2jzstang's Favorites Texts:

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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.

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  (701): Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy. http://tfl.nu/k5h7
  Replies (6) Good night (1143) Bad night (741) Order T-Shirt
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you

  (1-240): View more from Maryland

  Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina

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  (240): Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you (1-240): Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina http://tfl.nu/ytzu
  Replies (8) Good night (1175) Bad night (104)
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex

  (816): View more from Missouri

  ...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship

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  (816): You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex (816): ...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship http://tfl.nu/eny9
  Replies (3) Good night (884) Bad night (76)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.

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  (314): I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed. http://tfl.nu/a0tv
  Replies (4) Good night (784) Bad night (69) Order T-Shirt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.

  (804): View more from Virginia

  It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.

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  (773): That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin. (804): It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals. http://tfl.nu/mo3g
  Replies (9) Good night (2084) Bad night (481)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.

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  (717): Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene. http://tfl.nu/3l38
  Replies (8) Good night (4021) Bad night (452) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.

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  (630): I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide. http://tfl.nu/564g
  Replies (14) Good night (989) Bad night (615)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...

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  (303): So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him... http://tfl.nu/hlup
  Replies (9) Good night (1104) Bad night (349)
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.

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  (334): It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls. http://tfl.nu/cfx1
  Replies (7) Good night (1912) Bad night (691) Order T-Shirt
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.

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  (509): Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it. http://tfl.nu/l3y2
  Replies (2) Good night (544) Bad night (220)
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.

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  (208): Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind. http://tfl.nu/wqhb
  Replies (4) Good night (927) Bad night (306) Order T-Shirt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"

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  (814): I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!" http://tfl.nu/71ex
  Replies (11) Good night (467) Bad night (170) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom

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  (802): I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom http://tfl.nu/99fe
  Replies (1) Good night (365) Bad night (113) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.

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  (631): Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel. http://tfl.nu/lrsp
  Replies (17) Good night (4236) Bad night (617) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me

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  (850): Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me http://tfl.nu/sziw
  Replies (5) Good night (1561) Bad night (460) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party

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  (330): Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party http://tfl.nu/m7il
  Replies (4) Good night (1906) Bad night (567) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

  (802): View more from Vermont

  So basically you were a dog.

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  (860): This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground. (802): So basically you were a dog. http://tfl.nu/0n1s
  Replies (14) Good night (8039) Bad night (756)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.

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  (303): You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them. http://tfl.nu/oqni
  Replies (6) Good night (1497) Bad night (2697) Order T-Shirt
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving

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  (406): Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving http://tfl.nu/p7rm
  Replies (18) Good night (1968) Bad night (338) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.

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  (330): the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica. http://tfl.nu/9g1v
  Replies (0) Good night (373) Bad night (143) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.

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  (816): I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome. http://tfl.nu/4io1
  Replies (3) Good night (739) Bad night (152) Order T-Shirt
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.

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  (423): hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT. http://tfl.nu/qhme
  Replies (5) Good night (1371) Bad night (200) Order T-Shirt
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.

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  (660): On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics. http://tfl.nu/mn1y
  Replies (24) Good night (2536) Bad night (336) Order T-Shirt
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  (+45): View more from Denmark

  Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?

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  (+45): Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction? http://tfl.nu/7i71
  Replies (18) Good night (700) Bad night (997) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.

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  (847): I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message. http://tfl.nu/fe15
  Replies (1) Good night (891) Bad night (181) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt

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  (732): Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt http://tfl.nu/9gi1
  Replies (22) Good night (3013) Bad night (636) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.

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  (402): I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted. http://tfl.nu/yox0
  Replies (27) Good night (7861) Bad night (1007)
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.

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  (609): I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot. http://tfl.nu/64ct
  Replies (14) Good night (2270) Bad night (491) Order T-Shirt
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.

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  (307): I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why. (303): Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube. http://tfl.nu/4s63
  Replies (3) Good night (1616) Bad night (344)
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  (707): View more from California

  I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.

  (1-707): View more from California

  Put down the everclear and go to bed.

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  (707): I kinda wanna eat your hands right now. (1-707): Put down the everclear and go to bed. http://tfl.nu/rmaf
  Replies (1) Good night (1734) Bad night (415) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."

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  (303): My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..." http://tfl.nu/535j
  Replies (5) Good night (974) Bad night (191) Order T-Shirt
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.

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  (905): His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines. http://tfl.nu/30ox
  Replies (9) Good night (692) Bad night (1643) Order T-Shirt
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  (469): View more from Texas

  I'm going through a really dark time right now

  (214): View more from Texas

  I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up

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  (469): I'm going through a really dark time right now (214): I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up http://tfl.nu/zlw3
  Replies (5) Good night (400) Bad night (1249)
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.

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  (810): I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP. http://tfl.nu/97xo
  Replies (7) Good night (2173) Bad night (289) Order T-Shirt
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly

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  (309): well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly http://tfl.nu/pg5j
  Replies (4) Good night (2201) Bad night (311)
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."

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  (973): Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke." http://tfl.nu/posr
  Replies (5) Good night (1833) Bad night (552) Order T-Shirt
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk

  (813): View more from Florida

  Crosswalk actually

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  (941): Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk (813): Crosswalk actually http://tfl.nu/wtpi
  Replies (3) Good night (1361) Bad night (781)
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?

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  (208): And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs? http://tfl.nu/xb1m
  Replies (2) Good night (1346) Bad night (377) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"

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  (732): The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out" http://tfl.nu/fcdr
  Replies (5) Good night (974) Bad night (1882)
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  (805): View more from California

  If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived

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  (805): If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived http://tfl.nu/668l
  Replies (5) Good night (673) Bad night (229) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.

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  (816): Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on. http://tfl.nu/u2o1
  Replies (13) Good night (1736) Bad night (309) Order T-Shirt
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN

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  (574): I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN http://tfl.nu/b0a5
  Replies (1) Good night (564) Bad night (163) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?

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  (315): My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero? http://tfl.nu/se5g
  Replies (5) Good night (1280) Bad night (190)
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.

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  (906): We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad. http://tfl.nu/iebd
  Replies (10) Good night (1637) Bad night (230) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.

  (1-360): View more from Washington

  It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.

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  (360): I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance. (1-360): It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot. http://tfl.nu/be8l
  Replies (3) Good night (1284) Bad night (206)
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.

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  (904): Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake. http://tfl.nu/mh4i
  Replies (9) Good night (531) Bad night (744) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.

  (315): View more from New York

  Who is this?!????

  (518): View more from New York

  That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.

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  (518): That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook. (315): Who is this?!???? (518): That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger. http://tfl.nu/487m
  Replies (7) Good night (2876) Bad night (254)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...

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  (617): A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain... http://tfl.nu/gy86
  Replies (4) Good night (905) Bad night (248) Order T-Shirt
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.

  (269): View more from Michigan

  7) Noodle arms: engage

  (269): View more from Michigan

  The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.

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  (269): 1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all. (269): 7) Noodle arms: engage (269): The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right. http://tfl.nu/5w2m
  Replies (8) Good night (1194) Bad night (168)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce

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  (404): I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce http://tfl.nu/fuvv
  Replies (8) Good night (989) Bad night (225) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.

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  (757): Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there. http://tfl.nu/k4p8
  Replies (0) Good night (548) Bad night (165) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"

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  (919): you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches" http://tfl.nu/j1kh
  Replies (2) Good night (722) Bad night (263) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.

  (507): View more from Minnesota

  I can't wait to read your obituary.

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  (815): Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her. (507): I can't wait to read your obituary. http://tfl.nu/uin6
  Replies (4) Good night (1012) Bad night (168)
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.

  (770): View more from Georgia

  Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.

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  (770): Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer. (770): Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand. http://tfl.nu/1fds
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.

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  (904): Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one. http://tfl.nu/jh8z
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  maybe i'll see you again later :)

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I'd rather shit a knife.

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  (612): maybe i'll see you again later :) (774): I'd rather shit a knife. http://tfl.nu/qge0
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

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  (443): We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status. http://tfl.nu/kzoi
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?

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  (504): how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades? http://tfl.nu/s5wu
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  You mean bread?

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  (678): All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast? (404): You mean bread? http://tfl.nu/0bp8
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  (206): View more from Washington

  You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..

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  (206): You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack.. http://tfl.nu/nf69
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  (626): View more from California

  Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

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  (626): Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is. http://tfl.nu/41jw
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"

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  (970): Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker" http://tfl.nu/30jj
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  (917): View more from New York City

  you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

  (917): View more from New York City

  no it doesn't.

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  (917): you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere. (720): ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning... (917): no it doesn't. http://tfl.nu/6x89
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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  (617): I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again. http://tfl.nu/qw6q
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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  (301): Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort. http://tfl.nu/ivbh
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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  (301): i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test http://tfl.nu/616n
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  (718): View more from New York

  bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

  (917): View more from New York City

  I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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  (718): bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch (917): I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation http://tfl.nu/gosl
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

  (850): View more from Florida

  I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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  (850): Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave? (850): I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife http://tfl.nu/5iik
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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  (513): You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing. http://tfl.nu/rrc8
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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  (541): So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward http://tfl.nu/dpap
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.

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  (919): All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on. http://tfl.nu/8snd
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  (512): View more from Texas

  If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.

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  (512): If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok. http://tfl.nu/1awh
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?

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  (205): You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street? http://tfl.nu/z15o
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross

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  (740): Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross http://tfl.nu/1tyn
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole

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  (617): Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole http://tfl.nu/3dil
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  (806): View more from Texas

  First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.

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  (806): First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored. http://tfl.nu/7kgx
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  (425): View more from Washington

  i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house

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  (425): i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house http://tfl.nu/3ff4
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?

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  (267): Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am? http://tfl.nu/20h1
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers

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  (859): The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers http://tfl.nu/vamg
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun

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  (616): Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night. (402): 20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun http://tfl.nu/qbq0
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.

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  (651): Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz. http://tfl.nu/u6wd
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?

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  (615): Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes? http://tfl.nu/jms8
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP

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  (630): This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP http://tfl.nu/camw
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  (408): View more from California

  Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.

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  (408): Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA. http://tfl.nu/jstd
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.

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  (775): He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants. http://tfl.nu/n2nz
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  (415): View more from California

  we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"

  (707): View more from California

  communist

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  (415): we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own" (707): communist http://tfl.nu/tujw
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.

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  (330): Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants. http://tfl.nu/3hnq
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.

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  (440): The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult. http://tfl.nu/70ah
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  (731): View more from Tennessee

  Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.

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  (731): Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me. http://tfl.nu/smua
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.

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  (206): I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it. http://tfl.nu/fi43
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  And the results, officer?

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  She's fucked.

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  (401): I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle. (978): And the results, officer? (401): She's fucked. http://tfl.nu/1koh
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION

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  (610): IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION http://tfl.nu/utlo
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.

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  (770): You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask. http://tfl.nu/fd4w
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference

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  (240): the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference http://tfl.nu/iojb
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.

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  (330): He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious. http://tfl.nu/rluf
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..

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  (781): You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet.. http://tfl.nu/rd8s
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?

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  (630): Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding? http://tfl.nu/gie6
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.

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  (402): Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag. http://tfl.nu/nvod
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive

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  (804): Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive http://tfl.nu/45br
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.

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  (907): Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid. http://tfl.nu/45so
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"

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  (757): Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos" http://tfl.nu/ucb4
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...

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  (720): Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire... http://tfl.nu/8q2n
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  (818): View more from California

  We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.

  (619): View more from California

  I will find you...

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  (818): We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank. (619): I will find you... http://tfl.nu/dshk
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.

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  (765): I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning. http://tfl.nu/djj8
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.

  (1-828): View more from North Carolina

  Did someone catch you and fuck you?

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  (828): I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes. (1-828): Did someone catch you and fuck you? http://tfl.nu/onw1
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming

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  (403): Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming http://tfl.nu/n2ay
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...

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  (580): Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass... http://tfl.nu/ix5i
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  (650): View more from California

  Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp

  (1-650): View more from California

  i loe djcudia fjxos rue.

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  (650): Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp (1-650): i loe djcudia fjxos rue. http://tfl.nu/pfpy
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  (979): View more from Texas

  It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.

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  (979): It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun. http://tfl.nu/ajrj
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.

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  (973): Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless. http://tfl.nu/9nhz
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*

  (1-828): View more from North Carolina

  omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.

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  (828): Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist* (1-828): omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too. http://tfl.nu/j31b
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.

  (586): View more from Michigan

  ...how and why.

  (248): View more from Michigan

  PARENTS ARE MAGIC.

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  (248): I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS. (586): ...how and why. (248): PARENTS ARE MAGIC. http://tfl.nu/swgi
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.

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  (337): Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work. http://tfl.nu/3b5u
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye

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  (307): I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye http://tfl.nu/lqr2
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  (424): View more from California

  The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "

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  (424): The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here " http://tfl.nu/afkn
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.

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  (563): You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say. http://tfl.nu/uumg
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back

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  (617): some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back http://tfl.nu/e5xr
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs

  (602): View more from Arizona

  My work here is done

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  (520): I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs (602): My work here is done http://tfl.nu/ashb
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

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  (215): Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you. http://tfl.nu/su7n
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.

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  (360): I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise. http://tfl.nu/2iu1
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON

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  (610): BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON http://tfl.nu/ic7e
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  (916): View more from California

  My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"

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  (916): My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower" http://tfl.nu/qx3d
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land

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  (812): I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land http://tfl.nu/d4a5
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  eyebrows regrow, your balls dont

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  (215): if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise. (609): eyebrows regrow, your balls dont http://tfl.nu/311u
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.

  (1-406): View more from Montana

  Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.

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  (406): Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever. (1-406): Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible. http://tfl.nu/2r6p
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  (509): View more from Washington

  So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did

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  (509): So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did http://tfl.nu/hjy4
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  (344): View more from

  So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  They're waiting for you to die

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  (344): So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof (774): They're waiting for you to die http://tfl.nu/5pk9
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.

  (404): View more from Georgia

  I'm a corrupt cop.

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  (678): You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably. (404): I'm a corrupt cop. http://tfl.nu/teya
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  (631): View more from New York

  He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.

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  (631): He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims. http://tfl.nu/mqeu
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.

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  (902): I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas. http://tfl.nu/cu8d
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  (714): View more from California

  Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick

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  (714): Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick http://tfl.nu/zf2b
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...

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  (270): I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night... http://tfl.nu/q37f
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.

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  (912): If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight. http://tfl.nu/iyrl
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  151 hangover. Need apocalypse.

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  (330): 151 hangover. Need apocalypse. http://tfl.nu/xu7i
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).

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  (719): She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree). http://tfl.nu/fkun
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.

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  (330): My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story. http://tfl.nu/g1cp
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink

  (815): View more from Illinois

  I care about my drink far more than her feelings

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  (507): I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink (815): I care about my drink far more than her feelings http://tfl.nu/v6if
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.

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  (801): He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class. http://tfl.nu/8fc4
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?

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  (+44): Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card? http://tfl.nu/fw4l
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  (518): View more from New York

  You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with

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  (518): You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with http://tfl.nu/vbdb
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals

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  (651): Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals http://tfl.nu/rxm6
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

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  (321): I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it. http://tfl.nu/0ggm
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.

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  (312): I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other. http://tfl.nu/w5qg
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.

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  (904): Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do. http://tfl.nu/0tan
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON

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  (314): Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON http://tfl.nu/vk77
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325

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  (910): Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly. (910): im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325 http://tfl.nu/vc15
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"

  (815): View more from Illinois

  I stand by it.

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  (507): You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her" (815): I stand by it. http://tfl.nu/atfq
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.

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  (202): I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone. http://tfl.nu/ocz4
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  (801): View more from Utah

  You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.

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  (801): You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good. http://tfl.nu/w4bo
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.

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  (904): Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN. http://tfl.nu/2f4k
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you

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  (586): I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you http://tfl.nu/0vyd
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.

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  (775): Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob. http://tfl.nu/q4zv
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  (386): View more from Florida

  Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?

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  (386): Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right? http://tfl.nu/g0nq
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.

  (1-410): View more from Maryland

  Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here

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  (443): They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing. (1-410): Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here http://tfl.nu/0wca
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.

  (1-309): View more from Illinois

  Tis the season.

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  (309): I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring. (1-309): Tis the season. http://tfl.nu/pjke
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me

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  (630): Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me http://tfl.nu/sh43
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.

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  (617): The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie. http://tfl.nu/3kb9
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  (435): View more from Utah

  I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!

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  (435): I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!! http://tfl.nu/1ljj
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.

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  (269): My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers. http://tfl.nu/z1x9
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS

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  (614): TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG (1-614): HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS http://tfl.nu/fp5t
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.

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  (913): The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops. http://tfl.nu/e530
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  (646): View more from New York

  I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.

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  (646): I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could. http://tfl.nu/xxra
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?

  (708): View more from Illinois

  Most creative movie date proposition... ever.

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  (630): Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes? (708): Most creative movie date proposition... ever. http://tfl.nu/whek
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...

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  (404): I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle... http://tfl.nu/sqj1
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.

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  (609): i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen. http://tfl.nu/t0rk
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

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  (312): We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time. http://tfl.nu/tvg3
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.

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  (715): I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night. http://tfl.nu/5yhi
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Wat

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  (612): There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday. (763): like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo (612): Wat http://tfl.nu/5jqo
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.

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  (307): She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche. http://tfl.nu/hl4o
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.

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  (330): Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing. http://tfl.nu/k9wn
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef

  (240): View more from Maryland

  Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  That is the exact response I was looking for.

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  (202): Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef (240): Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst! (202): That is the exact response I was looking for. http://tfl.nu/qkl0
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.

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  (307): The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday. http://tfl.nu/9x49
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.

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  (937): I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it. http://tfl.nu/wtlk
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.

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  (720): We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins. http://tfl.nu/ctwf
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.

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  (720): I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned. http://tfl.nu/lcb4
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.

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  (309): new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey. http://tfl.nu/5gwc
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  (718): View more from New York

  He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!

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  (718): He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!! http://tfl.nu/xa33
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.

  (913): View more from Kansas

  1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me

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  (913): How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways. (913): 1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me http://tfl.nu/tb9a
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?

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  (989): Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember? http://tfl.nu/1p12
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?

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  (778): On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check? http://tfl.nu/1mv7
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.

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  (419): i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go. http://tfl.nu/8sa8
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.

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  (847): I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE (1-847): This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to. http://tfl.nu/xeyh
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...

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  (803): I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid... http://tfl.nu/m79e
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.

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  (843): I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower. http://tfl.nu/3pc6
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Promise me you won't have sex in my room

  (248): View more from Michigan

  I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.

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  (954): Promise me you won't have sex in my room (248): I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try (248): Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge. http://tfl.nu/lf7v
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.

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  (301): It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have. http://tfl.nu/pc4d
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  (657): View more from California

  He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"

  (818): View more from California

  this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!

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  (657): He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up" (818): this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!! http://tfl.nu/b19c
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.

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  (281): Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real. http://tfl.nu/xx9a
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?

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  (602): You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me? http://tfl.nu/mi92
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.

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  (317): When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work. http://tfl.nu/4lb8
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.

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  (304): I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything. http://tfl.nu/5k96
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.

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  (337): Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE. http://tfl.nu/9lhc
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  (360): View more from Washington

  You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.

  (1-360): View more from Washington

  I'm puking in a turkey pan....

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  (360): You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal. (1-360): I'm puking in a turkey pan.... http://tfl.nu/y4jv
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  (+49): View more from Germany

  I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!

  (303): View more from Colorado

  It's a Tuesday.

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  (+49): I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier! (303): It's a Tuesday. http://tfl.nu/jt9q
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  (845): View more from New York

  It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.

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  (845): It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother. http://tfl.nu/ow2i
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  Did she say Ok?

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  (512): Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA! (1-512): Did she say Ok? http://tfl.nu/jji5
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles

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  (808): Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles http://tfl.nu/r6w3
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.

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  (512): I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight. http://tfl.nu/hr3p
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  (845): View more from New York

  just woke up under a car ? That's odd

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Holy fucking shit

  (845): View more from New York

  WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT

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  (845): just woke up under a car ? That's odd (603): Holy fucking shit (845): WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT http://tfl.nu/jvxr
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.

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  (312): My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass. http://tfl.nu/uedc
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?

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  (334): Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything? http://tfl.nu/366l
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.

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  (303): Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish. http://tfl.nu/hxa3
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.

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  (717): You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep. http://tfl.nu/lypi
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.

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  (813): Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich. http://tfl.nu/j6pr
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  (585): View more from New York

  Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.

  (1-585): View more from New York

  How high are you?

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  (585): Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies. (1-585): How high are you? http://tfl.nu/ixro
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life

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  (618): She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life http://tfl.nu/m1em
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale

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  (304): I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale http://tfl.nu/3k6s
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.

  (1+61): View more from

  Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.

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  (+61): I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover. (1+61): Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer. http://tfl.nu/so7s
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door

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  (336): We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door http://tfl.nu/uhw2
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  (831): View more from California

  if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please

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  (831): if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please http://tfl.nu/sfv9
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.

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  (765): According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top. http://tfl.nu/djvr
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.

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  (617): We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water. http://tfl.nu/gx4i
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?

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  (404): When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012? http://tfl.nu/cat9
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Alls I remember is making out with that chick.

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Nope that was a dude

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  (651): Alls I remember is making out with that chick. (612): Nope that was a dude http://tfl.nu/9vd8
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  (727): View more from Florida

  This is John, I met you downtown last night.

  (407): View more from Florida

  Oh, ok.

  (727): View more from Florida

  This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night

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  (727): This is John, I met you downtown last night. (407): Oh, ok. (727): This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night http://tfl.nu/3jh8
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.

  (1-201): View more from New Jersey

  Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!

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  (201): I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine. (1-201): Why is there even a knowledge base for that?! http://tfl.nu/9uxx
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  (435): View more from Utah

  Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.

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  (435): Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that. http://tfl.nu/d2qc
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  (650): View more from California

  Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens

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  (650): Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens http://tfl.nu/mv4i
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?

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  (302): Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech? http://tfl.nu/c3aa
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.

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  (724): No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology. http://tfl.nu/e8xh
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.

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  (443): You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are. http://tfl.nu/njd0
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  (914): View more from New York

  I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.

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  (914): I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go. http://tfl.nu/xxmp
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch

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  (815): Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch http://tfl.nu/nhct
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.

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  (614): Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on. http://tfl.nu/zmme
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.

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  (512): I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air. http://tfl.nu/cigy
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.

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  (231): It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me. http://tfl.nu/2ez8
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.

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  (308): The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it. http://tfl.nu/le1i
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND

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  (215): OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND http://tfl.nu/fivf
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.

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  (541): Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule. http://tfl.nu/eokl
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  (213): View more from California

  Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.

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  (213): Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave. http://tfl.nu/dd7g
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.

  (1-715): View more from Wisconsin

  Is that what happened to my face?!

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  (715): There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders. (1-715): Is that what happened to my face?! http://tfl.nu/edsg
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.

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  (248): He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it. http://tfl.nu/f1b3
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face

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  (319): I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face http://tfl.nu/7v6p
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  (619): View more from California

  He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.

  (760): View more from California

  Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.

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  (619): He is just a personification of a vodka hangover. (760): Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes. http://tfl.nu/e8aw
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  (347): View more from New York

  There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery

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  (347): There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery http://tfl.nu/86su
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...

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  (403): So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine... http://tfl.nu/hixx
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.

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  (515): We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all. http://tfl.nu/if2m
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today

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  (412): You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today http://tfl.nu/so0a
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  (415): View more from California

  Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.

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  (415): Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol. http://tfl.nu/dlev
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?

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  (503): How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor? http://tfl.nu/eg7j
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Drink for every country you've never heard of.

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Fuuuuuuuuuck

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  (815): Drink for every country you've never heard of. (630): Fuuuuuuuuuck http://tfl.nu/g5f9
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  (212): View more from New York

  He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode

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  (212): He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode http://tfl.nu/pfoq
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.

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  (740): Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to. http://tfl.nu/nnoc
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado

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  (828): Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado http://tfl.nu/of4e
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.

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  (612): Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck. http://tfl.nu/dnyr
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  (818): View more from California

  No...this little piggys going to the bar

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  (818): No...this little piggys going to the bar http://tfl.nu/e3y1
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka

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  (775): If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka http://tfl.nu/1i63
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.

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  (414): Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask. http://tfl.nu/qumd
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut

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  (605): captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut http://tfl.nu/q1db
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  (925): View more from California

  Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.

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  (925): Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious. http://tfl.nu/2nhd
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  (212): View more from New York

  You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.

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  (212): You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band. http://tfl.nu/ldj0
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  (562): View more from California

  Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.

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  (562): Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real. http://tfl.nu/tp53
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.

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  (306): No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit. http://tfl.nu/ncdk
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.

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  (817): I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins. http://tfl.nu/povt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.

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  (919): I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline. http://tfl.nu/f3bf
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.

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  (317): I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying. http://tfl.nu/n8th
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville

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  (574): i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville http://tfl.nu/bgwo
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  (661): View more from California

  Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.

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  (661): Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears. http://tfl.nu/33uz
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Sorry my hands just texted you

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  (613): Sorry my hands just texted you http://tfl.nu/r5db
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.

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  (308): I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll. http://tfl.nu/yzo7
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.

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  (703): Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who. http://tfl.nu/55li
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.

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  (586): We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard. http://tfl.nu/e4oz
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.

  (678): View more from Georgia

  Yea. I'm excited about this party too

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  (770): Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand. (678): Yea. I'm excited about this party too http://tfl.nu/ksx0
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.

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  (602): Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom. http://tfl.nu/31f5
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Almost there.

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.

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  (402): Almost there. (1-402): define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway. http://tfl.nu/xjed
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck

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  (412): I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck http://tfl.nu/1t6b
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.

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  (316): You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are. http://tfl.nu/chox
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  (631): View more from New York

  The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.

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  (631): The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason. http://tfl.nu/mydy
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

  (540): View more from Virginia

  You guys make me sad

  (703): View more from Virginia

  You misspelled jealous there

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  (703): We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone. (540): You guys make me sad (703): You misspelled jealous there http://tfl.nu/wtst
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.

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  (757): Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you. http://tfl.nu/fb35
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

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  (708): sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed http://tfl.nu/38z7
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  (305): View more from Florida

  The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.

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  (305): The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies. http://tfl.nu/h31z
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  (206): View more from Washington

  "Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha

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  (206): "Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha http://tfl.nu/1j7y
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.

  (330): View more from Ohio

  Understatement of the year.

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  (440): Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions. (330): Understatement of the year. http://tfl.nu/jbsv
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.

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  (519): All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am. http://tfl.nu/roar
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though

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  (601): Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though http://tfl.nu/7jbg
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.

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  (206): Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended. http://tfl.nu/3jtg
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.

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  (412): I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral. http://tfl.nu/cumu
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  (619): View more from California

  No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.

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  (619): No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch. http://tfl.nu/4axa
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!

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  (970): Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!! http://tfl.nu/2nfr
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I told you those kegels would come in handy one day

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  (303): If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina (401): I told you those kegels would come in handy one day http://tfl.nu/ed4f
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  (206): View more from Washington

  He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.

  (415): View more from California

  Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.

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  (206): He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit. (415): Use your nursing skills for good, not evil. http://tfl.nu/0k9b
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  (716): View more from New York

  The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.

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  (716): The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us. http://tfl.nu/j1ej
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."

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  (302): Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back." http://tfl.nu/49s7
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.

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  (570): I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women. (570): You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force. http://tfl.nu/ij9q
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.

  (1-256): View more from Alabama

  I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them

  (256): View more from Alabama

  FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT

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  (256): I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship. (1-256): I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them (256): FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT http://tfl.nu/i1rw
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  (972): View more from Texas

  I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.

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  (972): I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls. http://tfl.nu/wzfh
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?

  (1-262): View more from Wisconsin

  Yupp. And someone's bleeding

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  (262): And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right? (1-262): Yupp. And someone's bleeding http://tfl.nu/ez4o
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Gym?

  (801): View more from Utah

  Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.

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  (503): Gym? (801): Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants. http://tfl.nu/eaoe
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"

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  (573): He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut" http://tfl.nu/oeuu
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey

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  (401): There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey http://tfl.nu/j5zf
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  (714): View more from California

  I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed

  (949): View more from California

  Someone's stooooned

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  (714): I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed (949): Someone's stooooned http://tfl.nu/d50z
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...

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  (407): I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow... http://tfl.nu/1e3j
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  (567): View more from Ohio

  I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.

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  (567): I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it. http://tfl.nu/gm4t
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar

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  (410): Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar http://tfl.nu/p9qp
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..

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  (443): So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses.. http://tfl.nu/gsxe
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...

  (320): View more from Minnesota

  He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.

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  (320): He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick... (320): He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis. http://tfl.nu/fuv3
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..

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  (419): He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk.. http://tfl.nu/th8z
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS

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  (336): MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS http://tfl.nu/4mur
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  (916): View more from California

  I'm back here naked if anyones wondering

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  (916): I'm back here naked if anyones wondering http://tfl.nu/k937
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  (916): View more from California

  No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.

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  (916): No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street. http://tfl.nu/lc9z
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  (786): View more from Florida

  What vodka is american?

  (1-786): View more from Florida

  Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.

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  (786): What vodka is american? (1-786): Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july. http://tfl.nu/p6uy
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.

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  (309): We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously. http://tfl.nu/aavt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO

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  (919): OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO http://tfl.nu/dlgw
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  (716): View more from New York

  this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon

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  (716): this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon http://tfl.nu/3rl3
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?

  (1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit

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  (412): How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body? (1-412): Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit http://tfl.nu/2oue
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.

  (309): View more from Illinois

  Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?

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  (618): Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off. (309): Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay? http://tfl.nu/53dx
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser

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  (262): what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser http://tfl.nu/r42a
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero

  (618): View more from Illinois

  I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.

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  (618): He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero (618): I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome. http://tfl.nu/8x23
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.

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  (401): My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar. http://tfl.nu/tapz
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  The pigeons can smell the fear

  (1+44): View more from

  Wtf

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  (+44): The pigeons can smell the fear (1+44): Wtf http://tfl.nu/89q6
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.

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  (224): We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods. http://tfl.nu/n3ep
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.

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  (416): Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life. http://tfl.nu/bd2a
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us

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  (702): She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us http://tfl.nu/hsu0
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.

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  (973): If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will. http://tfl.nu/voi6
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  (818): View more from California

  He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing

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  (818): He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing http://tfl.nu/62aj
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.

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  (610): How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you. http://tfl.nu/fpwy
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it

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  (330): You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it http://tfl.nu/ejzt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  You said your dick dragged you up the stairs

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  (207): You said your dick dragged you up the stairs http://tfl.nu/g6yn
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2

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  (336): He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2 http://tfl.nu/rjqf
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.

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  (330): Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it. http://tfl.nu/tfef
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?

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  (503): All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for? http://tfl.nu/oe9a
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry

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  (219): I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry http://tfl.nu/lrp2
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.

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  (785): im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit. http://tfl.nu/en3h
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.

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  (513): Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in. http://tfl.nu/71lv
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire

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  (810): I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire http://tfl.nu/lsgu
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping

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  (717): my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping http://tfl.nu/xy2e
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.

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  (+44): Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world. (303): Welcome to America. You're gonna love it. http://tfl.nu/yt2w
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??

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  (+44): after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex?? http://tfl.nu/i4wa
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  (914): View more from New York

  Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.

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  (914): Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game. http://tfl.nu/xx77
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  (714): View more from California

  walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

  (714): View more from California

  he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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  (714): walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined (714): he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day http://tfl.nu/76ot
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!

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  (724): I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw! http://tfl.nu/e9vz
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever

  (509): View more from Washington

  but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid

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  (412): you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever (509): but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid http://tfl.nu/bu4c
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.

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  (314): There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign. http://tfl.nu/jmkr
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen

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  (732): I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen http://tfl.nu/5vux
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood

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  (870): There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood http://tfl.nu/fo50
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  (818): View more from California

  My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club

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  (818): My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club http://tfl.nu/p6gc
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.

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  (832): He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass. http://tfl.nu/my94
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH

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  (781): I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH http://tfl.nu/y9eb
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck

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  (720): Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck http://tfl.nu/51rp
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,

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  (302): Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers, http://tfl.nu/ct0l
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?

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  (401): Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen? http://tfl.nu/0v6w
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success

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  (413): This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame (774): I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success http://tfl.nu/49mo
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  (818): View more from California

  Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?

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  (818): Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs? http://tfl.nu/leke
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.

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  (416): I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting. http://tfl.nu/0atv
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.

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  (708): I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure. http://tfl.nu/qn53
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.

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  (937): Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams. http://tfl.nu/nyo6
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"

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  (859): When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs" http://tfl.nu/jaco
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?

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  (203): If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche? http://tfl.nu/avjw
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.

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  (973): Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not. http://tfl.nu/kqhm
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!

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  (519): My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!! http://tfl.nu/hi1l
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  (424): View more from California

  You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.

  (1-424): View more from California

  The hell is wrong with me

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  (424): You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks. (1-424): The hell is wrong with me http://tfl.nu/smgq
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.

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  (978): we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on. http://tfl.nu/cjzk
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  (801): View more from Utah

  She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.

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  (801): She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever. http://tfl.nu/p8e4
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  (760): View more from California

  She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.

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  (760): She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome. http://tfl.nu/43xh
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  You almost set me on fire last night.

  (1-732): View more from New Jersey

  You probably deserved it.

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  (732): You almost set me on fire last night. (1-732): You probably deserved it. http://tfl.nu/ggaf
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!

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  (512): I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate! http://tfl.nu/aytf
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...

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  (816): I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility (910): well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is... http://tfl.nu/9yjx
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.

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  (202): This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point. http://tfl.nu/l1mt
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  (352): View more from Florida

  The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"

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  (352): The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again" http://tfl.nu/25pr
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out

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  (505): Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out http://tfl.nu/4j6r
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  (949): View more from California

  I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library

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  (949): I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library http://tfl.nu/heel
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.

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  (508): Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated. http://tfl.nu/0bri
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!

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  (614): This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up! http://tfl.nu/jjmt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.

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  (330): would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles. http://tfl.nu/usa7
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.

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  (410): She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else. http://tfl.nu/yur0
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".

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  (+44): Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff". http://tfl.nu/952s
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.

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  (205): Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation. http://tfl.nu/ln89
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!

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  (704): To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast. (704): Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger! http://tfl.nu/sya3
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?

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  (613): Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you? http://tfl.nu/o3d1
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?

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  (206): Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public? http://tfl.nu/ycaq
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance

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  (732): got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance http://tfl.nu/oovm
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".

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  (920): watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro". http://tfl.nu/wzks
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  (631): View more from New York

  I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.

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  (631): I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation. http://tfl.nu/bilr
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.

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  (202): I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing. http://tfl.nu/xvl1
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  probably "functioning vagina, must touch"

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  (228): I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her? (601): probably "functioning vagina, must touch" http://tfl.nu/w791
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing

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  (856): I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing http://tfl.nu/iy02
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  (424): View more from California

  Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.

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  (424): Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus. http://tfl.nu/3sel
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  (207): View more from Maine

  It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.

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  (207): It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective. http://tfl.nu/0c9h
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.

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  (937): I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart. http://tfl.nu/okmj
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.

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  (617): pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle. http://tfl.nu/r2o0
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.

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  (712): Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled. http://tfl.nu/c6e6
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.

  (1-440): View more from Ohio

  That's better than I've done so far.

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  (440): Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today. (1-440): That's better than I've done so far. http://tfl.nu/4hrm
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.

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  (541): And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background. http://tfl.nu/q3vc
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.

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  (419): When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all. http://tfl.nu/xpv5
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.

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  (905): sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night. http://tfl.nu/nv7h
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.

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  (902): Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control. http://tfl.nu/b8uq
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.

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  (864): If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up. http://tfl.nu/qg7h
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  (916): View more from California

  She said she liked strap-ons.

  (1-916): View more from California

  SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!

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  (916): She said she liked strap-ons. (1-916): SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER! http://tfl.nu/41v6
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Bad breakup?

  (1-410): View more from Maryland

  He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.

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  (410): Bad breakup? (1-410): He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB. http://tfl.nu/4dsn
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.

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  (847): I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never. http://tfl.nu/n83d
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.

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  (419): I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck. http://tfl.nu/c5ir
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  (714): View more from California

  Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.

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  (714): Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee. http://tfl.nu/zv29
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  (904): View more from Florida

  He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.

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  (904): He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer. http://tfl.nu/iriu
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?

  (1-708): View more from Illinois

  head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way

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  (708): is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower? (1-708): head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way http://tfl.nu/d98n
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.

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  (918): She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup. http://tfl.nu/rkhg
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  (914): View more from New York

  He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?

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  (914): He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption? http://tfl.nu/z5ix
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I'm pregnant.

  (1-407): View more from Florida

  The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???

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  (407): I'm pregnant. (1-407): The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number??? http://tfl.nu/ivb7
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  (914): View more from New York

  Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.

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  (914): Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73. http://tfl.nu/mdyq
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.

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  (970): The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad. http://tfl.nu/lkeb
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  (716): View more from New York

  Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?

  (585): View more from New York

  Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.

  (716): View more from New York

  .......

  (585): View more from New York

  I'm just looking out for you.

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  (716): Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday? (585): Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change. (716): ....... (585): I'm just looking out for you. http://tfl.nu/cj8v
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I respect the size of her balls.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.

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  (303): I respect the size of her balls. (1-303): Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else. http://tfl.nu/t5xu
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...

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  (501): If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises... http://tfl.nu/i052
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  (310): View more from California

  I'm so sick

  (323): View more from California

  I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.

  (310): View more from California

  That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..

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  (310): I'm so sick (323): I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night. (310): That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy.. http://tfl.nu/0aa2
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.

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  (701): Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man. http://tfl.nu/tr3t
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  (731): View more from Tennessee

  He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.

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  (731): He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver. http://tfl.nu/fyob
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  (949): View more from California

  Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.

  (562): View more from California

  The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me

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  (949): Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life. (562): The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me http://tfl.nu/pb5f
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.

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  (817): Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence. http://tfl.nu/yx0o
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?

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  (614): The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me? http://tfl.nu/yci0
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.

  (410): View more from Maryland

  The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.

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  (443): Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good. (410): The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky. http://tfl.nu/y3f5
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  (954): View more from Florida

  You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter

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  (954): You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter http://tfl.nu/xmwz
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  (904): View more from Florida

  The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.

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  (904): The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him. http://tfl.nu/fka6
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•