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And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
being pregnant is like rehab
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
he fucked my hip out of place.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
time to smoke my breakfast
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
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