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I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I booty called her while she was in labor.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
We just shotgunned beers for America
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
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