Texts From Last Night · aphoticjade1233's Favorites

aphoticjade1233's Favorites Texts:

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(214): View more from Texas

Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat

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(907): View more from Alaska

Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(614): View more from Ohio

Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere

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(941): View more from Florida

And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.

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(586): View more from Michigan

You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(505): View more from New Mexico

The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"

(703): View more from Virginia

Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend

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(360): View more from Washington

Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.

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(815): View more from Illinois

There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?

(312): View more from Illinois

Best not to. Some people need their delusions.

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(214): View more from Texas

He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

So there's that.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.

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(903): View more from Texas

Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??

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(314): View more from Missouri

The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.

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(408): View more from California

he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...

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(734): View more from Michigan

I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man

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(719): View more from Colorado

My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.

(505): View more from New Mexico

By piano you mean.....

(719): View more from Colorado

Like literally a piano.

(505): View more from New Mexico

Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.

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(772): View more from Florida

its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves

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(416): View more from Toronto

I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?

(540): View more from Virginia

THATS VERY WEIRD

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It's amazing

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs

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(219): View more from Indiana

You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245

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(770): View more from Georgia

Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.

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(206): View more from Washington

I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.

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(616): View more from Michigan

so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy

(313): View more from Michigan

Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle

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(703): View more from Virginia

All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer

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(516): View more from New York

I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"

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(614): View more from Ohio

I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.

(614): View more from Ohio

I'm Batman.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.

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(309): View more from Illinois

There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.

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(969): View more from

You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.

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(630): View more from Illinois

There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"

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(204): View more from Manitoba

we need to invent and abuse teleportation

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants

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(714): View more from California

So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place

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(586): View more from Michigan

If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.

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(416): View more from Toronto

whose parrot is this?

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(712): View more from Iowa

When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot

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(619): View more from California

I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka

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(510): View more from California

A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out

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(574): View more from Indiana

I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...

(614): View more from Ohio

Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine

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(718): View more from New York

You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?

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(425): View more from Washington

Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors

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(954): View more from Florida

Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?

(305): View more from Florida

It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.

(954): View more from Florida

STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.

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(850): View more from Florida

My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container

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(626): View more from California

Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"

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(+34): View more from Spain

Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?

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(858): View more from California

But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.

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(305): View more from Florida

I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.

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(347): View more from New York

Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting

(1-347): View more from New York

Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?

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(813): View more from Florida

So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."

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(804): View more from Virginia

Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT

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(252): View more from North Carolina

The band last night was really good

(1-252): View more from North Carolina

That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.

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(425): View more from Washington

YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you

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(310): View more from California

My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'

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(404): View more from Georgia

No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"

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(573): View more from Missouri

Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat

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(956): View more from Texas

I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.

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(+49): View more from Germany

Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?

(913): View more from Kansas

DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE

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(+61): View more from Australia

He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.

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(915): View more from Texas

I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...

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(270): View more from Kentucky

So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex

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(727): View more from Florida

How did you get him out of the shower last time?

(1-727): View more from Florida

Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.

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(207): View more from Maine

CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP

(207): View more from Maine

Do we still have any pizza left from last night?

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(416): View more from Toronto

Happy Birhtday!

(289): View more from Ontario

Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...

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(512): View more from Texas

Send help, water and tortillas.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?

(541): View more from Oregon

CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING

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(954): View more from Florida

In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."

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(513): View more from Ohio

I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment

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(707): View more from California

According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.

(253): View more from Washington

You called the wrong number but I salute you.

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(440): View more from Ohio

You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.

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(330): View more from Ohio

You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.

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(386): View more from Florida

I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?

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(503): View more from Oregon

I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma

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(716): View more from New York

I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.

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(954): View more from Florida

Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.

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(510): View more from California

Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.

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(925): View more from California

I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability

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(614): View more from Ohio

When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??

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(815): View more from Illinois

My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.

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(347): View more from New York

My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted

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(210): View more from Texas

DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES

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(713): View more from Texas

I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.

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(509): View more from Washington

Stalker pic that shit

(1-509): View more from Washington

He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'

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(613): View more from Ontario

We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?

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(650): View more from California

I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there

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(347): View more from New York

Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.

(604): View more from British Columbia

And then someone hit me with a pool cue

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(903): View more from Texas

You're a waste of cheezeits

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(228): View more from Mississippi

He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.

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(903): View more from Texas

Han Solo would be ashamed of me.

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(425): View more from Washington

I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone

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(337): View more from Louisiana

My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Drunk yet?

(980): View more from North Carolina

Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever

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(678): View more from Georgia

Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing

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(815): View more from Illinois

i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women

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(971): View more from Oregon

you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON

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(925): View more from California

I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.

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(941): View more from Florida

When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures

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(226): View more from Ontario

You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.

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(905): View more from Ontario

You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"

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(214): View more from Texas

Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer

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(818): View more from California

Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you

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(425): View more from Washington

I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.

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(315): View more from New York

On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.

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(850): View more from Florida

Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.

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(940): View more from Texas

Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.

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(915): View more from Texas

The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced

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(330): View more from Ohio

do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell

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(716): View more from New York

It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.

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(623): View more from Arizona

One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce

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(651): View more from Minnesota

It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.

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(206): View more from Washington

I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Why am I wearing a dog collar

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.

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(971): View more from Oregon

no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"

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(408): View more from California

MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE

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(813): View more from Florida

Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner

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(913): View more from Kansas

did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."

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(248): View more from Michigan

They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.

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(559): View more from California

I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon

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(775): View more from Nevada

Sure. But we have to be quiet.

(1-775): View more from Nevada

Ninja mode activated

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(636): View more from Missouri

2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?

(314): View more from Missouri

Please tell me those aren't related.

(636): View more from Missouri

I made rice.

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(210): View more from Texas

I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."

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(586): View more from Michigan

He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.

(248): View more from Michigan

Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.

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(845): View more from New York

I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,

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(903): View more from Texas

I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.

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(513): View more from Ohio

He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions

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(330): View more from Ohio

We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.

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(817): View more from Texas

apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.

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(310): View more from California

I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup

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(206): View more from Washington

I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.

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(409): View more from Texas

I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich

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(734): View more from Michigan

Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.

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(817): View more from Texas

i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar

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(647): View more from Ontario

He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.

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(425): View more from Washington

I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

...

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.

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(831): View more from California

My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.

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(330): View more from Ohio

So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard

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(424): View more from California

Update: I may or may not be in a cult

(424): View more from California

Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult

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(913): View more from Kansas

I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're my favorite person

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(705): View more from Ontario

You sprinted into the side of a parked car

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(419): View more from Ohio

I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.

(1-419): View more from Ohio

Dreams are coming true for both of us.

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(616): View more from Michigan

You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.

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(906): View more from Michigan

We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.

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(386): View more from Florida

In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.

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(214): View more from Texas

If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover

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(330): View more from Ohio

Hamster emergency. Can u come in here

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.

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(205): View more from Alabama

You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?

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(714): View more from California

Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.

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(585): View more from New York

The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"

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(214): View more from Texas

She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.

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(623): View more from Arizona

My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore

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(208): View more from Idaho

When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find

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(801): View more from Utah

NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him

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(253): View more from Washington

it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Use "feeling words"

(1-317): View more from Indiana

Yay

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"

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(623): View more from Arizona

It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait

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(845): View more from New York

I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

Why did you want to do any of that?

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.

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(613): View more from Ontario

You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working

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(410): View more from Maryland

One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.

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(989): View more from Michigan

She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?

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(708): View more from Illinois

I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.

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(613): View more from Ontario

There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"

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(310): View more from California

If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free

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(312): View more from Illinois

Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"

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(269): View more from Michigan

We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash

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(702): View more from Nevada

there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...

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(303): View more from Colorado

So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"

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(213): View more from California

WTF DUDE?

(323): View more from California

Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this

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(320): View more from Minnesota

What happened to my face?

(715): View more from Wisconsin

You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

It was impressive.

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(613): View more from Ontario

All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.

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(509): View more from Washington

He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.

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(712): View more from Iowa

You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.

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(817): View more from Texas

This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck

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(914): View more from New York

He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.

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(705): View more from Ontario

this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"

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(428): View more from

Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.

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(623): View more from Arizona

That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.

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(707): View more from California

I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.

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(512): View more from Texas

Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens

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(406): View more from Montana

Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.

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(970): View more from Colorado

he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.

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(440): View more from Ohio

WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS

(740): View more from Ohio

BECAUSE SCIENCE

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(505): View more from New Mexico

You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore

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(901): View more from Tennessee

The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.

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(240): View more from Maryland

She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths

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(906): View more from Michigan

too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious

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(204): View more from Manitoba

You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background

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(574): View more from Indiana

i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"

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(618): View more from Illinois

You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities

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(914): View more from New York

Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*

(1-828): View more from North Carolina

omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

Hey I found a cat!

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(352): View more from Florida

a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.

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(206): View more from Washington

You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.

(360): View more from Washington

1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you

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(334): View more from Alabama

FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon

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(520): View more from Arizona

Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"

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(231): View more from Michigan

My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.

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(914): View more from New York

THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."

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(254): View more from Texas

We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.

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(916): View more from California

My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"

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(410): View more from Maryland

You texted me a picture of your face along with #help

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(254): View more from Texas

I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.

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(734): View more from Michigan

It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

She needs sedatives and a leash

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(613): View more from Ontario

you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.

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(760): View more from California

He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.

(619): View more from California

he what???

(760): View more from California

Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing

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(231): View more from Michigan

Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Let's get weird.

(608): View more from Wisconsin

It's 10 am...

(920): View more from Wisconsin

I'm assuming that means you're not busy...

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(815): View more from Illinois

You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.

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(520): View more from Arizona

They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.

(520): View more from Arizona

Judging by this purple one they got to second base.

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(407): View more from Florida

At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it

(501): View more from Arkansas

Then he went and peed on those teenagers.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.

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(847): View more from Illinois

You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts

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(941): View more from Florida

im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna

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(503): View more from Oregon

Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard

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(443): View more from Maryland

I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk

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(519): View more from Ontario

I think he's speaking German to me now

(519): View more from Ontario

Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly

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(213): View more from California

Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.

(201): View more from New Jersey

... and if i was..

(213): View more from California

Fuck. You.

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(913): View more from Kansas

My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger

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(530): View more from California

How on earth did you break your wrist?

(1-530): View more from California

I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing

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(740): View more from Ohio

You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j

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(912): View more from Georgia

I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome

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(804): View more from Virginia

Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs

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(719): View more from Colorado

If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM

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(519): View more from Ontario

we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...

(226): View more from Ontario

did I at least say anything...

(519): View more from Ontario

you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living

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(434): View more from Virginia

We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"

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(703): View more from Virginia

I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going

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(954): View more from Florida

I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat

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(519): View more from Ontario

Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face

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(903): View more from Texas

On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.

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(404): View more from Georgia

You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.

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(330): View more from Ohio

STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?

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(913): View more from Kansas

Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?

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(540): View more from Virginia

Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"

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(559): View more from California

I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.

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(906): View more from Michigan

It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.

(1-906): View more from Michigan

Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.

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(+61): View more from Australia

On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety

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(630): View more from Illinois

I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.

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(214): View more from Texas

She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Casually had to file a missing persons report last night

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(865): View more from Tennessee

He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.

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(407): View more from Florida

Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly

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(972): View more from Texas

The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard

(972): View more from Texas

OHHH and there was a Batman too.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight

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(360): View more from Washington

you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.

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(416): View more from Toronto

You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.

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(310): View more from California

This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.

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(04): View more from

This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.

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(585): View more from New York

Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window

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(775): View more from Nevada

He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend

(1-775): View more from Nevada

I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman

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(404): View more from Georgia

I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You went to jail last night?!

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

Just a little bit.

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(607): View more from New York

No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.

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(646): View more from New York

How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon

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(513): View more from Ohio

Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?

(505): View more from New Mexico

yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again

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(952): View more from Minnesota

So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.

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(770): View more from Georgia

the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.

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(913): View more from Kansas

The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.

(816): View more from Missouri

Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from

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(678): View more from Georgia

I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.

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(631): View more from New York

Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?

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(281): View more from Texas

Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house

(713): View more from Texas

So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?

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(770): View more from Georgia

you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.

(678): View more from Georgia

THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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(928): View more from Arizona

My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.

(308): View more from Nebraska

Pass the awkward sauce please.

(928): View more from Arizona

I'm drowning in it here

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(812): View more from Indiana

You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.

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(207): View more from Maine

I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup

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(757): View more from Virginia

Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot

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(941): View more from Florida

Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation

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(734): View more from Michigan

this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card

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(+61): View more from Australia

A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance

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(586): View more from Michigan

you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer

(1-586): View more from Michigan

Ok let me change into clothes i can run in

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..

(1-330): View more from Ohio

that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.

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(614): View more from Ohio

not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...

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(239): View more from Florida

I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.

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(440): View more from Ohio

You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.

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(806): View more from Texas

Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.

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(334): View more from Alabama

Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.

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(914): View more from New York

We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day

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(512): View more from Texas

There are so many Jimmy John's employees here

(1-512): View more from Texas

Where are you?

(512): View more from Texas

Jimmy John's.

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(256): View more from Alabama

hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by

(256): View more from Alabama

he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.

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(909): View more from California

he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.

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(407): View more from Florida

I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?

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(720): View more from Colorado

You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.

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(406): View more from Montana

You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.

(1-406): View more from Montana

That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Are we still banned from the library?

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(614): View more from Ohio

Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410): View more from Maryland

you are way too vulgar to be a girl

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I'm wearing red that night.

(301): View more from Maryland

Noted, what shade?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Whore.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.

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(323): View more from California

He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.

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(727): View more from Florida

I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.

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(562): View more from California

guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.

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(682): View more from Texas

I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face

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(812): View more from Indiana

I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby

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(229): View more from Georgia

Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?

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(206): View more from Washington

a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.

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(703): View more from Virginia

The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Hows that studying goin for you?

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours

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(802): View more from Vermont

I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.

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(619): View more from California

you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home

(647): View more from Ontario

Was he satisfied?

(416): View more from Toronto

No, and very vocal about it.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.

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(678): View more from Georgia

So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina

(404): View more from Georgia

I'm teaching my cat to play fetch

(678): View more from Georgia

Yep, it's a friday

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(440): View more from Ohio

Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.

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(305): View more from Florida

So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day

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(253): View more from Washington

Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night

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(+32): View more from Belgium

we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump

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(516): View more from New York

1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.

(516): View more from New York

By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.

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(571): View more from Virginia

It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?

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(587): View more from Alberta

Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!

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(303): View more from Colorado

You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller

(1-303): View more from Colorado

I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.

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(817): View more from Texas

your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha

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(219): View more from Indiana

The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.

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(248): View more from Michigan

She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.

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(518): View more from New York

we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed

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(503): View more from Oregon

She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.

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(217): View more from Illinois

We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.

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(+61): View more from Australia

we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed

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(205): View more from Alabama

First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?

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(847): View more from Illinois

That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.

(847): View more from Illinois

You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?

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(914): View more from New York

He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF

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(971): View more from Oregon

Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.

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(+61): View more from Australia

why is my forehead so bruised?

(1+61): View more from

i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks

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(847): View more from Illinois

I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE

(1-847): View more from Illinois

This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.

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(214): View more from Texas

Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..

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(207): View more from Maine

Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.

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(219): View more from Indiana

How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?

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(618): View more from Illinois

I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.

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(406): View more from Montana

You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?

(859): View more from Kentucky

i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.

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(613): View more from Ontario

You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.

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(310): View more from California

how was it?

(1-310): View more from California

he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"

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(805): View more from California

She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.

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(416): View more from Toronto

this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me

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(320): View more from Minnesota

What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed

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(845): View more from New York

Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.

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(541): View more from Oregon

im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more

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(801): View more from Utah

I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.

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(815): View more from Illinois

im sober

(920): View more from Wisconsin

you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.

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(302): View more from Delaware

A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made

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(254): View more from Texas

I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.

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(512): View more from Texas

If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.

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(518): View more from New York

You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long

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(575): View more from New Mexico

You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.

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(914): View more from New York

He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom

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(614): View more from Ohio

You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.

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(810): View more from Michigan

my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.

(747): View more from California

Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...

(302): View more from Delaware

I just found it. I hope it leads to food.

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(585): View more from New York

I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement

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(609): View more from New Jersey

My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

Why?

(609): View more from New Jersey

Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.

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(512): View more from Texas

He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.

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(614): View more from Ohio

He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help

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(925): View more from California

Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?

(1-925): View more from California

Come on man nobody wants to admit that

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks

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(810): View more from Michigan

You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield

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(516): View more from New York

its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.

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(817): View more from Texas

I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.

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(810): View more from Michigan

She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.

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(214): View more from Texas

Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

(802): View more from Vermont

So basically you were a dog.

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(316): View more from Kansas

What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?

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(804): View more from Virginia

My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.

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(509): View more from Washington

idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.

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(817): View more from Texas

I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.

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(817): View more from Texas

Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.

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(850): View more from Florida

hungover and i feel like a burrito

(1-850): View more from Florida

like eating one or like you are one?

(850): View more from Florida

like i am one.

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(727): View more from Florida

pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.

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(410): View more from Maryland

that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"

(308): View more from Nebraska

Stop drinking at work.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.

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(949): View more from California

You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK

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(602): View more from Arizona

After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.

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(352): View more from Florida

Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?

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(207): View more from Maine

I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.

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(760): View more from California

PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...

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(817): View more from Texas

I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home

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(706): View more from Georgia

Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

All my credit cards need to be pressure washed

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(765): View more from Indiana

On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.

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(785): View more from Kansas

totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted

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(757): View more from Virginia

Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.

(1-757): View more from Virginia

I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?

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(309): View more from Illinois

We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?

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(773): View more from Illinois

Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine

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(613): View more from Ontario

Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?

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(334): View more from Alabama

It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.

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(217): View more from Illinois

She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop

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(517): View more from Michigan

Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.

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(323): View more from California

Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."

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(720): View more from Colorado

Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.

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(562): View more from California

He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.

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(519): View more from Ontario

There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge

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(541): View more from Oregon

I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"

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(318): View more from Louisiana

What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies

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(559): View more from California

Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,

(679): View more from Michigan

I wanted to be a dolphin.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?

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(269): View more from Michigan

It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.

(1-269): View more from Michigan

I just wanted to decorate you...

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup

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(615): View more from Tennessee

...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT

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(334): View more from Alabama

If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes

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(207): View more from Maine

Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child

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(706): View more from Georgia

Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone

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(317): View more from Indiana

I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?

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(214): View more from Texas

then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them

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(309): View more from Illinois

I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.

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(509): View more from Washington

Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.

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(410): View more from Maryland

ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?

(860): View more from Connecticut

Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time

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(914): View more from New York

Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.

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(253): View more from Washington

I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips

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(513): View more from Ohio

you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.

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(407): View more from Florida

If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?

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(913): View more from Kansas

Speaking is such a hard concept right now

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(919): View more from North Carolina

dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.

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(516): View more from New York

i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets

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(719): View more from Colorado

Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome

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(765): View more from Indiana

I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing

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(970): View more from Colorado

The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.

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(786): View more from Florida

hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!

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(407): View more from Florida

I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.

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(816): View more from Missouri

i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you

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(973): View more from New Jersey

now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers

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(703): View more from Virginia

Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'

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(312): View more from Illinois

She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.

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(817): View more from Texas

Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"

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(786): View more from Florida

It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Oh God.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.

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(937): View more from Ohio

It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar

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(772): View more from Florida

how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?

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(940): View more from Texas

Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?

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(734): View more from Michigan

Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."

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(415): View more from California

I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God

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(713): View more from Texas

do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient

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(203): View more from Connecticut

My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free

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(312): View more from Illinois

Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.

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(212): View more from New York

what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed

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(319): View more from Iowa

You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.

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(503): View more from Oregon

There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.

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(831): View more from California

The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.

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(386): View more from Florida

And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur

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(802): View more from Vermont

Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.

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(720): View more from Colorado

No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.

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(979): View more from Texas

Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.

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(713): View more from Texas

He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...

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(647): View more from Ontario

we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet

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(864): View more from South Carolina

the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.

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(914): View more from New York

The ice cream man just told me to use protection.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.

(919): View more from North Carolina

RIP Mr Bojangles.

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(410): View more from Maryland

It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.

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(510): View more from California

she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.

(1-507): View more from Minnesota

We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.

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(573): View more from Missouri

ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.

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(207): View more from Maine

That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"

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(406): View more from Montana

A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.

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(585): View more from New York

So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?

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(503): View more from Oregon

I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses

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(727): View more from Florida

remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment

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(925): View more from California

Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.

(1-925): View more from California

If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.

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(314): View more from Missouri

He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.

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(916): View more from California

Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.

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(269): View more from Michigan

All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..

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(907): View more from Alaska

On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face

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(212): View more from New York

The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane

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(515): View more from Iowa

your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.

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(718): View more from New York

According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.

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(428): View more from

she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.

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(+61): View more from Australia

You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."

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(740): View more from Ohio

Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday

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(510): View more from California

Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet

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(636): View more from Missouri

If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies

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(908): View more from New Jersey

We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"

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(440): View more from Ohio

uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober

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(773): View more from Illinois

Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.

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(607): View more from New York

I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center

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(480): View more from Arizona

He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.

(1+44): View more from

I regret nothing

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...

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(660): View more from Missouri

I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah

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(219): View more from Indiana

Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt

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(850): View more from Florida

They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.

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(585): View more from New York

He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.

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(512): View more from Texas

Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus

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(540): View more from Virginia

About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.

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(438): View more from Quebec

Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet

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(252): View more from North Carolina

there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket

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(248): View more from Michigan

We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon

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(631): View more from New York

she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly

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(217): View more from Illinois

I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy

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(410): View more from Maryland

How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?

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(714): View more from California

Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad

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(845): View more from New York

No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back

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(415): View more from California

You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.

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(406): View more from Montana

Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king

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(205): View more from Alabama

Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.

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(917): View more from New York City

And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body

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(559): View more from California

there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.

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(406): View more from Montana

My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered

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(818): View more from California

Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock

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(248): View more from Michigan

So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."

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(864): View more from South Carolina

theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college

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(307): View more from Wyoming

they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel

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(210): View more from Texas

BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed

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(647): View more from Ontario

Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics

(416): View more from Toronto

But that's half the fun of it

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(817): View more from Texas

I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.

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(512): View more from Texas

Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.

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(754): View more from Florida

I feel like the other woman.

(954): View more from Florida

You ARE the other woman.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie

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(973): View more from New Jersey

You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.

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(207): View more from Maine

I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.

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(530): View more from California

Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.

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(514): View more from Quebec

she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up

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(905): View more from Ontario

Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life

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(+61): View more from Australia

Did you get my bra back of the bartender?

(1+61): View more from

I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.

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(205): View more from Alabama

i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP

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(779): View more from Illinois

We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..

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(+61): View more from Australia

can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room

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(913): View more from Kansas

Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?

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(706): View more from Georgia

Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring

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(865): View more from Tennessee

we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.

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(512): View more from Texas

when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.

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(256): View more from Alabama

We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.

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(510): View more from California

God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying

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(707): View more from California

I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him

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(314): View more from Missouri

Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.

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(631): View more from New York

Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.

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(845): View more from New York

he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"

(845): View more from New York

where do u find these people!?

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE

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(819): View more from Quebec

there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive

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(916): View more from California

Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.

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(714): View more from California

She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.

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(520): View more from Arizona

They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"

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(505): View more from New Mexico

When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.

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(406): View more from Montana

she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.

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(210): View more from Texas

Road construction signs are deceptively heavy

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(281): View more from Texas

Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.

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(804): View more from Virginia

French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?

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(416): View more from Toronto

I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin

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(727): View more from Florida

Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...

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(410): View more from Maryland

I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old

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(714): View more from California

sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.

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(559): View more from California

His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me

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(256): View more from Alabama

The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.

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(515): View more from Iowa

When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"

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(+61): View more from Australia

It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye

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(206): View more from Washington

She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.

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(941): View more from Florida

I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.

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(315): View more from New York

I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do

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(585): View more from New York

In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?

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(541): View more from Oregon

ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack

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(239): View more from Florida

I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom

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(817): View more from Texas

So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog

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(905): View more from Ontario

Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.

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(708): View more from Illinois

he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.

(1-708): View more from Illinois

ahaha ok

(708): View more from Illinois

let's call it "werewolfing"

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(718): View more from New York

He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred

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(270): View more from Kentucky

You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.

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(512): View more from Texas

We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.

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(817): View more from Texas

We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.

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(845): View more from New York

Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen

(845): View more from New York

That would be so convenient

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"

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(334): View more from Alabama

Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.

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(573): View more from Missouri

You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.

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(845): View more from New York

Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me

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(760): View more from California

Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.

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(229): View more from Georgia

No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry

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(757): View more from Virginia

broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?

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(212): View more from New York

You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..

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(913): View more from Kansas

the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.

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(815): View more from Illinois

My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.

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(407): View more from Florida

I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.

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(903): View more from Texas

Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?

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(+33): View more from France

Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you

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(530): View more from California

I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot

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(315): View more from New York

Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.

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(313): View more from Michigan

My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.

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(541): View more from Oregon

blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?

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(408): View more from California

We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.

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(734): View more from Michigan

he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

On my way to the DMV to get arrested

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard

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(206): View more from Washington

I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...

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(360): View more from Washington

It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Is my lip ring still in your hair?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?

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(417): View more from Missouri

Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.

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(416): View more from Toronto

When did you hit me on the head with a stool?

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(208): View more from Idaho

I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.

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(765): View more from Indiana

He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.

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(480): View more from Arizona

We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.

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(281): View more from Texas

Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot

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(705): View more from Ontario

Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.

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(404): View more from Georgia

like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.

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(805): View more from California

No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear

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(314): View more from Missouri

The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.

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(509): View more from Washington

There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking

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(732): View more from New Jersey

shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP

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(408): View more from California

I miss the smell of you or some shit.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.

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(850): View more from Florida

the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people

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(860): View more from Connecticut

hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party

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(269): View more from Michigan

No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple

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(616): View more from Michigan

someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub

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(404): View more from Georgia

It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.

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(970): View more from Colorado

We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later

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(707): View more from California

We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.

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(714): View more from California

For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station

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(512): View more from Texas

I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face

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(361): View more from Texas

Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.

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(303): View more from Colorado

What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?

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(646): View more from New York

you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close

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(720): View more from Colorado

yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.

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(708): View more from Illinois

You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Why did I wake up holding food tongs?

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(770): View more from Georgia

We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.

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(303): View more from Colorado

No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!

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(313): View more from Michigan

he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.

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(+61): View more from Australia

He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds

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(559): View more from California

The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.

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(916): View more from California

whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door

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(248): View more from Michigan

On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"

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(702): View more from Nevada

whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity

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(804): View more from Virginia

They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.

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(406): View more from Montana

I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.

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(616): View more from Michigan

at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.

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(585): View more from New York

they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too

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(775): View more from Nevada

You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.

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(406): View more from Montana

well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded

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(937): View more from Ohio

A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.

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(713): View more from Texas

The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.

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(530): View more from California

When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs

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(732): View more from New Jersey

There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know

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(512): View more from Texas

we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja

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(207): View more from Maine

Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.

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(716): View more from New York

Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.

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(716): View more from New York

I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!

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(519): View more from Ontario

On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

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(417): View more from Missouri

Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.

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(623): View more from Arizona

We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.

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(573): View more from Missouri

This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car

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(519): View more from Ontario

i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here

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(916): View more from California

let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.

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(850): View more from Florida

....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP

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(740): View more from Ohio

we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found

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(613): View more from Ontario

Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.

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(714): View more from California

The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....

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(510): View more from California

I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.

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(619): View more from California

Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”

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(863): View more from Florida

I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.

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(586): View more from Michigan

on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.

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(303): View more from Colorado

There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat

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(847): View more from Illinois

2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.

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(813): View more from Florida

The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.

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(619): View more from California

I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.

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(530): View more from California

i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome

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(+35): View more from

Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?

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(720): View more from Colorado

Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone

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(516): View more from New York

I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos

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(575): View more from New Mexico

We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.

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(816): View more from Missouri

This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.

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(347): View more from New York

I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..

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(907): View more from Alaska

She looks like a junkie muppet...awful

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(708): View more from Illinois

we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though

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(732): View more from New Jersey

please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.

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(903): View more from Texas

We talked him into tasing himself.

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(352): View more from Florida

he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled

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(318): View more from Louisiana

When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree

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(315): View more from New York

He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you

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(334): View more from Alabama

A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.

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(914): View more from New York

He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.

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(925): View more from California

He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light

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(409): View more from Texas

You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger

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(360): View more from Washington

You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.

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(845): View more from New York

Did you bedazzle the elevator?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....

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(805): View more from California

I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.

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(805): View more from California

I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.

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(406): View more from Montana

Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.

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(904): View more from Florida

naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.

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(941): View more from Florida

I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message

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(716): View more from New York

there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.

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(716): View more from New York

Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.

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(510): View more from California

In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...

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(831): View more from California

She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs

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(940): View more from Texas

Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.

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(512): View more from Texas

She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.

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(406): View more from Montana

you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"

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(631): View more from New York

i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.

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(410): View more from Maryland

They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.

(917): View more from New York City

what ever happened to our old dealer?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.

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(315): View more from New York

i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again

(443): View more from Maryland

I hate when that happens

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(305): View more from Florida

No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.

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(410): View more from Maryland

We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count

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(706): View more from Georgia

I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.

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(970): View more from Colorado

She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night

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(615): View more from Tennessee

He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again

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(317): View more from Indiana

You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.

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(845): View more from New York

That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...

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(817): View more from Texas

Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.

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(443): View more from Maryland

you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?

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(631): View more from New York

these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.

(631): View more from New York

i got hit in the ear.

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(773): View more from Illinois

btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs

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(302): View more from Delaware

She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"

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(845): View more from New York

They were actually really boring considering how we met them.

(1-845): View more from New York

howd you meet them?

(845): View more from New York

They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.

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(631): View more from New York

I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.

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(519): View more from Ontario

He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.

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(813): View more from Florida

she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter

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(352): View more from Florida

Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?

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(773): View more from Illinois

You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.

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(940): View more from Texas

An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.

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(407): View more from Florida

I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.

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(618): View more from Illinois

This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

where the hell would u of bought a deer

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

How did you break your hand eating pizza?

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Boxes are hard to see rocks through.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other

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(957): View more from

I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where the hell are you

(706): View more from Georgia

He's winning.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?

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(443): View more from Maryland

She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.

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(867): View more from Yukon/N.W.Territory

Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".

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(614): View more from Ohio

I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk

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(210): View more from Texas

A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.

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(419): View more from Ohio

The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it

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(785): View more from Kansas

Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.

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(917): View more from New York City

we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.

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(607): View more from New York

I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me

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(276): View more from Virginia

Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time

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(775): View more from Nevada

Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats

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(903): View more from Texas

I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.

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(512): View more from Texas

did you find a tooth?

(254): View more from Texas

did you lose one?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.

(856): View more from New Jersey

Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits

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(989): View more from Michigan

we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.

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(845): View more from New York

you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I've been living off of popsicles and broth.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.

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(970): View more from Colorado

in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.

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(727): View more from Florida

they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were

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(654): View more from

And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.

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(757): View more from Virginia

they won't let me drive with my sombrero

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(503): View more from Oregon

I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..

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(404): View more from Georgia

Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.

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(713): View more from Texas

Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'

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(516): View more from New York

I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.

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(727): View more from Florida

found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?

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(518): View more from New York

one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what

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(618): View more from Illinois

You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes

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(519): View more from Ontario

He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.

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(806): View more from Texas

Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that

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(309): View more from Illinois

I stole so many things from the ER last night.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it

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(949): View more from California

Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.

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(231): View more from Michigan

btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?

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(404): View more from Georgia

A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds

(404): View more from Georgia

She started it, but I totally finished it.

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(607): View more from New York

Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?

(607): View more from New York

Nevermind, it's in the dryer.

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(850): View more from Florida

You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.

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(206): View more from Washington

Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.

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(415): View more from California

I have another pimple on my ass cheek.

(420): View more from

I'll be there in 10 minutes.

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(925): View more from California

So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.

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(602): View more from Arizona

i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments

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(718): View more from New York

we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.

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(503): View more from Oregon

And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms

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(217): View more from Illinois

i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.

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(516): View more from New York

Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge

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(817): View more from Texas

Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...

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(616): View more from Michigan

Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.

(616): View more from Michigan

I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?

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(619): View more from California

he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up

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(509): View more from Washington

I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.

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(+49): View more from Germany

Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.

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(305): View more from Florida

It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children

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(740): View more from Ohio

Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?

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(515): View more from Iowa

I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.

(248): View more from Michigan

There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".

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(217): View more from Illinois

she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work

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(812): View more from Indiana

I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar

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(517): View more from Michigan

at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.

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(913): View more from Kansas

The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.

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(239): View more from Florida

they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out

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(407): View more from Florida

And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.

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(407): View more from Florida

At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER

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(519): View more from Ontario

What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?

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(703): View more from Virginia

Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day

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(845): View more from New York

her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.

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(419): View more from Ohio

then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"

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(240): View more from Maryland

Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.

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(224): View more from Illinois

She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.

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(815): View more from Illinois

so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club

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(408): View more from California

that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it

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(703): View more from Virginia

There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.

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(269): View more from Michigan

its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"

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(630): View more from Illinois

Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....

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(985): View more from Louisiana

she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.

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(773): View more from Illinois

grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.

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(415): View more from California

You kept trying to hail an ambulance

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(315): View more from New York

careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....

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(204): View more from Manitoba

The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..

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(530): View more from California

Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.

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(850): View more from Florida

I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok

(850): View more from Florida

They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good

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(309): View more from Illinois

"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.

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(941): View more from Florida

my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.

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(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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(720): View more from Colorado

i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them

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(847): View more from Illinois

This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.

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(660): View more from Missouri

Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.

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(516): View more from New York

I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life

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(805): View more from California

You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed

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(210): View more from Texas

Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall

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(585): View more from New York

Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell

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(406): View more from Montana

Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!

(1-330): View more from Ohio

is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?

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(469): View more from Texas

I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.

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(706): View more from Georgia

saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal

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(480): View more from Arizona

There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.

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(330): View more from Ohio

he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.

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(630): View more from Illinois

It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...

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(850): View more from Florida

i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.

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(281): View more from Texas

He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.

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(757): View more from Virginia

yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.

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(785): View more from Kansas

this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes

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(303): View more from Colorado

you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?

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(216): View more from Ohio

So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail

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(513): View more from Ohio

Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost

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(704): View more from North Carolina

a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.

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(214): View more from Texas

I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.

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(702): View more from Nevada

She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.

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(+61): View more from Australia

She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

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(904): View more from Florida

I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.

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(312): View more from Illinois

You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles

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(757): View more from Virginia

i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools

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(706): View more from Georgia

They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods

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(720): View more from Colorado

When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided

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(954): View more from Florida

We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.

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(301): View more from Maryland

He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.

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(205): View more from Alabama

i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.

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(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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(972): View more from Texas

Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?

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(225): View more from Louisiana

ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.

(404): View more from Georgia

Who isn't?

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(239): View more from Florida

Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him

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(956): View more from Texas

Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

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(402): View more from Nebraska

He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.

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(219): View more from Indiana

He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly

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(817): View more from Texas

All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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(613): View more from Ontario

you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.

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(226): View more from Ontario

I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.

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(631): View more from New York

beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.

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(519): View more from Ontario

He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.

(604): View more from British Columbia

HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES

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(909): View more from California

She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"

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(319): View more from Iowa

just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...

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(432): View more from Texas

Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

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(925): View more from California

These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story

(307): View more from Wyoming

The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.

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(586): View more from Michigan

so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions

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(256): View more from Alabama

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..

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(817): View more from Texas

I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"

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(314): View more from Missouri

You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...

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(314): View more from Missouri

Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.

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(216): View more from Ohio

6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.

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(315): View more from New York

I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit

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(815): View more from Illinois

drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face

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(818): View more from California

i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...

(805): View more from California

i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.

(518): View more from New York

I am in love with you.

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(240): View more from Maryland

last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours

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(318): View more from Louisiana

i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..

(1-318): View more from Louisiana

what?how do you know?

(318): View more from Louisiana

it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.

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(818): View more from California

They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now

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(415): View more from California

apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window

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(815): View more from Illinois

We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.

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(626): View more from California

i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen

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(510): View more from California

Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.

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(226): View more from Ontario

Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again

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(407): View more from Florida

I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain

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(678): View more from Georgia

Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend

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(408): View more from California

Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"

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(518): View more from New York

September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Wow. Its not even 11am.

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(917): View more from New York City

He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.

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(516): View more from New York

i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.

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(647): View more from Ontario

there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome

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(309): View more from Illinois

I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.

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(214): View more from Texas

Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?

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(714): View more from California

He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.

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(636): View more from Missouri

The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"

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(585): View more from New York

The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.

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(404): View more from Georgia

My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.

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(+54): View more from

look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.

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(707): View more from California

You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.

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(954): View more from Florida

Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.

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(229): View more from Georgia

He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.

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(917): View more from New York City

she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her

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(440): View more from Ohio

Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1

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(916): View more from California

If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes

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(630): View more from Illinois

batman just walked across the sidewalk

(1-630): View more from Illinois

lay off the drugs

(630): View more from Illinois

no for real he was wearing a cape

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(336): View more from North Carolina

This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.

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(805): View more from California

my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.

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(706): View more from Georgia

This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.

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(954): View more from Florida

We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.

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(517): View more from Michigan

The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came

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(916): View more from California

Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier

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(847): View more from Illinois

You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head

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(616): View more from Michigan

Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.

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(619): View more from California

Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich

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(250): View more from British Columbia

you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"

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(714): View more from California

I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

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(256): View more from Alabama

you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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(817): View more from Texas

I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.

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(425): View more from Washington

Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.

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(303): View more from Colorado

It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside

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(819): View more from Quebec

She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad

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(517): View more from Michigan

He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.

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(516): View more from New York

i have one question about last night

(646): View more from New York

if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain

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(513): View more from Ohio

You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.

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(801): View more from Utah

What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."

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(574): View more from Indiana

almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea

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(518): View more from New York

he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."

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(705): View more from Ontario

She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.

(905): View more from Ontario

I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."

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(585): View more from New York

when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood

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(443): View more from Maryland

she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

did u get his digits?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...

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(239): View more from Florida

"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.

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(365): View more from

Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine

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(870): View more from Arkansas

She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...

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(815): View more from Illinois

she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.

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(785): View more from Kansas

he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense

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(970): View more from Colorado

And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out

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(607): View more from New York

She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted

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(443): View more from Maryland

her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"

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(415): View more from California

what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance

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(209): View more from California

I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.

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(305): View more from Florida

nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.

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(707): View more from California

Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.

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(305): View more from Florida

you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store

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(307): View more from Wyoming

first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.

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(815): View more from Illinois

There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.

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(845): View more from New York

You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.

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(661): View more from California

What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife

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(703): View more from Virginia

just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?

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(619): View more from California

Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..

(1-619): View more from California

I am not bailing you of of jail

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(310): View more from California

my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

he told me I talked like a deaf person

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(469): View more from Texas

HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...

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(805): View more from California

In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career

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(407): View more from Florida

youre lurking in front of me

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(310): View more from California

Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies

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(850): View more from Florida

Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.

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(785): View more from Kansas

It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.

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(720): View more from Colorado

There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee

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(586): View more from Michigan

Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.

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(514): View more from Quebec

i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."

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(734): View more from Michigan

similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.

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(352): View more from Florida

Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.

(352): View more from Florida

And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation

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(503): View more from Oregon

I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.

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(847): View more from Illinois

If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen

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(520): View more from Arizona

Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"

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(330): View more from Ohio

The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.

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(804): View more from Virginia

She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch

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(909): View more from California

The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.

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(816): View more from Missouri

That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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(515): View more from Iowa

Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.

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(509): View more from Washington

after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery

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(302): View more from Delaware

I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.

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(925): View more from California

I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..

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(908): View more from New Jersey

did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.

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(940): View more from Texas

The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?

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(251): View more from Alabama

Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?

(1-251): View more from Alabama

Why are you in my underwear drawer?

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(757): View more from Virginia

I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"

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(507): View more from Minnesota

All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often

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(313): View more from Michigan

remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall

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(801): View more from Utah

He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.

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(913): View more from Kansas

i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?

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(913): View more from Kansas

the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food

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(512): View more from Texas

the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys

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(317): View more from Indiana

Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Yeah, where have you been?

(407): View more from Florida

Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.

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(214): View more from Texas

Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year

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(516): View more from New York

OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM

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(914): View more from New York

Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem

(914): View more from New York

Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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(703): View more from Virginia

It's like God shit irony all over that family

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(916): View more from California

I hate ducks.

(916): View more from California

What?

(916): View more from California

they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.

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(419): View more from Ohio

just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked

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(410): View more from Maryland

He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum

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(310): View more from California

you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.

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(954): View more from Florida

you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it

(651): View more from Minnesota

nevermind its newpaper

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?

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(573): View more from Missouri

A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.

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(239): View more from Florida

and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.

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(979): View more from Texas

We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.

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(773): View more from Illinois

you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"

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(913): View more from Kansas

He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.

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(718): View more from New York

If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.

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(801): View more from Utah

So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.

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(347): View more from New York

sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,

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(850): View more from Florida

the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...

(1-850): View more from Florida

that makes sense.

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(516): View more from New York

so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.

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(716): View more from New York

Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.

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(509): View more from Washington

Can I ask u a weird question?

(1-509): View more from Washington

Sure

(509): View more from Washington

do u have the hershy squirts too?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.

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(863): View more from Florida

just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud

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(408): View more from California

I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

Your godly.

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(917): View more from New York City

I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(972): View more from Texas

The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way

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(718): View more from New York

no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her

(860): View more from Connecticut

but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"

(860): View more from Connecticut

but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.

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(408): View more from California

there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing

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(217): View more from Illinois

i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"

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(740): View more from Ohio

Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.

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(925): View more from California

He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight

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(313): View more from Michigan

so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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(786): View more from Florida

He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."

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(540): View more from Virginia

I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.

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(631): View more from New York

we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility

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(416): View more from Ontario

I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.

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(305): View more from Florida

I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.

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(720): View more from Colorado

So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.

(970): View more from Colorado

well, dont

(720): View more from Colorado

I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.

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(618): View more from Illinois

The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass

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(209): View more from California

kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.

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(785): View more from Kansas

My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."

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(480): View more from Arizona

Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."

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(719): View more from Colorado

I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star

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(301): View more from Maryland

i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up

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(415): View more from California

some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.

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(812): View more from Indiana

she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.

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(443): View more from Maryland

One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.

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(+77): View more from

her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'

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(212): View more from New York

He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"

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(212): View more from New York

It's never good when you wake up covered with burns

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

what day is it and did you see me today?

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(386): View more from Florida

i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena

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(917): View more from New York City

My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard

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(404): View more from Georgia

FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night

(1-404): View more from Georgia

haha good one..how did you even know?

(404): View more from Georgia

we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics

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(817): View more from Texas

I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril

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(912): View more from Georgia

Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony

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(720): View more from Colorado

She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.

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(310): View more from California

My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.

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(630): View more from Illinois

everybody makes mistakes

(1-630): View more from Illinois

i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

He just wants an even tan

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo

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(913): View more from Kansas

Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.

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(410): View more from Maryland

There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...

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(219): View more from Indiana

you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.

(949): View more from California

she's my drunk super hero.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first

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(502): View more from Kentucky

The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"

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(989): View more from Michigan

you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out

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(856): View more from New Jersey

So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.

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(315): View more from New York

That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy

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(816): View more from Missouri

at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?

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(702): View more from Nevada

she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.

(702): View more from Nevada

now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"

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(419): View more from Ohio

I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?

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(763): View more from Minnesota

someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless

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(614): View more from Ohio

Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.

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(707): View more from California

I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.

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(239): View more from Florida

I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.

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(631): View more from New York

there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby

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(614): View more from Ohio

If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back

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(678): View more from Georgia

The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.

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(949): View more from California

I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.

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(561): View more from Florida

I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in

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(650): View more from California

i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome

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(208): View more from Idaho

the day after is always just damage control

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(251): View more from Alabama

i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this

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(517): View more from Michigan

I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.

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(702): View more from Nevada

The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before

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(803): View more from South Carolina

It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.

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(561): View more from Florida

I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM

(616): View more from Michigan

Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?

(401): View more from Rhode Island

wait... oh

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(631): View more from New York

I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.

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(812): View more from Indiana

No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...

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(925): View more from California

its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife

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(813): View more from Florida

i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme

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(949): View more from California

hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk

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(519): View more from Ontario

my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I'm eager to hear this explaination.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(253): View more from Washington

I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation

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(575): View more from New Mexico

How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.

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(520): View more from Arizona

I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone

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(850): View more from Florida

JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.

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(216): View more from Ohio

there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay

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(713): View more from Texas

Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.

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(631): View more from New York

all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.

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(573): View more from Missouri

You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.

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(303): View more from Colorado

At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail

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(251): View more from Alabama

My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Did you just throw up mid-sentence?

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(785): View more from Kansas

Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night

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(432): View more from Texas

So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?

(207): View more from Maine

You need to stop watching Twilight.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"

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(519): View more from Ontario

Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.

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(516): View more from New York

He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.

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(765): View more from Indiana

just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.

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(818): View more from California

Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.

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(360): View more from Washington

He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees

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(913): View more from Kansas

id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"

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(317): View more from Indiana

can you pick me up an extra syllabus

(317): View more from Indiana

i passed out in the shower again

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(856): View more from New Jersey

just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.

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(760): View more from California

I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart

(508): View more from Massachusetts

These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work

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(714): View more from California

dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"

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(765): View more from Indiana

we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.

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(925): View more from California

It smells like ranch

(925): View more from California

Must be all the white people

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..

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(207): View more from Maine

He violated my cat. I was not impressed.

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(818): View more from California

he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard

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(585): View more from New York

there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk

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(260): View more from Indiana

I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie

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(207): View more from Maine

I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.

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(817): View more from Texas

Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.

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(519): View more from Ontario

So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.

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(941): View more from Florida

can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?

(1-941): View more from Florida

idk, I had a turtle in mine.

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(219): View more from Indiana

she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.

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(214): View more from Texas

hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

you can....by speaking....

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(368): View more from

you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.

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(541): View more from Oregon

for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college

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(954): View more from Florida

hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(734): View more from Michigan

we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".

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(513): View more from Ohio

The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building

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(360): View more from Washington

i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Too many margaritas?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.

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(520): View more from Arizona

i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.

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(847): View more from Illinois

tweet Hawks Win!! tweet

(847): View more from Illinois

That's how twitter works, right?

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(740): View more from Ohio

I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake

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(512): View more from Texas

dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.

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(312): View more from Illinois

It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.

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(205): View more from Alabama

soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out

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(810): View more from Michigan

kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.

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(313): View more from Michigan

At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.

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(713): View more from Texas

i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better

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(214): View more from Texas

ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.

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(419): View more from Ohio

doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.

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(360): View more from Washington

I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made

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(817): View more from Texas

Midnight walks are trippy

(1-817): View more from Texas

I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.

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(571): View more from Virginia

next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave

(703): View more from Virginia

and miss being on the news....no way

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(551): View more from New Jersey

And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...

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(503): View more from Oregon

after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different

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(303): View more from Colorado

I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on

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(973): View more from New Jersey

random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome

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(732): View more from New Jersey

No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.

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(314): View more from Missouri

In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.

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(417): View more from Missouri

apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.

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(480): View more from Arizona

allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed

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(973): View more from New Jersey

gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.

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(516): View more from New York

I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory

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(702): View more from Nevada

what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.

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(716): View more from New York

Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.

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(512): View more from Texas

and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through

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(703): View more from Virginia

I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills

(262): View more from Wisconsin

how else could I explain the last few years

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(330): View more from Ohio

cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"

(571): View more from Virginia

you make me proud to be your friend

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker

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(480): View more from Arizona

Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.

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(515): View more from Iowa

i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.

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(630): View more from Illinois

She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".

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(513): View more from Ohio

Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.

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(407): View more from Florida

I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.

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(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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(916): View more from California

I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting

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(775): View more from Nevada

I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)

(1-775): View more from Nevada

Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.

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(802): View more from Vermont

you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it

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(239): View more from Florida

I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.

(239): View more from Florida

I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.

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(315): View more from New York

I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree

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(404): View more from Georgia

You can't special order awesome

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(513): View more from Ohio

i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.

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(516): View more from New York

Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(727): View more from Florida

He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...

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(231): View more from Michigan

You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.

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(815): View more from Illinois

yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything

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(810): View more from Michigan

According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Fuck 8am classes

(330): View more from Ohio

Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes

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(352): View more from Florida

there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.

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(567): View more from Ohio

we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you definitely held a convo with a hobo

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

we have a secret handshake

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop

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(559): View more from California

Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE

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(417): View more from Missouri

I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course

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(831): View more from California

So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...

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(239): View more from Florida

apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms

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(320): View more from Minnesota

You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.

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(650): View more from California

he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car

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(519): View more from Ontario

and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!

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(512): View more from Texas

After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow

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(336): View more from North Carolina

This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night

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(+44): View more from England

Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.

(734): View more from Michigan

What'd you do?

(313): View more from Michigan

Its more like what im about to do.

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(248): View more from Michigan

your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.

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(352): View more from Florida

I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.

(352): View more from Florida

Just realized these events may be related.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.

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(641): View more from Iowa

is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper

(952): View more from Minnesota

Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?

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(314): View more from Missouri

Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee

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(972): View more from Texas

Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind

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(206): View more from Washington

What should our trivia night team be named?

(925): View more from California

Define Statutory

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I love you

(720): View more from Colorado

are you drunk

(440): View more from Ohio

yes but I def love you, we should get married

(720): View more from Colorado

But I'm Jewish

(440): View more from Ohio

embrace Jesus

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(845): View more from New York

felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter

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(657): View more from California

You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl

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(630): View more from Illinois

You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.

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(408): View more from California

we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can

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(708): View more from Illinois

So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.

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(785): View more from Kansas

last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.

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(650): View more from California

Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid

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(817): View more from Texas

so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me

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(213): View more from California

Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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(518): View more from New York

Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant

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(408): View more from California

carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.

(415): View more from California

be there in 3 mins

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(847): View more from Illinois

Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.

(708): View more from Illinois

May it rest in peace.

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(419): View more from Ohio

i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike

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(703): View more from Virginia

I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left

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(973): View more from New Jersey

you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing

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(804): View more from Virginia

remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.

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(540): View more from Virginia

what do you have against ST

(1-540): View more from Virginia

DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.

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(310): View more from California

i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."

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(510): View more from California

Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

bitch

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(361): View more from Texas

Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets

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(972): View more from Texas

Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash

(1-513): View more from Ohio

GO. BACK. NOW.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.

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(330): View more from Ohio

when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll

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(201): View more from New Jersey

She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am

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(905): View more from Ontario

her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell

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(334): View more from Alabama

This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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(330): View more from Ohio

My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob

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(425): View more from Washington

oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog

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(773): View more from Illinois

How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?

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(705): View more from Ontario

She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.

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(660): View more from Missouri

And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.

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(661): View more from California

No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....

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(515): View more from Iowa

we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.

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(650): View more from California

How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?

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(317): View more from Indiana

Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.

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(310): View more from California

as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'

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(630): View more from Illinois

I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

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(502): View more from Kentucky

so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...

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(678): View more from Georgia

apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.

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(707): View more from California

She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"

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(815): View more from Illinois

I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.

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(514): View more from Quebec

i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them

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(415): View more from California

And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.

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(205): View more from Alabama

we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"

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(248): View more from Michigan

so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience

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(586): View more from Michigan

If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.

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(813): View more from Florida

The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.

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(510): View more from California

I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.

(1-510): View more from California

It was probably Jesus.

(510): View more from California

I feel like he would have left a message.

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(317): View more from Indiana

It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.

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(937): View more from Ohio

oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing

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(831): View more from California

Hey, what are you up to?

(802): View more from Vermont

Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.

(802): View more from Vermont

Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.

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(847): View more from Illinois

stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever

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(217): View more from Illinois

Why is there a cactus in the microwave?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Don't worry about it.

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(631): View more from New York

You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...

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(931): View more from Tennessee

just woke up in my neighbors garage.

(931): View more from Tennessee

scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.

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(847): View more from Illinois

what did you hear about me?

(630): View more from Illinois

that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around

(630): View more from Illinois

that was hard to say and not laugh

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

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(214): View more from Texas

You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song

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(303): View more from Colorado

Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.

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(773): View more from Illinois

She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Hm. I declare blue a flavor.

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now

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(804): View more from Virginia

also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.

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(716): View more from New York

kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures

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(650): View more from California

i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!

(408): View more from California

Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...

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(754): View more from Florida

you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse

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(813): View more from Florida

God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.

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(330): View more from Ohio

you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do

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(615): View more from Tennessee

im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.

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(863): View more from Florida

I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good

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(732): View more from New Jersey

there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.

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(207): View more from Maine

There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.

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(716): View more from New York

You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.

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(219): View more from Indiana

By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone

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(914): View more from New York

you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.

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(807): View more from Ontario

I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.

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(410): View more from Maryland

guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.

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(647): View more from Ontario

They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.

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(330): View more from Ohio

why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?

(1-330): View more from Ohio

she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.

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(314): View more from Missouri

10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza

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(614): View more from Ohio

I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct

(973): View more from New Jersey

that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand

(201): View more from New Jersey

she's a dina-saur

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(248): View more from Michigan

Public safety found my id!

(248): View more from Michigan

And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night

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(763): View more from Minnesota

The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.

(410): View more from Maryland

engineering majors are such efficient drunks.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again

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(845): View more from New York

just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.

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(847): View more from Illinois

So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.

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(410): View more from Maryland

He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken

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(917): View more from New York City

Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.

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(516): View more from New York

You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head

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(804): View more from Virginia

is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate

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(250): View more from British Columbia

A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja

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(830): View more from Texas

she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.

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(571): View more from Virginia

how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?

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(317): View more from Indiana

he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed

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(573): View more from Missouri

My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.

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(716): View more from New York

do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?

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(217): View more from Illinois

The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.

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(305): View more from Florida

once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away

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(219): View more from Indiana

She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.

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(443): View more from Maryland

its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

(303): View more from Colorado

you still have morals?

(443): View more from Maryland

Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

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(601): View more from Mississippi

i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

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(619): View more from California

Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep

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(713): View more from Texas

We need to get cat food

(713): View more from Texas

Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please

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(218): View more from Minnesota

you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"

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(440): View more from Ohio

I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.

(1-440): View more from Ohio

Why? Who won?

(440): View more from Ohio

we don't know. we ran out of oranges.

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(760): View more from California

my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...

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(585): View more from New York

You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!

(763): View more from Minnesota

Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.

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(512): View more from Texas

You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.

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(707): View more from California

he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(801): View more from Utah

I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.

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(212): View more from New York

I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"

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(206): View more from Washington

Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.

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(561): View more from Florida

She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'

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(407): View more from Florida

I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.

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(585): View more from New York

Why was I handcuffed to the roof?

(518): View more from New York

It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly

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(337): View more from Louisiana

All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"

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(519): View more from Ontario

all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"

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(703): View more from Virginia

I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.

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(716): View more from New York

Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.

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(510): View more from California

come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.

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(586): View more from Michigan

On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless

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(830): View more from Texas

You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy

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(720): View more from Colorado

I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.

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(516): View more from New York

I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."

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(210): View more from Texas

Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there

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(612): View more from Minnesota

We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.

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(631): View more from New York

Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag

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(443): View more from Maryland

He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old

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(330): View more from Ohio

would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.

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(816): View more from Missouri

She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?

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(713): View more from Texas

Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?

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(323): View more from California

it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway

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(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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(+91): View more from India

Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.

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(352): View more from Florida

she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.

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(253): View more from Washington

waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me

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(505): View more from New Mexico

You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell

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(503): View more from Oregon

Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(212): View more from New York

her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum

(212): View more from New York

i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls

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(618): View more from Illinois

here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...

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(802): View more from Vermont

I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

You can't wash away shame.

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

I can try.

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(949): View more from California

you made cement angels. it was a great sight.

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(734): View more from Michigan

i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.

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(408): View more from California

Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions

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(309): View more from Illinois

Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.

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(904): View more from Florida

We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese

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(705): View more from Ontario

You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love

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(949): View more from California

dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt

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(503): View more from Oregon

How did you steal an entire pie?

(602): View more from Arizona

I don't know. It's in my purse.

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(650): View more from California

If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance

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(620): View more from Kansas

My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever

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(803): View more from South Carolina

When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.

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(512): View more from Texas

I pooped in a mop bucket.

(1-512): View more from Texas

WTF???

(512): View more from Texas

Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that

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(586): View more from Michigan

I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...

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(914): View more from New York

He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.

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(716): View more from New York

she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.

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(432): View more from Texas

From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention

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(310): View more from California

that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something

(818): View more from California

its my fault though, i'm wearing tights

(310): View more from California

you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap

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(250): View more from British Columbia

i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one

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(217): View more from Illinois

What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.

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(352): View more from Florida

Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.

(1-352): View more from Florida

What?

(352): View more from Florida

Just dont open the beer drawer.

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(540): View more from Virginia

You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega

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(631): View more from New York

stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.

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(727): View more from Florida

It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.

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(210): View more from Texas

Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously

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(602): View more from Arizona

I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.

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(703): View more from Virginia

threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.

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(858): View more from California

that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...

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(810): View more from Michigan

He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair

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(925): View more from California

Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.

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(706): View more from Georgia

i would punch a child for taco bell

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster

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(607): View more from New York

he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.

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(623): View more from Arizona

were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.

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(240): View more from Maryland

today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal

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(772): View more from Florida

you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted

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(562): View more from California

trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"

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(479): View more from Arkansas

if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey

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(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

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(304): View more from West Virginia

hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun

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(309): View more from Illinois

I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.

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(626): View more from California

you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys

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(205): View more from Alabama

Do you want the good news or bad news first?

(678): View more from Georgia

bad news

(205): View more from Alabama

The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."

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(315): View more from New York

my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple

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(708): View more from Illinois

just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.

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(937): View more from Ohio

i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus

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(914): View more from New York

this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...

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(773): View more from Illinois

hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?

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(281): View more from Texas

I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.

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(614): View more from Ohio

She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.

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(512): View more from Texas

The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

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(361): View more from Texas

Did i throw a brick at someone last night?

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(561): View more from Florida

This is the prime rib incident all over again

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair

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(248): View more from Michigan

you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Everybody was literally kung fu fighting

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(302): View more from Delaware

I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear

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(304): View more from West Virginia

ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?

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(347): View more from New York

Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.

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(419): View more from Ohio

You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell

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(517): View more from Michigan

woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.

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(770): View more from Georgia

All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"

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(416): View more from Toronto

Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...

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(352): View more from Florida

So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.

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(480): View more from Arizona

YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST

(602): View more from Arizona

I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!

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(256): View more from Alabama

You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.

(256): View more from Alabama

Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box

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(708): View more from Illinois

You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.

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(925): View more from California

Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.

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(216): View more from Ohio

i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.

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(469): View more from Texas

You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.

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(440): View more from Ohio

i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense

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(856): View more from New Jersey

my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face

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(816): View more from Missouri

you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat

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(518): View more from New York

WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!

(315): View more from New York

... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips

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(954): View more from Florida

I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."

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(785): View more from Kansas

Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist

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(701): View more from North Dakota

that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon

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(502): View more from Kentucky

everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person

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(512): View more from Texas

do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?

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(571): View more from Virginia

i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.

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(949): View more from California

When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'

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(516): View more from New York

You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online

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(504): View more from Louisiana

how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it

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(972): View more from Texas

Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.

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(416): View more from Toronto

No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.

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(314): View more from Missouri

There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.

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(516): View more from New York

id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though

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(212): View more from New York

that's an acceptable place to lick

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(810): View more from Michigan

I wish I could teleport

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(240): View more from Maryland

woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.

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(314): View more from Missouri

i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..

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(502): View more from Kentucky

one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar

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(917): View more from New York City

I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile

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(804): View more from Virginia

The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW

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(347): View more from New York

Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....

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(208): View more from Idaho

How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?

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(905): View more from Ontario

He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer

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(973): View more from New Jersey

My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(514): View more from Quebec

Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

my sombrero is too big for the bathroom

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(515): View more from Iowa

John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.

(1-515): View more from Iowa

As in blowjob or cannibalism?

(515): View more from Iowa

I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.

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(646): View more from New York

The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.

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(407): View more from Florida

He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.

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(520): View more from Arizona

The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

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(443): View more from Maryland

you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up

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(815): View more from Illinois

I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.

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(917): View more from New York City

under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub

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(206): View more from Washington

sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before

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(626): View more from California

she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo

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(205): View more from Alabama

I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo

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(407): View more from Florida

Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.

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(214): View more from Texas

I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.

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(619): View more from California

She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something

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(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.

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(352): View more from Florida

I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk

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(248): View more from Michigan

After last night, I could never be a politician.

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(516): View more from New York

sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.

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(914): View more from New York

explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?

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(229): View more from Georgia

please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.

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(713): View more from Texas

How bad was it?

(1-713): View more from Texas

You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth

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(419): View more from Ohio

I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I love boston

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh

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(678): View more from Georgia

Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(972): View more from Texas

Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.

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(301): View more from Maryland

please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna

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(805): View more from California

My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.

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(248): View more from Michigan

You up for the gym tonight after work?

(734): View more from Michigan

I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.

(248): View more from Michigan

Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.

(734): View more from Michigan

Chris Brown style, or less felonious?

(248): View more from Michigan

Haha, all felonious.

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(702): View more from Nevada

you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A

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(702): View more from Nevada

explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.

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(631): View more from New York

we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you

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(313): View more from Michigan

I am in shape. i keep telling you that.

(1-313): View more from Michigan

Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."

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(856): View more from New Jersey

you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb

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(858): View more from California

You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.

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(269): View more from Michigan

You're my little dorito

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(970): View more from Colorado

just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?

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(817): View more from Texas

Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

(1-817): View more from Texas

You weighed it?

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(915): View more from Texas

Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"

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(951): View more from California

My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now

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(707): View more from California

why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?

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(541): View more from Oregon

I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.

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(954): View more from Florida

i just sent this text using only my big toe

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Do ugly people know they are ugly?

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

The quiet ones do.

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(904): View more from Florida

Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.

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(305): View more from Florida

Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.

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(619): View more from California

Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.

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(516): View more from New York

we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan

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(440): View more from Ohio

So you threw a sword at me last night

(419): View more from Ohio

I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.

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(917): View more from New York City

i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities

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(734): View more from Michigan

My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested

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(512): View more from Texas

He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy

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(269): View more from Michigan

You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan

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(773): View more from Illinois

somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"

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(402): View more from Nebraska

next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.

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(319): View more from Iowa

he asked me to smell his eyeballs.

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(917): View more from New York City

It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall

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(970): View more from Colorado

Oh. He liked you.

(970): View more from Colorado

Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(775): View more from Nevada

My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.

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(904): View more from Florida

it glows. i had to have it.

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(863): View more from Florida

if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I honestly don't know what to make of that.

(423): View more from Tennessee

A ham sandwich would be nice.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets

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(630): View more from Illinois

I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could

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(916): View more from California

day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day

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(980): View more from North Carolina

You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.

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(317): View more from Indiana

What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox

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(913): View more from Kansas

I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."

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(402): View more from Nebraska

This gyro tastes like lonliness

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.

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(618): View more from Illinois

i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything

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(410): View more from Maryland

I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.

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(224): View more from Illinois

I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.

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(515): View more from Iowa

On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.

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(626): View more from California

Dignity is for republicans.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt

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(573): View more from Missouri

just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch

(636): View more from Missouri

Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?

(573): View more from Missouri

IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation

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(614): View more from Ohio

No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.

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(801): View more from Utah

please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.

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(905): View more from Ontario

oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...

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(303): View more from Colorado

He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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(819): View more from Quebec

I woke up to her vacumming the grass

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(210): View more from Texas

This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".

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(770): View more from Georgia

The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding

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(314): View more from Missouri

My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"

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