Lancaster's Favorites Texts:

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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever

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  (+44): I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever http://tfl.nu/y8hk
  Replies (29) Good night (2470) Bad night (474) Order T-Shirt
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  (415): View more from California

  i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.

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  (415): i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus. http://tfl.nu/s77k
  Replies (4) Good night (936) Bad night (338) Order T-Shirt
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  (858): View more from California

  WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.

  (760): View more from California

  You're High aren't you?

  (858): View more from California

  Sooooo high

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  (858): WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service. (760): You're High aren't you? (858): Sooooo high http://tfl.nu/byvy
  Replies (11) Good night (2953) Bad night (470)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage

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  (201): His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage http://tfl.nu/lo9j
  Replies (5) Good night (1838) Bad night (428) Order T-Shirt
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.

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  (907): This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/qu4g
  Replies (3) Good night (3304) Bad night (409) Order T-Shirt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES

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  (734): WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES http://tfl.nu/4qd7
  Replies (4) Good night (1425) Bad night (484) Order T-Shirt
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.

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  (201): Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper. http://tfl.nu/iewi
  Replies (6) Good night (1669) Bad night (411) Order T-Shirt
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.

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  (740): do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment. http://tfl.nu/04bg
  Replies (12) Good night (2165) Bad night (977) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity

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  (813): If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity http://tfl.nu/nz31
  Replies (4) Good night (951) Bad night (380)
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.

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  (816): We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have. http://tfl.nu/xov4
  Replies (9) Good night (1730) Bad night (371)
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.

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  (402): He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is. (1-402): Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors. http://tfl.nu/lcrs
  Replies (6) Good night (1572) Bad night (386)
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.

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  (610): Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school. http://tfl.nu/m6s5
  Replies (8) Good night (1980) Bad night (402)
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied

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  (901): She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied http://tfl.nu/t1al
  Replies (7) Good night (1087) Bad night (466)
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?

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  (931): Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me? http://tfl.nu/cqgr
  Replies (6) Good night (536) Bad night (2031) Order T-Shirt
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?

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  (405): Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card? http://tfl.nu/2f9h
  Replies (8) Good night (1669) Bad night (846)
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.

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  (336): I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked. http://tfl.nu/3p22
  Replies (12) Good night (2764) Bad night (549) Order T-Shirt
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.

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  (865): I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me. http://tfl.nu/r0al
  Replies (8) Good night (2888) Bad night (462) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?

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  (919): Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you? http://tfl.nu/64mv
  Replies (7) Good night (2429) Bad night (430) Order T-Shirt
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...

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  (573): I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were... http://tfl.nu/299s
  Replies (8) Good night (3056) Bad night (549)
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  (760): View more from California

  I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?

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  (760): I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways? http://tfl.nu/qqdu
  Replies (12) Good night (4350) Bad night (512) Order T-Shirt
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".

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  (803): It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face". http://tfl.nu/rfcu
  Replies (6) Good night (1921) Bad night (533) Order T-Shirt
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.

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  (801): He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay. http://tfl.nu/qj10
  Replies (19) Good night (1055) Bad night (1909) Order T-Shirt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.

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  (734): It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth. http://tfl.nu/kgmn
  Replies (24) Good night (4593) Bad night (587)
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.

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  (570): I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me. http://tfl.nu/e3cl
  Replies (33) Good night (816) Bad night (4874) Order T-Shirt
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement

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  (270): I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement http://tfl.nu/ql20
  Replies (22) Good night (3066) Bad night (644) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.

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  (512): You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you. http://tfl.nu/zer9
  Replies (16) Good night (3044) Bad night (538)
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.

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  (905): I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do. http://tfl.nu/nqbr
  Replies (5) Good night (1523) Bad night (678) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand

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  (413): he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand http://tfl.nu/zcon
  Replies (17) Good night (3677) Bad night (541) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.

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  (770): good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed. http://tfl.nu/g7ri
  Replies (4) Good night (2575) Bad night (626) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!

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  (410): That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween! http://tfl.nu/ige5
  Replies (33) Good night (3312) Bad night (1082) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up

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  (410): I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up http://tfl.nu/ucpy
  Replies (7) Good night (1864) Bad night (861) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.

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  (914): He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away. http://tfl.nu/k6q1
  Replies (13) Good night (6249) Bad night (764)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.

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  (203): She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE. http://tfl.nu/wm9f
  Replies (25) Good night (3711) Bad night (814) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.

  (1-919): View more from North Carolina

  And that worked?

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

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  (919): So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night. (1-919): And that worked? (919): 9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards. http://tfl.nu/moso
  Replies (70) Good night (13310) Bad night (1354)
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  (253): View more from Washington

  The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.

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  (253): The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case. http://tfl.nu/nkd8
  Replies (2) Good night (2008) Bad night (920)
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.

  (1-479): View more from Arkansas

  How have you survived this long?

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.

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  (479): Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever. (1-479): How have you survived this long? (479): Dumb luck and a deal with the devil. http://tfl.nu/0es8
  Replies (9) Good night (3087) Bad night (720)
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.

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  (774): I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit. http://tfl.nu/t89l
  Replies (9) Good night (3900) Bad night (641) Order T-Shirt
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.

  (618): View more from Illinois

  Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.

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  (618): Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you. (270): No, that's okay. Don't worry about it. (618): Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway. http://tfl.nu/gcov
  Replies (44) Good night (3430) Bad night (1133)
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"

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  (859): in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick" http://tfl.nu/v34k
  Replies (18) Good night (4620) Bad night (862) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts

  (1-631): View more from New York

  Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?

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  (631): We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts (1-631): Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships? http://tfl.nu/5hoq
  Replies (19) Good night (1992) Bad night (1252)
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.

  (1-609): View more from New Jersey

  Why?

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."

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  (609): My professor just gave us a margarita recipe. (1-609): Why? (609): Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life." http://tfl.nu/ong0
  Replies (12) Good night (3145) Bad night (444)
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?

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  (317): Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now? http://tfl.nu/j3p5
  Replies (9) Good night (2100) Bad night (464) Order T-Shirt
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure

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  (267): dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure http://tfl.nu/1m9t
  Replies (23) Good night (3578) Bad night (522) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.

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  (678): Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary. http://tfl.nu/nvwp
  Replies (17) Good night (4702) Bad night (556)
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.

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  (817): I should not be in class today. For the professors sake. http://tfl.nu/6eqj
  Replies (16) Good night (1695) Bad night (567) Order T-Shirt
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.

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  (602): You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice. http://tfl.nu/i4j5
  Replies (2) Good night (1322) Bad night (1317) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.

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  (516): I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great. http://tfl.nu/3h0i
  Replies (14) Good night (2669) Bad night (615) Order T-Shirt
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.

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  (251): I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this. http://tfl.nu/9nyi
  Replies (10) Good night (1646) Bad night (548) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?

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  (207): remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are? http://tfl.nu/u6le
  Replies (6) Good night (2240) Bad night (577) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.

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  (860): She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused. http://tfl.nu/7uxa
  Replies (12) Good night (3238) Bad night (1008) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.

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  (603): what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back. http://tfl.nu/v7kr
  Replies (4) Good night (532) Bad night (1552) Order T-Shirt
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  (325): View more from Texas

  3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!

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  (325): 3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches! http://tfl.nu/avjf
  Replies (7) Good night (2188) Bad night (720)
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  (509): View more from Washington

  walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.

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  (509): walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her. http://tfl.nu/knz9
  Replies (9) Good night (5597) Bad night (530) Order T-Shirt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.

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  (910): My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete. http://tfl.nu/yj31
  Replies (2) Good night (2912) Bad night (485) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.

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  (518): Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew. http://tfl.nu/8r8n
  Replies (31) Good night (3494) Bad night (1262) Order T-Shirt
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  (628): View more from California

  That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.

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  (628): That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM. http://tfl.nu/93q7
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.

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  (512): Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids. http://tfl.nu/hflo
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories

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  (217): I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories http://tfl.nu/vqmd
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  But you wear shame so well

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  (303): Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group (1-303): But you wear shame so well http://tfl.nu/l3oh
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  (951): View more from California

  Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.

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  (951): Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team. http://tfl.nu/ve6p
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"

  (575): View more from New Mexico

  Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.

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  (575): I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here" (575): Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life. http://tfl.nu/q6db
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.

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  (908): Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas. http://tfl.nu/cnc6
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking

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  (862): He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking http://tfl.nu/6gnv
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  (917): View more from New York City

  He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.

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  (917): He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman. http://tfl.nu/emjq
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

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  (705): Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth. http://tfl.nu/v5hf
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.

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  (231): Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you. http://tfl.nu/6utw
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently

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  (204): Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently http://tfl.nu/ky82
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.

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  (308): He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along. http://tfl.nu/kb7d
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  (406): View more from Montana

  And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha

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  (406): And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha http://tfl.nu/j31u
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply

  (1-414): View more from Wisconsin

  I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday

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  (414): We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply (1-414): I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday http://tfl.nu/j6sm
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"

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  (513): You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea" http://tfl.nu/kx8t
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Whoa, you know how to pick em.

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  (440): She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave. (216): Whoa, you know how to pick em. http://tfl.nu/b5eo
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.

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  (+44): Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go. http://tfl.nu/hus5
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?

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  (443): Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version? http://tfl.nu/d18m
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  (631): View more from New York

  The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.

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  (631): The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason. http://tfl.nu/mydy
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level

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  (812): that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level http://tfl.nu/3djd
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  (716): View more from New York

  I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober

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  (716): I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober http://tfl.nu/smc1
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.

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  (208): booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday. http://tfl.nu/jn9w
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone

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  (647): Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone http://tfl.nu/g67v
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"

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  (228): He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good" http://tfl.nu/hwu1
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.

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  (604): He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there. http://tfl.nu/lavl
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.

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  (615): That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly. http://tfl.nu/01h2
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.

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  (651): Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man. http://tfl.nu/8z1d
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  (985): View more from Louisiana

  He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.

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  (985): He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period. http://tfl.nu/gmxu
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.

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  (601): I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak. http://tfl.nu/j26q
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  (925): View more from California

  We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.

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  (925): We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely. http://tfl.nu/80gj
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals

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  (651): Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals http://tfl.nu/rxm6
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.

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  (515): He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend. http://tfl.nu/m6dn
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  (716): View more from New York

  Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.

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  (716): Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan. http://tfl.nu/rfh9
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.

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  (978): Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant. http://tfl.nu/4fg6
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.

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  (973): We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness. http://tfl.nu/5j3m
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.

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  (618): I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas. http://tfl.nu/yx8c
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  (315): View more from New York

  How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?

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  (315): How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'? http://tfl.nu/37h8
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"

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  (407): I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist" http://tfl.nu/osi4
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  (925): View more from California

  He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.

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  (925): He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept. http://tfl.nu/niyr
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  (518): View more from New York

  At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out

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  (518): At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out http://tfl.nu/bjrp
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.

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  (847): no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them. http://tfl.nu/1ayu
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.

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  (317): Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day. http://tfl.nu/olid
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Sorry. Im on my way.

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  (608): When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face. (262): Sorry. Im on my way. http://tfl.nu/us1r
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.

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  (484): We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us. http://tfl.nu/883t
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  (661): View more from California

  I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?

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  (661): I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class? http://tfl.nu/dw55
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  (210): View more from Texas

  She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.

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  (210): She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college. http://tfl.nu/uhbq
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)

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  (206): Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :) http://tfl.nu/j8zz
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.

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  (703): I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer. http://tfl.nu/bgxs
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.

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  (647): Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference. http://tfl.nu/9fcx
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.

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  (503): I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too. http://tfl.nu/alyx
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.

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  (913): I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom. http://tfl.nu/25xf
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.

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  (412): some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job. http://tfl.nu/yk8c
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear

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  (803): at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear http://tfl.nu/8b8t
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.

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  (513): Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen. http://tfl.nu/spnv
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.

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  (503): It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now. http://tfl.nu/4bjw
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table

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  (952): it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table http://tfl.nu/sh7s
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair

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  (401): She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair http://tfl.nu/x122
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.

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  (+44): I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly. http://tfl.nu/kesy
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?

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  (502): I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that? http://tfl.nu/7r6j
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.

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  (651): No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep. http://tfl.nu/9hze
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  (716): View more from New York

  As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."

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  (716): As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is." http://tfl.nu/8j8j
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  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.

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  (+64): The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me. http://tfl.nu/8v6d
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.

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  (484): whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks. http://tfl.nu/9g8j
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."

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  (330): Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control." http://tfl.nu/dz9s
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many

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  (515): Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many http://tfl.nu/90pg
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.

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  (602): After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum. http://tfl.nu/w0v8
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  (213): View more from California

  Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch

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  (213): Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch http://tfl.nu/21eo
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D

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  (616): I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D http://tfl.nu/kf4w
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot

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  (859): when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot http://tfl.nu/j6dz
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.

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  (352): Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman. http://tfl.nu/vqgs
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.

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  (815): thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends. http://tfl.nu/i5k2
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from

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  (702): the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from http://tfl.nu/ac6d
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood

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  (402): Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place (402): This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded (402): Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood http://tfl.nu/jep5
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.

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  (774): I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you. http://tfl.nu/ievp
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Those were the highlights of my night.

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  (717): Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves. (717): Those were the highlights of my night. http://tfl.nu/jaow
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  (619): View more from California

  He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.

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  (619): He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one. http://tfl.nu/6tfs
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!

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  (203): I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish! http://tfl.nu/uppy
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  (415): View more from California

  There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.

  (415): View more from California

  No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans

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  (415): There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest. (415): No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans http://tfl.nu/liuw
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.

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  (407): Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost. http://tfl.nu/odd1
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.

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  (203): it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along. http://tfl.nu/rnt1
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.

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  (304): Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better. http://tfl.nu/8g47
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.

  (1-313): View more from Michigan

  Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.

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  (313): I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges. (1-313): Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss. http://tfl.nu/0qrk
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home

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  (817): I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home http://tfl.nu/rtxe
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  happy early fathers day!!!

  (829): View more from Dominican Rep

  im not a father

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  about that...

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  (843): happy early fathers day!!! (829): im not a father (843): about that... http://tfl.nu/tk4z
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.

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  (314): So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present. http://tfl.nu/xf6g
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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  (617): I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again. http://tfl.nu/qw6q
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

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  (813): I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me. http://tfl.nu/z6eo
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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  (636): A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it. http://tfl.nu/t9xf
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you

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  (203): just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you http://tfl.nu/8puo
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  (425): View more from Washington

  you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

  (206): View more from Washington

  youre the best friend ever

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  (425): you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it (206): youre the best friend ever http://tfl.nu/6oyc
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

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  (970): I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises. http://tfl.nu/lren
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  (562): View more from California

  the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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  (562): the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon... http://tfl.nu/do0i
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  (214): View more from Texas

  She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love

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  (214): She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love http://tfl.nu/tjul
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

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  (540): he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride http://tfl.nu/4fyt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

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  (503): we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass. http://tfl.nu/xi9h
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.

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  (313): So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale. http://tfl.nu/y4yj
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  (425): View more from Washington

  i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.

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  (425): i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice. http://tfl.nu/fg4t
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.

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  (828): proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing. http://tfl.nu/uzza
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?

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  (703): I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you? http://tfl.nu/lfio
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.

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  (678): I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts. http://tfl.nu/4sqd
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  (559): View more from California

  I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?

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  (559): I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day? http://tfl.nu/b9nt
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.

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  (973): They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it. http://tfl.nu/8sm7
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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  (219): Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won. http://tfl.nu/tu5d
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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  (701): She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex. http://tfl.nu/crgk
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  (949): View more from California

  just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."

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  (949): just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will." http://tfl.nu/pn0l
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?

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  (248): Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML? http://tfl.nu/ajh1
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  (972): View more from Texas

  I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.

  (1-972): View more from Texas

  I want to be a cop.

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  (972): I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party. (1-972): I want to be a cop. http://tfl.nu/ucz6
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  (360): View more from Washington

  i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew

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  (360): i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew http://tfl.nu/ocbg
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.

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  (440): Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place. http://tfl.nu/kait
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

  (316): View more from Kansas

  Toaster

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  (319): On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you? (316): Toaster http://tfl.nu/fbwm
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

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  (704): One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+ http://tfl.nu/62eq
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

  (1-319): View more from Iowa

  Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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  (319): Heyyyy darlin are you busy? (1-319): Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night. http://tfl.nu/pwb0
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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  (908): I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain. http://tfl.nu/vwtj
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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  (404): I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck. http://tfl.nu/f2m7
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.

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  (720): She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life. http://tfl.nu/paqh
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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  (508): i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude. http://tfl.nu/zgqp
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me

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  (508): the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me http://tfl.nu/ptyo
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  (315): View more from New York

  Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

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  (315): Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love http://tfl.nu/13ff
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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  (770): just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes. http://tfl.nu/9iko
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?

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  (857): I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars? http://tfl.nu/0mdx
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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  (240): I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good. http://tfl.nu/bq51
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.

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  (931): my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling. http://tfl.nu/ym3n
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.

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  (918): And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2. http://tfl.nu/m96w
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

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  (203): his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper http://tfl.nu/7n4i
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.

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  (931): a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra. http://tfl.nu/ga1u
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina

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  (816): Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina http://tfl.nu/2dpv
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

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  (405): Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything. http://tfl.nu/pmpx
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

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  (267): He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever. http://tfl.nu/526w
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.

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  (970): Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute. http://tfl.nu/y17n
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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  (732): i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right http://tfl.nu/htd0
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.

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  (330): I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome. http://tfl.nu/21pe
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

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  (978): Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good http://tfl.nu/k903
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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  (413): I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic. http://tfl.nu/sxvb
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  (607): View more from New York

  You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

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  (607): You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me http://tfl.nu/ry9s
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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  (724): also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am. http://tfl.nu/33o2
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  (212): View more from New York

  I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.

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  (212): I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland. http://tfl.nu/ca0n
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.

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  (630): We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed. http://tfl.nu/qpmm
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

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  (504): Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex. http://tfl.nu/adpf
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  (124): View more from

  Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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  (124): Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all. http://tfl.nu/q25u
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.

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  (301): I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa. http://tfl.nu/sbm1
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

  (740): View more from Ohio

  i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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  (614): so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you' (740): i literally fucking hate you so fucking much. http://tfl.nu/7yl2
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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  (314): On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you? http://tfl.nu/ocb5
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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  (519): i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends? http://tfl.nu/08w4
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  (607): View more from New York

  Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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  (607): Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day. http://tfl.nu/b0xj
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  (386): View more from Florida

  after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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  (386): after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time. http://tfl.nu/767v
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  (305): View more from Florida

  i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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  (305): i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer. http://tfl.nu/jibz
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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  (970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick. http://tfl.nu/w6wy
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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  (727): I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there? http://tfl.nu/2pix
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  (214): View more from Texas

  he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

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  (214): he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true' http://tfl.nu/1kz1
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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  (847): He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours. http://tfl.nu/vgfj
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

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  (443): We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich.... http://tfl.nu/i7fe
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  (661): View more from California

  the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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  (661): the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep. http://tfl.nu/zfm0
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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  (410): so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero http://tfl.nu/4z5t
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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  (215): The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room. http://tfl.nu/3nsa
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  (512): View more from Texas

  i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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  (512): i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT. http://tfl.nu/zq8a
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

  (1-913): View more from Kansas

  You're the best girlfriend ever.

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  (913): Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat. (1-913): You're the best girlfriend ever. http://tfl.nu/imen
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Tie

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  (201): I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet (908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building (201): Tie http://tfl.nu/a5wy
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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  (410): Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA! http://tfl.nu/7pku
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  (347): View more from New York

  in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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  (347): in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him http://tfl.nu/pxgw
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  (713): View more from Texas

  she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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  (713): she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful? http://tfl.nu/75hl
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

  (1-973): View more from New Jersey

  Guess she heard her killer coming

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  (973): I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear. (1-973): Guess she heard her killer coming http://tfl.nu/u45m
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  the red head has a bf

  (1-843): View more from South Carolina

  just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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  (843): the red head has a bf (1-843): just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score http://tfl.nu/bdta
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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  (484): Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud. http://tfl.nu/xhdj
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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  (443): I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart http://tfl.nu/al7w
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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  (857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable. http://tfl.nu/zho9
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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  (617): just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole http://tfl.nu/otvq
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  (315): View more from New York

  i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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  (315): i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love http://tfl.nu/v9ss
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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  (203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter. http://tfl.nu/8kyg
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  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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  (541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests http://tfl.nu/dcsh
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  How was it?

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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  (847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me. (1-847): How was it? (847): Fantastic, but that's not the point. http://tfl.nu/muuk
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  (510): View more from California

  he said he didn't have a condom.

  (415): View more from California

  and you said?

  (510): View more from California

  that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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  (510): he said he didn't have a condom. (415): and you said? (510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that. http://tfl.nu/4u76
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true

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  (843): Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true http://tfl.nu/y8hf
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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  (312): I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4. http://tfl.nu/sr4z
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  (407): View more from Florida

  i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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  (407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star... http://tfl.nu/jbo8
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus

  (1-317): View more from Indiana

  tequila?

  (317): View more from Indiana

  yep

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  (317): Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus (1-317): tequila? (317): yep http://tfl.nu/cmfp
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?

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  (603): Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support? http://tfl.nu/jl5q
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.

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  (412): My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out. http://tfl.nu/7oni
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.

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  (770): Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever. http://tfl.nu/w4kd
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  (607): View more from New York

  She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.

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  (607): She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine. http://tfl.nu/vfal
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"

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  (740): I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots" http://tfl.nu/pkth
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?

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  (401): want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure? http://tfl.nu/59m2
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina

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  (313): I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina http://tfl.nu/zo54
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.

  (856): View more from New Jersey

  dear god, who put you in a cab?

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  (267): duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19. (856): dear god, who put you in a cab? http://tfl.nu/6o92
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday

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  (601): Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday http://tfl.nu/2xqb
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?

  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Go back and try to find another to go home with.

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  (501): Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders? (501): Go back and try to find another to go home with. http://tfl.nu/r0ix
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?

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  (425): I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome? http://tfl.nu/4kcb
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.

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  (+61): She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse. http://tfl.nu/zap5
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.

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  (402): I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted. http://tfl.nu/yox0
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone

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  (303): she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone http://tfl.nu/1ml1
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.

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  (360): Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything. http://tfl.nu/kqmn
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me

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  (815): I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me http://tfl.nu/9tpu
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight

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  (615): I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight http://tfl.nu/tvrj
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"

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  (215): OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package" http://tfl.nu/jnsz
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard

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  (484): we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard http://tfl.nu/y3gw
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  (917): View more from New York City

  She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.

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  (917): She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter. http://tfl.nu/oq3f
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  (323): View more from California

  Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.

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  (323): Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl. http://tfl.nu/6wl6
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird

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  (303): Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird http://tfl.nu/672q
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  just got booed by the entire restaurant.

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  (614): just got booed by the entire restaurant. http://tfl.nu/m1gn
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend

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  (908): it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend http://tfl.nu/ha54
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.

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  (647): I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution. http://tfl.nu/mh7s
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  (415): View more from California

  i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again

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  (415): i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again http://tfl.nu/roxu
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  (315): View more from New York

  I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours

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  (315): I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours http://tfl.nu/z9bp
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.

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  (228): I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me. http://tfl.nu/ndpv
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."

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  (720): He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples." http://tfl.nu/rub1
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.

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  (541): Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in. http://tfl.nu/jhqc
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments

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  (602): i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments http://tfl.nu/teyj
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.

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  (410): well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed. http://tfl.nu/tir7
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.

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  (304): You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib. http://tfl.nu/xjlf
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.

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  (704): It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie. http://tfl.nu/rp9b
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.

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  (617): you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on. http://tfl.nu/kzav
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  (207): View more from Maine

  just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.

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  (207): just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries. http://tfl.nu/mz24
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"

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  (201): He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?" http://tfl.nu/srbv
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.

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  (443): Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire. http://tfl.nu/qksw
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".

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  (208): She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs". http://tfl.nu/ppqp
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.

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  (309): stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof. http://tfl.nu/lut1
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent

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  (856): I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent http://tfl.nu/ara2
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog

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  (202): just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog http://tfl.nu/w6qp
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?

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  (330): Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home? http://tfl.nu/9062
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in

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  (773): She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in http://tfl.nu/bue7
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  (914): View more from New York

  my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.

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  (914): my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person. http://tfl.nu/80cc
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"

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  (717): He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested" http://tfl.nu/y825
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.

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  (414): He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after. http://tfl.nu/s41l
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.

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  (920): I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night. http://tfl.nu/zpas
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  (516): View more from New York

  you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.

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  (516): you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito. http://tfl.nu/qluq
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.

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  (228): He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him. http://tfl.nu/emw6
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  (801): View more from Utah

  he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.

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  (801): he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages. http://tfl.nu/yro9
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts

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  (630): btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts http://tfl.nu/hxut
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  (510): View more from California

  Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor

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  (510): Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor http://tfl.nu/56ek
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."

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  (605): Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great." http://tfl.nu/846x
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.

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  (604): the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking. http://tfl.nu/g0q9
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.

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  (360): I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back. http://tfl.nu/kpg0
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.

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  (410): I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in. http://tfl.nu/o54w
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?

  (1-816): View more from Missouri

  Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.

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  (816): I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there? (1-816): Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket. http://tfl.nu/46j7
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.

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  (907): We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke. http://tfl.nu/z4fd
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  (212): View more from New York

  My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.

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  (212): My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing. http://tfl.nu/8vqg
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing

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  (540): i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing http://tfl.nu/o77s
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.

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  (816): Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs. http://tfl.nu/rxnt
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.

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  (262): we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat. http://tfl.nu/5cls
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.

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  (330): I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing. http://tfl.nu/hw5t
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.

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  (313): you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs. http://tfl.nu/cddz
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.

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  (404): Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge. http://tfl.nu/3ppt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk

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  (480): im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk http://tfl.nu/jram
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...

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  (317): you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party... http://tfl.nu/sqle
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down

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  (303): We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down http://tfl.nu/easv
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.

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  (815): I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man. http://tfl.nu/ripg
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  (714): View more from California

  I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister

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  (714): I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister http://tfl.nu/d8wy
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  (207): View more from Maine

  she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.

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  (207): she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait. http://tfl.nu/lngn
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired

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  (403): i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired http://tfl.nu/1gf1
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.

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  (216): This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life. http://tfl.nu/j431
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.

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  (815): I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them. http://tfl.nu/dcim
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room

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  (541): dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room http://tfl.nu/exa4
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.

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  (203): he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going. http://tfl.nu/qkax
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  (415): View more from California

  We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.

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  (415): We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly. http://tfl.nu/2ljg
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.

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  (479): When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls. http://tfl.nu/83jv
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.

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  (647): Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral. http://tfl.nu/3rm8
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.

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  (307): We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives. http://tfl.nu/qq5e
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  (305): View more from Florida

  We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well

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  (305): We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well http://tfl.nu/ng2b
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

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  (920): sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself. http://tfl.nu/ur25
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.

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  (703): She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman. http://tfl.nu/z41q
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest

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  (815): Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest http://tfl.nu/qjdf
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.

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  (414): The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there. http://tfl.nu/497c
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.

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  (423): I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him. http://tfl.nu/dili
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"

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  (705): The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?" http://tfl.nu/11uf
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes

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  (706): He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes http://tfl.nu/an5y
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"

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  (215): Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober" http://tfl.nu/vzc2
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  (530): View more from California

  she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.

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  (530): she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new. http://tfl.nu/z10i
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea

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  (850): I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea http://tfl.nu/d42k
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.

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  (517): All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop. http://tfl.nu/gnt9
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  (631): View more from New York

  You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.

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  (631): You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning. http://tfl.nu/qol4
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.

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  (270): He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture. http://tfl.nu/0w8n
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.

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  (202): i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day. http://tfl.nu/yh3a
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too

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  (360): I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too http://tfl.nu/ui5h
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.

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  (828): my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty. http://tfl.nu/rhpp
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  (858): View more from California

  while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go

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  (858): while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go http://tfl.nu/n616
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.

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  (314): pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me. http://tfl.nu/4o8x
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service

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  (970): I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service http://tfl.nu/s56z
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?

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  (503): He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off? http://tfl.nu/40hd
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.

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  (618): I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's. http://tfl.nu/uxq5
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?

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  (703): Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again? http://tfl.nu/bgom
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'

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  (630): I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..' http://tfl.nu/mj73
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.

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  (314): I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often. http://tfl.nu/x1ce
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?

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  (973): You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later? http://tfl.nu/a1oo
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  (731): View more from Tennessee

  I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.

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  (731): I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one. http://tfl.nu/nuy4
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  (510): View more from California

  Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?

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  (510): Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night? http://tfl.nu/abjo
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it

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  (717): if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it http://tfl.nu/n58g
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  (813): View more from Florida

  So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3

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  (813): So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3 http://tfl.nu/7or4
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.

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  (+44): I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating. http://tfl.nu/brik
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress

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  (302): I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress http://tfl.nu/yb5l
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  (631): View more from New York

  Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"

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  (631): Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it" http://tfl.nu/tnve
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.

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  (706): She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night. http://tfl.nu/uc8q
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.

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  (210): I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours. http://tfl.nu/n5xc
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.

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  (814): He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well. http://tfl.nu/fer2
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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  (705): All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail. http://tfl.nu/tpxz
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster

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  (701): So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster http://tfl.nu/imtg
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again

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  (678): Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again http://tfl.nu/8daz
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice

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  (443): we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice http://tfl.nu/hzcq
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop

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  (217): Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop http://tfl.nu/m1fy
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.

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  (717): One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date. http://tfl.nu/fy3f
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.

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  (715): Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way. http://tfl.nu/o1v6
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade

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  (717): It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade http://tfl.nu/l96w
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  (949): View more from California

  The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.

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  (949): The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses. http://tfl.nu/cf7g
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  (845): View more from New York

  I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount

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  (845): I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount http://tfl.nu/tdiu
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.

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  (720): Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it. http://tfl.nu/chvq
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  (254): View more from Texas

  It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.

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  (254): It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway. http://tfl.nu/k2oc
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.

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  (815): I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle. http://tfl.nu/ehxx
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.

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  (937): i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage. http://tfl.nu/bqw6
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.

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  (204): You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head. http://tfl.nu/a92s
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom

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  (630): She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom http://tfl.nu/xz6e
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  (940): View more from Texas

  I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....

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  (940): I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk.... http://tfl.nu/3fzx
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.

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  (203): Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room. http://tfl.nu/4omc
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.

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  (215): he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon. http://tfl.nu/6d9i
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.

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  (215): A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts. http://tfl.nu/gdkg
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.

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  (678): So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God. http://tfl.nu/decj
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism

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  (410): I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism http://tfl.nu/m451
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  (516): View more from New York

  Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system

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  (516): Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system http://tfl.nu/i7jp
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  (716): View more from New York

  He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."

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  (716): He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches." http://tfl.nu/amaz
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.

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  (203): Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one. http://tfl.nu/lrd9
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.

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  (512): Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor. http://tfl.nu/9a3p
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.

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  (267): Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams. http://tfl.nu/lmv8
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping

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  (973): Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping http://tfl.nu/1og8
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?

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  (352): Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house? http://tfl.nu/bc2r
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.

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  (614): i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better. http://tfl.nu/octl
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.

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  (902): I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother. http://tfl.nu/s7ce
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".

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  (920): You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby". http://tfl.nu/mh0h
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.

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  (505): I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight. http://tfl.nu/l9kd
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?

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  (610): you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us? http://tfl.nu/gp4k
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.

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  (308): Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar. http://tfl.nu/fw94
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing

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  (303): So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing http://tfl.nu/363h
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  (619): View more from California

  He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.

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  (619): He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated. http://tfl.nu/4d8a
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship

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  (401): Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship http://tfl.nu/zpw1
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.

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  (618): She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover. http://tfl.nu/cpec
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night

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  (314): I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night http://tfl.nu/ebah
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even

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  (717): She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even http://tfl.nu/tali
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

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  (512): Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her. http://tfl.nu/6ypm
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'

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  (732): His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.' http://tfl.nu/onxp
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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  (517): we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/tadi
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.

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  (778): Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night. http://tfl.nu/vt5l
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.

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  (203): Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast. http://tfl.nu/5wgc
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  (727): View more from Florida

  My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.

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  (727): My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out. http://tfl.nu/gjqc
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night

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  (404): Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night http://tfl.nu/nrlr
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.

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  (773): I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech. http://tfl.nu/9arc
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"

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  (970): I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983" http://tfl.nu/egdi
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.

  (703): View more from Virginia

  So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...

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  (540): The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress. (703): So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then... http://tfl.nu/ildr
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.

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  (732): I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN. http://tfl.nu/e3sn
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.

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  (+44): She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home. http://tfl.nu/8tny
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.

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  (360): Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why. http://tfl.nu/20py
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.

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  (413): she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her. http://tfl.nu/r8ko
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.

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  (403): Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl. http://tfl.nu/u7lt
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.

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  (803): A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco. http://tfl.nu/eqmh
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.

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  (605): Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester. http://tfl.nu/t8vg
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'

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  (508): I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.' http://tfl.nu/78ru
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate

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  (508): i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate http://tfl.nu/vubl
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face

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  (847): I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face http://tfl.nu/ydcz
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  it's like russian roulette but with a penis

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  (480): it's like russian roulette but with a penis http://tfl.nu/nnes
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.

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  (513): I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life. http://tfl.nu/fi4n
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is

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  (401): If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is http://tfl.nu/twoy
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.

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  (217): I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister. http://tfl.nu/65yp
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.

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  (541): When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside. http://tfl.nu/wpt8
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.

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  (540): Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman. http://tfl.nu/z7nz
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  (813): View more from Florida

  If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.

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  (813): If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing. http://tfl.nu/gg1f
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying

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  (502): we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying http://tfl.nu/sr7p
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.

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  (403): Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes. http://tfl.nu/co11
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