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You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Houston, we have a squirter
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
sarcasm needs its own font
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
We just shotgunned beers for America
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I just found a bag of teeth...
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
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