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You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
When did angry sex become our thing?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I fill condoms, not promises.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'd cum for enchiladas.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Boobs are out for the taking
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I want to be your penis for a week.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
He better not be in your backpack
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
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