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You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i just had sex bonerless
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Kiss
Puke
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I CAN MOONWALK!
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I can text with my tongue
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
so explain again why im purple
no
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
tequila makes me forget i have legs
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
We need to rekindle our bromance
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
She was lying the whole time!
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