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I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
babies were throwing up all over the place
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
is wine microwaveable?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
your thong is hanging out like whoa
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Your dad touched me again.
If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I understand Curling. That high.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
either way he was missing a nipple.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
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