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I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Boobs are out for the taking
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
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