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his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
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