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FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Girls should come with a carfax report
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
sarcasm needs its own font
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
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