from Texas

lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

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(832): why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen? (713): lets deal with that after we figure out where i am http://tfl.nu/0phs

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.

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(330): just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this. http://tfl.nu/6gzz

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(678): View more from Georgia

i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.

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(678): i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste. http://tfl.nu/3anp

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.

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(781): I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing. http://tfl.nu/7fgj

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(617): just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole http://tfl.nu/otvq

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(850): View more from Florida

Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave

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(850): Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave http://tfl.nu/oh8m

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line

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(203): Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line http://tfl.nu/4rr4

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.

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(608): Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her. http://tfl.nu/6qpw

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(317): View more from Indiana

Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think

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(317): Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think http://tfl.nu/kspc

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(541): View more from Oregon

What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?

(503): View more from Oregon

3some

(541): View more from Oregon

You're right, stupid question.

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(541): What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms? (503): 3some (541): You're right, stupid question. http://tfl.nu/lx7x

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(757): View more from Virginia

I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.

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(757): I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it. http://tfl.nu/uqxt

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.

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(617): She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl. http://tfl.nu/oaik

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(862): View more from New Jersey

win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight

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(862): win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight http://tfl.nu/0j1g

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(213): View more from California

I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.

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(213): I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on. http://tfl.nu/rma0

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(905): View more from Ontario

The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.

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(905): The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty. http://tfl.nu/9wi8

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(310): View more from California

You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...

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(310): You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor... http://tfl.nu/dk61

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(208): View more from Idaho

She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.

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(208): She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible. http://tfl.nu/a9zl

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(859): View more from Kentucky

he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?

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(859): he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in? http://tfl.nu/0531

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out

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(860): I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out http://tfl.nu/wth6

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(585): View more from New York

she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over

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(585): she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over http://tfl.nu/tk3t

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(214): View more from Texas

Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.

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(214): Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better. http://tfl.nu/wgom

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

At least I've made one childhood dream come true

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(321): Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted. (321): At least I've made one childhood dream come true http://tfl.nu/dhs4

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(530): View more from California

Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud

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(530): Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud http://tfl.nu/4tef

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(303): View more from Colorado

Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.

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(303): Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever. http://tfl.nu/ckan

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(508): i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude. http://tfl.nu/zgqp

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

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(610): Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this http://tfl.nu/fwmk

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.

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(204): Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this. http://tfl.nu/p44k

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(214): View more from Texas

I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.

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(214): I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars. http://tfl.nu/iixj

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night

(401): View more from Rhode Island

no, that is not a typo

(401): View more from Rhode Island

i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday

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(401): i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night (401): no, that is not a typo (401): i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday http://tfl.nu/nleu

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(425): View more from Washington

It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.

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(425): It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down. http://tfl.nu/xg1z

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(770): View more from Georgia

That's cool how's he been?

(404): View more from Georgia

He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.

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(770): That's cool how's he been? (404): He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much. http://tfl.nu/1kie

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(801): View more from Utah

He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.

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(801): He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face. http://tfl.nu/vz1o

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(801): View more from Utah

He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".

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(801): He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied". http://tfl.nu/4up3

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(402): View more from Nebraska

consequently i now know what mace tastes like

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(402): consequently i now know what mace tastes like http://tfl.nu/a9b7

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(518): View more from New York

I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth

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(518): I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth http://tfl.nu/kl4h

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

You make your fellow Jews happy.

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(412): I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more. (1-412): You make your fellow Jews happy. http://tfl.nu/gpio

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(419): View more from Ohio

we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.

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(419): we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it. http://tfl.nu/duoc

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?

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(508): I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation? http://tfl.nu/jmz5

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I in a dog kennel?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

It was for your own safety

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(803): Why am I in a dog kennel? (1-803): It was for your own safety http://tfl.nu/w7ni

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(704): View more from North Carolina

see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it

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(704): see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it http://tfl.nu/o2df

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(519): View more from Ontario

I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.

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(519): I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was. http://tfl.nu/2sao

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(847): View more from Illinois

Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.

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(847): Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels. http://tfl.nu/hv8u

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(225): View more from Louisiana

i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

whats a bus flip?

(225): View more from Louisiana

idk but apparently i invented it

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(225): i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip (1-225): whats a bus flip? (225): idk but apparently i invented it http://tfl.nu/n87k

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(313): View more from Michigan

I did the walk of shame to church this morning.

(734): View more from Michigan

hooker boots and all?

(313): View more from Michigan

Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.

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(313): I did the walk of shame to church this morning. (734): hooker boots and all? (313): Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway. http://tfl.nu/9ht9

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(913): hows the party? (816): ists fjcssing insceredle (913): be there in 10 http://tfl.nu/innz

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(253): View more from Washington

For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.

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(253): For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard. http://tfl.nu/hy6n

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(954): View more from Florida

i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.

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(954): i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed. http://tfl.nu/a1x5

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas

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(225): Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas http://tfl.nu/fkrh

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(518): you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!" http://tfl.nu/jby7

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(317): View more from Indiana

and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

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(317): and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way http://tfl.nu/pn6a

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(541): View more from Oregon

woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.

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(541): woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue. http://tfl.nu/skao

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(647): View more from Ontario

It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM

(416): View more from Toronto

From?

(647): View more from Ontario

Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...

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(647): It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM (416): From? (647): Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table... http://tfl.nu/hv77

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(719): View more from Colorado

I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.

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(719): I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me. http://tfl.nu/o08k

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(716): View more from New York

as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.

(1-716): View more from New York

momma always taught us never to change for a boy..

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(716): as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack. (1-716): momma always taught us never to change for a boy.. http://tfl.nu/3cjy

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(330): View more from Ohio

When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...

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(330): When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward... http://tfl.nu/3xfe

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(203): View more from Connecticut

On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.

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(203): On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk. http://tfl.nu/7fnb

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(650): View more from California

you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"

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(650): you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?" http://tfl.nu/9xhm

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

And that worked?

(919): View more from North Carolina

9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

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(919): So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night. (1-919): And that worked? (919): 9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards. http://tfl.nu/moso

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(630): View more from Illinois

I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.

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(630): I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building. http://tfl.nu/xm6j

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(646): View more from New York

we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..

(219): View more from Indiana

you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.

(646): View more from New York

nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..

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(646): we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest.. (219): you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked. (646): nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us.. http://tfl.nu/wc73

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(214): View more from Texas

new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.

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(214): new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5. http://tfl.nu/1dnu

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(281): View more from Texas

Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.

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(281): Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character. http://tfl.nu/f69z

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(718): View more from New York

you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...

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(718): you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water... http://tfl.nu/djs2

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"

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(603): sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!" http://tfl.nu/halh

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(416): View more from Toronto

Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.

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(416): Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck. http://tfl.nu/lba2

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.

(260): View more from Indiana

He probs deserved it.

(317): View more from Indiana

Every good man does.

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(317): I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell. (260): He probs deserved it. (317): Every good man does. http://tfl.nu/4ma5

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(770): View more from Georgia

At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.

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(770): At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night. http://tfl.nu/xigq

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(856): View more from New Jersey

i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong

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(856): i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong http://tfl.nu/5qbx

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(309): View more from Illinois

it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...

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(309): it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with... http://tfl.nu/q2va

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(206): View more from Washington

He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...

(1-206): View more from Washington

He obviously understands you completely.

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(206): He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes... (1-206): He obviously understands you completely. http://tfl.nu/r2fl

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(904): View more from Florida

bring the vodka.

(1-904): View more from Florida

i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

(904): View more from Florida

we are.

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(904): bring the vodka. (1-904): i thought we were going to mcdonalds..? (904): we are. http://tfl.nu/1144

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(404): View more from Georgia

She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"

(678): View more from Georgia

So... What happend then?

(404): View more from Georgia

We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.

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(404): She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating" (678): So... What happend then? (404): We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM. http://tfl.nu/3t62

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(616): View more from Michigan

They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar

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(616): They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar http://tfl.nu/bcnl

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(906): View more from Michigan

How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?

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(906): How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum? http://tfl.nu/z56i

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.

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(732): I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there. http://tfl.nu/dxiw

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(651): View more from Minnesota

She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

We should party with her soon

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(651): She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death. (715): We should party with her soon http://tfl.nu/q1hq

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(540): View more from Virginia

I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.

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(540): I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here. http://tfl.nu/rnyh

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.

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(504): I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna. http://tfl.nu/vetf

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(216): fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again. http://tfl.nu/nv5y

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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(905): I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now. http://tfl.nu/wxpj

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(440): View more from Ohio

Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks

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(440): Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks http://tfl.nu/nonu

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(502): View more from Kentucky

new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home

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(502): new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home http://tfl.nu/1gm8

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella

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(443): Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella http://tfl.nu/27sq

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(510): View more from California

stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work

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(510): stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work http://tfl.nu/9l6e

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(208): View more from Idaho

My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.

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(208): My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him. http://tfl.nu/oqtn

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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(506): I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer? (902): the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka. http://tfl.nu/rxlv

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(940): View more from Texas

we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.

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(940): we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts. http://tfl.nu/rlkg

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.

(404): View more from Georgia

you should get a family discount.

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(770): I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer. (404): you should get a family discount. http://tfl.nu/bl35

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(646): View more from New York

You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.

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(646): You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward. http://tfl.nu/aqj7

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(269): View more from Michigan

when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.

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(269): when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way. http://tfl.nu/230k

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(727): View more from Florida

It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.

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(727): It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics. http://tfl.nu/z8vb

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(817): View more from Texas

At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.

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(817): At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children. http://tfl.nu/trxp

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.

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(201): Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself. http://tfl.nu/3rwg

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.

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(709): She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship. http://tfl.nu/de5k

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?

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(201): My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud? http://tfl.nu/2vhi

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(636): View more from Missouri

you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.

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(636): you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me. http://tfl.nu/k5hc

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(989): View more from Michigan

no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".

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(989): no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed". http://tfl.nu/dmqo

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(585): View more from New York

He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.

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(585): He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius. http://tfl.nu/hqjt

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(847): View more from Illinois

She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.

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(847): She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night. http://tfl.nu/sdtr

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(250): View more from British Columbia

i think i recognize dicks better than faces

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(250): i think i recognize dicks better than faces http://tfl.nu/zcpp

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(858): View more from California

I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.

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(858): I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way. http://tfl.nu/w85x

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(248): View more from Michigan

i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...

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(248): i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times... http://tfl.nu/ibyk

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(269): View more from Michigan

I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.

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(269): I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck. http://tfl.nu/534s

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(740): View more from Ohio

He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over

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(740): He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over http://tfl.nu/br0o

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.

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(405): Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime. http://tfl.nu/065d

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.

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(203): I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious. http://tfl.nu/9dex

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(973): View more from New Jersey

My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"

(973): View more from New Jersey

That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"

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(973): My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items" (973): That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic" http://tfl.nu/yk9d

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.

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(918): On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break. http://tfl.nu/zpw8

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(480): View more from Arizona

I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness

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(480): I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness http://tfl.nu/10ex

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.

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(902): I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night. http://tfl.nu/vppz

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(418): View more from Quebec

I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.

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(418): I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach. http://tfl.nu/7gys

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(706): View more from Georgia

Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.

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(706): Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate. http://tfl.nu/5lpe

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(815): View more from Illinois

Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.

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(815): Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long. http://tfl.nu/t49w

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(847): View more from Illinois

Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?

(1-847): View more from Illinois

It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.

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(847): Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport? (1-847): It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok. http://tfl.nu/wou3

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(815): View more from Illinois

I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!

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(815): I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico! http://tfl.nu/4kc0

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(602): View more from Arizona

Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.

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(602): Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue. http://tfl.nu/w4nd

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(479): View more from Arkansas

You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

You got my ass fired just for knowing you

(479): View more from Arkansas

thanks for the bacon

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(479): You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment. (1-479): You got my ass fired just for knowing you (479): thanks for the bacon http://tfl.nu/zw0i

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off

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(215): the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off http://tfl.nu/gmrh

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail

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(403): ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail http://tfl.nu/cdhw

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(509): View more from Washington

I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.

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(509): I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man. http://tfl.nu/1swk

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(416): View more from Toronto

the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night

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(416): the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night http://tfl.nu/0qnk

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(443): View more from Maryland

Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.

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(443): Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable. http://tfl.nu/quma

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(425): View more from Washington

Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.

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(425): Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away. http://tfl.nu/ldh5

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(905): View more from Ontario

They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"

(905): View more from Ontario

And sadly I did.

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(905): They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?" (905): And sadly I did. http://tfl.nu/9e0f

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.

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(570): Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today. http://tfl.nu/c736

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(315): View more from New York

I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.

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(315): I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions. http://tfl.nu/6xcw

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(614): View more from Ohio

Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.

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(614): Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar. http://tfl.nu/j0wd

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.

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(610): You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila. http://tfl.nu/p50o

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(541): View more from Oregon

does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized

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(541): does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized http://tfl.nu/g99b

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(214): View more from Texas

I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.

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(214): I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now. http://tfl.nu/38zc

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(870): View more from Arkansas

It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?

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(870): It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you? http://tfl.nu/rq03

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

it's 1 pm.

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(203): i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words. (1-203): it's 1 pm. http://tfl.nu/0ewp

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(703): View more from Virginia

We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.

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(703): We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along. http://tfl.nu/ex0g

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(702): View more from Nevada

well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?

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(702): well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right? http://tfl.nu/0mj4

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(315): View more from New York

I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.

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(315): I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong. http://tfl.nu/20fz

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(905): View more from Ontario

She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.

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(905): She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was. http://tfl.nu/uuuj

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(614): View more from Ohio

I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.

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(614): I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon. http://tfl.nu/njuz

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance

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(336): i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance http://tfl.nu/wpko

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.

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(832): So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party. http://tfl.nu/a5ld

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(845): View more from New York

Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.

(716): View more from New York

gotta love spring break

(845): View more from New York

gotta love slutty girls from the south

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(845): Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy. (716): gotta love spring break (845): gotta love slutty girls from the south http://tfl.nu/ze0i

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(604): View more from British Columbia

his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed

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(604): his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed http://tfl.nu/zsvf

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(702): View more from Nevada

Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?

(636): View more from Missouri

anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence

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(702): Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls? (636): anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence http://tfl.nu/1u56

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(308): View more from Nebraska

whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.

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(308): whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on. http://tfl.nu/zd9d

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(586): View more from Michigan

Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?

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(586): Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule? http://tfl.nu/p75m

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."

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(401): We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this." http://tfl.nu/1p18

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(330): View more from Ohio

I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?

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(330): I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over? http://tfl.nu/p1bn

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(914): View more from New York

i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die

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(914): i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die http://tfl.nu/gzsu

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(804): View more from Virginia

I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store

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(804): I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store http://tfl.nu/eac9

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(206): View more from Washington

I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death

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(206): I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death http://tfl.nu/irfc

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.

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(732): i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that. http://tfl.nu/vsly

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(703): View more from Virginia

Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.

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(703): Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience. http://tfl.nu/jxin

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.

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(902): Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather. http://tfl.nu/j9u3

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(760): View more from California

You did not just play the dead husband card again.

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(760): You did not just play the dead husband card again. http://tfl.nu/xl50

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(813): View more from Florida

So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?

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(813): So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell? http://tfl.nu/9wrt

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?

(856): View more from New Jersey

Right after we had the just friends talk..

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(610): At what point last night did I start ordering doubles? (856): Right after we had the just friends talk.. http://tfl.nu/zby8

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.

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(203): Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin? (1-203): I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight. http://tfl.nu/pi9j

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(678): View more from Georgia

Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.

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(678): Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans. http://tfl.nu/jpyk

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(646): View more from New York

How are you going to be there by 9am?

(919): View more from North Carolina

Relax I always go to these conferences hung over

(646): View more from New York

You say that like it's a positive quality

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(646): How are you going to be there by 9am? (919): Relax I always go to these conferences hung over (646): You say that like it's a positive quality http://tfl.nu/xfjl

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?

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(215): How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers? http://tfl.nu/g3e9

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.

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(608): I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday. http://tfl.nu/an09

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(210): View more from Texas

I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.

(1-210): View more from Texas

I love milkshakes.

(210): View more from Texas

Not the point.

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(210): I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat. (1-210): I love milkshakes. (210): Not the point. http://tfl.nu/tb5t

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.

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(814): I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up. http://tfl.nu/mktj

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(727): View more from Florida

She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.

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(727): She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek. http://tfl.nu/rrn9

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(404): View more from Georgia

my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.

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(404): my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material. http://tfl.nu/r91w

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(585): View more from New York

I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.

(1-585): View more from New York

You are so irish.

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(585): I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better. (1-585): You are so irish. http://tfl.nu/pewr

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(631): View more from New York

what you doin?

(516): View more from New York

I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?

(631): View more from New York

reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life

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(631): what you doin? (516): I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you? (631): reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life http://tfl.nu/6c83

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.

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(202): Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology. http://tfl.nu/sp8t

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(805): View more from California

my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.

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(805): my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad. http://tfl.nu/fiwi

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(443): View more from Maryland

but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it

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(443): but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it http://tfl.nu/n2yq

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(817): Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him. http://tfl.nu/25q8

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(951): View more from California

So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.

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(951): So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked. http://tfl.nu/qprr

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(847): View more from Illinois

she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.

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(847): she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick. http://tfl.nu/abnm

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(706): View more from Georgia

Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later

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(706): Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later http://tfl.nu/a02r

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(702): View more from Nevada

explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.

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(702): explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now. http://tfl.nu/gc18

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(316): View more from Kansas

You love me.

(785): View more from Kansas

That's because, tragically, I adore whores.

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(316): You love me. (785): That's because, tragically, I adore whores. http://tfl.nu/7eph

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(516): View more from New York

I understand why you refuse to be sober now

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(516): I understand why you refuse to be sober now http://tfl.nu/j30b

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(618): View more from Illinois

the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux

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(618): the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux http://tfl.nu/x72r

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(641): View more from Iowa

Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.

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(641): Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that. http://tfl.nu/2jzp

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(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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(440): I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee (1-440): please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation http://tfl.nu/gydk

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(936): View more from Texas

he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.

(812): View more from Indiana

and...?

(936): View more from Texas

I told him it was alright.

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(936): he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him. (812): and...? (936): I told him it was alright. http://tfl.nu/yirn

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."

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(508): right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy." http://tfl.nu/262w

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(651): View more from Minnesota

All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.

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(651): All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow. http://tfl.nu/8b4m

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(209): View more from California

You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.

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(209): You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed. http://tfl.nu/9lg8

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(607): View more from New York

Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned

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(607): Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned http://tfl.nu/r5xe

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.

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(920): Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out. http://tfl.nu/bwpe

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(616): View more from Michigan

This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.

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(616): This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle. http://tfl.nu/b46q

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(937): View more from Ohio

He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.

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(937): He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face. http://tfl.nu/s86z

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.

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(413): I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3. http://tfl.nu/k38v

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.

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(610): I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families (570): That statement alone makes me laugh so hard. http://tfl.nu/jdb3

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(985): View more from Louisiana

He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"

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(985): He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it" http://tfl.nu/q1ud

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(336): View more from North Carolina

do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?

(828): View more from North Carolina

how high are you?

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(336): do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos? (828): how high are you? http://tfl.nu/9z76

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(503): View more from Oregon

if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.

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(503): if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up. http://tfl.nu/w9vg

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(323): View more from California

I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?

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(323): I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes? http://tfl.nu/rey6

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(303): View more from Colorado

i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed

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(303): i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed http://tfl.nu/xgm0

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(347): View more from New York

Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.

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(347): Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account. http://tfl.nu/m8a3

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup

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(508): i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup http://tfl.nu/58kh

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(561): View more from Florida

I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in

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(561): I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in http://tfl.nu/qgu1

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(216): View more from Ohio

I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.

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(216): I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips. http://tfl.nu/1ir1

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk

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(814): Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk http://tfl.nu/i4kc

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(863): View more from Florida

I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.

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(863): I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy. http://tfl.nu/ar0z

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(310): View more from California

do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?

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(310): do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking? http://tfl.nu/6m2c

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(860): View more from Connecticut

his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.

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(860): his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate. http://tfl.nu/ds0z

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star

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(202): you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star http://tfl.nu/tu9p

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(678): View more from Georgia

did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?

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(678): did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin? http://tfl.nu/67r3

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(440): View more from Ohio

Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.

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(440): Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place. http://tfl.nu/kait

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(425): View more from Washington

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

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(425): It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo." http://tfl.nu/u5wa

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(813): View more from Florida

He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL

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(813): He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL http://tfl.nu/4831

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(303): View more from Colorado

I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze

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(303): I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze http://tfl.nu/sp88

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(714): View more from California

turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker

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(714): turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker http://tfl.nu/o91j

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(207): View more from Maine

i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea

(1-207): View more from Maine

probs a good idea

(207): View more from Maine

i like the whole idea of life and being alive

(1-207): View more from Maine

you sure you're not high?

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(207): i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea (1-207): probs a good idea (207): i like the whole idea of life and being alive (1-207): you sure you're not high? http://tfl.nu/e7l1

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(954): View more from Florida

I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had

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(954): I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had http://tfl.nu/excp

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube

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(403): I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube http://tfl.nu/nmda

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(720): View more from Colorado

I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january

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(720): I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january http://tfl.nu/n365

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(515): View more from Iowa

I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"

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(515): I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that" http://tfl.nu/9edj

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(217): View more from Illinois

he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.

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(217): he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school. http://tfl.nu/g6u7

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(785): View more from Kansas

last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.

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(785): last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator. http://tfl.nu/ifrq

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(630): View more from Illinois

When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.

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(630): When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast. http://tfl.nu/nqf8

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(757): View more from Virginia

We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.

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(757): We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on. http://tfl.nu/8n2e

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(917): View more from New York City

did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?

(914): View more from New York

you mean faeutihaers?

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(917): did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night? (914): you mean faeutihaers? http://tfl.nu/mcba

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.

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(401): What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy. http://tfl.nu/6xxv

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(443): View more from Maryland

My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.

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(443): My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve. http://tfl.nu/bc9v

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(703): View more from Virginia

just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.

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(703): just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress. http://tfl.nu/rj37

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(517): View more from Michigan

Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.

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(517): Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early. http://tfl.nu/8f7a

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(818): View more from California

Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.

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(818): Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works. http://tfl.nu/ca8d

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.

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(413): My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers. http://tfl.nu/7b3u

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(631): View more from New York

is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?

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(631): is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys? http://tfl.nu/ew5s

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(973): View more from New Jersey

UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.

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(973): UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to. http://tfl.nu/mbqt

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(408): View more from California

I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate

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(408): I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate http://tfl.nu/wgyo

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(713): View more from Texas

jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life

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(713): jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life http://tfl.nu/bfvb

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.

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(306): Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire. http://tfl.nu/uvyh

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(406): View more from Montana

Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...

(303): View more from Colorado

Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?

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(406): Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack... (303): Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c? http://tfl.nu/og73

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead

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(336): I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead http://tfl.nu/oo5k

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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(908): I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain. http://tfl.nu/vwtj

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(305): View more from Florida

So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?

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(305): So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even? http://tfl.nu/nzpq

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(909): View more from California

The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.

(1-909): View more from California

3?

(909): View more from California

Me, myself and I

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(909): The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking. (1-909): 3? (909): Me, myself and I http://tfl.nu/gl4k

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(630): View more from Illinois

Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?

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(630): Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to? http://tfl.nu/fqx3

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(602): View more from Arizona

my dad is going to jail this weekend

(1-602): View more from Arizona

where are we going to get our weed from?

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(602): my dad is going to jail this weekend (1-602): where are we going to get our weed from? http://tfl.nu/lw00

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line

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(201): i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line http://tfl.nu/rmxl

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