Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Actions speak louder than pants.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I intend to get homeless drunk
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Favorite