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Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Houston, we have a squirter
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Are my feet made of real feet?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
She even gives head with a lisp.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
So many bounce houses so little time
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
this will be a night to untag.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going place
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