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Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
It's official drugs can't kill me
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
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