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We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just invented taco cereal.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
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