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I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
She even gives head with a lisp.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
so explain again why im purple
no
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
organizing the empties. That sober.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
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