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I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
This baby is an asshole
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
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