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You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
This baby is an asshole
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
another moral hangover. fuck.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
well you can't waste a boner
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I've blown a few things in my day
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
You can't motorboat a personality
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Pappa wants mamma naked
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
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