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i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just blew my weed a kiss
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
If that was your dad, he is hot
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You're my little dorito
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Sponge bath it is.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
so that wasnt chicken after all
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I have demons in me.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
pop tarts are not kleenex
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I am puke
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Porn is love you can see.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
look no pants
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
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